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Dakow
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22 Jul 2010, 11:28 pm

I have been reading a lot of stuff about autism/AS. In everything I have read (books, blogs this site), the people seem to care a lot about their social skills. I am not like this. I have friends (about 2 or 3). I am fine with having friends.

If I were to lose my friends, I wouldn't really care, I would just move on. People aren't all that important to me (With the exception of my family). It seems that everyone else who I have heard would care.

I accept my differences, and actually don't want to be 'normal'. To me, normal means jumping on whatever new trends there are and following them. Normal means being overly critical of everyone who isn't 'normal'

Does anyone else think this way? Please, post it.



takemitsu
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22 Jul 2010, 11:49 pm

I might feel this way if my family was tolerable. How would you feel if you didn' t have your family?



NearlyaHuman
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22 Jul 2010, 11:55 pm

If you're fine with it, thats okay.
A lot of "normal" people do not care much for social relationships either.
It sure makes life easier, so it can be a good thing!


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Prksrbrt
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23 Jul 2010, 12:00 am

Holy crap I was talking about this yesterday. I find that it's hard for me to stay attached to people and when they leave or go somewhere for an extended time I don't really miss them. Like my sister joined the Air force and moved to California and to be honest I don't really miss her, and everytime I tell someone she is there they say "You must miss her alot, huh?" and all i can say is not really, they look puzzled laugh and walk away. Also I have always just done what I like to do, I haven't been one for trends.



conundrum
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23 Jul 2010, 12:15 am

Dakow wrote:

If I were to lose my friends, I wouldn't really care, I would just move on.


I might "care," but I could certainly handle it. I would miss certain people (especially my bf), but I wouldn't fall apart.

Dakow wrote:
I accept my differences, and actually don't want to be 'normal'. To me, normal means jumping on whatever new trends there are and following them. Normal means being overly critical of everyone who isn't 'normal'

Does anyone else think this way? Please, post it.


YES! I don't care about "trends" or what's "popular." I care about what's right for me, and only I can know that.


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Last edited by conundrum on 23 Jul 2010, 1:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

DonDud
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23 Jul 2010, 12:18 am

You're younger than a lot of people here, it seems, so your opinions on this may change. I for one have never felt the need to be surrounded by tons of friends, but the rare people that I can relate to are wonderful to have in my life. I used to not be bothered by loneliness, but now that I've lived on my own for four years, with only one local friend, and having never had a girlfriend, the appeal of being completely on one's own isn't what it once was. I'm going through mental preparations to figure out how to manage this, and how I can change my situation. As much as I need time alone, it's interactions with people (the right people) that are the best parts of life... I feel this is as true for me as it is for any normal person, just in different ways. You might not understand until you've been separated from other people for longer than you ever have been, and then when you do have positive social experiences (even if they're rare), you might find that you crave more of that.

I don't need to be socially successful with the average person that could never understand me or what I'm interested in... but I have doubts that complete loneliness could be good for anyone. We may have a difficult time in social situations, and think little of the things that normal people are so concerned with, but that's no reason to completely give up on everyone. Life would be meaningless (not to mention impossible) if you were the only human in existence, so even if you can't easily relate to others, don't doubt the importance of yourself or humanity as a whole.

Don't let yourself get jaded. You're only 14. While it's still difficult for me to fully understand everything about friendship as well (it seems to be different for me from how I perceive it in other people), a good friend or two can be a great part of your life.



KaiG
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23 Jul 2010, 2:28 am

Two or three good friends would be enough for me. I have one or two right now, so it's not bad. The thing is, the most people you know and are on good terms with, the more variety you're exposed to, which can be a good thing if you require the company or help of something with specific insight or a specific type of personality in the future.

I'm more concerned with the romance side of things. I want to give it a try, but I guess I need to work out where I'm going and what I'm doing in life first.


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Booyakasha
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23 Jul 2010, 3:29 am

I don't care about social success either - in fact I wish for 99% of the people to simply forget I ever existed, parents/family included. It's getting harder and harder as I age to maintain (any) relationship and quite frankly I don't give a damn.

I'd rather spend days reading on things of my interest than socialise - it seems like nothing but a waste of time. :shrug: They don't get me, never will and I'm tired of listening to gossip stories to which I can't relate at all. I lack the capability to feel attached to anyone - the emotional chip was omitted when they assembled me.



Blindspot149
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23 Jul 2010, 4:33 am

takemitsu wrote:
I might feel this way if my family was tolerable. How would you feel if you didn' t have your family?


I am with Dakow on this. People aren't that important to me.

BUT, I have a family (I mean my wife and children NOT the other stuff) and I think people might be a little more important to me if I didn't have my family.


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23 Jul 2010, 5:07 am

social success is not high on my pirority list.



salem
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23 Jul 2010, 6:26 am

i have trouble making friends as when meeting new people i am staring at my feet as i shake their hands.
And then i sit in the corner all quietly as my partner does all the talking. I just have no idea what im supposed to say!
I have about 3 friends of mine.
One ,who was inlove with me up until last year, but we managed to be great friends. One who used to be a manager of mine who has the worst hyperactivity i will ever come acrss. And my last friend is a fellow horse owner who is gayer then peter pan in a pair of ice skates.
I am a 23 year old female, my 3 friends are male.



Moog
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23 Jul 2010, 6:39 am

I like to be at least slightly socially skilled. It makes my life a lot smoother. I tend to get what I need more easily. I have no desire to be socially successful for any other reason than sheer efficiency of living.


