can't bring myself to have sex with bf

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Jules22
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16 Sep 2010, 1:28 pm

I am 22. I live with my boyfriend. I have recently stopped having sex / being intimate with him completely. I just cannot bring myself to do it! It's been about 4 months now.

Our sex life used to be ok, but I never really enjoyed sex. ever.

I feel bad for him because he gets really angry about it.

Do you think it's because he has hurt me in the past, or do you think it's all me? could it be my anti depressants? It's got to the point where we are going to probably break up.

I also cannot imagine having sex with anyone else.

Julia xx



Yasmine
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16 Sep 2010, 1:38 pm

If you don't enjoy it then you shouldn't make yourself do it....

And if he gets angry about it... that's a real red flag! He sounds abusive.
Of course a boyfriend might find it frustrating, but one solves it by talking and figuring out what is best for the both of you.
Not by getting angry or trying to press you into it!



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16 Sep 2010, 1:58 pm

Yasmine wrote:
If you don't enjoy it then you shouldn't make yourself do it....

And if he gets angry about it... that's a real red flag! He sounds abusive.
Of course a boyfriend might find it frustrating, but one solves it by talking and figuring out what is best for the both of you.
Not by getting angry or trying to press you into it!


Agreed completely. also, it very well could be your antidepressants, try asking your doctor about it.


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16 Sep 2010, 3:23 pm

He has hurt you in the past? How? (You don't need to post all the details. Be vague if you need to.)



alex
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16 Sep 2010, 4:36 pm

Anti-depressants have that effect.


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16 Sep 2010, 4:46 pm

maybe you don't love you

or maybe you're lesbian


or maybe what alex said.



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16 Sep 2010, 4:47 pm

Obviously, if you don't want sex, you shouldn't have to have it. But do you want to want it? It's one thing to simply not have the desire, much like not wanting to eat when you're full. But do you consider sex to be a waste of time, boring, or silly? If you think sex has no value and can never see yourself enjoying it, then you are probably doing a disservice to your boyfriend, who does value it, especially if you expect him to remain faithful to you by not having sex with other girls.


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16 Sep 2010, 5:44 pm

Reduced sex drive is a common side effect of anti depressants.



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16 Sep 2010, 6:33 pm

Yasmine wrote:
If you don't enjoy it then you shouldn't make yourself do it....

And if he gets angry about it... that's a real red flag! He sounds abusive.
Of course a boyfriend might find it frustrating, but one solves it by talking and figuring out what is best for the both of you.
Not by getting angry or trying to press you into it!


Lol! Getting cut off from being intimate and getting angry about it is abusive? This forum continues to amaze me... I honestly can't believe how polarized this issue is between male and female here.

To be clear -- Yes -- no one has a right to force you to have sex. So if you don't want to have sex with someone, I suggest you end the relationship, or downgrade it, if you want to be fair to him. Most people in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship who aren't restricted by religion or culture do expect sex and intimacy.

If you can't handle that, or don't like it, I would say don't get into real relationships, or find someone with a similar libido.

Also -- have you considered that you might be gay or asexual? Among lesbian friends I've had who didn't really realize at the time that they were gay, this was one of the signs that they weren't going down the road that was right for them. They had sex once with their boyfriend, and were like "Gee, that's great. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Oh, you want some more?...." And then they realized they weren't going for what they really wanted.



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16 Sep 2010, 7:27 pm

It's all well and good if you don't want to have sex.

BUT

If you cannot and will not have sex with this guy ever again, you should probably break up with him. It's not fair to him to keep him tied up to you who cannot or will not do it with him. At the VERY least, you owe him a detailed explanation why you cannot, if you have not already. Make him understand what this means to you. If he can't accept that, cut him loose.

It might smooth things over if you plan on staying with this guy, to occasionally acquiesce, IF you can bring yourself to do that for his sake. Otherwise, this guy will get so frustrated he'll either break up with you himself, or cheat, or get angry and be sullen and unpleasant over time.



Last edited by Shebakoby on 16 Sep 2010, 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Invader
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16 Sep 2010, 7:28 pm

Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.

If a person has invested a lot of time in their mate, only to find out they can no longer mate with this mate, of course they're going to be angry. That is not a "red flag", they are perfectly right to be unhappy and you are the one with the defect. I do not mean that as an insult in any way, but if you think about it, you know it's true.

Sexual intercourse is a natural function in all creatures, and they spend a large part of their lives fighting for it or otherwise working to put themselves into a position to obtain it. Any creature which does so and then has it taken away is not going to be amused or "understanding" about it, any more than they would be if you took away their only source of food, which they have expended great effort to acquire. Any male who was simply "fine" with it, and "understood" would definitely have something wrong with him, would be unhealthily passive and would have a weak will to live which was far too easily subdued. The drive to reproduce is, after all, equivalent to the will to live. The strong drive behind it is the only thing which has allowed all species to survive to the current generation.

As I said, there is no point whatsoever in taking a mate who is unwilling to mate. That in itself is a waste of life, so don't get trapped in the idea "oh if he cares about me he won't mind" - Those feelings of "caring" have their root in the reproductive drive, and without intercourse that affection or love simply has no purpose and will rightfully vanish. Agan I don't mean this as an insult but you should take your mate's feelings into consideration rather than expecting your mate to take yours into consideration. He is perfectly right to want to mate, even if he is being aggressive about it. That is natural for all species, and what you are feeling is not. If you care for him then you'll either try and rekindle your urge to mate or you will leave and let him find someone else with whom he can do so, instead of wasting his life.

