Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

Clyde
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 337

03 Sep 2010, 1:44 am

A child sacrifices his
dignity the moment he
starts elementary

For he knows and
all the other kids
know that he is
not normal

They say this with
a point finger and
laugh at him so
he never makes a
friend

A child knows and so
do his parents know
that he isn't a
normal like the rest
spending his days focusing
on a certain object

A child knows and so
do his teachers know
that he isn't like
the rest he spends
his days dancing in
a chair and focusing
on insane abnormal rituals

A child knows and
so do the people
he has never met
know there is something
about that child that
just doesn't connect

And they know this
and show this with
just the power of
their pointer finger

A child will mock another
child with the power
of their pointer finger

And as this child
grows the pointer
finger may not be as
clear as when he was a child

But no matter grown
or still a child
Society knows with just
a pointer finger that
child isn't like the rest

Social disabled
Social cues and social emotions
hidden from him
He shows no expression
that any sane and normal
man would show

No matter if the
colour is direct or in
direct the face of discrimination
is all the same



Clyde
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 337

04 Sep 2010, 11:16 am

I really hate doing this kind of thing. Very sorry. :oops:



MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

04 Sep 2010, 12:29 pm

I agree with the ideas. No offense though, I'm not seeing how this is a poem. If you did nothing more than change the formatting to paragraphs, it wouldn't be much different from a prose piece with a few lines that repeat.

It's more like a speech with just enough cadence to be called a poetic speech, but it's still a speech. It's a good speech, but I find it hard to call it a poem. I can almost hear someone reading it as a speech the way Martin Luther King read his speeches.

It's got enough rhythm in it to make it fairly easy to read that way, but it needs quite a bit more IMHO, imagery, ryhme (possibly, but not necessary), or a lot more plays on words before I would call it a full fledged poem

It reads like a laundry list of Autistic symptoms to be quite honest. That is because each stanza is very literal though, which is something Aspies can have a very hard time breaking away from.

Don't get me wrong. It's not bad writing. It's just not a poem to me. Whatever you do though, and no matter what anyone says, if you love it, keep writing. I wrote all sorts of stuff just like that at first, and got very similar responses. "Laundry list" was probably the most frequent thing I heard. That's how I recognize it. Because I've written a LOT of them. If you want to write poetry, you need to read a lot of it. A lot of different styles too. After a while, you'll begin to get a sense of what makes it distinctly different from other styles of writing.

Poetry is "painting with words." Try not to portray your ideas so literally.


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Clyde
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 337

04 Sep 2010, 1:00 pm

Mr.XXx this is a poetic speech yes. This isn't what I write all the time. I have been published in a few local magazines. This was more something I'd like to share though.
I have other things too. Do not assume just from one poem that I do not know how to write poetry.

Not all poetry needs rhyme or reason. And not all poetry needs punctuation. Actually I hate punctuation in poetry for me its very hard to read and I already have a natural pace when I speak.



MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

04 Sep 2010, 9:02 pm

Clyde wrote:
Mr.XXx this is a poetic speech yes. This isn't what I write all the time. I have been published in a few local magazines. This was more something I'd like to share though.
I have other things too. Do not assume just from one poem that I do not know how to write poetry.

Not all poetry needs rhyme or reason. And not all poetry needs punctuation. Actually I hate punctuation in poetry for me its very hard to read and I already have a natural pace when I speak.


As I said, no offense was intended. Also I wasn't assuming anything. It's just my opinion of how I see it. I'm well aware not all poetry needs rhyme, reason or punctuation. I don't recall mentioning any of the three, so I'm not sure why you are. All I mean is that it seems like prose to me, rearranged without paragraph form or punctuation.

I don't see it as a poem, but I also said you should keep writing. Didn't I?

Sorry if it sounded like an unwelcome lesson in writing. I hadn't intended that, but I guess that's kinda what I did. :oops:

Guilty as charged. I really gotta learn to quit doing that. It sneaks up on me unawares! :?


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Clyde
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 337

05 Sep 2010, 1:15 am

MrXxx wrote:
Clyde wrote:
Mr.XXx this is a poetic speech yes. This isn't what I write all the time. I have been published in a few local magazines. This was more something I'd like to share though.
I have other things too. Do not assume just from one poem that I do not know how to write poetry.

