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BeauZa
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07 Jul 2010, 5:36 am

I've been blocked and deleted by numerous people via Facebook, especially most recently, and no one has ever said anything to me really, just me saying hi then I find that I can't message them or anything.

In hindsight I realise that I may have (scratch "may have") pursued conversation with them to the point that they have decided to block me. Because I have someone who's always on my tail I have begun to understand what it's like, although I can't put my finger on why these people just don't talk to me about it! Sometimes I have all the anger pent up inside me that I feel like I want to redecorate my very surroundings...

Please share with me your thoughts, on stopping short of being a pest, and just keeping in an NTs good books in general. I want to make friends and show interest in them but sometimes it seems like even THAT isn't good enough!
Please... I need your help... any help at all. :(


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Ferdinand
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07 Jul 2010, 6:38 am

I know how you feel, especially when it's by family members.


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BeauZa
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07 Jul 2010, 6:47 am

Ferdinand wrote:
I know how you feel, especially when it's by family members.


Thank you for your empathy. :)
I do. I get it from my sister. It only takes a couple of sentences for her to lose it. :(


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Logan5
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07 Jul 2010, 7:13 am

After many years of negative experiences, I eventually came to the conclusion that I am better off not bothering other people. These days I proceed from the assumption that other people lead very busy lives, and thus have a million other things to do with their time besides deal with me. I try to be polite to other people, but I keep my contact with them to a minimum. I have learned to suppress the urge to contact (or otherwise bother) other people by repeating certain phrases in my head, such as the classic maxim, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt".

The major disadvantage with this is I am basically a hermit. I only go outside to go to work or to run errands. I do not use "social networking" websites (like facebook). Perhaps there is a less extreme way, but I never figured it out. C'est la vie. :?



passionatebach
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07 Jul 2010, 12:55 pm

I feel this way with social networking. With the exception of a few close friends (mostly people I see IRL) and family, people either ignore me or get terse with me on Facebook.

My sister often critiques my comments, especially when they deal with my interest. She told me nastily that people do not care about the flood. I got upset and deleted her from my account.

On another hand, my best friend from middle school recently added me as a friend. He was participating in a bike ride for a charity that I had strong feelings for, due to a family connection. He was look for donations and sponsership. I told him that I would make a small donation, just give me an address to send it to. He never responded to the message even though he has been on Facebook since. It has been a rocky friendship over the years, partially due to the on and off obsession that I have had with him since middle school.

Ever since a situation with another childhood friend that I had over a year ago, I have come to the conclusion that people are only looking for interaction if they run into you. People are also looking for superficial interaction at most. This includes IRL and social networking. Lastly, folks are also looking for passive relationships instead of active relationships, which in experience, it seems that most Aspies want.



Tetraquartz
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07 Jul 2010, 2:34 pm

Definitely can relate.
Often when I go on a forum I'm either generally ignored or it attracts some troll who finds a fictional reason to be annoyed with me.when they do mention why they are annoyed it's basically over things I cannot change about myself, because if I could change them, I would have done so a long time ago.
Whatever.
I either get depressed and frustrated with people nearly all the time or I channel my interests toward things that don't require a lot of interaction with humans. Trying to find my contentment in pursuits that I am good at doing, since most of the sources of my unhappiness come from socializing, or attempting to do so.


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Ichinin
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07 Jul 2010, 2:46 pm

BeauZa wrote:
Thank you for your Sympathy.


Fixed.


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BeauZa
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15 Jul 2010, 12:19 am

Ichinin wrote:
BeauZa wrote:
Thank you for your Sympathy.


Fixed.


...Thanks. Thanks for the connection, muddy. :P


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flowerncsu
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15 Jul 2010, 1:48 am

I haven't had this problem online (yet), but I have had to work on not driving my husband and family nuts, so here's an adaptation of what I worked out as personal "rules" to keep myself in check (Also, you may very well not need all these pointers, but someone might find them useful even if you don't, so I included a good bit of detail):

1) Don't send a reply to them that's more than double the length of what they last sent you. Really. I know that the 4 paragraphs you wrote in reply to their single (short) paragraph message are absolutely fascinating... but trim it down to only the most exciting stuff. If they also think it's fascinating, they'll ask you questions about it, which you can then answer. In no more than double the words they used to ask you about it. Really. I promise.

2) Don't ever send a message that doesn't mention something they like; their interests, kids, something they mentioned in their last message, etc. Always, always, always include this. "How did Sarah's play go, btw?" or "Did you ever figure out what was causing that noise your car was making last week?" or "Have you gotten anything new for your [fill in the blank] collection?"
2b) If they reply to this question with anything of substance then respond to that; keep engaging them on it, even if you're bored by it. Feel free to try to take the conversation in a little different direction, but keep it connected. Remember that they might be bored by what you find riveting, so cut them a little slack.
2c) All of the required text in part 2 should be counted against the word total in part 1. Period.

They're hard rules to follow, but they really help to keep NTs from getting overwhelmed and annoyed by you. Or at least it works on the NTs that I'm close to. (Maybe that's why I'm close to them... hmmm...) YMMV, but good luck!



