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hartzofspace
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27 Jul 2010, 3:27 pm

I had made an NT friend from one of the meet-ups I used to attend. We hung out on and off for over a year. She was rather loud, but we had lots in common; similar family backgrounds, etc. But, little by little, I started to find her annoying. She was always complimenting me, telling me that I was very pretty, etc. I told her that it made me uncomfortable, but she kept doing it anyway. She had a teen-aged daughter, that she was always comparing me to. I had to tell her that I didn't appreciate being compared to a teen, when I was an adult with an adult daughter of my own. When I met my current SO, she got weird. She seemed jealous of all the time I spent with him. She kept calling and trying to arrange time to hang out. I was always too busy, but for awhile, I struggled with trying to squeeze her in, because I had really enjoyed hanging out with her. But when I would set a time, she would stand me up. She did this a few times. Then she started saying that she was envious because I had a boyfriend and she didn't. When my boyfriend and I went to see a movie, she wanted me to go again, with her. I refused. When I shared something about my SO, she scoffed at it. I stopped calling her or making any effort to see her. I felt uncomfortable with her behavior. Several people asked me if she was gay. As far as I knew, she always had expressed interest in guys. But now I am wondering if I totally missed that! 8O What do you guys think?


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Willard
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27 Jul 2010, 3:32 pm

She just sounds lonely and needy to me. I think if she had had any sexual interest in you, she'd have found a way to let you know some time ago.



Janissy
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27 Jul 2010, 3:49 pm

Maybe just lonely and needy like Willard said. Or maybe so deeply in the closet that she thinks she is hetero and does not realize that she has a crush on you and is jealous of a man you are with because she wants to be with you. Or maybe she's just lonely and needy. Hard to tell. It would probably even be hard to tell if I were there in real life with the both of you. Denial can be so strong and also loneliness can be so strong that it can be hard to sort out who's romantically pining and who's hetero but lonely for a friend.



hartzofspace
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27 Jul 2010, 4:29 pm

Janissy wrote:
Maybe just lonely and needy like Willard said. Or maybe so deeply in the closet that she thinks she is hetero and does not realize that she has a crush on you and is jealous of a man you are with because she wants to be with you. Or maybe she's just lonely and needy. Hard to tell. It would probably even be hard to tell if I were there in real life with the both of you. Denial can be so strong and also loneliness can be so strong that it can be hard to sort out who's romantically pining and who's hetero but lonely for a friend.

I agree with Willard, but I agree more with you, Janissy, about her being so deeply in the closet! As an Aspie, most of the time you have to hit me over the head with a "clue- by- 4" for me to figure social things out. When I explained a lot of this woman's behaviors to my counselor, she very bluntly asked if this woman was gay! When I discussed her behaviors with another NT friend, she wondered the same thing.
For instance, when we went out for lunch one day, shortly after I'd started seeing my boyfriend, she wanted us to eat at the same restaurant that I'd gone to with him. When I told her that he'd taken me to the museum, she sounded petulant when she said that she had wanted to take me there. Same with going to another place, can't remember now. At that time, I had said that she and I could still certainly visit the museum together. Now I wonder why she would respond like that. Before I met my boyfriend, she also had made remarks us moving to another town together, not sharing living quarters though.

After not hearing from her for about a month, I was at the supermarket with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I ran into her there. I greeted her cordially, and the look on her face baffled me. I knew that she was not happy, but couldn't figure out much else. My boyfriend said that she looked hostile. She had her daughter with her, and she did not look friendly either. I wondered what this woman had been saying about me. After all, I did nothing wrong.


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zeldapsychology
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27 Jul 2010, 4:47 pm

Interesting post. At times I think I might be "needy" I with past friends always called them wanted to hang out etc. then feel bad when I get the "I'm busy" remark (I just canceled a movie outing since I'm sick of seeing my friend/other friends on FB hanging out) so why not with ME! If I had a boyfriend or friends I feel as your friend probably wouldn't be needy calling all the time etc. but since that isn't the case I want SOMEONE to talk to! :-) I understand where she is coming from to an extent. :-)



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27 Jul 2010, 5:14 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
[
After not hearing from her for about a month, I was at the supermarket with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I ran into her there. I greeted her cordially, and the look on her face baffled me. I knew that she was not happy, but couldn't figure out much else. My boyfriend said that she looked hostile. She had her daughter with her, and she did not look friendly either. I wondered what this woman had been saying about me. After all, I did nothing wrong.


