can't bring myself to have sex with bf

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puddingmouse
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20 Sep 2010, 2:52 pm

I don't have sex with my bf because I think we both aren't ready.

I have bad memories of what happened to me in my past relationship. He has a lot of things on his plate and lots of routine changes, which puts us both off because we're both Aspies.

I hope I can have sex in the future. I don't think it will be too long - I think things are getting better for us. We've always had a great relationship with minimum stress. It has been over a year. Some things take a lot of time. He told me himself that he was in no rush and that other things take priority.

So if the OP doesn't want to break up, maybe she should wait. Maybe if you told him you were trying to sort it out, he'd wait as well. It's not like his balls are going to fall off from waiting.

If you don't get along in other ways, you should break up. I think you're pretty hurt and you need to talk it through, first.



Last edited by puddingmouse on 20 Sep 2010, 3:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ikorack
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20 Sep 2010, 3:14 pm

Bethie wrote:
MotherKnowsBest wrote:
Jules22, from what you've said here I would imagine that you problem is a result of the state of your relationship. It is very hard for a woman to be intimate with a man when there is a huge gulf between them. Cheating creates a huge gulf and it sounds like that hasn't yet been overcome. The hurt you still feel from this and the fallout are the issues that needs addressing. You need to be honest with yourself about whether you will ever fully forgive him and forget it.



This is spot-on. Being intimate with someone for most people requires a degree of trust, and by cheating he has shattered yours.
It's his job to earn back your trust, and if he isn't doing that, he has no right to be mad at YOU.


If she doesn't trust him she has no business being with him in the first place.



hyperlexian
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20 Sep 2010, 3:18 pm

ikorack wrote:
Bethie wrote:
MotherKnowsBest wrote:
Jules22, from what you've said here I would imagine that you problem is a result of the state of your relationship. It is very hard for a woman to be intimate with a man when there is a huge gulf between them. Cheating creates a huge gulf and it sounds like that hasn't yet been overcome. The hurt you still feel from this and the fallout are the issues that needs addressing. You need to be honest with yourself about whether you will ever fully forgive him and forget it.



This is spot-on. Being intimate with someone for most people requires a degree of trust, and by cheating he has shattered yours.
It's his job to earn back your trust, and if he isn't doing that, he has no right to be mad at YOU.


If she doesn't trust him she has no business being with him in the first place.

yeah, that was my thinking too... from what the OP said, she made the choice to stay with him regardless of the cheating. therefore if it is still an issue holding her back, she has not expressed that here.


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21 Sep 2010, 4:30 am

azurecrayon wrote:
a REAL man understands that sex isnt the only factor in a relationship, and should be willing to give you time and help you work through it.


Aside from your arbitrary definition of a "REAL man", sex is an essential factor in an exclusive relationship. If a girl doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend, that's fine - but it amazes me the lengths women go to in order to try and make this "ok". He's expected to put up with being rejected and hurt, along with emotional attacks and emotional blackmail to make him stay, including redefining the definition of masculinity to suit. If he leaves, he'll be made out to be the bad guy.

Guys - you can't just make any situation work, the world isn't like that. But you can change the situation you're in. No woman would stay with a man who didn't want her, why should you stick with a woman who doesn't make you feel loved and wanted? If she's not feeling in the mood on a consistent basis, it's important that SHE drives the fixing of this. Women generally don't jump in and try and fix things when they don't feel loved and wanted - they just leave. But there are other options besides leaving - including a more open relationship (she should be fine with this if she doesn't want sex with you herself). If you can maintain and enjoy sex with other people, and be happy again, this can sometimes even make you much more attractive to your original girlfriend.



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21 Sep 2010, 4:45 am

goatboy wrote:
azurecrayon wrote:
a REAL man understands that sex isnt the only factor in a relationship, and should be willing to give you time and help you work through it.


Aside from your arbitrary definition of a "REAL man", sex is an essential factor in an exclusive relationship. If a girl doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend, that's fine - but it amazes me the lengths women go to in order to try and make this "ok". He's expected to put up with being rejected and hurt, along with emotional attacks and emotional blackmail to make him stay, including redefining the definition of masculinity to suit. If he leaves, he'll be made out to be the bad guy.

Guys - you can't just make any situation work, the world isn't like that. But you can change the situation you're in. No woman would stay with a man who didn't want her, why should you stick with a woman who doesn't make you feel loved and wanted? If she's not feeling in the mood on a consistent basis, it's important that SHE drives the fixing of this. Women generally don't jump in and try and fix things when they don't feel loved and wanted - they just leave. But there are other options besides leaving - including a more open relationship (she should be fine with this if she doesn't want sex with you herself). If you can maintain and enjoy sex with other people, and be happy again, this can sometimes even make you much more attractive to your original girlfriend.


Are you being serious or is this a joke :?: & some women here think I'm sexist


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hale_bopp
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21 Sep 2010, 6:09 am

goatboy wrote:
azurecrayon wrote:
a REAL man understands that sex isnt the only factor in a relationship, and should be willing to give you time and help you work through it.


