Virgin Aspie Girl Woes
12 Jul 2010, 2:47 pm
Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.
I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.
Asp-Z, I couldn't agree with you more. It's a level of sharing something with someone whose done it. You feel a sense of inferiority.
Weird. I think the opposite. I think it'd be way more awkward if both parties were virgins.
Provided the person's right for you, it shouldn't matter if they're more experienced, because you shouldn't be worried about seeming inferior or not reaching expectations. If you feel that way, maybe you're not ready, or you haven't talked it through with them enough? There should be trust in the relationship, and lack of prior experience shouldn't override that.
Personally, I'd have no problem losing my virginity to someone experienced. I think it'd probably have a greater chance of not sucking if at least one of us knew what we were doing beyond the purely theoretical level.
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12 Jul 2010, 4:30 pm
This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because you don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.
Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!
Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.
And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!
Last edited by charade on 12 Jul 2010, 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
AngelRho
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12 Jul 2010, 5:24 pm
This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because your don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.
Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!
Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.
And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!
So just go for it already! =) Are you busy tonight?
All I'm saying is don't just lay there. You're going to feel like moving a little bit, so just move with it. Close your eyes and just let go.
happymusic
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. You're really lucky!
12 Jul 2010, 5:45 pm
This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because your don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.
Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!
Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.
And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!
Ok, I forgot to mention this but sensory overload could possibly be an issue. I would definitely recommend discussing the possibility of this happening with him beforehand. I get sensory overload sometimes when I'm intimate and when this happens I pull back for a while/slow things down, or talk to the other person for a bit. It's probably important to discuss this with him first so he knows what to expect if this happens, and doesn't get the wrong idea if you pull away. I think it is imperative to pull away if you start having sensory overload rather than try to keep going, pretend, and bear through it (because things will only get worse, not better).
Have you ever had problems with sensory overload before when doing things other than sex (a.k.a. kissing/touching etc)?
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12 Jul 2010, 8:22 pm
Yep. But in the past, instead of shutting down and withdrawing, I'd shut my brain down and flail sexually in their direction. I would do it because that's what I'd seen on TV, and my other friends talked about 'making out for hours' so I figured I should try and stay the course.
It's the same thing essentially in both cases, withdrawing or overcompensating blindly; I lose control of my emotions because of the sensory input, and find that I'm no longer participating with the other person 'consciously.'
In any case, what I've taken away from my experiences at this point is to always withdraw when I'm faced with sensory overload. If I'm not present emotionally, there's no point in continuing what I'm doing with the other person, no matter how much I want to please someone, or if they are really enjoying it. This is really hard for guys to deal with, even if it's just making out. "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING AGAIN?" Yeah. Anyway, I know that for me, it's best if I withdraw so I'm being honest with the other person and myself.
And that's a really good idea, to slow down/talk intimately when things get too heavy. I've always been too afraid to ask for a "break" when making out with someone because I thought they would take it negatively. But if it was anticipated by both parties, it could come off as sexy, and a way of prolonging the intimacy, or something!
Ahh. Thank you, I love this idea.
The guy in question is actually out of the country until the fall, for work. The reason I've been freaking out is because I know it's going to happen days within seeing him again, I really want it to, and so does he, obviously. It's not a rush or anything, but not doing it is starting to affect our relationship negatively, I think. It's complicated.
Thanks ! !
Last edited by charade on 12 Jul 2010, 8:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
12 Jul 2010, 8:38 pm
Yep. But in the past, instead of shutting down and withdrawing, I'd shut my brain down and flail sexually in their direction. It's the same thing essentially in both cases; I lose control of my emotions because of the sensory input, and find that I'm no longer participating with the other person consciously.
In any case, what I've taken away from my experiences at this point is to always withdraw when I'm faced with sensory overload. If I'm not present emotionally, there's no point in continuing what I'm doing with the other person, no matter how much I want to please someone, or if they are really enjoying it. This is really hard for guys to deal with, even if it's just making out. "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING AGAIN?" Yeah. Anyway, I know that for me, it's best if I withdraw so I'm being honest with the other person and myself.
And that's a really good idea, to slow down/talk intimately when things get too heavy. I've always been too afraid to ask for a "break" when making out with someone because I thought they would take it negatively. But if it was anticipated by both parties, it could come off as sexy, and a way of prolonging the intimacy, or something!
Ahh. Thank you, I love this idea.
The guy in question is actually out of the country until the fall, for work. The reason I've been freaking out is because I know it's going to happen days within seeing him again, I really want it to, and so does he, obviously. It's not a rush or anything, but not doing it is starting to affect our relationships negatively, I think. It's complicated.
Thanks ! !
Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.
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GoatOnFire
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13 Jul 2010, 2:01 am
To the OP:
It's not as hard for you as you think. If a guy has his orgasm then you've done your job. I'd be more worried about him disappointing you if I were you.
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Cosmo? That is... frankly, terrifying. Please read this article.
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-se ... -hospital/
As a guy I can attest that even though this article is from cracked, it is 100% accurate.
