Hell....Hell...Hell.....Hell.......HELL...im sick of it

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.....Theres absolutely no doubt in my mind im 100% certain that theres something f****** wrong with me. Have known this for a while maybe at least 5 6 or 7 years....even before that I knew it. But tonight I have had it.

I don't know if it is AS but im pretty f*****g certain it is or something close to it. I had really severe social phobia tonight. I could not explain it. But it felt like me. It felt like my past. It felt like all those times before in high school that I tried to conveniently forget because I want to. The times I try to forget.

OK..so one of my friends came back to town and some tennis friends of his was having a party so thats where we went. I CANT EXPLAIN ENOUGH in words how odd I felt. WHEN other people are around me, I shut down.............where do I look? what do I say? How do I play off the dynamics that Im the friend of a friend? This was some advanced s**t going on when it was just me and my friend, I can talk and be normal, but WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND I JUST SHUT DOWN...THE MOST BIZARRE FEELING IN THE WORLD...COULDNT DESCRIBE IT WITH EINSTEINS BRAIN.. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW TO SOCIALIZE WITH PEOPLE I DONT KNOW.....I REALIZE THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. WHen there are people moving around me.....I just shut down I have no idea....I feel really uncomfortable and stiff and awkward.

I tried to talk a little bit here and there but it didnt work obviously. I tried to be myself. I was obviously a bit uncomfortable and nervous and I felt like I knew that the other people knew that I knew they knew it. In other words Im AWARE of how STIFF and AWKWARD I know HAVE SEEMED.

I didnt know a single person there.....I introduced and shook hands with a few of them. I tried a little bit, but it just wasnt there. The ice was so thick that I couldnt break it. How do I have so much barrier in front of me????????

This wasnt about them. It was me. Its been me. Its been me my whole sh***y life. Theres absolutely no way I can blame other people for me not being social or fitting in. THESE were by all means regular people my age even a few to 3-4 years younger than me, and YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE is something WAYYYY intangible/Metaphysical about the way they interact with each other that completely CONFUSES/ELUDES ME. I just don't understand it. It feels foreign. Hell there were foreigners there that blended in perfectly But not me. Iv felt this since high school. The way people in my act group interact is just foreign. When I try to duplicate it.....I dont know it doesnt sound right....it sounds kind of ret*d....it doesnt feel natural.

I know the odds were against me, they all knew each other from tennis camp, and Im just this friend of a friend? What chance did I stand to actually fit in?

No I felt it. And once those feelings those realizations starting hitting me from the first 20 minutes being inside this house where in several rooms people are hanging out and talking, I realize how OUT OF IT I AM. How far gone I am, No I did not feel natural at all. I FELT FAR f*****g GONE. The girls were there were cute and attractive, and that made it even worse. Yeah Once I realize how f*****g AT ODDS I WAS and HOW QUIET I WAS AND I COULDNT SAY ANYTHING....THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING IN MY MIND THAT I COULD SAY. WHAT A f*****g AWFUL SITUATION. That was hell. I really never want to go through that again. I was standing in the corner but not trying to stand too far away, but trying to keep a "natural" face on, not a sad face, because the whole these thoughts are running through my mind and I feel so sad. And I felt like the girls there thought I was creepy because I didn't talk and what a mess tonight was........

I know that I had really bad social anxiety tonight. But Why? Im nearly 23. This was just a bunch of people hanging out in a house. Teenagers do that since high school and Im at the age where most people have already finished college.

Where does all my social phobia come from? It doesnt just come from nowhere. I have gone through tons of bad experiences like this. BUT this right here if there was any doubt, NOW CEMENTS the facts in the ground.

There isnt a person alive who could tell me there is nothing wrong with me. The smartest person on the world couldnt tell me. God himself could come down from the sky and I would not be convinced. What I felt was so awful, that I really want to give up. I want to give up on everything and lock myself in my room.

I felt that an another occasion me and a friend of mine and a few guy acquaintances were invited inside this house with a bunch of attractive girls who were sitting on this couch. They were talking and gossiping and whatever. And it was more of the same. I tried to introduce myself, but it never goes any farther than that. The MODE OF COMMUNICATION is so different.