Aside from your arbitrary definition of a "REAL man", sex is an essential factor in an exclusive relationship. If a girl doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend, that's fine - but it amazes me the lengths women go to in order to try and make this "ok". He's expected to put up with being rejected and hurt, along with emotional attacks and emotional blackmail to make him stay, including redefining the definition of masculinity to suit. If he leaves, he'll be made out to be the bad guy.


Did you even read the thread? He cheated on her, so really, imo they shouldn't have been together to begin with, and he cheated on her so he is the bad guy.

She should leave and find someone who doesn't want sex, or deal with the issue. The boyfriend shouldn't have cheated on her.



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21 Sep 2010, 7:50 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
goatboy wrote:
If a girl doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend, that's fine - but it amazes me the lengths women go to in order to try and make this "ok". He's expected to put up with being rejected and hurt, along with emotional attacks and emotional blackmail to make him stay, including redefining the definition of masculinity to suit. If he leaves, he'll be made out to be the bad guy.

Guys - you can't just make any situation work, the world isn't like that. But you can change the situation you're in. No woman would stay with a man who didn't want her, why should you stick with a woman who doesn't make you feel loved and wanted? If she's not feeling in the mood on a consistent basis, it's important that SHE drives the fixing of this. Women generally don't jump in and try and fix things when they don't feel loved and wanted - they just leave. But there are other options besides leaving - including a more open relationship (she should be fine with this if she doesn't want sex with you herself). If you can maintain and enjoy sex with other people, and be happy again, this can sometimes even make you much more attractive to your original girlfriend.

Did you even read the thread? He cheated on her, so really, imo they shouldn't have been together to begin with, and he cheated on her so he is the bad guy.

She should leave and find someone who doesn't want sex, or deal with the issue. The boyfriend shouldn't have cheated on her.


Actually, I agree with @goatboy on this one. The OP's bf did cheat - unacceptable in a monogamous relationship. I disagree with the characterization of him as the "bad guy" however. We really don't know the details of their situation (and those details aren't our business) - but the OP forgave his indiscretion. While they've apparently agreed to restart their relationship, they don't seem to have actually repaired the relationship. Infidelity does damage. IMO, the worst thing a couple affected by infidelity can do is to simply get back together - without dealing with the infidelity. They have to figure out what caused it, why it was even an option, the pain it caused, the fallout (like the destruction of intimacy) - and they need to figure out how to get past it, as a couple. Without doing that work, a couple is just pretending....playing the role of a committed bf/gf (or husband/wife), knowing that commitment doesn't really exist. Not surprisingly, the damage does tend to demand to be dealt with - in ways the OP has described in this post.

I suspect your lack of sexual desire is a way of punishing your bf for his infidelity, OP. (Either that, or both you and your bf are startlingly comfortable with making unilateral decisions about the level of intimacy in your relationship.) I'm not saying he doesn't necessarily deserve punishment, but you need to be honest about it, and you need to be honest about how you feel. I hope you both agree to couples' counseling. IMO, you're not going to make it together if you don't. If you're both not into working on the relationship, I think you'd both save each other a lot of grief by going your separate ways. Good luck.


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nick007
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21 Sep 2010, 8:08 pm

Did she suddenly lose her sexual desire after he cheated or was it fading before :?:


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21 Sep 2010, 8:14 pm

I'm voting that you really cant bring yourself to be intimate because he cheated on you. You may not realize it, but it still bothers you and keeps you from trusting him. The antidepressants can affect your libido, but I think it is the cheating that makes you recoil at his touch. That is not how anti-depressants typically make someone feel. They will make you uninterested or even cause you not to reach orgasm, as far as I know (I could be wrong).

Think about this- how would you feel if he were to decide to end it today? Would you be devastated? If so, go to couple's therapy and work this out. If you don't think you would be very upset (maybe even feel relieved), you need to move on. You may not be able to forgive him, and that doesn't make you a bad person. You could be telling yourself that you forgive him, but in your subconscious it really isn't true, so your body does not respond to him any more.



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22 Sep 2010, 10:18 am

pumibel wrote:
I'm voting that you really cant bring yourself to be intimate because he cheated on you. You may not realize it, but it still bothers you and keeps you from trusting him. The antidepressants can affect your libido, but I think it is the cheating that makes you recoil at his touch. That is not how anti-depressants typically make someone feel. They will make you uninterested or even cause you not to reach orgasm, as far as I know (I could be wrong).

Think about this- how would you feel if he were to decide to end it today? Would you be devastated? If so, go to couple's therapy and work this out. If you don't think you would be very upset (maybe even feel relieved), you need to move on. You may not be able to forgive him, and that doesn't make you a bad person. You could be telling yourself that you forgive him, but in your subconscious it really isn't true, so your body does not respond to him any more.


Great advice, pumibel.



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24 Sep 2010, 8:59 am

To the people questioning the validity of the following quote:

Invader wrote:
Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.


Do you understand what the word "mate" means? Why the genders exist? Why any relationship between them exists at all?

It would appear that you do not.