The power of Christ compels you.
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Northeastern292
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13 Jul 2010, 7:32 am
Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.
I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.
Asp-Z, I couldn't agree with you more. It's a level of sharing something with someone whose done it. You feel a sense of inferiority.
Weird. I think the opposite. I think it'd be way more awkward if both parties were virgins.
Provided the person's right for you, it shouldn't matter if they're more experienced, because you shouldn't be worried about seeming inferior or not reaching expectations. If you feel that way, maybe you're not ready, or you haven't talked it through with them enough? There should be trust in the relationship, and lack of prior experience shouldn't override that.
Personally, I'd have no problem losing my virginity to someone experienced. I think it'd probably have a greater chance of not sucking if at least one of us knew what we were doing beyond the purely theoretical level.
You have a point there, and I was the same way when I had my first kiss. I tend to, when it comes to social interaction, tend to be quite hypocritical.
spooky13
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13 Jul 2010, 8:46 am
It's not as hard for you as you think. If a guy has his orgasm then you've done your job. I'd be more worried about him disappointing you if I were you.
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Cosmo? That is... frankly, terrifying. Please read this article.
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-se ... -hospital/
As a guy I can attest that even though this article is from cracked, it is 100% accurate.
The power of Christ compels you.
ROFL!!
I can't believe those, kind of makes you wonder how many idiots have actually tried them.
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"Why do it today when I can put it off until tomorrow."
Diagnosed aspie with an NT alter-ego.
15 Jul 2010, 9:32 pm
The last one was just a beautiful experience all the way around. I finally came to the conclusion that there IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING READY. You THINK you're ready, you THINK you want it, but you really DON'T.
What does that mean? Don't make or plan any expectations. I'd told this girl (she was 18) that she should really think whether it was worth it to be my girlfriend because sex was just something that I'd expect, whether she was willing or not. If she didn't want sex to become an issue, we would need to break up, and she told me she could accept that and that she'd go all the way with me when she was ready. So for 2 or 3 months we just kinda fooled around, experimented, and so on. I don't know if she was aware that I was preparing her for sex, but I did everything I could to be sure that she could climax and know what it felt like (without sex). So one night, with the lights and our clothes off, I pinned her to the bed and whispered "Are you ready?" She said, "no," and I think she might even have been shaking a little. So I whispered "No one ever is," and just like that she became sexually active.
It was an amazing and beautiful experience, even for me, because the way she moved was such that she didn't really seem in control of herself. She was very natural, and I even asked her a couple of times if she was sure it was her first time! Because I'd taken my time with her before, she was physically ready and it hardly hurt at all. She didn't bleed or anything. I think for her the hardest part was the emotional aspect of it, as though she was losing part of herself, because she did cry a little afterwards. I get the idea that virginity for many women is a very special thing and giving it up is never really something that carries with it any certainty of whether it was right or not. I stayed with that girl for about a year and a half until I moved away. I'm married and have 2 children, but nothing in my memory has ever been quite as striking as my experience (indeed, ALL my experiences) with her.
Reading this clip from your life disturbs me, but reading it on a board for autism where the majority of people are already confused about interacting with people in general is even more disturbing.
Where I come from if a girl (or boy) says "No", especially in this sort of situation they mean "No". That means stop and wait until they are ready, no matter how long that takes (and no matter how naked they were at the time).
You state that she was even shaking a little? Have you really thought about that? Was she really ready? Then you mentioned that she was crying after the fact? Any more thought on that? It was an emotional thing, sounds like she really wasn't ready, but you went there anyway because you wanted to. Sure you said it was a beautiful experience for you, but it doesn't sound much like it was of her (even if she turned out to be a 'natural'). This story in your words makes me feel for her. What you wrote comes off sounding like you felt you had a free ticket to do what you wanted, when you wanted, all because in the beginning of the relationship you stated the need for sex was a big deal for you. I guess she was lucky you let her hold onto her virtue for the 2-3 months of your generous 'training'. She stayed with you for a year and a half after? You're lucky she was as forgiving, it could have been much worse for you with someone else… Honestly, I'd have the guys nuts in a jar.
This was a good experience to learn how not to take someones virginity.
This has to bother other people? They make laws for s**t like that.
15 Jul 2010, 9:58 pm
Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.
I am definitely going to take all of your advice. Talk about everything extensively with him, and pull away when I need to, but make sure that he's aware of what's going on so he doesn't feel confused. It seems like honesty and communication are key here. And the playful factor will probably will not be there for the first time, because I'll be scared s**tless, but I'm sure it will come eventually!
Also, I agree with everything you just posted, Wrackspurt. I completely agree. Those real life experiences from AngelRho are horrifying, and rape immediately came to my mind after I finished reading his post.
16 Jul 2010, 12:35 am
Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.
I am definitely going to take all of your advice. Talk about everything extensively with him, and pull away when I need to, but make sure that he's aware of what's going on so he doesn't feel confused. It seems like honesty and communication are key here. And the playful factor will probably will not be there for the first time, because I'll be scared s**tless, but I'm sure it will come eventually!