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b9
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23 Jul 2010, 7:51 am

i have no desire for "friends". i do not understand why people need to prattle on with each other.
i do not have whatever is the mindset that causes people to want to go and sit down in front of other people and do nothing except talk about random things of no importance.

wolves howl at the moon all together in some instinctive primal urge. i am not drawn to join in with them in the same way i am not drawn to join in with people who are all standing around talking.

i have no "team spirit" according to my bosses, and they are right, because i can do things better on my own. other people just clog my progress. too many cooks spoil the broth.

i have a "girlfriend" and 2 friends.

my girlfriend is stuck on me partly because she is autistic and no one else gives her the time of day. i do love her, but that is not the same as wanting to socialize.
when she comes over to sleep for one night per week, she expects me to be social with her. she is less deeply affected in many ways than me, but she is mentally handicapped to a mild degree, so it seems to make us even.

when she gets here, she is usually very happy to be here. the first thing we do is have dinner, and i eat whatever i want and i do not stop her from eating whatever she wants.
when she is at her home, her mother disciplines her and does not let her eat fattening foods because she is very overweight. her mother will not let her eat things like pancakes in maple syrup or macaroni cheese etc. her mother makes her eat things like cucumber sandwiches made with brown bread and no butter (yuk).

she has a ravenous appetite and she also has particular dishes in mind that she wants to eat.
i always will either buy or make whatever it is that she wants to eat (it is once per week and i feel a bit sorry for her).
after we have eaten, then things go stale for her.
i try to show her everything i have found during the week that was interesting to me. i do not engage in spontaneous conversation much, but i try to entertain her and make her time here as much fun as i can.

i can not really understand how something that is extremely interesting to me is not interesting to others, and so i embark upon a series of exhibitions that i hope she will be interested in. i show her youtube videos (she has no computer) of interesting things, or pictures of things that are intriguing. i also play music on my synthesizer that i composed during the week, and i show the fractal animations i calculated.
after about 1/2 hour, she is yawning severely and wants to lie down. my music is kind of mechanical and although i play it well, it is not evocative of emotion like popular music. she has different tastes to me. my animations are just unfolding patterns to her and they do not mean anything in real life that she identifies with.


my bed is a king size bed that is extremely comfortable, and she always claims that it is heaven to lie in.
my bed is in the main living room as is most of my entertainment, and the bedrooms are just storage space really (i like to not have to go to different rooms, and i like my bed to be near everything i like, and the living room is large so it fits unobtrusively here). before long she is lying down and asking me to come to bed, but i do not go to bed before 1am, so i can not do it.

i ask her what she wants to listen to on the sound system and she will tell me things like madonna or kylie minogue and i play the songs she wants to hear, but she is not really interested because i can not let her songs play fully through because i get impatient and want to move on to the next one and get them out of the way as fast as possible.
after about 20 more minutes, i see she is asleep and i return to doing what i want, and when i finally am ready to go to bed, i climb in, and she partially awakens and puts her arms around me and snuggles her head into my chest, and because i am tired when i lie down, i go to sleep immediately.
she says her favorite part of coming here is sleeping while hugging me. that is cute and i like it because i am asleep and do not notice the pressure like i would if i lied down when i was not tired.

although this scenario would certainly not be adequate for 99.9% of girls, she will not let it go and i have been with her for more than 10 years.

so that is a description of my lack of social ability, and also a description of why it does not matter to her.


my other 2 friends are male and i tolerate them consulting me on the phone for a short while each week.

1 of them comes around about once every 4 weeks for a few hours and is actually interested in things i am interested in (like the types of videos i post in the "post a video" thread and the types of music i play to my fractal animations).

i also talk about the observations i have made and he asks me questions which i answer.

but after a few hours i have nothing left to show or say, and then i become tired of talking to him and i ask him to go. he understands i am different and does not feel insulted because he knows i am disabled in that way.

the other friend is a bit of a freak who thinks i am extremely intelligent in a very obscure way and he picks my brains about things that he agonizes over like girlfriends. i am quite uncharitable to him and i say "sorry but i am the last person you should consult about these types of things", and he says "i just need your perspective! i know you are autistic, but your perspective will probably shine a new light on things that i never thought of".
so i will talk for about 20 minutes on the phone to him, but i eventually tell him i am finished with the call and i hang up on him.

no one else i ever meet sees any reason to stick around after a few weeks, and that is good luck for me because i am too busy doing my own things to entertain them or interact.



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23 Jul 2010, 7:54 am

I used to be the same way. Even now, I don't even care to really make new friends. I have my few friends, on and off line, and that is all I need.



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23 Jul 2010, 7:59 am

I love my 2 close friends, and my family. Other than that, I'd rather be The Lone Kink, than fit in, be normal and have social success. Why waste my time, with a group of 10-30 people, pretending to like the current media and fashions, when I can enjoy my oldies, and my vintage clothes?


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23 Jul 2010, 8:00 am

I'm fine with my 3 friends and parents. I do not want a large amount of shallow people in my life.

The only reason i differ from some of the posters here in actually appreciating my friends is that i have HAD lots of friends before, so called "friends" that only called when their computer were broken. That kind of "friend" i can be without, but friends who do not require you to do anything but to be yourself - those are worth the effort because they give something back, and not just take from you.

Quality > quantity.


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