Iv'e got questions do you have answers???????

Page 2 of 2 [ 21 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Gromit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 May 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,286
Location: In Cognito

25 May 2006, 5:34 am

> I asked his doc and he said if he is functioning well then there is no need for a diagnosis at this point, no need
> to label he said (wonderful doctor). BUt now i feel in limbo like does he has hvae it or is this what all other kids
> go through?

> I guess i want to know more so i can help him prepare for life. and make life easier the best way i can, does
> that make sense?

It makes perfect sense.

I think the response about Asperger's being a spectrum contains a second implication besides it being difficult to make a diagnosis, especially remotely. That second implication is that AS is variable enough, it is difficult to make predictions better than the ones you can make already. From your description, my best guess is that within the next five years your son should be able to understand a description of AS well enough that he can make his own decision how much of it applies to him, and what information is useful to him. Do you think you can wait that long?

The main benefits of a diagnosis at this point would seem to be more certainty about what to expect, and being able to predict better what you can offer him as he grows up. It may seem paradoxical, but these two things do not always go together. My possibly biased opinion is that you have already done the best you can do. You spotted some aspie-like traits in your son, and just recognising those traits and collecting the information you have collected and are collecting gives you more knowledge of what could happen. This extra information may widen your range of possible predictions, rather than narrowing them down. This increased uncertainty may feel uncomfortable, but it could be a good thing in so far as knowing of AS gives you access to information that could be relevant. So increased uncertainty is a good thing if your original expectations did not include what eventually will happen, while your broadened expectations include what actually does. You will be prepared for a wider range of things than if you have illusory certainty.

I don't know whether my personal experience is relevant or interesting, but I offer it in case. Several people have independently suggested to me that I am an aspie, most of them with some background in psychology (how else would they know about AS?). My own reading indicated that AS involves some things that seem extremely familiar, others that are well outside my experience. I thought, on balance, it was not a diagnosis that fit. On the grounds that my own judgement might be biased (not seeing the beam in your own eye, kind of thing) I asked an acquaintance, who happens to be an expert (my job puts me in contact with a fair number of psychologists). He said I am definitely not an aspie. I did some more reading, and haven't spotted a recognised category that fits me. I decided some years ago that I don't need one, so long as I know the logic of what is going on, and that a formal diagnosis, if one exists, could be a definite drawback. The one thing I would have liked to have about 20 years ago is some explanation of why, from my point of view, normal peole are so wildly irrational. I needed something like a translation protocol from someone who had a point of view more compatible with mine than the average, and could give me an explanation. That would have improved my social life a lot.

Knowing of AS puts you in a position to understand your son better if he has aspie traits, and you will be able to point him in the direction of useful information if you judge he needs it and can use it. At this moment, you are probably the best judge of the extent to which your son has aspie traits. I expect that is far better for prediction of what to expect than a formal yes/no diagnosis, which is really the application of a semi-arbitrary cutoff point to a number of separate traits. What you already know of your son is likely more useful than that. Here you can also meet the parents of other aspie kids, exchange information, and see whether it helps you and your son.

A formal diagnosis would be useful primarily if you think he needs specific support from organisations or people that do require a formal diagnosis. For example if he should have trouble at school, would his teachers need a label to justify doing something special for him? Seeing that he already knows multiplication when other kids his age are just learning to add, you might have the dilemma that he is bored by lessons too basic for him, but letting him skip a class may not be good for social reasons, or he might be that good in only some subjects. Would the school then need a formal label to justify giving him more demanding things to do in some classes, or can they just do something informally?

Executive summary: I think you are doing just fine.

Regards

Gromit



BeeveSniffers
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 18

25 May 2006, 8:29 am

oh my goodness Gromit you wrote a lot! Thank you for putting so much time into my questions! I really appreciate it. What you said makes so much sense.

I feel that if I were to get a diagnosis and he knew about it it would be upsetting to him. So if there is no need at this point i don't see a reason yet in doing it. Like you said maybe wait until he can understand it better. He is functional he makes friends and does well there are just a few areas of concerns but on a overall basis he is fine.

