I am Enraged

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Lene, thank you for your very balanced replies. I must say that other than the IM sessions, this relationship has gone quite well, I'm quite happy with my Lady and she has admitted that she appears to have a problem with setting boundaries with men, a problem she intends to work on.

I do appreciate the sacrifice of her giving up Bruce; however with the ambiguity of that relationship, I think it really HAD to end.

I Trust Her, but I'm not sure that I trust her Judgement.

It's nice to know that the clothing doesn't really mean anything, however if she tells me she's going berry-picking and wears that outfit, I'm going to get suspicious...

It's tricky really, only you can figure out what the real situation is.

The culture expects women to 'look good', so deciding whether she is purposefully seeking male approval to a greater extent than 'the norm' is going to be a tough one. After all, she is perfectly within her rights to wear whatever the hell she chooses, regardless of what you or anyone else think. If everyone else wore sacks, then a push-up bra and heels might stand out, but take a good look around before you condemn her for the way she dresses.

I would have a great deal of trouble tolerating someone who spied on me, but then I don't do things that need spying on, so I cannot imagine how she would feel. I dress to please myself, but many women (most women perhaps) may consider passing male approval a natural part of life, rather than something they actively seek.

And some people need their partner to be a bit jealous, to make them feel cared about - that's tricky if you are anxiety-prone and need reassuringly solid trustworthiness.


Are you seeing a pattern of behaviour where none exists, because of one factor; or were your concerns and investigations triggered by an underlying sense of disquiet, which you don't really want to be true, so are trying to discount.

Can you talk to your partner about your concerns, and find out what she considers to be perfectly normal behaviour for her. You may both have different ideas about ordinary.

You may be right to be concerned, you may be worrying unnecessarily, so don't force yourself into making decisions too hastily.

ps. If she wore nothing but 4-inch heels and a push-up Bra to go see the Optometrist, then you should be concerned.

I hope things work out well for you and your lady.

This is why I will never have a relationship. To me this would be black and white; the guy is clearly manipulating her and I don't think your fiancee has the power to resist that. That is, of course, her choice to follow him or not, but I would simply say I've read your messages, don't like them, and have to leave now for good. Take care, who ever my girlfriend would be. And leave forever. Black and white, no hurt feelings. I love black and white thinking.

Ahh seriously, I think your girlfriend really is a flirt and craves attention from men. Your going to have problems with her in the future, I guarentee it.

I'm wondering if your gal isn't Aspie too? Some of the desire to keep people happy and comply to requests that should be turned down--because she can't see they are out of line, perhaps?--sounds a little like an AsperGirl. When this conversation happened, and she was very clear, she SHOULD have ended it when he just couldn't change the channel...why didn't she? Was it because she didn't know how? didn't realize he was out of line? or that she really wanted the attention? Only she knows, and unfortunately, we often lie to ourselves about that kind of stuff. It's a human thing.

Next, I'm wondering if the open ended "later" thing in the letter you two wrote to the dude is leaving things too open ended. His pursuit of her after she made the relationship more clear is grounds to sever ties permanently. For everyone's mental health.

Third, the whole IM thing needs to be discussed...you had no right to read and post those conversations. She had no right to have those conversations while in a committed, monogamous relationship. You both done wrong. Although you both found a way to resolve the Brian issue, the issues that caused all the turmoil are still there (or how she dresses probably wouldn't bother you, and she probably wouldn't be dressing that way to go to the optometrist). These patterns have a way of repeating and repeating...couples counseling (if you're serious about a long term relationship together), might be a way to get those things ironed out before you take vows.

If you can't work it out now...it's only going to escalate. (BTW, pot? this here is kettle...yeah, wanted to tell you, you look a little sooty on the outside...)

Pandorazmtbox, you've made some great points.

It has occurred to me that she could be an Aspie, she seems to be very naive about men's intentions. I do think that she had a lingering attraction to Bruce, but when he crossed the line in such an obvious way, I think she realized it was time to give up the Crush. Both Tara and I are a bit soft-headed and soft-hearted so I kind of understand where she was at. I'm just glad to get rid of Bruce, the Last of the POF Debris

Due to conversations after the "Dear Bruce" letter, I believe the tie is permanently severed. That kind of makes my decision simple: If she tries to contact him after this, I'll know I can't Trust her for sure and that it is time to end the relationship. My main worry is, will there be other Bruces in the Future?

I sometimes wonder if she is a closet polyamorist but cannot bring herself to admit it?

Paul

Yes, is it her, is it me, or is it both of us?

Paul

now i may be 18 but im also asexual type b i know alot about love because i see love as deeper than sex or lust what you feel is lust not love lust is like love but is built on envy and hatred not a deep and meaningful care for each other. i think you both need to talk with honesty no more talking to us talk to her as direct as possible but remember to use tact.

Hi:

Well, here we are, many months later. T started talking with Bruce again in January. At first things were all innocent but then they started talking dirty. One day she fired up the webcam and showed him her Breasts. This past Sunday, while I was at work, the webcam went on again and she showed him her Vagina and he showed her his Penis.

I am planning on Breaking up with her Tomorrow. Understandable?

Paul

Absolutely understandable! I'm so sorry. I wish things had worked out for you. Clearly, she needed something you weren't able to give her--that isn't to say you didn't, sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us. Still, it's better to walk away now. You gave it a good try, but I think that's enough pain. Don't you?

Yikes.

Yes, I think I gave it a Good Try -- 14 Months. Even if I could accept that she seems to be fundamentally Polyamorous, I think this would have had to have been brought up and discussed at the beginning of the Relationship.

By allowing her to talk to Bruce again I think I gave her enough Rope to Hang herself... and she did.

<deleted my first comment>

I should learn to read the entire thread before I reply! LOL

Get some therapy to deal with the aftermath of these negative emotions so they don't carry over into your next relationship and just move on with your life. I'm glad you finally dumped her. But there's one thing you should know: polygamous/polyamormous people do not cheat. Cheaters cheat. Polygamous/Polyamorous people will honor a monogamy agreement because they are true people in their hearts, just like Monogamous people. They may not be completely happy but they'll break up from that monogamous relationship before they'll cheat in it. People who are riddled with insecurity and low self-esteem will cheat. If they're in a polygamous relationship, they'll still cheat by breaking the rules agreed upon in the primary relationship. They just have to do it.

If it's any consolation I'll guarantee you that the moment you cut her loose, Bruce lost interest because then she was back available and that scared him to death before. But that's the price she paid for playing with fire.

100%.

Sorry it didn't work out.

Even if your relationship is over, you need to know it is not healthy to be that invasive and controlling, it will drive anyone away in time.
People that want to cheat cannot be stopped, you have to learn to trust, and not cross boundaries.