can't bring myself to have sex with bf

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You sound like those people who argue against gay marriage on the grounds that it doesn't fit the definition of "between a man and a woman". There is no reason why human relationships should be limited to what fits a dictionary definition. It is absurd to say that two people should not consider themselves a couple just because the nature of their relationship doesn't fit what some guy on the internet thinks is appropriate.

To apply your analogy to this thread, just because I'm going to McDonalds doesn't mean I have to buy a burger. They may have built their business on burgers but nothing obligates me to buy one in order to be considered a McDonalds' customer. I can go there many times and never buy anything but salad and I'm still a McDonalds' customer even if I've never bought one of their burgers. Likewise, a couple can consider themselves a couple/mated even if they don't have sex.

I quite frankly have trouble believing someone could spew such absurdities in seriousness.



In the event that you're being earnest, I've provided a guide for you on the topic:

1. THE PURPOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS IS DEFINED BY THEM, NOT YOU.

2. If confused, refer to rule one.

WTF?
Whoa Nellie...hold the phone for a moment!

He has hurt you in the past by cheating (and other stuff) but you don't think this is a big factor?
Jules...sweetheart, I say this as a friend would say it:
Thou art in serious denial.

Seriously, I am not kidding.
What you just said above is a huge red flag about YOU, because you are minimizing the importance of your feelings. You're also minimizing your self-worth and self-respect.
Cheating on you is a form of disrespect unless you had made it clear at the outset of the relationship that it was an open one, but if that were the case you would not be saying he has hurt you in the past.

So it's almost a contradiction, does that make sense?
"He has hurt me in the past, but I don't think that's a big factor" is like saying "me getting hurt isn't a big deal".

Well Jules, part of you is saying that it isn't a big deal, but another part of you, a very very VERY BIG part, which connects all the way from your lips to your mind to your heart and every intimate area of your body is screaming "F**** yeah it's a big factor!"

It's admirable in some ways that you are trying to put on a brave front but you can't fool yourself.
The reason you don't want to make love, be close and be intimate with this man is because he betrayed your trust and he hurt you, and you can no longer summon up the feelings you need to
become warm and receptive to intimacy.

So get in touch with your feelings, don't blame yourself (EVER!) and even though it might hurt more to connect with those feelings, let them out and recognize them for what they are, your real, true honest feelings.

And I am sorry that you were hurt...the good news is, most of the time the hurt eases and you find a new person who is worth your trust.

This bastard ain't worth another minute of your time, that is FO SHO NUFF.

Take care

Jeff H

Is that right? That would explain something thats been bothering me..
Oh and edit:

Just a side note -- McD's doesn't make their real revenue off the burgers, and sometimes will take a loss on them to get you into their restaurants. They make their real money on french fries and sugar water (soda/pop). This is obvious to anyone who buys a McD's "hamburger" -- it's a tiny little pitiful thing. It's hard to sell beef at a profit, so they don't. They sell everything else at a big margin instead. Just FYI.

If she really believes this isn't a big factor then she deserves to be with a such boyfriend.

I don't think she deserves it but given the pattern of such relationships, hopefully she'll learn. The sad fact is, I've known some girls in abusive relationships who think these kinds of guys are the only ones that love them especially when there's jealousy involved. It's a sick and twisted pattern of what they perceive as "love".

That's me. Some of us don't have the chance to get a quality man like other girls. This can be determined by personality differences, where they live or physical preference. :/

QFT.

And I'll tell you something else: Anyone in such a pattern of abusive relationships, or currently in one needs some kind of intervention. Most advice you'll get about people stuck in those relationships is mind your own business, stay out.

No way, dude. Interfere. Intervene. Split them up and drive a wedge between 'em. Keep the victim away from the other until the pain of breaking up is over, and stay close AT ALL TIMES to make sure one doesn't go back to the other.

It's HARD to do, it's painful, for you as well as your friend. But if you love someone, go the distance for them.

I speak from experience. My wife was in such a pattern. She broke up with the guy and had no intention of going back to him. What happened was he pulled the "let's be friends" routine and stuck to her like white on rice. They ended up getting back together. Big surprise. And then when I started getting to know her, she started using me as an excuse to get away from him. Dude could have killed me, but I didn't care. I'm helping my friend, damnit. And then after that he calmed down, tried pulling the "let's be friends" crap again, and there were three or four of us that crowded around her at all times to make sure he couldn't get near her. We ended up getting him arrested for the crap he tried to pull during that time. It was an awful time, but we sent the message: NO MORE.

Now, I don't mean you should split up everyone because you just don't like their partners. I've been in beautiful relationships that were ruined because a "friend" didn't like me. But on the other hand, if I'm dating someone who'd rather go with friends like that, I don't need her anyway. I'm talking about if UGLY stuff is going on, get in there and take care of business, no matter what it takes, no matter who gets hurt. If you care about someone in an abusive relationship who is so blinded by it there's no way out, GET INVOLVED.

^^ I usually do the opposite, when I see a girl I like in an abusive relationship, I just mind my own business. I don't interfere , I don't try to destroy the relationship ...nothing.


No one is forcing her with a gun to be with a such guy. I usually think "tant pis" for her.

Not even if this girl is my friend, I wouldn't help male friends in such situation either. From my experience, it's bad to get involved in such thing ,at the end you would be seen as the guilty and the wrongdoer.

Woohoo...

Guilty and wrongdoer... Yep, that's me alright.

Being accused of something is not the same thing as being what you're accused of. If I love someone, I'll step up for them. I don't care what it takes. That person is a valuable person and deserves the same shot at happiness in a relationship as anyone.

The thing is, Boo, is there may not be a gun involved. But one way or another SOMEONE is being coerced into staying in something that is not in her best interest. He's got her mind turned around so much she doesn't even KNOW what she thinks. She thinks what she is told to think. And that is a dangerous place for someone.

Her friends should forcibly get her away from the guy and help her snap back to reality. Give her a chance to start thinking for herself again. And then you won't have to worry about the same thing happening in other future relationships.