Not all poetry needs rhyme or reason. And not all poetry needs punctuation. Actually I hate punctuation in poetry for me its very hard to read and I already have a natural pace when I speak.


As I said, no offense was intended. Also I wasn't assuming anything. It's just my opinion of how I see it. I'm well aware not all poetry needs rhyme, reason or punctuation. I don't recall mentioning any of the three, so I'm not sure why you are. All I mean is that it seems like prose to me, rearranged without paragraph form or punctuation.

I don't see it as a poem, but I also said you should keep writing. Didn't I?

Sorry if it sounded like an unwelcome lesson in writing. I hadn't intended that, but I guess that's kinda what I did. :oops:

Guilty as charged. I really gotta learn to quit doing that. It sneaks up on me unawares! :?



Its okay. I snapped because this is my goal and my dream to become a writer. And have over the years proven myself willing and ready to be published.
I have in those magazines proven that I am a good enough writer. And I don't like the feeling that I have failed or assuming I have failed. I took your post as a threat.
Sorry...it happens to me now and then.



MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

05 Sep 2010, 2:00 am

Clyde wrote:
Its okay. I snapped because this is my goal and my dream to become a writer. And have over the years proven myself willing and ready to be published.
I have in those magazines proven that I am a good enough writer. And I don't like the feeling that I have failed or assuming I have failed. I took your post as a threat.
Sorry...it happens to me now and then.


NP. A lot of what I said was really "plagiarized" from several different critiques of my own works. In all honesty, I recognized some things I've done myself, and ended up getting the same feedback.

Guess I should have tried to remember how I felt when I read them.

The thing is, it's hard to know when anyone posts things on the web, what they are looking for as feedback. Critique? Stroking? Who knows?

I do know that however I might have felt when I first started getting constructive criticism, in the end most of it eventually helped me write better. When I look back at some of my early work, a lot of it makes me cringe now.

But hell, you've been published. I haven't. So who the hell am I to shoot my mouth off. Right?

I'm working on that though. :wink:

(both things: getting published, and shooting my mouth off! :lol: )


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Clyde
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 337

05 Sep 2010, 2:08 am

MrXxx wrote:
Clyde wrote:
Its okay. I snapped because this is my goal and my dream to become a writer. And have over the years proven myself willing and ready to be published.
I have in those magazines proven that I am a good enough writer. And I don't like the feeling that I have failed or assuming I have failed. I took your post as a threat.
Sorry...it happens to me now and then.


NP. A lot of what I said was really "plagiarized" from several different critiques of my own works. In all honesty, I recognized some things I've done myself, and ended up getting the same feedback.

Guess I should have tried to remember how I felt when I read them.

The thing is, it's hard to know when anyone posts things on the web, what they are looking for as feedback. Critique? Stroking? Who knows?

I do know that however I might have felt when I first started getting constructive criticism, in the end most of it eventually helped me write better. When I look back at some of my early work, a lot of it makes me cringe now.

But hell, you've been published. I haven't. So who the hell am I to shoot my mouth off. Right?

I'm working on that though. :wink:

(both things: getting published, and shooting my mouth off! :lol: )


This was more a piece for people to relate to. Not really a critique. I can post some of my better works.



jojobean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,341
Location: In Georgia sipping a virgin pina' colada while the rest of the world is drunk

25 Sep 2010, 3:08 am

I actually like the poem. It is not totally devoid of imagery and the different manfestations of the "pointer finger" shows that you know how to write. Its kinda like a juggler who can juggle six balls and do flame throwing at the same time to play a game of hacky sak with some kids. You can still see the skill, even if it is not fully expressed.
Some times you write to say something, other times you write for art, and then there are the times that you pull out all that you got and at last there are times that you write something so incredible with such ease, you fear you could never write it again.


_________________
All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
-James Baldwin


jojobean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,341
Location: In Georgia sipping a virgin pina' colada while the rest of the world is drunk

25 Sep 2010, 3:11 am

Do you have a link to your other work??


_________________
All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
-James Baldwin