Women who have aspergers: A non-issue for them

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nessa238
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10 Dec 2012, 3:19 pm

Most people don't have the intelligence to work out that you need to look for partners from a less popular/desirable pool and that to keep blindly going after the same type of person everyone wants is not going to meet with rapid success if any! Then moan when they get poor results!

You need to develop a taste for the niche market quite obviously ie those people who aren't being lusted after by everyone in the vicinity

Why is this obvious fact SO HARD for the average person to get their head around??

I understood it instinctively and amended what I was looking for to cater for market availability
to a person like myself.



neecerie
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10 Dec 2012, 4:13 pm

I think another aspect that keeps getting ignored a bit in this discussion, is the concept of 'relationship' vs 'dates'

Sure, it might well be easier for a female with AS to get 'dates', but I do not think it is any easier for women to have a real honest long term relationship, when coping with the social issues we all cope with.

And while the men may think 'hey thats better then the nothing we get', it really isn't...

get asked out, they find out you are odd, bye bye

rinse repeat....

I do not think that is any better or any less demoralising then no dates at all.



Last edited by neecerie on 10 Dec 2012, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JellyCat
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10 Dec 2012, 4:15 pm

I'm considered attractive by many, am female, am an Aspie, and don't come across as obviously autistic, yet men avoid me once they get to know me a little.
You're generalizing way too much.



hanyo
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10 Dec 2012, 4:20 pm

Well I haven't had sex since 1995 and haven't had any kind of relationship since 1993. The couple of relationships I had if they could even be called that lasted 3 and 5 months.



Cinnamon
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11 Dec 2012, 6:12 am

Joe90 wrote:
Woman have to look presentable all the time. Men can just chuck on an old shirt for casual wear and still be socially accepted. Men don't have to wear make-up either. Women who don't wear make-up are very few and far between; the majority of women DO wear make-up of some sort, and have to make more of an effort to look nice.


I think I understand what you are saying, but it's not entirely true. Women do not 'have' to look presentable. They have a choice. And know a lot of women who never or almost never wear make up. I don't wear make up - I used to apply kohl eyeliner when I was young and punk, and draw pretty patterns on the side of my face, but nowadays I don't do that either.
When I leave the house I make an effort to look tidy and more or less respectable, but not to look more attractive. Although I do try to look a little less fat sometimes. :)



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11 Dec 2012, 6:21 am

neecerie wrote:
I think another aspect that keeps getting ignored a bit in this discussion, is the concept of 'relationship' vs 'dates'

Sure, it might well be easier for a female with AS to get 'dates', but I do not think it is any easier for women to have a real honest long term relationship, when coping with the social issues we all cope with.

And while the men may think 'hey thats better then the nothing we get', it really isn't...

get asked out, they find out you are odd, bye bye

rinse repeat....

I do not think that is any better or any less demoralising then no dates at all.


Exactly. I've been on dates. I've been on dates without even knowing I was on a date at the time. I was perceived as attractive, but I did not really think of myself in terms of how attractive I might be. It made it easy to get male attention (and later on, female attention) but the thing is that I wasn't really interested unless it was about my interests. I did try to pursue a few relationships, but the same thing happens every time - I lose interest. Also, being as I am asexual, I find the sexual expectations in relationships to be difficult-to-impossible to navigate, which is another reason I am not particularly enthusiastic about relationships.

Also, it was rather clear to me that a relationship might not be good for me when my idea of the ideal living situation is living alone. Not having a relationship doesn't particularly distress me. I don't know that this is better or worse than wanting a relationship and having one or wanting a relationship and not having one, and I hope I do not come across trying to sound like I think it is better or worse. It's just how I am.



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11 Dec 2012, 7:44 am

These from another topic sum up the general rule of thumb for aspie guys in this situation:

mds_02 wrote:
Most of the guys who complain here about their virginity have said that the reason they are so bothered by it is because it is symbolic of how alone and unwanted they feel.

BlueMax wrote:
I'd say it's good for your psyche to know that someone found you desirable enough at least once - so you're not only "worth something" but also that it can happen again.


Is the OP still with us or has he managed to get to heaven after all? I'm still waiting unfortunately.



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11 Dec 2012, 7:56 am

Cuckooflower wrote:
But if you're a pretty woman with aspergers, it just doesn't matter. In fact men might even like you MORE because of it.


