More of a compatibility/lifestyle issue than an AS/NT issue?

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foreveryoung
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05 Aug 2010, 6:28 pm

Part of the reason I've unofficially given up on finding a long-term girlfriend is because I don't feel I'm compatible with 90 percent of women, regardless of their physical attractiveness.

I don't drink, hate bars and clubs (and have been to several of both), am close with my family and extended family but don't care to interact with anyone else on a consistent basis, and I'm not a social person in general other than visiting extended family, occasionally clothes shopping, going out to eat (with a family member or close friend) and travelling when I have the money.

I wouldn't be able to date a woman with a bunch of friends (that are probably going to judge me and try to give their opinions to her) or a busy social life that includes drinking and partying and so on.

Keep in mind, I'm not looking to date "really hot" girls either, and the fact is, even if I didn't care about looks whatsoever, the not-so-attractive women are into that stuff too. In fact, I'd argue that the bars and clubs I've been to, it isn't like commercials or movies where it's all attractive people...it's quite the opposite.

I get the impression that a lot of the guys on the site are kind of like myself, give or take a few things. So is it really "Oh we're aspie and women don't like us" or is it more of a issue where we wouldn't work out even if there wasn't the AS/NT barrier?



Janissy
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05 Aug 2010, 6:39 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

I wouldn't be able to date a woman with a bunch of friends (that are probably going to judge me and try to give their opinions to her) or a busy social life that includes drinking and partying and so on.


It is clear you are incompatible with an extroverted woman. But not all women are extroverts. Extroverts are more common than introverts, but NT introverts are more common than Aspies. But if you only go to the places that extroverts hang out at, you won't ever meet an introvert.



foreveryoung
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05 Aug 2010, 6:43 pm

Not sure where introverts hang out? I mean isn't it kind of an oxymoron?



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05 Aug 2010, 6:48 pm

foreveryoung wrote:
Not sure where introverts hang out? I mean isn't it kind of an oxymoron?


Introverts hang out in places where there are other people but not a party atmosphere. Example: bookstores that also have coffee shops built into them. Coffee shops.

To hang out with extroverts, you go where the alcohol flows.

To hang out with introverts, you go where the coffee flows.

You could always drink decaf or tea if coffee isn't your thing.



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05 Aug 2010, 6:52 pm

foreveryoung wrote:
I've unofficially given up on finding a long-term girlfriend


You never find a long-term anything by looking for it.

You have to hook up several times before you accidentally bump into someone worth hanging on to. Unless you're 14 and any girl who talks to you is your 'girlfriend' for that week.

If you don't like bars and clubs (and I completely identify with that, I wouldn't be caught dead in one), you're going to have to figure out where you are comfortable going where others you might be compatible with spend their spare time. Or get a job and meet people through that.



foreveryoung
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05 Aug 2010, 7:19 pm

I agree, Willard, you don't look for a girlfriend. What I mean is that I've given up on the idea of even fantasizing about a girlfriend.

I plan to find a way to lose the V-card to someone I have some attraction to and who isn't crazy and then (assuming it's just a fling and doesn't turn into a relationship) just concentrate on my life and not worry about love or relationships.



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05 Aug 2010, 10:40 pm

I'm with you all the way on this! I would be so miserable in a "normal" relationship with an NT and it's too bad it took me most of my life to discover this. I am absolutely dedicated to my theater and photography work. When I am working on a show, I just don't have time for people, even those I care deeply for. This just won't fly with most of the female population. I like spending time with people but I also need a considerable amount of time to myself or I start going nuts.

I've been to clubs several times but I hate the atmosphere there. If I do go to a club, it is the local gay bar/club with my theater friends. Pretty much everyone in theater is at least a little weird so they are more accepting of my weirdness than the average joe. There are a surprising number of single straight females at gay bars though I have never really tried to pick up a date. I'm just more of conversation person than a dancer. A lot of my best friends are GLBT. They are so much more open to people who are different.

I do drink but only in moderation and only the good stuff. There's nothing like a good single malt or microbrew. I tend to be a little more social when I've been drinking but I keep to my limits and avoid embarrassing drunkenness. I do go to the occasional party. I have no idea why people keep inviting me, I fit in at a college party about as well as Tom Wolfe in his white suits but I usually can find a few interesting people to talk to and failing that, watching drunk people do stupid stuff is a personal hobby...

