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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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12 Jul 2010, 1:24 am

I'm still a virgin, but not for long... :roll:

I met this guy recently who is just, beyond my wildest dreams in every respect. He's NT, and I'm undiagnosed AS. It's weird, a lot of the time, I feel like he's more in tune with who I am than I could ever be, haha. So, even if we don't stay together for a long time, God-forbid, I still know he's just the right person to explore with. It's safe, he's not going to take advantage of me, etc.

The problem is, I'm actually getting really nervous about being really awkward and/or disoriented when we try to sleep together.

He knows all about my tendencies, but still, all of that won't really matter if we end up having really terrible sex anyway? I just don't want things to fall apart because I'm awkward, frigid, naive, or unaware of how to respond to him, or to my own feelings in the moment, I guess. It's all making me so nervous. I almost kind of don't want to do it, which is insane, because I totally want to at the same time.. :pale:

I know the general consensus I'm going to get here is like, "just be yourself, it doesn't matter, it will be good just because you're sharing each others bodies..." but I really want to please him. That's the thing. He's just such an amazing guy and we have such great chemistry, that I just don't want to fu*k it all up (pun) in the bedroom. I want our sexual/intimate experiences to be as perfect as everything else, but ... maybe I'm wishing for too much.

Arrg. Also, he's experienced and a bit older than myself (21/27), and so there's no way I'll be able to fool him. He'll realize the 'deficit.' It's just so frustrating because all I want to do is make him feel as good as I know he's going to make me feel. But I feel like I honestly might not be able to, because I've never done it before. I'll be so lost. I guess everyone has to start somewhere?

So, advice, or book/website recommendations would be greatly appreciated .. because I really need to get over myself.

Maybe I should take a few shots to calm down beforehand? I know that sounds crazy but I mean, I'm desperate?

Thanks!



Pistonhead
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12 Jul 2010, 1:39 am

It really all depends on your desire. I was better in the first week of my actual sex life than either of the two guys before me had been in 3 months for one and 2 years for the other. If you are all over him during it trying everything you can think of it won't be bad so long as your issues don't pop up. Run your hands along his chest, french him, kiss his neck and ears, or whatever. Just whatever you do be excited throughout it.


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biostructure
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12 Jul 2010, 1:48 am

Whatever you do, take comfort in the fact that it's quite easy to please a guy (sexually, I mean). And if I am at all representative of guys, for us sex is more about seeing, exploring, and pleasing the woman. The rest we can do on our own.

And maybe try pleasuring yourself while looking at a picture of him, if you have not already done so, just to reassure yourself that he does turn you on. Because as long as you're turned on, he will be too.

If you're really nervous, you might also want to have a drink or two (assuming you drink). Not so much that it dulls your judgment, of course, but just so you're in a more relaxed state of mind.

Sorry I don't have anything better to offer, but I'm unfortunately a virgin too.



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12 Jul 2010, 2:10 am

Everyone feels like that before their first time, whether they're AS or not. After you do it once, you won't be so nervous anymore. Just go for it is all I can really say.



astaut
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12 Jul 2010, 2:21 am

This is coming from a virgin aspie girl, but I have a little bit of experience.

Like someone else said, it's easy to please a guy. And it's mostly about him pleasuring the girl. Typically he is more satisfied (and it's all more fun) if he is doing something that you find pleasurable. I wouldn't recommend drinking beforehand (unless you feel like it) but I do think the more you relax the more you will enjoy yourself. If I feel insecure, I like to read those sex tips in magazines like cosmo....I don't know that they actually help anything but I feel better :lol:


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KaiG
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12 Jul 2010, 5:26 am

Warning: I have no experience to recommend me. You know, aside from being a guy.

I would say that you should just be honest with him about these thoughts you're having. You're lucky that you've found someone who you feel comfortable enough to take that next step with. I'm sure he'll help ease you into it.

Also, it's my understanding that pretty much everyone sucks the first time, no matter what.


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sunshower
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12 Jul 2010, 6:50 am

astaut wrote:
This is coming from a virgin aspie girl, but I have a little bit of experience.


What she said, and continuing...

The best advice I can give you is not to over think it (I get the irony of this advice coming from an aspie to an aspie). What to do; move lots, touch him lots, kiss him lots. Try to express how you feel towards him through your body; a.k.a. touch him affectionately, etc. Vary it up; like go heavy, then light, then heavy again, but don't spend too long just doing the same movements. Try to be as tuned in to him as possible, register how he responds, and try different things until you get a strong positive response. Stick to that thing for a while until the response dies down, then try different things again.

What not to do; lie there like a lifeless wooden board. Like people said, it's not all that hard to please a guy, so don't stress about him not enjoying it (he's going to enjoy it no matter what, so long as you're not literally frozen stiff and completely unresponsive). Just try to relax, take it slow, and experiment with different things.


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12 Jul 2010, 7:31 am

Have some wine first. It will take off the edge of first time jitters. Then just let him do his thing. If he knows you are a virgin, he will most likely be more than willing to give you verbal commands to facilitate loving.

Think about the movie "Blue Lagoon". A boy and a girl shipwrecked. No internet, TV, adults or dirty magazines. They just did what felt natural without anyone telling them what they were supposed to do. So don't worry about what you need to do. Its already programmed into your DNA. The object is to enjoy yourself and not to put on a good show. If you can't enjoy yourself, what's the point.



