problems with girls

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well i have never had a girlfriend all through my grade, junior , and high school! and everyone tells me that i will most likly have one in college or little bit after college and i was allways wandering how im going to have a girlfriend in college when i cant even get one now in highschool and im a senior!

Danny, it's not something you HAVE to do. It's one of life's perks. And if you find someone, there's not really a time limit on when finding them has to happen. I didn't really date until my mid-twenties. I know several other people like me. Some of them are now happily married.

Just try to concentrate on being a good friend to the people you meet, and maybe something will happen. It seems to do that, especially when you're not trying to make it happen. It's almost like trying to make something happen will kill any chance of it. Just let it happen when you start meeting people.

College is a lot different than high school, you'll meet a lot of different kinds of people there. It's a bit easier to fit in, because it's not so homogenized as is high school. You'll do fine, just back off it a bit.

Well said.

And sometimes having a girlfriend is NOT a perk. I have guys telling me all the time, "Man, I wish I could lose this chick I'm dating. She's such a drag...."

Managing a relationship well is a very difficult skill invovling self-knowledge, restraint, patience, wisdom, tenderness, and firmness. Most people don't do well with it, statistically speaking. Divorce still hovers around the 50% mark, and dating these days is like rollerderby.

Since you haven't been in a relationship, you wouldn't know this from experience. But even the people who look like they're having a great time together often drop their game face when they get home. Relationships fall into depedency, co-dependency, use, verbal abuse, manipulation, jealousy, and hate with alarming frequency.

Not that the love/sex/marriage triangle can't be a good thing, but it's a lot more complicated than Hollywood makes it out to be. That's why people who are in their 30s and 40s have a much better chance of staying together: they've learned some coping skills through their previous mistakes.

I recommend you take your time--as it sounds like you are--and go through fewer painful mistakes. Aspies don't usually do well learning by hard knocks in the area of romance. It's just confusing, and we don't really improve at the game by mistakes, as NTs do. Far better to back it off and read some books or make some friends who are girls and try to understand them better first. Then, when a good date comes along, you'll know better how to handle it.

Good luck.

I have not found that to be the case at all. It's actually worse because at my age people expect you to be "with it." I can hardly relate to other 24-year olds.

I never had a boyfriend until I went away to college. It's a whole different crowd in college, or can be, or was back in the day.

It will happen to you. And I mean it will "happen to you". I've met a few girls who kinda like shy guys, and for whatever reason you'll probably meet more of those in college. When it happens, just be sure to let them know your condition (if you have AS) before it gets too far, that way they will be more understanding when they notice that there is something different about you.

Unfortunately you're probably right. From my years of experience, as you get older girls expect guys to be more and more experienced, and they avoid inexperienced guys like the plague - and they can smell inexperience from 500 miles away.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I've just about given up hope. It's the same old story over and over, and it's just getting too boring. It's very predictable now.

The notion that people should take their time is false in my opinion, because if you wait too long to get started, nobody will give you a chance. I waited too late, and now it is too late. I'm 20, and another two years and half the people I know will be married.

No offense, but I completely disagree with most of what you said. My first girlfriend was in highschool, but I didn't glean much good experience from that. I didn't meet another girl until I was 21. I've had four more since then, all extremely good quality if sparsely separated.

I find, it has a lot more to do with your attitude than your experience, but that also depends on the kind of girls you are looking for. If you take that hostile, "it's too late, I'll just be single forever" attitude, then you will. Because THAT my friend is what the girls smell from so far away. Remember that decent girl is not attracted to self hate or sadness, because in projecting that image you may as well be saying "I'm unfun."

You are twenty years old and you still have so much time. Experience does help, but it doesn't just have to be relationships. Use your talents to learn about the world, culture and anything you can, because that can be used to woo a woman.

Don't be down on yourself and DON'T try to force things. You absolutely don't want to come off as desparate (that's even worse).

Now, you talk about them staying forever ahead, but you seem to only be thinking about the ones that are as old as you. As a late bloomer, you may just need to consider slightly younger girls. (Don't go lower than 18...) There's nothing wrong with that. I had a halfway decent six month relationship with a girl who was 19 when I was 25. And once you get into your late twenties, I wouldn't go lower than 5 years difference. Don't discount legitimate options.

