Liking people for what they do/say/think

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Clyde
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02 Sep 2010, 12:29 pm

Awiddershinlife wrote:
OddFiction wrote:
tenzinsmom wrote:
I don't tolerate boring people or people that are mysterious.


:cheers:


Clyde wrote:
Shadwell wrote:
I actually find a lot of people to be pretty plain Jane and proud of it. I like people that are passionate and unusual and they can be pretty hard to find.


I am the same as you.


My public self can be very plain Jane and boring. I had wicked selective mutism as a child. It is milder now, but one would need to know me a bit before I opened up. However, if I were dismissed on first glance, one would probably not get the chance to know me. The big exception is in a very anonomus situation, I can be very out-going and funny.
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Most cases as long as you can engage me in a full subject that is organized and can challenge me logically, then I'm good. I tend to get frustrated sometimes when I want to continue on a subject and people want to move on.
I don't like the quickness of conversation. I want to stay on something that I am really adamant about then move on when that subject is finished. I also like conversation to be organized. I wait till Person 1 stops talking then my turn, then Person 2 can speak. I hate interruptions.

I try to be acceptant of people. But I tend to get no satisfaction out of quick conversations. I tend to make friends easily with the people with the most outside weird views. But not so much the others.



Moog
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02 Sep 2010, 1:30 pm

azurecrayon wrote:
what people do, say, and think makes the person that they are. behavior is just the expression of our personalities. of course thats what you are going to like in someone =) what else is there? looks?

there are definitely things inherently likable or dislikable about people, but that depends on you and the other person. some things are more universal, such as the majority of people dislike others who hurt children. other things vary depending on your own beliefs and how acceptable you find those same beliefs in the other person.

i wouldnt say its wrong to only like what people can give you, but it would be wrong to only be there to take what people can give you. true friendships require that you be there when they NEED you, too.

the expression "fair weather friend" applies to those people who are only there for the good times and not the bad, who only hang out when the other person is buying the next round and disappear when its their turn. fair weather friends do not make good friends.


Ah, you get what I was waffling on about. 8)

Thanks to everyone for chipping in though.


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mysassyself
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03 Sep 2010, 3:42 am

Surfman wrote:
I'm pretty open to everyone, but to avoid conflict, will avoid engaging some people.


That's really interesting that you wrote that, Surfman.

I do it a lot, too. In fact, I think I'm a bit paranoid about it, so maybe that's not what you're talking about. I've had to coax myself out of it, because sometimes the threat I perceive is not as much of a threat as I think. Or, maybe there's just a lot of uncertainty in between *sigh*

The funny thing is, when I DO avoid engaging some people to avoid conflict, and my perceptions ARE accurate, other people haven't got a CLUE what I'm talking about (if I choose to share it, which usually I would not have reason to). I find that perplexing!


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Awiddershinlife
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03 Sep 2010, 10:40 am

mysassyself wrote:
Surfman wrote:
I'm pretty open to everyone, but to avoid conflict, will avoid engaging some people.


That's really interesting that you wrote that, Surfman.

I do it a lot, too. In fact, I think I'm a bit paranoid about it, so maybe that's not what you're talking about. I've had to coax myself out of it, because sometimes the threat I perceive is not as much of a threat as I think. Or, maybe there's just a lot of uncertainty in between *sigh*

The funny thing is, when I DO avoid engaging some people to avoid conflict, and my perceptions ARE accurate, other people haven't got a CLUE what I'm talking about (if I choose to share it, which usually I would not have reason to). I find that perplexing!


Outside of professional interactions (where I have a specific, well rehearsed, over learned role), I also take this avoidance tact. Don't most of us aspies?

The "water cooler" chit chat is very difficult, and maintaining friends over time is too. I can handle the verbal part adequately - although my communication is clearer is if it is written so I can edit convoluted sentences - but there seems to be an invisible, inaudible (nonverbal) to communication that I just do not get.

I imagine that being my friend is like trying maintain a relationship with someone who cannot learn your language. It might be interesting in the beginning, but it’s just too much work in the long run.
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primaloath
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03 Sep 2010, 10:52 am

There are inherent traits that would make someone a good friend regardless of their behaviour. Integrity has been pointed out; other traits include compassion and the aspiration for self-improvement.

I regard certain people as my friends despite having relatively little contact with them in light of our different interests, simply because they possess fundamental qualities that I admire.



Moog
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03 Sep 2010, 11:05 am

primaloath wrote:
There are inherent traits that would make someone a good friend regardless of their behaviour. Integrity has been pointed out; other traits include compassion and the aspiration for self-improvement.

I regard certain people as my friends despite having relatively little contact with them in light of our different interests, simply because they possess fundamental qualities that I admire.


Is integrity inherent? Can't one learn to be integrous? Are there no environmental or cultural factors that influence how much integrity one may or may not possess?


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bee33
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03 Sep 2010, 4:31 pm

Shadwell wrote:
I actually find a lot of people to be pretty plain Jane and proud of it. I like people that are passionate and unusual and they can be pretty hard to find.


I find that being passionate and unusual is highly maladaptive. :D No one ever seems to have the same passion, or care about your passions if theirs are different, and being unusual means by definition that other people can't relate to you. I like those qualities myself, but I haven't found that much of anyone is very accepting of them (or accepting of me).
katzefrau wrote:
Moog wrote:
There's nothing inherent about anyone that is so likeable or dislikeable, is there really?


of course there is. integrity.

Yes, for me that is the only criterion that truly matters. But I always get myself into trouble by expecting too much integrity, even with things that are relatively trivial, and other people can't understand why I'm making such a fuss. (And then I go off on them, which doesn't create the impression that I, the ranting crazy person, has any compassion or moral high ground, or integrity...)

Moog wrote:
Is integrity inherent? Can't one learn to be integrous? Are there no environmental or cultural factors that influence how much integrity one may or may not possess?

One could learn integrity but I don't think I've ever seen that kind of transformation.