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12 Jul 2010, 8:33 am

Don't worry too much about being good. Let him lead and be ready to take direction from him. If you feel pain, let him know and tell him to slow down.

Like golf, sex is something you don't have to be good at to still enjoy.



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12 Jul 2010, 10:28 am

I've been freaked out about the idea of losing my "v-card" to someone who isn't for some odd reason. I felt the same way about my first kiss, and my first kiss was with a girl who gave an ex a bl-wj-b.

Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.



Asp-Z
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12 Jul 2010, 10:31 am

Northeastern292 wrote:
I've been freaked out about the idea of losing my "v-card" to someone who isn't for some odd reason. I felt the same way about my first kiss, and my first kiss was with a girl who gave an ex a bl-wj-b.

Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.


I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.



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12 Jul 2010, 11:32 am

You should really, really tell him your a virgin as well as let him know about your anxiety/interest in it. If he's as great as you say, he'll want to make your first time special for you. If you don't tell him, he'll very likely figure it out right away and I can imagine that would be a little startling. It could confuse him, too, if he's thinking you've done it before and your behavior is not in line with his expectations. You really need to tell him.

I agree with the advice of maybe having a glass of wine, too. Don't worry about doing something wrong, if he knows you're inexperienced he'll help you. Oh, you're going to have so much fun!! :)



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12 Jul 2010, 11:38 am

happymusic wrote:
You should really, really tell him your a virgin as well as let him know about your anxiety/interest in it. If he's as great as you say, he'll want to make your first time special for you. If you don't tell him, he'll very likely figure it out right away and I can imagine that would be a little startling. It could confuse him, too, if he's thinking you've done it before and your behavior is not in line with his expectations. You really need to tell him.

I agree with the advice of maybe having a glass of wine, too. Don't worry about doing something wrong, if he knows you're inexperienced he'll help you. Oh, you're going to have so much fun!! :)


Agreed! One thing to add that I can't stress enough: Birth control!


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Northeastern292
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12 Jul 2010, 1:03 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
I've been freaked out about the idea of losing my "v-card" to someone who isn't for some odd reason. I felt the same way about my first kiss, and my first kiss was with a girl who gave an ex a bl-wj-b.

Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.


I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.


Asp-Z, I couldn't agree with you more. It's a level of sharing something with someone whose done it. You feel a sense of inferiority.



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12 Jul 2010, 2:17 pm

Speaking as a guy here, I'm one of those for which pleasuring a woman is a sort of sport.

I've had probably more than my share of virgins--4, actually. MY first time was also with a virgin, which was interesting because we'd been very physical for a long time before we took that step (we're talking about YEARS here). That time would have been REALLY hot except that I wasn't wearing any protection and I just couldn't hold off quite as long as I thought I could. So I guess we were more like "half-virgins" until the next time and we got things "worked out." It was really nice for the most part as the relationship progressed, but unfortunately by the time the relationship began sliding downward the sex was about all that was good about it.

The second virgin I had was clearly freaked out, but by this point I'd kinda had the whole sex thing figured out and didn't expect it to be a problem. My thinking was that I'd prepared the girl enough for it, but I think just too many things went wrong for it to have been a truly good experience. Here's a hint: If you aren't comfortable being naked in front of the guy, there's going to be weirdness. For ME, it was like making love to a dead fish. There were a few good episodes later on, but it was just an ill-fated relationship from the start.

The third, well, that story won't really help anyone out. We'll just say she was using me, I didn't mind, and that was that.

The last one was just a beautiful experience all the way around. I finally came to the conclusion that there IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING READY. You THINK you're ready, you THINK you want it, but you really DON'T.

What does that mean? Don't make or plan any expectations. I'd told this girl (she was 18) that she should really think whether it was worth it to be my girlfriend because sex was just something that I'd expect, whether she was willing or not. If she didn't want sex to become an issue, we would need to break up, and she told me she could accept that and that she'd go all the way with me when she was ready. So for 2 or 3 months we just kinda fooled around, experimented, and so on. I don't know if she was aware that I was preparing her for sex, but I did everything I could to be sure that she could climax and know what it felt like (without sex). So one night, with the lights and our clothes off, I pinned her to the bed and whispered "Are you ready?" She said, "no," and I think she might even have been shaking a little. So I whispered "No one ever is," and just like that she became sexually active.

It was an amazing and beautiful experience, even for me, because the way she moved was such that she didn't really seem in control of herself. She was very natural, and I even asked her a couple of times if she was sure it was her first time! Because I'd taken my time with her before, she was physically ready and it hardly hurt at all. She didn't bleed or anything. I think for her the hardest part was the emotional aspect of it, as though she was losing part of herself, because she did cry a little afterwards. I get the idea that virginity for many women is a very special thing and giving it up is never really something that carries with it any certainty of whether it was right or not. I stayed with that girl for about a year and a half until I moved away. I'm married and have 2 children, but nothing in my memory has ever been quite as striking as my experience (indeed, ALL my experiences) with her.

Speaking of which, if the prospect of losing your virginity is frightening, ask yourself whether you are ready to have a baby. That is another thing that, no matter how ready you "think" you are, you'll NEVER truly be ready. Ready or not, it is no less lovely.

Good luck! Let us know how things turn out!