Chronos
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15 Jul 2010, 1:59 am

It must be pretty excessive if you are getting deleted. Are you sure that's the case? Is there anyone on facebook who hasn't deleted you who might be able to give you better insight into the problem?

I know we generally tend to be terrible at gauging the level of relationship we have with people. Could that be part of the problem?

Generally, on facebook I've learned that minimal interaction with others is best. The occasional comment or like on their wall, the occasional comment or link on your wall, and maybe the occasional "hi" with the chat.



Chronos
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15 Jul 2010, 2:04 am

Logan5 wrote:
After many years of negative experiences, I eventually came to the conclusion that I am better off not bothering other people. These days I proceed from the assumption that other people lead very busy lives, and thus have a million other things to do with their time besides deal with me. I try to be polite to other people, but I keep my contact with them to a minimum. I have learned to suppress the urge to contact (or otherwise bother) other people by repeating certain phrases in my head, such as the classic maxim, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt".

The major disadvantage with this is I am basically a hermit. I only go outside to go to work or to run errands. I do not use "social networking" websites (like facebook). Perhaps there is a less extreme way, but I never figured it out. C'est la vie. :?


Coming from the other end of it, as someone who rarely used to interact with those outside of my family, I disagree.

As a social person with AS/HFA, you take risks. You are jumping in to shark infested waters in a shark suit and hoping the other sharks see you as a shark, and that you won't run afoul of any of them.

But it's a risk worth taking. You just need to proceed a little more cautiously and be super attentive to non-verbal cues.



book_noodles
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15 Jul 2010, 11:22 pm

Dude. You are talking to someone who's friend requests were ignored by her grandmother and cousins... I have been there. Conversely, I have ignored the friend request of someone who was always slamming his coffee mug on my desk and tripping me in class.
You weren't antagonistic, I don't see why they got mad :?
I have this issue where if people post emo questions, I answer them rather factually even if they are supposed to be rhetorical.. :roll: Don't ask if you don't want an answer...


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BeauZa
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16 Jul 2010, 12:39 am

book_noodles wrote:
You weren't antagonistic, I don't see why they got mad :?


Thank you for saying so! That's what I've always thought: that as long as I'm only being nice then I shouldn't worry about rejection... but I understand it's how I communicate; I constantly talk, ask questions, etc., and now that I have someone who's always going where I'm going at school, and talking in the most ANNOYING voice, talking to me like I'm some kind of idiot, now I know how others might feel when I'm always talking to them...

book_noodles wrote:
I have this issue where if people post emo questions, I answer them rather factually even if they are supposed to be rhetorical.. :roll: Don't ask if you don't want an answer...


Haha! That's showing 'em what for buddy! ;) hehehe


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Soledad
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16 Jul 2010, 12:55 am

Hah s**t, finally someone with my problem. The being ignored problem. I thought I was the only one. Go check out just about all my posts, they are on this topic. you aren't alone.



Soledad
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16 Jul 2010, 1:10 am

flowerncsu wrote:
I haven't had this problem online (yet), but I have had to work on not driving my husband and family nuts, so here's an adaptation of what I worked out as personal "rules" to keep myself in check (Also, you may very well not need all these pointers, but someone might find them useful even if you don't, so I included a good bit of detail):

1) Don't send a reply to them that's more than double the length of what they last sent you. Really. I know that the 4 paragraphs you wrote in reply to their single (short) paragraph message are absolutely fascinating... but trim it down to only the most exciting stuff. If they also think it's fascinating, they'll ask you questions about it, which you can then answer. In no more than double the words they used to ask you about it. Really. I promise.

2) Don't ever send a message that doesn't mention something they like; their interests, kids, something they mentioned in their last message, etc. Always, always, always include this. "How did Sarah's play go, btw?" or "Did you ever figure out what was causing that noise your car was making last week?" or "Have you gotten anything new for your [fill in the blank] collection?"
2b) If they reply to this question with anything of substance then respond to that; keep engaging them on it, even if you're bored by it. Feel free to try to take the conversation in a little different direction, but keep it connected. Remember that they might be bored by what you find riveting, so cut them a little slack.
2c) All of the required text in part 2 should be counted against the word total in part 1. Period.

They're hard rules to follow, but they really help to keep NTs from getting overwhelmed and annoyed by you. Or at least it works on the NTs that I'm close to. (Maybe that's why I'm close to them... hmmm...) YMMV, but good luck!


http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt131973.html

Click on that link, I've tried saying something interesting to the other person about their interest and still was ignored. So this doesn't always work. It's more about who wants to talk to you or not. But I do agree with everything you;re saying, I'm just saying that it doesn't always work



BeauZa
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16 Jul 2010, 1:21 am

Soledad wrote:
I've tried saying something interesting to the other person about their interest and still was ignored. So this doesn't always work. It's more about who wants to talk to you or not.


I've had that before, with a couple of sisters I met who I found out were gamers. I got really excited and joined them home for NSMB Wii, among other top game titles. It was good but after a while the eldest blocked me on Facebook because I was always commenting her statuses and stuff, and I don't know about the other one though; she seems a bit yo-yo but still cool.

So you're right: common interests don't make a friendship in it's entirety.


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I used to plan and plot, and try to live correct; lately I do a lot of things that don't make sense. Now I must do what I must do.