Gay and an Aspie In Belfast

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Let me introduce myself firstly. My name is Kevin, I'm 29 and gay. It was just 6 months ago after 2 years of waiting that I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Before I'd even heard of ASD I had never felt like I belonged anywhere. Everyone was odd, their behaviour puzzling and no one seemed to be interested in anything that I was. i always knew I was gay, however I went to a rough all boys school and never fit in any group there also. Generally I'm perceived by the gay community as "Straight Acting" or at least not much like your average gay man. Being separate from so many groups that cross over each over has always felt overwhelmingly lonely. Once I was diagnosed as having aspergers syndrome I was happy, my life, my actions, my thoughts all felt right. Slowly but surely though I am realising that this is another side of myself that even further isolates me from the rest of the world. It leaves me with a choice of accepting my independence from everyone and accepting that I may never find a boyfriend. Whats it like for everyone else where you are?

I'm in the same boat. It is very difficult to be both gay and Aspergian, because we have belong to two groups that cause us to feel disconnected from the majority instead of just the one.

Neurotypical gays may find it difficult to relate or be accepted by heterosexuals in a heterosexual world, but they are able to find friends and support in each other and in those who are gay-friendy. However, that is lost to those on the spectrum, so it can be very isolating.

The way that I can cope the best is to focus on my ASD first and to hell with forming romantic bonds. If I identify first as an Aspergian, it is easier to find people who understand. To pursue love first, means that we need to meet, then disclose and only hope for the best or NOT disclose and just lose them when we are unable to connect.

So, in order to have relationships, I've learned to talk about my Asperger's in the inital conversation, even before any spark. If he has that information and does not want to pursue it, then you have not lost anything.

I am heterosexual but people have sometimes said I was gay because I did not show interest in girls when I was younger. - that was because I was unsure of the social rules.

I agree with dyingofpoetry, about how its harder with out being able to have friends. I would not be thinking so much about relationships if I had one or two friends.

Having a ASD diagnosis may explain why it has been harder for you, but in the long term you might still feel very alone. That is what happened to me.

After I was diagnosed, there was a girl that was interested in me and she gave me her phone number and address but I was too busy planning when to contact her and what to say and I left it too long and the next time I saw her she would not speek to me. I did talk about Asperger's Syndrome with her but she did not really understand what the communication difficulties are. So having tried hard and got so close its harder knowing that I made a mistake and something good that could have happend is gone.