Liking oneself can only get you so far. No matter how much someone likes themselves, if there is something about them that girls do not like (i.e. overweight, Asperger's, cleft palate, albino, Down's, amputated legs/arms, etc.), there is little or no hope, particularly where there is a demographic domination of men over women. I don't like it either, but it's something I'm going to have to eventually accept as an Aspie. Personality can only get you so far with today's woman, who at least in this region, have a very wide array of men to choose from. (I am slightly overweight, by the way.)

And if you resign to being single forever, doesn't that mean you're "not looking", which is when a relationship supposedly is most likely to happen? If not, then one can't win - they can't get a relationship if they're trying, and they can't get one if they're not trying.



This is where I will tend towards agreeing with you. I think one of the issues is that while I'm 20, any girl that is one or two years younger than me is still a teenager, and they tend to lack maturity (although my experience has been that most girls remain immature up to about age 21). There's a really nice, sweet, and really cute girl that recently started working where I work, and although she's in Grade 10 (turning 16 this year), I would be interested in her. She and I have been talking a lot already. I'd rather go out with someone at least 18, mainly because they'd be in at least Grade 12 and can better relate to where I am in university, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. As long as they have maturity, I'm open to someone 16 and up.

It is very difficult to not be down on oneself when continually being rejected. And things don't happen unless you force to some degree. I don't mean just going up to a random girl and French kissing her, but it does involve taking risks. And risk-taking has never been my strong point.

Now, about age gaps - I knew a woman once who was in her 30s when she got married, and her husband was 26 years older than her. He was 102 when he passed away, and she would've been 76 at that time. That's too much!

I disagree with you on this point because of my age and I know this: You are clustering all girls together and you simply cannot do that. Every person has their own tastes, and I've known more than a few really cute, really cool girls who have overlooked things like that. Not every girl wants an athlete for a boyfriend. Some would be just as happy with a chubby guy with a good sense of humor. Others more or less want a guy that projects some level of success. Now are any of those things you mentioned a disadvantage? You bet. But in those cases I'm just saying you have more control over your destiny then you are allowing yourself to believe. It's not a dealbreaker, it's just a little harder. It just varies from girl to girl.

I do agree that location IS a huge thing. Probably much bigger than the other factors.



As far as this goes, I'm glad you found something applicable you felt you could use. Although I will point out that as you get older, the age difference can get wider and it means even less -- but this doesn't apply to you yet, so feel free to ignore it.

One thing that I will caution you about dating younger girls, isn't the immaturity; It's the fact that they look up to you in some sense and they sort of respect that elder wisdom you have. But there WILL come a day when there is no wisdom disparity. You must recognize this when it happens and gracefully step down to being on par. If you don't, the backlash will be unreal.

Oh and... none of us are great risk-takers.

This is so true. I was nearing 30 before I entered my first serious relationship. I thought as soon as I had a girlfriend, everything would be OK. In truth, I've found staying in and maintaining a long-term relationship as difficult as finding one in the first place.

In a way, I agree with those saying "don't force it", as this will increase your anxiety and make it even harder to make a good impression. YET as time goes by - and it passes quicker than we realise, prospective partners do expect something different from us.

I'm thinking that the best way to learn about relationships is to get the experience by being in one. Through my 20's I had many times when I took things easy, didn't force anything and got no attention at all. Everyones experience will difffer, but I have to make a significant effort to make any impression at all. So I also believe that the longer without a relationship, the more difficult it will be. We are in an unenviable position.

Making female friends is a start, by my mid 20's I had at least worked out how to do this. However, in common with some other posts I've seen on this forum, most of these used me as a a dumping ground for the terrible problems they were having with lover after lover. End result was a total loss of my self esteem that has never really recovered. I know it does happen, but in general I don't think close male/female friends of this type ever become lovers.

There's a consensus that not being in a loving relationship for a long time is quite damaging to *all* peoples emotional well-being. So we are doubly caught because as we remain single and lonely, we are further adding to the emotional difficulties that we are already suffering.

