What do you do when a tantrum turns into a meltdown?

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Hi all -

Here I go again... DS calls me from school. It is picture day and the person changed his hair. He is extremely upset. (I totally understand - UGH, why did they do that????) Anyway, he wants to come home from school and play video games. Um, NO. If you are so upset that you can't be at school, you can come home but no video games. It is the rule.

He tells me that he didn't agree to that rule. I tell him that it is my house rule, unless there is a fever or vomiting, there are no video games when skipping school.

Well, now he's in full fledged meltdown, which I think is real based on a fixed idea of what should be and what makes him feel calm. However, I don't think that giving in is the way to go. He talked to me on the phone for like 30 minutes before he started really escalating. I hung up when he started swearing.

School just called and said he did calm down after I hung up. I worry what tonight will be like, but we will see.

Here's the concern - I get it that the trigger was actually real, but what do we do when he feels like he has to have his way to feel better from whatever the trigger was. It still isn't ok to go home and play video games (special interest). It is extremely disruptive fro me to have to leave work to get him at school. Of course, I will do whatever my child needs, but going home from work so he can play "little big planet" and do WWE (other special interest) wrestling stuff.

Sounds like (but I wasn't there) a tantrum all the way thru, and sounds like you acted right.
If it had really been that bad, he would have melted down in from of the photographer, or he would have called you because they wanted to change his hair (or the pricipal would have called saying he ran off). They'd already done the offense - they'd already touched his hair / invaded personal space rule - the event was over 20 minutes before the call...

Sure he might still be jonzing for relaxation, but meltdown time had passed.

He has to learn that he can't abuse AS to get out of school - and you gave him a choice to stay or to abandon the school day.. he chose to stay at school so he wasn't that distraught about the place. Good move..

Thanks - I have decided that we need to find a way to get a special interest to school, so he can have something to sooth if he gets anxious. I don't know if it will work, but coming home for a video game break is not it.

School is almost over and I have had no more calls! Yippee!

What to do when he gets home?
Ask him how he calmed down.

There have been times it has become clear to me that maybe my kids didn't realize something was a rule, or that it had been so long since the situation had last come about that they have completely forgotten about the rule ... either way, I will sometimes stop, then say, "you really have no memory of this rule? OK, I believe you. We'll make one little exception but then I'm putting it up on the wall in writing so that everyone is absolutely clear on it and will not forget again."

My kids find it very unfair to be held to a rule that they don't know about, and feel they reasonably could not be expected to know about. Causes a meltdown every time. So, unless we're dealing with life and death (which is about never), I clear the slate and start over. Next time they DO remember the rule, because I make a point of making a REALLY BIG DEAL about it SO THAT THERE WON'T BE ANY FUTURE MISUNDERSTANDINGS. lol, I say it like, too

To me, it is part of the world of picking your battles, and saying what you mean, doing what you say, and being REALLY CLEAR about it. What is clear to us is not always clear to them, and mom sometimes has lessons to learn, too.

Yes, more options so he knows how to self-calm at school will be a good thing, too.

Thanks DW_a mom - here's the thing. He said he didn't agree to the rule. He knows it. He doesn't deny that he knows it. This rule has been in effect since my 15 NT son was in kinder. He never said he didn't know the rule, he is just saying he doesn't agree.

I say - it's a house rule, you don't need to agree. We do not ditch school and play video games. AS, mood disorder, whatever - no way! Now, if I say he must stay home which I do from time to time, he is allowed them and that has always been the rule too.

He just had it in his head that he was upset and that coming home to the comfy couch to play little big planet would fix everything. I know that it is hard when you get upset at school. I think that trying to not melt down, caused him to feel really anxious which caused him to call me and my answer caused a tantrum.

I am wit you on picking your battles, I have let an astonishing amount go - I think this one would set a bad precident.

A pair of WWE mini-figurines in his backpack and a quiet room in the nurse's station for 20 minutes.

Just wondering about something - this is your son's obsession. We just finished testing and got results a few weeks ago. I had told the docs my son's obsession is computer programming and animation. They said they cannot consider that because it is not stereotypical obsession - a lot of kids like video games. My thing was that it is not a normal 'kid wants to play video games for hours' it was different. It is 2 programs he plays non-stop for years, never gets bored. When he was younger he would collect the colored plastic things they put on the top of the hangers that say the size at the store.

Did the docs say anything to you about his obsession being an 'obsession' somewhat related to ASD.

Funny you mention this Bjtao - I believe that this is a prime example of why the neuro-psych and the ped neurologist disagree on DS' DX. The neuropsych thinks that this isn't "special enough" the pediatric neurologist thinks she's full of it, and this is a special interest. DS' therapist who we saw for 2 years also thinks that the intensity is indicative of a spectrum disorder.

Not all AS kids have obsessions ... my son does not, really. At least, not one that he would call an obsession. More like, focused interests But, quite a lot of them. A child does not have to meet everything on the diagnositc list to be AS.

For some AS kids, however, computer time is really self-calming. I guess that can be true for anyone, but most kids have a variety of ways they can self-calm; an AS child is more likely to have picked one and always return to it. When computer time is the self-calming mechanism, that is what gets tricky.