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KaiG
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12 Jul 2010, 2:47 pm

Northeastern292 wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
I've been freaked out about the idea of losing my "v-card" to someone who isn't for some odd reason. I felt the same way about my first kiss, and my first kiss was with a girl who gave an ex a bl-wj-b.

Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.


I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.


Asp-Z, I couldn't agree with you more. It's a level of sharing something with someone whose done it. You feel a sense of inferiority.

Weird. I think the opposite. I think it'd be way more awkward if both parties were virgins.

Provided the person's right for you, it shouldn't matter if they're more experienced, because you shouldn't be worried about seeming inferior or not reaching expectations. If you feel that way, maybe you're not ready, or you haven't talked it through with them enough? There should be trust in the relationship, and lack of prior experience shouldn't override that.

Personally, I'd have no problem losing my virginity to someone experienced. I think it'd probably have a greater chance of not sucking if at least one of us knew what we were doing beyond the purely theoretical level.


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charade
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12 Jul 2010, 4:30 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
Everyone feels like that before their first time, whether they're AS or not. After you do it once, you won't be so nervous anymore. Just go for it is all I can really say.


This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because you don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.

Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!

Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.

And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!



Last edited by charade on 12 Jul 2010, 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AngelRho
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12 Jul 2010, 5:24 pm

charade wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
Everyone feels like that before their first time, whether they're AS or not. After you do it once, you won't be so nervous anymore. Just go for it is all I can really say.


This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because your don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.

Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!

Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.

And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!


So just go for it already! =) Are you busy tonight?

All I'm saying is don't just lay there. You're going to feel like moving a little bit, so just move with it. Close your eyes and just let go.



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12 Jul 2010, 5:44 pm

Charade, you should really be excited - I wish my first had been an older, more experienced guy and not some bumbling kid who knew nothing and was too excited to figure out if I was enjoying it or not :roll: . You're really lucky!



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12 Jul 2010, 5:45 pm

charade wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
Everyone feels like that before their first time, whether they're AS or not. After you do it once, you won't be so nervous anymore. Just go for it is all I can really say.


This is great advice! It's true, it's natural to be a bit apprehensive for the first time, because your don't know what to expect. I think I'm just getting so absorbed in all of my quirks that I'm forgetting that I'm also human too, haha.

Thanks for the responses everyone! Many of you said that I should tell him more about my feelings about sex and intimacy beforehand, and I think that's a good idea. I already have partially, and I'm sure he'll understand when I tell him everything there is to know, fully. I'm just horrible at communicating with him about intimacy, I'm pretty shy. Not because I'm scared or uncomfortable, I'm just shy, ahaha. And, I don't want to overwhelm him I guess. Although I actually think it might be impossible to do so. I just worry excessively sometimes!

Also, I think it would be a good idea for us to drink wine or something beforehand, because it really does help my mind stop racing because my senses are slightly muted. I do tend to freeze up and withdraw when I'm overloaded with sensory input, so, having a buffer like alcohol will likely help.

And, to the previous poster, we're totally ready, and there's tons of trust there. I'm just nervous about making it more awesome than it's going to be. Like for example, I don't want to shutdown in the middle of it all, and I'm worried because I can see myself doing that. Not always, but at least until I adjust to the heightened level of closeness. yeah. Complicated!


Ok, I forgot to mention this but sensory overload could possibly be an issue. I would definitely recommend discussing the possibility of this happening with him beforehand. I get sensory overload sometimes when I'm intimate and when this happens I pull back for a while/slow things down, or talk to the other person for a bit. It's probably important to discuss this with him first so he knows what to expect if this happens, and doesn't get the wrong idea if you pull away. I think it is imperative to pull away if you start having sensory overload rather than try to keep going, pretend, and bear through it (because things will only get worse, not better).

Have you ever had problems with sensory overload before when doing things other than sex (a.k.a. kissing/touching etc)?


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charade
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12 Jul 2010, 8:22 pm

sunshower wrote:
Have you ever had problems with sensory overload before when doing things other than sex (a.k.a. kissing/touching etc)?


Yep. But in the past, instead of shutting down and withdrawing, I'd shut my brain down and flail sexually in their direction. I would do it because that's what I'd seen on TV, and my other friends talked about 'making out for hours' so I figured I should try and stay the course.

It's the same thing essentially in both cases, withdrawing or overcompensating blindly; I lose control of my emotions because of the sensory input, and find that I'm no longer participating with the other person 'consciously.'

In any case, what I've taken away from my experiences at this point is to always withdraw when I'm faced with sensory overload. If I'm not present emotionally, there's no point in continuing what I'm doing with the other person, no matter how much I want to please someone, or if they are really enjoying it. This is really hard for guys to deal with, even if it's just making out. "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING AGAIN?" Yeah. Anyway, I know that for me, it's best if I withdraw so I'm being honest with the other person and myself.