Im afraid I have to accept the fact that Im a loner..........Im hella lonely and miserable and depressed and f*****g empty and distant, but I feel more comfortable that way than in front of people my own age that I dont know. It is the worst f*****g SINKING feeling in the world.....seeing other people my act interact, and know that I will never be like that......that I am so far gone....that I never had a chance............that It feels like never.....like Im never going break through.......like Im always going to be some quiet kid standing in the corner

I'm sorry to hear you've had this experience.

It could be AS. It could be SAD (social anxiety disorder). hard to say based on one description of one event.

I'd say talk to a professional who can ask the right questions and know the "right" answers.

I feel so far gone......such bad anxiety sometimes I just cant explain. Its obvious that its not JUST anxiety, and its not Just Social Anxiety. When the dynamics chance, I can change to. Sometimes.

But overall I feel like WHERE is this all STEMMING from? Where Where ?, and Its the most sinking feeling in the world because I know that Im that different from everyone else.

It runs in my blood. I gone on about AS here and there but honestly sometimes I wish I had never heard of it.

WHat it all comes down to Is I feel Autistic, or at least what I feel is Autistic when im in these really I have no idea what do to/handle myself/say/move/posture/interact/look/sway moments when the anxiety is hitting me.

I have never seen anyone feel what I have felt, I have never seen anyone look as uncomfortable as I felt myself. I see people flow and move about.......interacting.....and it just confuses the s**t out of me as Im standing there.........

There is absolutely no way........that this is just anxiety. There is absolutely no way in hell........Im convinced of that. all of the crackpot pyscologists and therapists in the world couldnt convince me otherwise that Im fine that I just have some social phobia and shyness.........

I feel so f*****g uncomfortable in my own skin its really unbelievable. Im almost 23.....If I never made it anywhere socially now? Well then Am I ever? It feels like never.......tonight really felt like hell....

I wish I had some way transporting someone.......like a pensieve from Harry Potter......if anybody else could jump into my shoes and relive tonight from my experience.....they would know exactly and feel exactly.....BUT I just dont think im a million words I could describe how uncomfortable I felt..........it was hell

ok not worse than jail or torture......but it was unfortunate

I wonder if you might be dissociating (sp?). That happens to me too and there's nothing I can do about it when it happens. Maybe someday I'll discover some way to stave it off before it starts. Sometimes it's like I'm in a bubble at the bottom of the sea and sometimes it feels like being a spectator at a sport. There was one memorable occasion where my vision went all snowy (like a tv does) and I could hear people a few feet away like they were talking on a record going backwards and I had no idea what they were saying. It's pretty bad when you have to keep going anyway. It much of life into a lie.

I think I may have AS too. I don't know what to say to help you but I can relate my own experience and maybe this is what you're feeling too.

I've noticed over the past few years I've gotten socially worse and worse and worse. Right now I'm at the point where I am only going to work a day or a half a day a week (it's part time anyways but not THIS part time!). Anyways, I've come to the realization that I'm just so totally emotionally/mentally tired that I can't pretend anymore. I don't even know how to begin to pretend anymore. I read somewhere online that it's like crashing and burning. I've "looked" NT for so long and pushed myself past my social limits for so long that I just over loaded and quit. I don't quite know where to begin to pick myself up again.

Do you think this could be whats happening to you? Were you fairly good at hiding your social faux paus before?

I'm suspect I have AS, and I shut down whenever I'm around people and I loose track of what's going on, or if I can't get out of a noisy place, I shut down too. Besides that, I have a fixated routine, and if it changes without previous notification, I'll feel strange and kind of dirty for the rest of the day. I had a depression some time ago, and it was because I was tired, I felt tired of pretending, of socializing, of stress ,of everything. I relate to what you said about not knowing how to act, what to expect, what to say, and I finally end up stimming, however, my parents never notice it, something I'm grateful for, if they did, they would say, something else is wrong with you?! Fix it, now. They're constantly trying to make me "normal". They want me to have the same interests as others do, they want me to go out, they want me to dress "like a girl", however, I don't understand what they mean, and they want me to be "fixed".

