How Do I Know My Husband Has Asperger's?

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Been married 12 years. Our 10 yr old was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 4. My husband thinks he may have Aspergers also. Our marriage is a disaster. We have become strangers. I stay with him because I am a stay at home mom who only works part time, I need the money, and I don't want my kids to go through the trauma of a divorce. I think he stays because he doesn't want to be alone and doesn't want to pay for two households. I have been wondering more and more if he does have Asperger's and if this explains the things about him that have hurt our relationship. How can I tell it's Asperger's and not just him being a little OCD/depressed/self-centered/immature? Basically, these are problems I see:
1. He is very pessimistic, worries a lot, takes a generally negative view of life. About the only thing he enjoys is sitting on the couch watching sports/TV or going to baseball games.
2. He doesn't interact with the kids EVER unless it's to tell them to go to bed or give them some other kind of order. My youngest will run up to him and hug him and my husband very awkwardly hugs him back. When he hugs me (used to hug me) I felt like he was weighing me down...like you want your husband to be strong and kind of hold you up but he is just the opposite...pullls me down.
3. He seems to be in competition with the kids for my attention. It has been this way since the kids were babies. Initially you can expect that from a husband as he gets used to his wife having to spend time with a new baby, but even today (10yrs later) he will start talking to me and then the kids will interrupt and he gets this wounded look like a little baby and frowns and walks away. I get so upset by this...be a man and be a father and tell your kid, "in a minute, johnny, -- mommy and I are talking" but don't make me feel like I did something wrong!! It's like I have 3 children instead of 2.
4. He gets angry with the kids and argues/fights with them instead of disciplining them. There have been times I have been afraid of him physically hurting them.
5. If I try to talk to him about any of this, he get VERY defensive and complains that our bad marriage is making him this way and why should he change if things between us won't get better....One time I said, what if I wasn't here and you had to parent them by yourself (because I wanted him to realize that he has to have his own relationship with them) and he flipped out thinking I was threatening divorce!!
6. He has a very sarcastic sense of humor and I think he can tell when people are hurt, mad, etc. so I don't think he has that part of the disorder. Although the other day I noticed his dad seemed sad and he didn't pick up on that. My husband can be really insensitive and say insensitive things and now I'm wondering if he's not just an as*hole but he has an actual disorder.
7. He is very bad with his hands, doing anything mechanical. Even when I told him to put chairs around a table, he couldn't do it right. I said, one chair goes on each side. He put two chairs two sides. He seemed completely confused. But yet he has a good memory and is very smart.
I know I'm not perfect and I know there are things that I can do better in our marriage. But you know how you can look at your spouse and say "well, he doesn't do any housework and that pisses me off, but he's such a good dad..." or that kind of thing so the bad balances out with the good? Well I can't do that. About the only positive I can say is "he is a good provider" but even that is qualified by his neurotic money worries and not wanting to spend any $$$ on things like home improvements until there is a 3 yr old hole in the ceiling that is going to cave in on us unless we fix it (and even then, nonstop talkiing about how much it costs....)
Well, ladies and gentlemen, please let me know what you think. I never talk to anyone about this so it feels good to get it off my chest.
And yes, I did take the vows (which I now regret) and I ignored early signs of this when we were dating...so I own up to the fact that I picked him "for life" and will stay as long as my kids are at home to keep their lives as normal as possible.

My question is. Why would it matter if he has AS or not? If he is making your life miserable than it really doesn't matter.
I have AS (diagnosed) and I have been happily married for over 13 years. ( I checked, she's happy). I love my son and do my best to show him this.
AS can definitly make things more difficult in a relationship but it is not an excuse to be mean or cruel.

I get along great with young kids--Aspergers is only a problem with older kids who expect you to pick up non-verbal clues.

Last edited by BTDT on 10 Sep 2010, 11:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Does he ever walk on tiptoes when he's not wearing shoes? That's a tell-tale sign.