And that's a really good idea, to slow down/talk intimately when things get too heavy. I've always been too afraid to ask for a "break" when making out with someone because I thought they would take it negatively. But if it was anticipated by both parties, it could come off as sexy, and a way of prolonging the intimacy, or something!

Ahh. Thank you, I love this idea.

The guy in question is actually out of the country until the fall, for work. The reason I've been freaking out is because I know it's going to happen days within seeing him again, I really want it to, and so does he, obviously. It's not a rush or anything, but not doing it is starting to affect our relationship negatively, I think. It's complicated.
Thanks ! !



Last edited by charade on 12 Jul 2010, 8:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

GhostOfTheChameleon
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12 Jul 2010, 8:29 pm

Don't worry about what he thinks, just try to enjoy it and be playful!



sunshower
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12 Jul 2010, 8:38 pm

charade wrote:
sunshower wrote:
Have you ever had problems with sensory overload before when doing things other than sex (a.k.a. kissing/touching etc)?


Yep. But in the past, instead of shutting down and withdrawing, I'd shut my brain down and flail sexually in their direction. It's the same thing essentially in both cases; I lose control of my emotions because of the sensory input, and find that I'm no longer participating with the other person consciously.

In any case, what I've taken away from my experiences at this point is to always withdraw when I'm faced with sensory overload. If I'm not present emotionally, there's no point in continuing what I'm doing with the other person, no matter how much I want to please someone, or if they are really enjoying it. This is really hard for guys to deal with, even if it's just making out. "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING AGAIN?" Yeah. Anyway, I know that for me, it's best if I withdraw so I'm being honest with the other person and myself.

And that's a really good idea, to slow down/talk intimately when things get too heavy. I've always been too afraid to ask for a "break" when making out with someone because I thought they would take it negatively. But if it was anticipated by both parties, it could come off as sexy, and a way of prolonging the intimacy, or something!

Ahh. Thank you, I love this idea.

The guy in question is actually out of the country until the fall, for work. The reason I've been freaking out is because I know it's going to happen days within seeing him again, I really want it to, and so does he, obviously. It's not a rush or anything, but not doing it is starting to affect our relationships negatively, I think. It's complicated.
Thanks ! !


Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.


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13 Jul 2010, 2:01 am

To the OP:

It's not as hard for you as you think. If a guy has his orgasm then you've done your job. I'd be more worried about him disappointing you if I were you.

astaut wrote:
If I feel insecure, I like to read those sex tips in magazines like cosmo....I don't know that they actually help anything but I feel better :lol:

8O 8O 8O :shaking:
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Cosmo? That is... frankly, terrifying. Please read this article.

http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-se ... -hospital/

As a guy I can attest that even though this article is from cracked, it is 100% accurate.

The power of Christ compels you.


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Northeastern292
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13 Jul 2010, 7:32 am

KaiG wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
Northeastern292 wrote:
I've been freaked out about the idea of losing my "v-card" to someone who isn't for some odd reason. I felt the same way about my first kiss, and my first kiss was with a girl who gave an ex a bl-wj-b.

Maybe I should become a born-again Christian if I'm feeling like this.


I feel the same (I'm a virgin at the moment, too). I makes sense, though - it'd be much less awkward if the other person hasen't done it before either. If they have, you'd find yourself worried about their expectations and stuff as well as everything else.


Asp-Z, I couldn't agree with you more. It's a level of sharing something with someone whose done it. You feel a sense of inferiority.

Weird. I think the opposite. I think it'd be way more awkward if both parties were virgins.

Provided the person's right for you, it shouldn't matter if they're more experienced, because you shouldn't be worried about seeming inferior or not reaching expectations. If you feel that way, maybe you're not ready, or you haven't talked it through with them enough? There should be trust in the relationship, and lack of prior experience shouldn't override that.

Personally, I'd have no problem losing my virginity to someone experienced. I think it'd probably have a greater chance of not sucking if at least one of us knew what we were doing beyond the purely theoretical level.


You have a point there, and I was the same way when I had my first kiss. I tend to, when it comes to social interaction, tend to be quite hypocritical.



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13 Jul 2010, 8:46 am

GoatOnFire wrote:
To the OP:

It's not as hard for you as you think. If a guy has his orgasm then you've done your job. I'd be more worried about him disappointing you if I were you.
astaut wrote:
If I feel insecure, I like to read those sex tips in magazines like cosmo....I don't know that they actually help anything but I feel better :lol:

8O 8O 8O :shaking:
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Cosmo? That is... frankly, terrifying. Please read this article.

http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-se ... -hospital/

As a guy I can attest that even though this article is from cracked, it is 100% accurate.

The power of Christ compels you.


ROFL!! :P

I can't believe those, kind of makes you wonder how many idiots have actually tried them.


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15 Jul 2010, 9:32 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Speaking as a guy here, I'm one of those for which pleasuring a woman is a sort of sport. (snip)

The last one was just a beautiful experience all the way around. I finally came to the conclusion that there IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING READY. You THINK you're ready, you THINK you want it, but you really DON'T.