To the people saying "a real man blah blah there's more to a relationship than sex blah blah [insert rambling self-deceit] blah"

Of course there is more to a relationship than sex, but without it there is no basis for one and no purpose in its continuation.

See the word "mate", the purpose of genders and of the relationship which exists between them.



b9
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24 Sep 2010, 9:14 am

well i could love my girlfriend after we die if we have no bodies in the same way we do now.

sex is just a carnal thing and love is something that is transcendent beyond the boundaries of earthly life.

you are incarnate and your mind is trapped in carnal reality.



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24 Sep 2010, 9:15 am

Invader wrote:
To the people questioning the validity of the following quote:
Invader wrote:
Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.


Do you understand what the word "mate" means? Why the genders exist? Why any relationship between them exists at all?

It would appear that you do not.

To the people saying "a real man blah blah there's more to a relationship than sex blah blah [insert rambling self-deceit] blah"

Of course there is more to a relationship than sex, but without it there is no basis for one and no purpose in its continuation.

See the word "mate", the purpose of genders and of the relationship which exists between them.
the OP didn't call herself anyone's 'mate', so your point makes no sense.

and no, relationships are NOT all about mating. sex is not necessarily the purpose of a relationship. not everybody subscribes to your viewpoint, and plenty of couples are happy making arrangements with each other that don't involve sex at all, or involve infrequent sex.

if mating were the sole purpose of a relationship, no person would ever marry or have any sex at all when he or she is past childbearing or childrearing age, and no birth control would ever be used. and people who were incapable of having sex would never form relationships. because mating is for the purpose of procreation only, and relationships are about more than that.... so your argument does not make sense in the real world.


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24 Sep 2010, 9:35 am

Oh it's that irrational person again. :roll:

You can turn a bed into a roadworthy vehicle but that doesn't mean beds are meant for driving, or that they're not meant for sleeping on, or that roads are meant for sleeping on, or that roads are not meant to be used mainly by cars.

The exception is not the rule. As usual your arguments are irrelevant, nonsensical, invalid and pathetic. Perhaps you'd like to try misusing some more "big sounding" words again like last time, and claim to be "statistically speaking" when you're just rambling on about your completely baseless and horribly illogical opinions. :roll:

The fact remains that for the majority of the members of all species, reproduction is the sole basis for the existence of a relationship between the genders, and the reason that different sexes exist. A small minority of exceptions which you can dream up, like barren old people getting together (because of the affective drives which originate in their now inactive reproductive systems :roll:) do not mean anything in the face of the overwhelming factual evidence against them.

If I said McDonalds was a business built on burgers and junk food, you'd say "oh but they sell salads now too" and you'd believe that mentioning their new salads somehow refuted what I said about their business being built on burgers etc. But of course, you'd claim to be "statistically speaking" so that'd make you right too. Irrational, fickle, emotive, blinded by subjective bias unrelated to the topic in question... Typical... :roll:

I'm now dizzy from all this eye rolling. I don't intend to discuss anything any further with you. :roll:



Last edited by Invader on 24 Sep 2010, 10:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

hale_bopp
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24 Sep 2010, 10:02 am

I didn't read any of that, I got hypnotised by a whole lot of roll eye smileys

Who cares what a "mate" means anyway? If they don't want the same thing, no matter what that is, its a waste of time.



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24 Sep 2010, 10:23 am

Invader wrote:
Oh it's that irrational person again.

You can turn a bed into a roadworthy vehicle but that doesn't mean beds are meant for driving, or that they're not meant for sleeping on, or that roads are meant for sleeping on, or that roads are not meant to be used mainly by cars.

The exception is not the rule. As usual your arguments are irrelevant, nonsensical, invalid and pathetic. Perhaps you'd like to try misusing some more "big sounding" words again like last time, and claim to be "statistically speaking" when you're just rambling on about your completely baseless and horribly illogical opinions.

The fact remains that for the majority of the members of all species, reproduction is the sole basis for the existence of a relationship between the genders, and the reason that different sexes exist. A small minority of exceptions which you can dream up, like barren old people getting together (because of the affective drives which originate in their now inactive reproductive systems ) do not mean anything in the face of the overwhelming factual evidence against them.

If I said McDonalds was a business built on burgers and junk food, you'd say "oh but they sell salads now too" and you'd believe that mentioning their new salads somehow refuted what I said about their business being built on burgers etc. But of course, you'd claim to be "statistically speaking" so that'd make you right too. Irrational, fickle, emotive, blinded by subjective bias unrelated to the topic in question... Typical...
I'm now dizzy from all this eye rolling. I don't intend to discuss anything any further with you.
this post was too boring and not based on reality; i did not bother to read most of it. once i got to the point of you saying things about me, as opposed to saying things about my arguments, i could see that you don't intend to have a civil debate. too bad you aren't able to have a discussion without trying to insult me... i must have upset you a great deal with my post.

do you need a hug?it must be exhausting to carry around all of that anger and misogynistic baggage.

p.s. i removed the eyerolls in my reply. too silly.


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