I thought that was something kids did. I don't recall seeing any adults talk about doing that.

kidsandcats,

Has he read any books on AS? My half full thought is that maybe he doesn't know he's being a jerk. If he understand what he's doing, and does it anyways... then he's just [insert negative descriptive].

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

It doesn't sound very Asperger's to me. Asperger's isn't an excuse for a poor marriage. If your child were really diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, you'd be aware of the diagnostic criteria. Does your husband fit any of it?

Three points:

1. I agree with those who say that if your lives are miserable, then it is best to divorce. It would be best for both of you and the children. If the man is a lousy dad and husband, it's not because of Asperger's.

2. This is oft repeated, but I will reiterate it: We are not doctors. If you husband suspects that he has Asperger's, then he has the option of being tested by professionals. Until then, you can only speculate.

3. Yes, adults with AS do walk on tiptoe in bare feet. I do it.

1. We can't diagnose your husband over the Internet.
2. He sounds more like a run-of-the-mill as*hole than like someone with Asperger's.
3. Have you considered getting a divorce?

I second the others here; if the relationship's miserable, then it's miserable. You're far better talking to your husband about it than to us as it's him you're going to be dealing with day in day out, not a text book or any of the rest of us at WP.

Anyway, as for the list... (caveat; not a psychiatrist/psychologist)


Not a symptom. If he obsessively collected random stuff to do with baseball or was a professor at trivia from a particular show, then maybe. He sounds more depressed though (judging from the rest of what you've written) and might also just be stressed out from work- this may be his way of unwinding.


Not an official symptom, and not necessarily AS. Some people are just awkward around others. Maybe his own parents were a little chilly too and he never learnt differently. Have you pointed this out to him?

Being a bad hugger or not what you want in a man, isn't a symptom (and just out of curiousity, and I know I'm going to sound like Willard here, but if he wasn't what you wanted in a husband, why did you marry him?)



I've heard of dads acting like this. In fairness, 10 years later, the kids should be old enough not to interupt or at least you could tell them to wait their turn. It's understandable that a baby will demand constant attention, but if it's a 10 year old, then why not let your husband finish what he's talking about first? I'd be upset too if I knew I was destined to be permanantly delegated to a 'second class citizen' for the rest of my life/relationship.

I understand that he could be the one to tell the child to wait a minute, but as you've already shown, this is a guy who's not great with people. Also, if the issue for him is that he thinks you choose the kids all the time over him, then he'll want you to be the one to tell them off, to prove that you don't. It's not the most mature thing to do, but imagine if the roles were reversed, I'm sure you'd feel the same way.


Because, as you said, he doesn't feel like an equal adult in the relationship; he feels pushed out of the family unit and resents the kids for stealing you from him. This isn't AS. It's a vicious cycle and the pair of you should probably go for marriage counselling.


I would probably have thought you meant divorce too! Kidsandcats (and there's a huge clue there even in your choice of username), I'm not an expert and I'm not married with kids so I won't pretend to know how difficult it is to juggle things when you are, but I get this real feeling that your husband feels a bit superfluous to your whole life and that probably makes him really lonely inside. I think if you took a bit of time out from your kids on a regular basis, and focused on just him and your relationship and sort of reassured him that he is vital to the family, not just as a source of money, then there might be less of a rivalry for your affection.


I don't think he has any part of the disorder, and I don't think he's an out and out as*hole either to be honest. Everyone can be insensitive when they're mired in their own misery; I think you are being quite insensitive to him too, but that doesn't mean you are a bad person at all; you're just as miserable as he probably is.




Just because he's not good with his hands doesn't mean he has Aspergers. Quite a lot of AS people are clumsy, but as far as I know, it's not part of the diagnostic criteria. As for the chairs, sorry, he put the chairs round the table in a pretty reasonable way; some people do align their chairs like that, and even if they didn't. it's not a symptom of anything except possibly failure to read your mind.