It sounds confusing at the moment, but a short term fix in horrible social settings is getting the hell out of there followed by calming breathing excercises.

I have been there...

Accepting it really matters! (believe me) If you can't control it, don't guilt trip it. That just makes it harder.

It seems to me, that your mind is treating this like an unfamilior situation. Yes you had this times before, even if they were kind. It still looks like that. Did the first time have you just suddenly in an atmosphere like that?

"Uh uh.. what to do?!" Had that myself most of my life, and didn't get why I was so "stupid infront of people. standing around like furniture". I felt stupid almost forever. My father does it to. Then came the panic=flee attack I had, followed by "Ok. I have an obvious problem here. ", followed by AS forums around the internet, which, over ten years of adapted personal acceptance helped, as my kin will tell you if you asked. I say adapt and accept first before any 'pretend'.

Being bullied back in school is one definate thing to consider to. Naturaly, how does your brain not act according to comparison for saftey..

Talk to a friend like you talk to a friend. If there's more than one person in the conversation, don't make a joke or comment only one of the people you're talking to will understand.

With a "friend of a friend," be nice. Be as interested as you have to be in any of a friend's interests. If the friend of a friend is engaged in the conversation with you, try to find common ground. If he's not, disengage politely.

Always go into a social situation with at least one escape route, and when you reach that point, you leave. You depart as politely as possible. Find a way to politely end a conversation you're in the middle of. (You may want to try leaving before you get to this point, actually. And that might mean walking in the door and then turning around and walking right back out, and there's no shame in that.) You might leave through the front door or back door, or through a bathroom window if you're willing to break it.

If you think you can recover in a couple of minutes, then find solitude in the bathroom for a little bit.

I was bullied a little bit.........not much but alot of people gave me s**t for whatever reason.......so I definitely learned to not say anything...............the less I spoke the better.........

I feel really stupid I had absolutely no idea what to say. But it wasnt so much about "what" to say as it was how to say it, how to move, how to project your posture(my posture isnt too good i dont feel loose) It does seem like there is something METAPHYSICAL that everybody else has and I just dont have IT.

I have seen alot of people interact with each other. Most people it seems get along with each other...........they are on the same plane of existence...they dont have to hit it off and be friends, THEY have the same level of ice to be broken and usually right away they can break it. Doesnt mean they along great. And if they cant stand it each other, mis-matching personalities, it shows immediately. I DONT JUST HAVE ICE TO BREAK>.......I HAVE A GLACIER....I can shake peoples hands say hi try to introduce myself but Im just not there............I am not where they are.

Yeah I have zero confidence right now. I know there is a reason for that. I just can't explain it. I know from watching other people, there is something they have that I dont. Yes it could be confidence but why is that so? Most young people that I see are comfortable with themselves. People younger than me. Yeah there are some insecure people here and there but even they seem to have a greater degree of comfortability with themselves and in my minds can socialize just fine.

I HATE when that happens to me! I know exactly what you're talking about, I just don't know why it happens. Anymore, I just tell myself, %#!£ it! I start studying people intently and then I begin picking them apart. Before I know it, I've come out of it. Don't let anyone intimidate you NO matter who they are.

I try that, but its hard some popular nt people are just intimidating they seem cool and popular and move about and just flow with other people.

And then there is me...where the f**k did I come from?

maybe I have just gone about my life all wrong.....maybe I need to talk to the people who frequent libraries. Maybe those kind of clubs are where I belong.

My whole life has just been wrong.....wrong...wrong where is the place where I feel right....with the RIGHT people at the Right time?

I don't get it. I know exactly the feeling your describing, yet I have no idea how to even begin to describe it myself. It doesn't make sense, but it just seems to be how things work. I absolutely hate not being able to even say anything in those situations. When I'm with close friends or family, I feel fine, no problem saying most things. When in a crowd... nothin, even at family gatherings or school functions where I know most everybody surrounding me, still can't say much, I get confused about where I'm supposed to be, and I feel like I just want to disappear. Worst feeling I know of, and yet I don't understand it. I wish I had an answer for us all.

ditto