Sorry, there's no easy answer. On a positive point, KNOWING that you have AS or similar is definitely a good thing. I wish I'd known 20 years ago, as not knowing yet always struggling and continually failing to impersonate NT's is quite damaging in the long run.

This is key. Good to bring it up.

Dannyboy, women change lightyears from the time they are in high school to the time they hit, say, late 30s/40s.

One of the reasons I said to take your time is that, while you might find a girlfriend sooner than later, high school and college is not the ideal time for an aspie to get a lot of attention.

Young women--girls--in their late teens and early 20s are by and large bouncing all over the place. They are lusting after rock stars, movie stars, their handsome psychology professor, the football star, the brooding guy (because he's so sensitive!) and it can change from week to week. They are dreaming about all these archetypal men because they don't know what the heck they want.

Where does this leave a shy, steady fellow? Kinda lonely. It's likely you have way too much individuality to rate in their current universe. 'Course, some smart girl might pick you out, but don't hold your breath.

As women mature, they start to realize what to look for in a guy. Instead of looking at, "How flashy or well know is he?" the really important questions become:

"Does he have a job?"
"Does he treat his sisters and/or mother respectfully?"
"Is he in heavy debt, or can he control his spending?"
"Does he want children ... I mean REALLY want children?"
"Can he really listen to me?"
"Are we really compatible, or is he just another guy who wants to sleep with me?"
"Does he hit me, or has he hit other women?"
"Does he have trouble with alcohol or drugs?"
"Is he a smooth talker who's going to cheat on me later?"
"Does he love me?"

It can take women a while to get enough wisdom or bad experience--or both--to know to ask all these questions and percieve the answers. Quite a bit of this bad experience happens around your age and in the next five years. Those girls who are ignoring you now? Well, an alarmingly high percentage will be raped by drunk football players, drugged band members, or the psychology professor. Many others will get into one bad bad relationship after another because of substance abuse, infidelity, or the simple fact that they mistook lust for love. Why? because they're young, and our culture leaves them unprotected by family. They have no guidance, and they have to work it out.

Some women don't get real until their late 20s, or 30s, or 40s. Sometimes they never get it. Either way, you may be watching for a few years while the ladies make their mistakes and gain the understanding it takes to see a guy like you.

But I encourage you to not let that get you down. Go become the man you want to be. Every dog has his day, and yours will come. Pursue your passions and goals and let the romance come when it's ready. If you don't want to lose time, then learn to cook, learn to give a good back rub, and memorize some poetry by heart.

Those will come in VERY handy. The women who are wary at your inexperience will be enchanted by your skills, and those that aren't wary will thank their lucky stars they found a guy who has saved himself rather than going through women like tissue paper.

I found that last post very uplifting. Most dogs do indeed have their day.

Of course I'm clustering all girls together, because around here, they're all the same. This is a very snobby community with very high incomes, not to mention all the out-of-towners at the university that come from the most prestigious parts of the Toronto area. Virtually all of the guys I know that have girlfriends in this metropolis are dark-haired and tanned, have facial hair, are superstar athletes, and/or are drunks - and occasionally, are criminals. Girls around here don't want anybody else, and I can barely think of any relationships without a guy fitting into that category. Almost all the girls I know want the same things out of guys. And, the few other girls that exist are all taken, in many cases being in those damn "institutional" relationships that they have been in for over two years.

I'll be so glad to move out of this hell-hole region once I'm done my undergrad degree. I need to find a rural, lower-income, blue-collar region where people are not as shallow.



It doesn't come for everyone. I know an Aspie guy in his late 50s who has never been able to find anyone.

GroovyDruid,

Well said, We need to be very patient, focus on other things that make us happy and wait for our time to come. For me (I'm 23 now) I could be waiting until 30 to either lose my virginity, enter my first serious relationship or both and nearly 40 by the time I get married.

True... basically in college there's a lot of spoiled dumb middle class kids, and lots of hot girls walking around with barely any clothes on, who you'll want to f**k but have no idea how to talk to. That's my take on college! I'd say just do your own thing, be yourself, pursue some interest that involves other people, and you'll eventually find a girl. Whether you're in college or a career or you're a high school senior I'd say that's the best path.