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OddFiction
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23 Aug 2010, 7:59 pm

My parents divorced when I was quite young - and it was very messy. Following that time, my father often commented negatively about my mother, and it drove a wedge between us which has never fully healed.

Explain to each of them that they have your friendship - but that it is becoming important for them to stop the act of putting down the other player. If you have the patience to try this and give them an oportunity to focus on the TRUE reasoning behind the friendship you have with them and it works, good. If they continue to ignore the friendship and focus on demolishing another human being, point that out, end the 'date' as soon as possible. And then print out a copy of this discussion and mail it to them.



anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 8:55 pm

Countess wrote:
anxiety25 wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
Those are my sentiments, exactly. Why can't people just say what they mean, and mean what they say. I'm also sick of the fake, played up emotions.



...and YES! That is my main problem with the one. She smiles and acts like she's having a good time and all, just goes with the flow, is very friendly... then talks about ya behind your back. I don't get it.


It's insecurity.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the concept of a circle of friends. If someone was friends with someone I liked I became very jealous thinking that they would take my friend away and not realizing we could "share". I didn't make anything up, but I never missed an opportunity to point out I was a better and more loyal friend. I'm ashamed to admit I did this, but I hope my mistakes can offer some perspective.

I am not saying that everyone does what they do for the exact reason I did, but the base is probably the same. People who are secure in themselves have no need to put others down or pretend something is different than it is. Or even that they feel differently than they do.

You would be surprised at the number of insecure people out there. They are like vampires and suck the life out of you.


Thank you much-my boyfriend kind of said it's the same type of thing when I was talking with him. It makes sense to me, because her daughter is quite "you can be my friend and ONLY my friend" as well, and I'm assuming she gets it from her... now that you've explained, I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, considering you likely weren't fully *aware* of doing it, if that makes sense. I think everyone goes through it as a kid, especially, because then it's just figuring it out and trying to figure out who is a friend and who isn't-especially for some of us as we have so much trouble making friends to start with.

I like my daughter's method of making friends. "Mom, I now have 3 friends." "oh really, Libby, how did you come up with that number?" "Well, 3 people came up to me and asked if I wanted to be their friend and I said yeah, sure." lol. It just seems soooo easy!


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anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 8:57 pm

MrXxx wrote:
Chuckle chuckle.

This is precisely why I use caller ID and call block, and filter my emails to the max. Not that I do this to friends all the time, but I do quite often just let it go to the machine, and the extraneous crap on TOP of friends is just too much. Gossip drives me batty. I don't care about it. Don't want to hear it, don't want to offer opinions about it. These days, I sit and listen, nod, and shrug, and say, "Everyone's entitled to their opinion." I refuse to get caught up in it anymore. It's childish and wastes so much time, and doesn't accomplish a damned thing. Not too many people come visit me anymore. Sad to say it's fine with me. If you've got something worthwhile to talk about with me, fine. I like conversation. Intelligent conversation. Gossip is NOT intelligent conversation. I've really enjoyed my peace for the last few years. What little my kids allow me to have that is. I absolutely HATE it when people drop by without calling first.


I know... and I find it happens so much more with females than males. I just told her today that until all this crap chills out, I'm backing off and am not gonna answer the phone for a while-I need some time to make sure they are over it before talking with anyone anymore, lol. I just can't do it.

Gotta say... it's been a nice night. No calls from them, no messages, etc. It's been... peaceful :)


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anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 8:59 pm

OddFiction wrote:
My parents divorced when I was quite young - and it was very messy. Following that time, my father often commented negatively about my mother, and it drove a wedge between us which has never fully healed.

Explain to each of them that they have your friendship - but that it is becoming important for them to stop the act of putting down the other player. If you have the patience to try this and give them an oportunity to focus on the TRUE reasoning behind the friendship you have with them and it works, good. If they continue to ignore the friendship and focus on demolishing another human being, point that out, end the 'date' as soon as possible. And then print out a copy of this discussion and mail it to them.


That is why I pointed it out to the one today. The other thought I "might" be uncomfortable and changed the subject instantly, and just started talking about the kids and the bus driver always changing, places we have liked working in the past, places we haven't, etc.... you know, normal stuff.

The other called and decided to read me every single facebook post back and forth between them from 3 days ago, then told me to watch out for the other because she would destroy my life basically. So.... I finally just called her and told her that didn't sit well with me, and I'm taking some time to back off from that because it bugged me so much, and I just need to regroup and make sure it's over before I talk with her again.


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anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 9:02 pm

BTW, I really appreciate all the feedback on this... I kept analyzing it, and excusing this and that, etc., and finally today that just sat so wrong with me... you guys really helped me to go forth with my decision and I was able to carry it out :) 8)


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Mdyar
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23 Aug 2010, 9:24 pm

I've been called anti-social more than a few times , but the pandemonium and cacophony that comes with this sing song surface chat will drive me into lowered energy states quickly ,as I find I'm myself searching for correct things to say out of politeness.

It's a synthetic construction that requires a lot of energy, and at times people have read this in me, and remarked ," he's just trying to be nice".



OddFiction
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23 Aug 2010, 9:40 pm

Actually I have it simplified :P
I have one friend who is a serious extrovert and thus has plenty of folk other to keep him busy. We tend to get together when he wants to do stuff his gaggle of other friends aren't interested in much (board games and working on his house and yard - things I have interest in).

Unfortunately, I've got a poor score on initiating contact with him and he often brings that up to me in conversation... it is a strain on the friendship. Hmmm.. you've reminded me (or I've reminded myself) to call sometime.. tomorrow! (Which means I'll call in two weeks if he hasn't called me first)....

Sounds like you need to psrtner up with the friend who can show respect for your needs, and leave the other one in the dust. People like that are insecure and cannot be fixed.



anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 9:44 pm

OddFiction wrote:
Actually I have it simplified :P
I have one friend who is a serious extrovert and thus has plenty of folk other to keep him busy. We tend to get together when he wants to do stuff his gaggle of other friends aren't interested in much (board games and working on his house and yard - things I have interest in).

Unfortunately, I've got a poor score on initiating contact with him and he often brings that up to me in conversation... it is a strain on the friendship. Hmmm.. you've reminded me (or I've reminded myself) to call sometime.. tomorrow! (Which means I'll call in two weeks if he hasn't called me first)....

Sounds like you need to psrtner up with the friend who can show respect for your needs, and leave the other one in the dust. People like that are insecure and cannot be fixed.


That's what I'm thinking... maybe some time apart for a bit will kind of force her to look at what she is doing a little bit closer because she won't have a ton of reassurance when she starts making the excuses for it.

I think it was just topped off by the fact we had plans to eat dinner together last night and she up and switched plans without saying a single word until 10:30 at night, so I was pretty irked to begin with... it just topped it over when the gossip started up, and the "beware of so and so" junk was just the "nail in the coffin" so to say.


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"I enjoyed the meetings, too. It was like having friends." -Luna Lovegood