I'm not even going to bother reading the 18 pages of replies; this is completely wrong.

Being pretty makes no difference. We still cannot cope with NT social rules and are actually more likely to be exploited because of our looks/gender, plus our poor theory of mind, naivety and so on.
That has happened to me a few times; I have not actually suffered a sexual assault, but I cringe to think of how many times I have been close to being taken advantage of because of totally misreading a situation, and I have attracted stalkers because of my poor theory of mind and vulnerability.

It's no joke being a female with this disability in the world of sexual politics.
There is no comparison.

If your attractive and have issue, be assured if you were a man they'd be much worst.

For dudes appearance don't really matter. However for woman it's pretty much a defining factor.


Being aspie and a unattractive woman is pretty much the worst situation.

While being attractive pretty much makes the aspie side of things not so much of an issue.

I donno I find this pretty insulting to not acknowledge the difference.

For a dude you need money, or you have to find the rare aspie chick that has not gone after a NT.

Both genders got issues but their no where near the same..


The relationship problems (and the things that go along with it) are obviously the hardest problem of aspergers, it's a joke to suggest otherwise.



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11 Dec 2012, 8:03 am

Stoek wrote:
There is no comparison.

If your attractive and have issue, be assured if you were a man they'd be much worst.

For dudes appearance don't really matter. However for woman it's pretty much a defining factor.


Actually...no, appearance for women is not a defining factor. However, treating women as if appearance is a defining factor is sexist.

Quote:
Being aspie and a unattractive woman is pretty much the worst situation.

While being attractive pretty much makes the aspie side of things not so much of an issue.

I donno I find this pretty insulting to not acknowledge the difference.


I find it pretty insulting that a guy thinks he can explain to women what their experiences are really like. Do you honestly believe that you have the inside dope on what life is like for a woman who is autistic and seen as attractive, so much so that you are willing to actually tell women that when they describe what it is like for them that they are wrong? Where do you get such authority to make such a claim?

Quote:
For a dude you need money, or you have to find the rare aspie chick that has not gone after a NT.

Both genders got issues but their no where near the same..


Citation badly needed. If you're going to make such a sweeping claim, you need to back it up with facts, not personal emotional turmoil.

Quote:
The relationship problems (and the things that go along with it) are obviously the hardest problem of aspergers, it's a joke to suggest otherwise.


Of course, once you claim that men have it significantly worse than women when it comes to relationships, you also claim that relationship problems are the hardest problem of Asperger's. I find my relationship problems to be a relative non-issue because I am not particularly interested in relationships. I experience more difficulties due to sensory overload because it is something that affects me daily and causes regular shutdowns, whereas the relationship thing barely comes up.



Stoek
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11 Dec 2012, 12:46 pm

Verdandi wrote:
Stoek wrote:
There is no comparison.

If your attractive and have issue, be assured if you were a man they'd be much worst.

For dudes appearance don't really matter. However for woman it's pretty much a defining factor.


Actually...no, appearance for women is not a defining factor. However, treating women as if appearance is a defining factor is sexist.

Quote:
Being aspie and a unattractive woman is pretty much the worst situation.

While being attractive pretty much makes the aspie side of things not so much of an issue.

I donno I find this pretty insulting to not acknowledge the difference.


I find it pretty insulting that a guy thinks he can explain to women what their experiences are really like. Do you honestly believe that you have the inside dope on what life is like for a woman who is autistic and seen as attractive, so much so that you are willing to actually tell women that when they describe what it is like for them that they are wrong? Where do you get such authority to make such a claim?

Quote:
For a dude you need money, or you have to find the rare aspie chick that has not gone after a NT.

Both genders got issues but their no where near the same..


Citation badly needed. If you're going to make such a sweeping claim, you need to back it up with facts, not personal emotional turmoil.

Quote:
The relationship problems (and the things that go along with it) are obviously the hardest problem of aspergers, it's a joke to suggest otherwise.


Of course, once you claim that men have it significantly worse than women when it comes to relationships, you also claim that relationship problems are the hardest problem of Asperger's. I find my relationship problems to be a relative non-issue because I am not particularly interested in relationships. I experience more difficulties due to sensory overload because it is something that affects me daily and causes regular shutdowns, whereas the relationship thing barely comes up.


