Hey all. Over the last year I've had several opportunities at romantic relationships but actually gone out of my way to avoid them. I have a late diagnosis (2 years ago) and have had trouble seeing myself fit ever since. Anyway let me elaborate:
Before I was diagnosed I just thought I was going to wait and relationship based things would just fall into place later in life. My parents have a strong relationship and are actually good role-models, but people who meet me seem to assume that I must have come from a bad home environment or something because I'm cold inter-personally. I looked/look up to them and so I thought that was the way my life would (ideally) turn out, you know, find a stable job, fall in love, have kids, all that crap. Now that I am diagnosed I a)am aware that the numbers are against me, and b) not even sure if that life is what I should want. One of my major reasons for getting nailed with a diagnosis was just that; I wasn't really sure what joy/happiness was after some intense questioning. I just assumed some archetypal things about it without ever having a deep understanding, and so could not actively work with those terms and see them personally.
This leads me to my current conundrum. Pragmatically (and on the advice of my psych), I am motivated to seek more romantic relationship experience. However, my background and moral upbringing suggests to me that I might be taking advantage of people. It has occurred to me I have little attachment to even my parents,and I question if they were removed from my life, but their resources for me were not, if I would really be emotionally affected. It bothers me greatly that I might not because then I see myself as kind of a parasite. They give me love and life and their hard work and I am not sure that I can ever give them back what they deserve. I know that this "fair trade" view of love is probably decidedly naive but it is the only system that makes sense to me so far.
Obviously, this problem applies equally to romantic relationships and that is where I am currently having issues. In my push to be social I have actually become quite good at "soft" conversations (ie tea and talk, etc), and (apparently) have had at least a few females that held interest me. Whenever it starts to become deathly obvious (as in peers already assume I am in a relationship but I am still thinking we are friends, yes, that bad) I try my best to get rid of them. In life I had academic and athletic success to some degree because I am willing to kill myself over my some topic or technique and perfect it, but relationships I am afraid of. If they are a two way street, I stand just as much chance as hurting them as well in the process, and to me that is unfair to a partner who probably assumes a fair chance at happiness. Moreover, I know I am capable of saying really, really hurtful things to people without flinching, and it seems unfair to me if I can strike out in anger or frustration but they can't hurt back.
The craziest part is, I actually have found some who I look forward to talking to, which is a big step for me. I think this is probably something that is just a friendship thing,and I appreciate it in it's own right. Yet, it has always seemed that when I am starting to become comfortable talking about more meaningful things with a girl, they automatically assume I want a relationship because I'm willing to put up talking with and supporting them (even though, again, the content of the conversations is what I value because I want to educate myself and learn how to relate to people) and start trying to play pre-dating/relationship type mind games with me (which I promptly ignore even if I do catch on).
Does anyone have any similar experiences? Comments and/or insight? I'm interested to see what people think of my view of relationships, or if anyone has a similar problem how they deal/dealt with it.
Regards,
Eldanesh
22 Aug 2010, 8:26 pm