I've actually met the most interesting women in my work as a photographer. I got into photographer to do nature and theater shots not meet women but it's funny about how life works. I don't really hit on my models but I do get chances to develop friendships with them and from there, bigger and better things. Groups terrify me but I like talking to someone one on one. Photography gives me that chance.

Anyway, Willard is right about not looking for a girl friend. The last girl I had an unrequited thing for turned out to be bat-s*** crazy and is now married to her boss at Pizza Hut and 7 months pregnant with his kid. Bullet = dodged! After that I embraced my singleness. A few months after that, a fellow theater major and someone who models for me suggested that we become friends with benefits. She knew that I was a virgin and had a thing for her. She was gentle and wonderful. We are still close good friends and have have sex from time to time. We are not in a relationship and I'm not the only guy she sleeps with but so long as she is safe and happy, it doesn't bother me in the least.

About a year before that, a very drunk girl pulled a very drunk me into the bathroom of the dumpy apartment we were in on New Years Eve and tried to have sex with me. I am eternally glad that I had enough soberness in me to turn her down before I did anything stupid and that is one reason that I never drink excessively any more. Sex with someone who cares about you is worth the wait even if love is not involved.


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05 Aug 2010, 10:56 pm

I plan to pursue those of my hobbies that involve some degree of social interaction, and then hopefully someone I like will come along naturally.


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NeoPlatonist
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05 Aug 2010, 11:11 pm

KaiG wrote:
I plan to pursue those of my hobbies that involve some degree of social interaction, and then hopefully someone I like will come along naturally.


Oh yes, it is sooo much easier to strike up a conversation with someone who shares a hobby with you than some stranger in a bar or club. You have a built in conversation starter and I've found that starting a conversation is always the hardest part of interacting with people.


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foreveryoung
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05 Aug 2010, 11:35 pm

My only criteria for the V-card is that I find her physically attractive (I'm not looking for a model), she isn't crazy, and that she's interested in/attracted to me enough to want to sleep with me.

This is also a long-term investment as well as a short-term investment. What I mean by that is, I want the "What's sex like" and all the virgin stuff out of the way for when I do meet a woman I actually want to get to know.



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06 Aug 2010, 1:41 am

foreveryoung wrote:
I get the impression that a lot of the guys on the site are kind of like myself, give or take a few things. So is it really "Oh we're aspie and women don't like us" or is it more of a issue where we wouldn't work out even if there wasn't the AS/NT barrier?


Maybe we should give up on women & become gay. It would probably be better than spending the rest of our lives chasing an unattainable dream; a woman who wer compatible with & willing to give us a chance. Most of us will NOT be able to find a good woman for us but there's lots of guys here looking. Logically the other choice is to simply give-up


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techstepgenr8tion
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06 Aug 2010, 8:44 pm

Yeah, I can relate to a point. The funny thing for me though - I'm good with bars and clubs, I can chat most people up and have a good conversation, overall - especially with a few drinks - conversation with NT's isn't too taxing and if they're cool its actually quite enjoyable.

What I am stuck with though is a very different kind of core self than most people I've ever met. Its strange to say it but it seems like any kind of different - good bad, neither - can reek havoc on someone's dating life because the pool of people who you can relate to and who can relate to you shrinks drastically. Even if you dress well, are into exciting things, and have good social skills 'on paper' - its still not enough.



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07 Aug 2010, 3:09 am

nick007 wrote:
foreveryoung wrote:
I get the impression that a lot of the guys on the site are kind of like myself, give or take a few things. So is it really "Oh we're aspie and women don't like us" or is it more of a issue where we wouldn't work out even if there wasn't the AS/NT barrier?


Maybe we should give up on women & become gay. It would probably be better than spending the rest of our lives chasing an unattainable dream; a woman who wer compatible with & willing to give us a chance. Most of us will NOT be able to find a good woman for us but there's lots of guys here looking. Logically the other choice is to simply give-up


Sexual orientation is not a matter of choice....



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07 Aug 2010, 3:13 am

"More of a compatibility/lifestyle issue than an AS/NT issue?"

Since I believe that AS is an overrated psychiatric myth based on a true disorder such as autism then my answer would be : "Of course, it is ONLY a matter of personality/social status/compatibility/lifestyle issue."

Just take a look at the non-virgins thread, read the stories there , don't they tell you something?