Wow, wait to go totally dismissing his main contribution to the household . The guy works and pays for everything you and the kids require. Give him some serious kudos for that at least if you're not willing to credit him for anything else.

I'm not having a go at you being a home-mum, but if costs are an issue, maybe you could get a job and earn some money and then there'd be less monetary worries around the house?



Honestly? Deadly 100% honest?

I think your husband does not have aspergers. Not one iota.

If anyone has symptoms of AS actually, it's yourself. Your special interest seems to be your children. It may be because raising the kids is your 'job', and I understand that you love them dearly, but it sounds a bit like they're your entire world too; even the whole last sentence sent a shudder up my spine.. "I will stay as long as my kids are at home to keep their lives as normal as possible". God. What about your life, and what about your husbands? Is there seriously nothing else keeping your guys together? He doesn't want to be something to be 'endured' until your kids are older; do you honestly think he can't pick up on that frame of mind?

I'd say you two need a marriage counsellor. Leave the kids at home.

I wouldn't worry about it. You've loved him, this long.

I think it's time for a talk between you and your husband. Staying together 'for the kids' isn't going to work if you are living like this. I'm not saying you should leave him (that's for you to decide), but you do need to discuss the points you addressed in your post. Make a list of behavior that annoys you, and be specific. That helps you to really know what the problem is. Also, reflect on your own actions: what could you do better?

Make sure to make a list of the things he does good, like providing a steady income. I don't know your husband, but everyone has his or her good traits. This is very important to let you and him realize he is important to you and your kids.

Then comes the hard part: communicating with your husband about these issues. Make sure that your kids are not in the house and that you have enough time. Like a weekend when your kids are staying over by their grandparents. Explain your husband that you're doing this because you want to improve your marriage for you, him and your kids. Explain how his actions make you feel, and that you just can't go on this way. Emphasize that you don't want a divorce but a way to work this out together. Only that way you can both be happier in your marriage, and that will affect your kids. Be prepared to change your own actions too: it has to come from two sides, and it may just be that he simply doesn't see or understand some things.

That said, Aspergers is not an excuse for bad behavior. But you may need to convince him about certain things, like hugging your children. Explain why you think it is important for them, and why he should put their interest first. Don't throw it on that he is the bad parent, but explain it like you worry about it and the effect on your children. That way he may cooperate sooner, and that's the goal. In the end, you say that you want to solve this situation together. So don't blame each other on everything, but work out a way that does work, and do it!

I know what you mean about wanting to stay in the marriage for financial reasons, and to not put the kids through the trauma of a divorce. Divorce isn't always the answer.

I'm not sure if your husband has Asperger's. The fact that he has a kid with it makes it more likely, the communication issues and clumsiness also... What I think is that if it helps to think of this cluster of traits as a disorder, if it helps you in dealing with him, than personally I say go for it. If it helps, it helps!

It sounds like to me that your husband hasn't adjusted well to the fact that kids will distract Mom. My children's father hasn't either, gets annoyed with the kids when they interrupt (and they still do, even at 9 and 7), and spends ridiculous amounts of time away from us on the computer. He's basically not involved with us or the household at all...

...except for structured activities.

His relationship with the kids centers completely around cub scouts & chess (things that he volunteers to help organize), and chunks of time that are set up ahead of time (i.e., we agree that he will "have" the kids between 2 and 5 pm on Saturday). Your husband might need more or less time with the kids than this, or maybe spend time with one kid at a time (we'll sometimes have "special night" where each parent gets to have one-on-one time with a kid; it's worked well).

Hope this helps, and good luck to you!