I hope everything goes well for you, and I wish you the best of luck.
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AngelRho
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16 Jul 2010, 9:02 am
Charade: My apologies if it came across as rape. There's a difference in being "ready" for something and giving consent to something. She knew she could make me stop at any time. It was something that she wanted and it was something we talked about MANY times before. Because we both had feelings for each other, the decision to have sex was not a big deal in the long run.
The "not being ready" thing was more about how the moment caught her by surprise. For her, it was a HUGE step, especially since she'd never even been kissed before me (assuming she was telling the truth, of course, and I have no reason to doubt her). So in not having any experience at all with a man before, she wasn't ready and likely never would have been. Not "ready," but willing and consenting to go through with it.
What was completely new to me about this girl is that she didn't even know what an orgasm was or what it felt like. I could tell when it happened--but I think she expected it to be one of those really powerful, rip-your-body-open kinds of feelings like in the movies. The way she described it seemed like part of her body just got tired and shut down, which was frustrating for her because what she was expecting never happened. I had to explain to her what was going on with her body, after which we decided that was enough for one night.
You seem much more mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared than her, and certainly more than most. I have a lot of vivid memories of this girl, even our first kiss (which was her first ever). We'd been talking for a while, which turned into a conversation of innuendos. I believe I asked "What do you think?" She said something like, "Oh, I don't think." That was her way of saying she'd turned her brain off and surrendered to whatever was going to happen. That's how she let me kiss her. Having sex for the first time wasn't much different--just turn off the brain and let things happen. But as well as I thought I knew her, the last thing that happened that night really caught me by surprise. When we stopped, she was fine for a while. But after a few minutes, it was like her brain clicked back on and the reality of what she'd just done hit her very hard. It was emotionally VERY overwhelming for her, and I think she found it confusing--not knowing whether she should be overjoyed or whether she should be sad. Maybe it was sadness, wondering if she'd let go of something that made her special, that won out. All I could do is comfort her until she fell asleep.
From what you've described about yourself, you MAY possibly experience something like this for different reasons. A million things might race through your mind, and "just letting it happen" might be difficult for you. That would be my only concern. Four women I've been with were virgins (it's not a preference, it just happened that way), and only ONE of them didn't have an overwhelming emotional reaction to it. That one had just ended a relationship after her would-be husband "came out." They guy just stopped talking to her one day, after they'd been together for YEARS, and finally dropped the bomb on her as to why they couldn't be together anymore. She decided then she'd had enough of BS from men, that she'd waited more than long enough, and was going to get SOMETHING out of this, and I just happened to be there!! ! Even the girl I was dating at the time knew about it and actually set the whole thing up. The point is that was one special case out of four. You might be that person, but don't be surprised if the emotional aspect of the act hits you like a freight train.
The girl I'm always talking about: We weren't together again for at least a week, maybe longer, before we tried again. Things DID go a little bit smoother the next time after knowing what to expect, and it became a regular thing after a month or two. She started noticing some subtle physical changes, which she asked me about. I explained her body wasn't used to being with a man yet and that it was adjusting. She also found that it was as much addictive as it was easy, and the real joy for me in getting to know her (not just sexually) was watching how she blossomed from someone who still had the maturity of a 12-year-old (albeit a highly intelligent one) to a young woman in the two years I was with her.
I hated breaking up with her when I had to move away, and it was really difficult for both of us. Afterwards she made some decisions I'm disappointed in, but at the same time I recognize that she is her own person who has to make up her own mind. She ended up dating a very nice younger guy, not unlike her when I found her, and as far as I'm aware she decided NOT to have sex again, at least with this guy, until when and if they got married. Honestly, I applaud her for that. I don't know if she's changed her mind, because it has been several years now, but I do admire anyone who has that kind of self-control. I certainly don't!
Anyway, before I get TOO nostalgic... Something I found helpful with her was not to rush into having "great sex." Our first time actually started out very sweetly, but it could have ended badly. Technically speaking, I didn't "finish" because she needed more time to get things figured out. She was perfectly fine with that because it meant I wasn't putting any demands on her. And once everyone "down there" got to know each other, the sex was really great. I've also found that first time with a new sexual partner, things are always going to be a little weird, even when neither partner is a virgin. My personal opinion is if the male is confident that he knows what he's doing, that "weirdness" can be really thrilling. My mind always goes back to a certain redhead I had a brief affair with before I met the albino girl. She was already in a relationship, but it just wasn't really going anywhere. She was into "toys," which I'm not into AT ALL, and I think being with someone new coupled with "vanilla" sex was extremely exciting for her. It probably wouldn't have been exciting for long if I'd allowed the relationship to continue. But at that stage, it can really be amazing. I think it can be either really GREAT or it can be really awful. For me, being with someone new has always been almost like going through the first time all over again. If you go through with sex with this guy and you break up later on, then that's a whole other experience you have to look forward to!
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