Now I'm leaning more heavily towards gay and very deeply in the closet- not realizing that this was a romantic crush on you. She's acting like those guys in the Love and Dating Forum of WP who get furious when a woman rejects them. You did nothing wrong. But you chose a man instead of her. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".



hartzofspace
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27 Jul 2010, 5:15 pm

zeldapsychology wrote:
Interesting post. At times I think I might be "needy" I with past friends always called them wanted to hang out etc. then feel bad when I get the "I'm busy" remark (I just canceled a movie outing since I'm sick of seeing my friend/other friends on FB hanging out) so why not with ME! If I had a boyfriend or friends I feel as your friend probably wouldn't be needy calling all the time etc. but since that isn't the case I want SOMEONE to talk to! :-) I understand where she is coming from to an extent. :-)

I understand where she is coming from. What I don't understand, is how she could be clueless about the saying, "Two is company, three is a crowd." I was just about as needy as her, once upon a time. Just before I met my boyfriend, I had been experiencing a really good head space. I realized that I didn't need anyone to make my life meaningful, and that I was pretty much OK by myself. That is when I met him. Unfortunately, my ex-friend is still very needy and insecure. Her constant negative comments about herself were starting to bring me down. I felt like I was always having to shore up her faltering esteem, and felt awkward bringing up my boyfriend's name all the time. She kept saying that she was envious of us. I feel uncomfortable with envy. And while she might not be gay, her behavior is very much like that of a jilted lover, which makes me wonder.


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hartzofspace
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27 Jul 2010, 5:53 pm

Janissy wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
[
After not hearing from her for about a month, I was at the supermarket with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I ran into her there. I greeted her cordially, and the look on her face baffled me. I knew that she was not happy, but couldn't figure out much else. My boyfriend said that she looked hostile. She had her daughter with her, and she did not look friendly either. I wondered what this woman had been saying about me. After all, I did nothing wrong.


Now I'm leaning more heavily towards gay and very deeply in the closet- not realizing that this was a romantic crush on you. She's acting like those guys in the Love and Dating Forum of WP who get furious when a woman rejects them. You did nothing wrong. But you chose a man instead of her. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".


Agreed again! My boyfriend said that she looked like she could be mean. I am now rather apprehensive. Wondering if she will get vindictive or something. :?

Also, she made a weird remark. I had greeted her, and she barely responded. Then she muttered something about her daughter looking for a certain type of hot dogs. Since we were all standing next to a display of cold cuts and hot dogs, I said that this was what I had come to buy, too. She then said, "I thought you said that you never ate hot dogs?" I never said that to her. Could this be some kind of an innuendo?


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hartzofspace
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27 Jul 2010, 9:08 pm

Any more thoughts?


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Surya
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28 Jul 2010, 1:21 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
1 - I had made an NT friend from one of the meet-ups I used to attend.
2 - She had a teen-aged daughter, that she was always comparing me to.
3 - When I met my current SO, she got weird. She seemed jealous of all the time I spent with him.


Most of my flatmates have been either gay males or females. Because of this and other things, I have also met other genders/sexually orientated people.
Taking number 2 into consideration - comparing you to her daughter and at the same time sexually interested in you - The different orientated people I know, would consider her a deviant, because that would not be normal. Do you understand what I am saying? 8O
I asked others quickly that are here and they say - it is very much bordering/wavering on/ or may even be fully disgusting and very wrong! if this is the case. Was she your age? or older?

number 3. I have had few female 'friends', but it was usually the straight ones that got weird if by some odd chance I ended up with a male.
The gay/alternative ones, usually were the ones that set me up. Or other guy friends.

That leaves, number 1 - and that makes the most sense to me, because the 'normal' ones hardly ever do anything that makes sense to me.
They give mixed signals, change the rules when it pleases them and seem to have way to many inside 'jokes'.
So I would just chalk it up as another weird thing they do and leave it at that.