#1 is not an AS trait.
#2 is mostly not an AS trait. The awkward hugs fit AS (hugs are non-verbal communication), but any parent can ignore kids.
#3 doesn't fit at all. Competing with someone for attention takes social skills, and while most people with AS are capable of it, it's more common to be unaware that someone is paying more or less attention to you.
#4 doesn't fit. Arguing with the kids has got nothing to do with AS.
#5 sounds like an argument that could happen with any troubled relationship. Nothing AS here.
#6 is actually the complete opposite of AS. If you say he can tell others' emotions, that's something you wouldn't expect of someone with autism. Now, a lot of people learn those things "by rote" (i.e., by memorizing facial expressions, studying body language, etc.) so it doesn't actually rule it out, but again, nothing to do with AS. A "sarcastic sense of humor" says nothing either way.
#7 doesn't have anything to do with AS; in fact, many people with AS make good engineers, and are very good with their hands.

I'm going to be blunt here: You haven't got any reason to think the man has AS, and psychologists don't make a diagnosis on the basis of someone who is awkward at giving hugs and once didn't pick up on what his father was feeling. I don't understand, really, what led you to think that this is AS in the first place. If you two want to save your marriage, then you've got to work on it and stop blaming each other (or some random psychological diagnosis) for your problems. It might be comfortable for you to say, "He's got Condition X; he can't help it," but that's simply not what happens in the real world. In the real world, people make choices, choices have consequences, and that's true whether they have autism or not.

One more thing: If he does hurt you or the kids, you are well within your rights to take the kids and leave; in fact, I encourage it, because a single-parent home is always better than an abusive two-parent home. And it doesn't matter if the argument was your fault or his, to begin with--because part of being a mature adult is being able to have arguments without hurting the other person; and if he can't do that, then he's not husband or father material.

Thanks for the advice. It is good to hear an outsider's perspective. When my son was diagnosed 6 yrs ago my husband read the report and said it reminded him of how he felt as a child. I see some similarities between my husband and my son, but my son fits the diagnostic criteria whereas my husband only has some of the traits. In the end, the state of our marriage will not change with a diagnosis. I just thought it might help me understand him better.
One person posted that he thought it sounded like I had AS because my kids are my whole world and maybe I need to focus more on my husband. This is a typical reaction of people to a problem like mine. In S. Greenspan's book The Child with Special Needs he writes about how autism affects a marriage and uses the example of a woman who becomes almost obsessed with helping the child, while the father feels left out. Greenspan thinks the mother needs to ask the father his opinion and keep him in the loop, so to speak, so she does not alienate him. In my experience, and maybe some other moms out there too, it happened a little differently. My son had problems, we began investigating it, and my husband was in complete denial. He came to as many appointments as he could, but said little and read none of the suggested books. When I tried to talk about it, he was unresponsive. He made jokes about it, even though I was obviously very worried. He was already distant from his son, and my son's behavior problems seemed to make it worse. I was worried for my son, that he was going to feel like his father didn't love him. I had a very loving, involved dad growing up, so I knew how important that was. I also had an uninvolved, rather distant mother so I know what that feels like. So I was worried for my son, and for that reason, I tried to be supermom and read everything written about AS and see every specialist...It wasn't like I intentionally set out to alienate my husband.
When my parents briefly separated when I was a child, it was devastating. I have watched friends divorce and seen the way it affects their kids. This is just my opinion, but unless I am being physically abused or my husband is an addict, or he's cheating on me...I won't divorce him. I don't think it will make my life better...in fact, it will make us all poorer financially and it will hurt my children. As lame as he is, he is their father and they love him. I don't want to be the one to take that away from them, making them split up on holidays and all that nonsense.
Maybe my husband is just depressed or maybe he is a big jerk, or maybe we are both depressed jerks who should never have gotten married. But for better or worse, we are married and we have two kids. My life decisions are predicated on what 's best for my kids. If that makes me a freak, then so be it.

It is likely you're husband has the broader autism phenotype which is basically just characteristics of autism that are often found in parents or siblings of autistic people. That would explain him being able to relate to some of the things as your child, your child having autism in the first place (genetics), but not really anything else.

I also agree with you in that divorcing doesn't really sound like the solution here.