If you have no desire to mate then you have no right to expect the "benefits" of having a boyfriend. Sex is the basis of the relationship which exists between the sexes. You can't have the lovey-dovey friendship without it having a purpose. You can always remain friends with him after he's found a new mate, if friendship is what you want, but there's no reason to deny him of something which his body literally requires in order for him not to suffer very real discomfort and distress. Going without sex is not the same for guys as it is for girls... Where do you think their constant aggression comes from? :lol:



Last edited by Invader on 16 Sep 2010, 7:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Shebakoby
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16 Sep 2010, 7:32 pm

Invader wrote:
Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.

If a person has invested a lot of time in their mate, only to find out they can no longer mate with this mate, of course they're going to be angry. That is not a "red flag", they are perfectly right to be unhappy and you are the one with the defect. I do not mean that as an insult in any way, but if you think about it, you know it's true.

Sexual intercourse is a natural function in all creatures, and they spend a large part of their lives fighting for it or otherwise working to put themselves into a position to obtain it. Any creature which does so and then has it taken away is not going to be amused or "understanding" about it, any more than they would be if you took away their only source of food, which they have expended great effort to acquire. Any male who was simply "fine" with it, and "understood" would definitely have something wrong with him, would be unhealthily passive and would have a weak will to live which was far too easily subdued. The drive to reproduce is, after all, equivalent to the will to live. The strong drive behind it is the only thing which has allowed all species to survive to the current generation.

As I said, there is no point whatsoever in taking a mate who is unwilling to mate. That in itself is a waste of life, so don't get trapped in the idea "oh if he cares about me he won't mind" - Those feelings of "caring" have their root in the reproductive drive, and without intercourse that affection or love simply has no purpose and will rightfully vanish. Agan I don't mean this as an insult but you should take your mate's feelings into consideration rather than expecting your mate to take yours into consideration. He is perfectly right to want to mate, even if he is being aggressive about it. That is natural for all apecies. If you care for him then you'll either try and rekindle your urge to mate or you will leave and let him find someone else with whom he can do so, instead of wasting his time.

If you have no desire to mate then you have no right to have the "benefits" of having a boyfriend. Sex is the basis of the relationship which exists between the sexes. You can't have the lovey-dovey friendship without it having a purpose. You can always remain friends with him after he's found a new mate, if friendship is what you want, but there's no reason to deny him of something which his body literally requires in order to not suffer very real discomfort and distress. Going without sex is not the same for guys as it is for girls... Where do you think their constant aggression comes from? :lol:


THIS.

While guy may not have a right to have sex with the OP, it's also not fair to tie him up and basically deprive him when he could have it...with someone else.



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16 Sep 2010, 8:47 pm

i call bs on the idea that you should break up simply because you do not want sex right now. the first thing to do is investigate why you dont want sex. it could be a variety of reasons, and it should be something that you discuss with him. it could be the medication. it could also be fluctuation in hormones. maybe its stress, an extreme sensory reaction, or a reaction to emotions.

really examine what aspects you are having trouble with. is it just the physical act of penetration, the touching, the smells, etc. try to figure out what exactly is triggering your reaction, and maybe you will find other ways to be intimate without setting off those triggers.

if he pushes to either have sex or break up, then by all means, break up because he isnt worth your time. a REAL man understands that sex isnt the only factor in a relationship, and should be willing to give you time and help you work through it.

i myself have gone through a couple extended periods of not wanting sex. the first time was after my third child was born and i was breastfeeding. i literally cringed every time my SO touched me. i simply couldnt stand to be touched. my SO wasnt thrilled about it, but not once did he ever express anger or pressure me about it, and he gave me the space and time i needed. one day it simply went away. the second time was earlier this year, going through a time of heavy stress from multiple sources, and it just kind of stretched out into about 4 months of abstinence without me really noticing. my SO was under similar stress and didnt even mention the lack of intimacy.

often males, who tend to have more consistent drives, do not think about the fact that a woman's sex drive can fluctuate on a regular basis due to her hormones. it fluctuates with our monthly cycles, pregnancy, breastfeeding, post-partum, and throughout the different stages of menopause. where a man might have a certain level of libido for long periods of time, a woman may not. its perfectly normal for a woman to experience those fluctuations, and its not even uncommon for a woman to go through periods of voluntary abstinence depending on her hormone production.


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16 Sep 2010, 9:09 pm

Invader wrote:
Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.


That seems a bit... selfish.



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16 Sep 2010, 9:28 pm

The whole "I'm a woman, hear me roar!! !" attitude in this thread really bothers me. That's not what feminism should be about. When it first started out in the 1970's, it wasn't about supremacy; it was about fairness and equitability (notice I didn't say "equality"). Want to know what I think? OP should break up with her boyfriend ASAP, but not "because he's a sex-crazed jerk", but because it's unfair for him to suffer through a sexless relationship.

Jules22, let me ask you this: how would you feel if your boyfriend never gave you flowers, never took out out to a romantic dinner, never told you how beautiful you look, never bought you chocolates "just because", never gave you emotional support after a stressful day, never wrote you a love letter, and never agreed to help you around the house. That's right, you'd dump him faster than you can say "it's not you, it's me". Well, guess what? He put the same importance on sex than you put on romance. Would you enjoy being in a relationship with him if he refused to do anything romantic for you? 'Nuff said.

Now, before I get attacked with torches and pitchforks, don't get me wrong: no one has any right to force sex. But no one has any right to force a sexless relationship either. So take the high road: either agree to a brief separation while you get the sexuality issues worked out, or break up with him outright. Remember: if you love him, let him go.