What does that mean? Don't make or plan any expectations. I'd told this girl (she was 18) that she should really think whether it was worth it to be my girlfriend because sex was just something that I'd expect, whether she was willing or not. If she didn't want sex to become an issue, we would need to break up, and she told me she could accept that and that she'd go all the way with me when she was ready. So for 2 or 3 months we just kinda fooled around, experimented, and so on. I don't know if she was aware that I was preparing her for sex, but I did everything I could to be sure that she could climax and know what it felt like (without sex). So one night, with the lights and our clothes off, I pinned her to the bed and whispered "Are you ready?" She said, "no," and I think she might even have been shaking a little. So I whispered "No one ever is," and just like that she became sexually active.

It was an amazing and beautiful experience, even for me, because the way she moved was such that she didn't really seem in control of herself. She was very natural, and I even asked her a couple of times if she was sure it was her first time! Because I'd taken my time with her before, she was physically ready and it hardly hurt at all. She didn't bleed or anything. I think for her the hardest part was the emotional aspect of it, as though she was losing part of herself, because she did cry a little afterwards. I get the idea that virginity for many women is a very special thing and giving it up is never really something that carries with it any certainty of whether it was right or not. I stayed with that girl for about a year and a half until I moved away. I'm married and have 2 children, but nothing in my memory has ever been quite as striking as my experience (indeed, ALL my experiences) with her.


Reading this clip from your life disturbs me, but reading it on a board for autism where the majority of people are already confused about interacting with people in general is even more disturbing.

Where I come from if a girl (or boy) says "No", especially in this sort of situation they mean "No". That means stop and wait until they are ready, no matter how long that takes (and no matter how naked they were at the time).

You state that she was even shaking a little? Have you really thought about that? Was she really ready? Then you mentioned that she was crying after the fact? Any more thought on that? It was an emotional thing, sounds like she really wasn't ready, but you went there anyway because you wanted to. Sure you said it was a beautiful experience for you, but it doesn't sound much like it was of her (even if she turned out to be a 'natural'). This story in your words makes me feel for her. What you wrote comes off sounding like you felt you had a free ticket to do what you wanted, when you wanted, all because in the beginning of the relationship you stated the need for sex was a big deal for you. I guess she was lucky you let her hold onto her virtue for the 2-3 months of your generous 'training'. She stayed with you for a year and a half after? You're lucky she was as forgiving, it could have been much worse for you with someone else… Honestly, I'd have the guys nuts in a jar.

This was a good experience to learn how not to take someones virginity.

This has to bother other people? They make laws for s**t like that.



charade
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15 Jul 2010, 9:58 pm

sunshower wrote:

Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.


I am definitely going to take all of your advice. Talk about everything extensively with him, and pull away when I need to, but make sure that he's aware of what's going on so he doesn't feel confused. It seems like honesty and communication are key here. And the playful factor will probably will not be there for the first time, because I'll be scared shitless, but I'm sure it will come eventually!

Also, I agree with everything you just posted, Wrackspurt. I completely agree. Those real life experiences from AngelRho are horrifying, and rape immediately came to my mind after I finished reading his post.



KaiG
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15 Jul 2010, 11:54 pm

That post does seem to betray a pretty disturbing viewpoint on his part.


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16 Jul 2010, 12:35 am

charade wrote:
sunshower wrote:

Wow... sounds like you're just like me in this department. I find that once it occurs I "shut down emotionally" also and stop feeling anything for the other person even, it's sort of like I'm just going through the motions, although they are generally 100% convinced that I am all there (even while I am completely detached inside and cold), it's pretty scary in some sense. I feel that when this happens it's better to pull away straight away even if they complain and act disappointed, because otherwise you're being dishonest with them and it's almost like you're playing them. Yes I've found if you a. discuss all these issues openly beforehand and explain, and b. set a precedent where each time it happens you pull away for a while and talk/joke intimately, even with light touching, or you could tickle each other or just be playful in a less sexual way (a.k.a. joke about a bit), and only continue once you start to feel intimate and connected again (I find talking and playfulness can actually help me to reconnect with the other person after sensory shutdown and disconnection has occurred), they will become adjusted to the pattern and I think it can be quite enjoyable for both parties. I think generally (and other posters can correct me if I'm wrong here) guys like variation and furthermore intimacy when not taken dead seriously and instead mixed in with playfulness can be less stressful/high pressure, and more enjoyable for both parties. If you understand what I'm getting at here. I think honesty and discussing all these issues is vital.


I am definitely going to take all of your advice. Talk about everything extensively with him, and pull away when I need to, but make sure that he's aware of what's going on so he doesn't feel confused. It seems like honesty and communication are key here. And the playful factor will probably will not be there for the first time, because I'll be scared shitless, but I'm sure it will come eventually!


I hope everything goes well for you, and I wish you the best of luck.


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