It's too heavy

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I seem to fluctuate somewhat from feeling quite satisfied and moving sort of ok, to this unneccesary feeling of disappointment and burning energy that can't be burned on anything useful.
Still miss my ex girlfriend, hate the area I live in, despise being told how to live my life, and I'm something of a dreamer.
I believe that nothing will stop me on my path to get music done, but I also feel like I'm betrayed and forgotten.
I am very dependent and I don't care about not being so, but my counsillor stresses that I need to learn some independent skills and balance life out, and logically yes - that is certainly true.

I have had a recent mindset of only wanting two things to drive me in life - music and a relationship.

OCD is a real pain in the a** because I feel like I'm evil for anything I do... whatever I type or say...
It's really annoying.
I think I might be slightly susceptable to mood swings because I go from feeling pretty confident and high on life, to miserable, bitter and slightly paranoid.

I am fed up with it. My ex girlfriend won't get back with me and I feel cross and agitated.
I am highly emotionally unstable and want the world to be how I want it to be. My head is in the clouds and I feel somewhat cold when the feeling of being in the clouds doesn't satisfy my mind enough.

Music will get done and I will get somewhere - I just know it, but even that scares me a little.

I'm scared of myself - terrified of my own mind.

One has to be patient, very patient, to get the world how one wants it to be

I wish you the best with your music.
Do you write it yourself?

I felt that way when I was 17. I was very talented but I was afraid because I came from a religious family and was told my subject matter was disturbing and I thought maybe they were right. So I denied myself of progressing and can't get that fire back. I know I have no one to blame but myself for giving in to that bs. I can still create things now but do not have any passion for it.

I tell my kids, who also create, to just do it. It is their work and they are in control, whether it is violent, sexual or abstract. I even tell them its okay to curse when they write stories or songs if that is how they feel.

Art is selfish. Do your music, kick, howl, scream, cry, whatever it takes. Get it all down and record it. If life is pain, use it. Don't stop.

I am a very confused individual, almost always indecisive.
It's as though I crave a relationship but have no urge at the same time.

It's taken 3 months, but I'm starting to send hate mail towards her.
Well I have done before, but I'm doing that again now.
All it takes is one bad day and I go and wreck my self esteem. Perhaps this is partly due to lack of sleep today.

I really have had enough. I don't want to live in this Country, I feel like I'm forever chasing dreams, I can't stand being single, I feel wrath towards my ex and her bl**dy parents, I am inconsistent with music and my friends are few and far between, all online.
S***w it.
Maybe it is time I learn some independent skills.
I am prone to depressed feelings and I just hate it when I feel this paranoid, hurt, betrayed and incompetent.

I wanted to do that towards an ex, but didn't and have been happy I haven't.

Yes, I think too that it's best not to send her those emails of yours.
You can still write them but then delete them or tear them up if it's on paper.

Since your relationship is over, what's the use to let her know your feelings?
What's the purpose of it?

I mean, there's 2 options (or more but I only think of 2)
- She doesn't care and is only irritated to still see your name in her mail box
- She might be frightened, might feel harassed or even sad for you, out of pity.

I don't think that you nor her need that to recover from your past love story, do you ?

I feel sad for you that it's so difficult to overcome those difficulties.
Do you sleep and eat well?

Pity doesn't bother me, when it comes to this. No strings attached - I don't care.
We are "friends" of sorts.
I don't sleep too well and my days are so bloody limited that the only things that happen are bloomin' messages or me playing guitar.

Well, play the guitar then.
At least, that is something you can improve on your own.
Without hurting anyone and on the opposite

You sound like me on some of my bad days. I know that the OCD rumination doesn't help.

Have your testosterone checked -- there might be an issue there. I had an issue and things got more stable for me mentally once I got on treatment.

You might also have some deeper psycological issues (bipolar, attachment disorder, etc.) that you should have explored by a professional.

Knock off the hatemail crap. It is pathetic.

Take up activities that take the focus out of your head and into your center.

Maybe I am pathetic. I don't mind.

Last edited by samtoo on 20 Jul 2010, 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah perhaps I should take up driving lessons and re-take Tae Kwon Do, which I am so in and out of it's terribly inconsistent.

I vote for Tae Kwon Do.