Your acting like these are claims, most of what I'm saying is clearly proven fact, and the rest is hard to proove directly but pretty much accepted as fact.



MrXxx
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11 Dec 2012, 12:51 pm

Stoek wrote:
Your acting like these are claims, most of what I'm saying is clearly proven fact, and the rest is hard to proove directly but pretty much accepted as fact.


Proven fact? Really?

Then you wouldn't mind providing said proof then, would you?


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neecerie
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11 Dec 2012, 12:56 pm

as my grandmother used to say...


'They said'


At that point you knew she had no idea where she heard it, but you weren't to question it.


:lol:



Tuttle
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11 Dec 2012, 1:00 pm

Stoek wrote:
The relationship problems (and the things that go along with it) are obviously the hardest problem of aspergers, it's a joke to suggest otherwise.


<sarcasm>Because having a relationship clearly means it doesn't matter if I can eat or not, if I can leave my home or not, if I can pay my bills or not, or other things like that. I can just waste away, feeling trapped inside a room, melting down, not actually doing my self care, not actually eating, but it doesn't matter because I have a relationship, and that's the hardest problem of all! </sarcasm>

No, not at all. If you were so insistent on it being a joke to suggest otherwise, then I went ahead and replied sarcastically.

(For those who have trouble with sarcasm:
No, a relationship is not the hardest problem of Asperger's. What is "hardest" for people is dependent on the person.
Relationships are not a more important, more meaningful challenge, or a harder challenge than self care, than finding jobs (which most people with Asperger's don't get), or than simply going around in public normally. All of these are things that people with Asperger's have challenges with
Personally, I have problems with simply keeping myself fed (sensory issues + executive functioning issues), have no income, have no job, have been deemed unemployable by vocational rehab because of my disability (yet don't have disability payments), can't reasonably leave my home and go out to everywhere in public (and not because of anxiety), have meltdowns, have shutdowns, go nonverbal for periods of time...

All of those are harder challenges than a relationship. Far harder. I find "Being able to keep fed, keep myself from malnutritian" a rather central one.

)



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11 Dec 2012, 1:11 pm

I'm fed up of some Aspie guys who keep saying that us females have it so much easier.
Message to these guys - you have NO IDEA what it is like to be us. To dismiss the struggles we have is insulting and upsetting.


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Stoek
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11 Dec 2012, 1:18 pm

Tuttle wrote:
Stoek wrote:
The relationship problems (and the things that go along with it) are obviously the hardest problem of aspergers, it's a joke to suggest otherwise.


<sarcasm>Because having a relationship clearly means it doesn't matter if I can eat or not, if I can leave my home or not, if I can pay my bills or not, or other things like that. I can just waste away, feeling trapped inside a room, melting down, not actually doing my self care, not actually eating, but it doesn't matter because I have a relationship, and that's the hardest problem of all! </sarcasm>

No, not at all. If you were so insistent on it being a joke to suggest otherwise, then I went ahead and replied sarcastically.

(For those who have trouble with sarcasm:
No, a relationship is not the hardest problem of Asperger's. What is "hardest" for people is dependent on the person.
Relationships are not a more important, more meaningful challenge, or a harder challenge than self care, than finding jobs (which most people with Asperger's don't get), or than simply going around in public normally. All of these are things that people with Asperger's have challenges with
Personally, I have problems with simply keeping myself fed (sensory issues + executive functioning issues), have no income, have no job, have been deemed unemployable by vocational rehab because of my disability (yet don't have disability payments), can't reasonably leave my home and go out to everywhere in public (and not because of anxiety), have meltdowns, have shutdowns, go nonverbal for periods of time...

All of those are harder challenges than a relationship. Far harder. I find "Being able to keep fed, keep myself from malnutritian" a rather central one.

)
Everyone with aspergers has different problems, some that are unique to themselves, some that are more common.

The relationship issue, is by far the most common and difficult to deal with.



Stoek
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11 Dec 2012, 1:21 pm

MrXxx wrote:
Stoek wrote:
Your acting like these are claims, most of what I'm saying is clearly proven fact, and the rest is hard to proove directly but pretty much accepted as fact.


Proven fact? Really?

Then you wouldn't mind providing said proof then, would you?
Pretty much every piece of dating and testing ever supports what I say.

Woman prefer men with money.

Men prefer looks over income.

It's exceptionally hard to proove, but it is their non the less.