I have pretty much suspected he does have AS at least a mild form of it. So i have been reading a lot and using what i read with him to help certain situations, like flexibility, tantrums etc. But I felt like i needed to talk to someone about it to get it out. That’s why I have been reading a lot of the posts here trying to gather more info.

I definitely feel worried now that i know that anxiety is one of the moving forces for some of his behavior, before i had no clue why e was the way he was but once i read and knew i feel good knowing and I don’t...ignorance was blissful for awhile, but he is my son and I should know so I can better prepare him. As his mommy i just want to know that he will be okay that he will live a full filling life, that’s all.

He is VERY bored in class all the stuff they are learning now is stuff he learned when he was 3 and four and before school started. I feel bad he is bored the teacher will not give him any extra work because she says they are not supposed to and what if she gives him second grade work then what will he do in second grade?...He excels in all areas in the class right now everything is too easy for him, so i tell him use this time to practice legibility (because he rushes when he writes) and to makes friends. When he comes home i have him do his regular homework then i give him extra stuff not too much to overwhelm him but enough to stimulate his brain and challenge him a bit or keep him up on his toes.

I do not want him to skip a grade because I fear he needs to learn certain social situations that kids learn at that age, even though I see at times he is frustrated with kids his own age he doesn't understand why they don't get it. He definitely gets along famously with kids a bit older. I have to wait until the 4th grade to even think about gifted classes the school says. I am not really sure what to do. i can't really afford private school. what do you think about the school stuff any suggestions or leave as is????



Gromit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 May 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,286
Location: In Cognito

25 May 2006, 11:46 am

> He is VERY bored in class all the stuff they are learning now is stuff he learned when he was 3 and four and before school
> started. I feel bad he is bored the teacher will not give him any extra work because she says they are not supposed to and what
> if she gives him second grade work then what will he do in second grade?

The obvious answer is that in second grade, he would do third or perhaps fourth grade material, and so on. Not knowing the teacher, I can't judge her motive for her resistance to giving your son more advanced material. There is the not so reasonable one of disliking the extra work. Two reasonable motives could be concern about classroom discipline and about bullying. Imagine the following scenario. Other pupil: "Miss, this is boring! Why do I have to do this? He gets to do something else when he is bored!". If the teacher then tries to solve the discipline issue by giving the real reason "because he already knows this", which kids can easily convert into "because he's smarter than you", it could set up your son as teacher's pet, and make him a target for bullying.

I have a notion that I am not best qualified to advise on social interaction, but I have a general strategy I tend to use to compensate for my unintentionally upsetting people. I can't judge how effective it is, it's just the best I can come up with, and I hope it works. It is based on the principle that some people are born unreasonable, some are made unreasonable, but some have unreasonableness thrust upon them. Nothing can be done about the first, so the aim is to do something about the second and third. If I can come up with a reasonable motive for what I think is an unreasonable action, and if this reasonable motive can be addressed, my approach is to say something like "I am guessing that you do [whatever it is] because you [insert reasonable motive here]. My reason for wanting [something else] is [insert your own reasonable motive]. Is there anything I have overlooked, and can we achieve both our aims?" That makes it easier to avoid pushing people into being unreasonable, and it may even work on some who are unreasonable and know it, but don't want to admit it. Give them some reasonable motive instead, and they may claim that for their own, perhaps even making it their own. If you can then address the reasonable concern, it makes it a little harder for them to come up with excuses. You stop that strategy from becoming manipulative by inserting the question whether you have overlooked something, so that if you have, it can be brought into the discussion.

Addressing specifically issues of schooling, I am well out of my depth, not having children myself. Keep that health warning in mind when thinking about what follows. I can offer some brain storming, but for useful advice you need someone who knows more than I do.

My primary concern would be that your son gets a firm impression that school is not a place where he can learn anything, never mind something interesting. One of my brothers had that problem, not because he already knew what he was taught, but because he was simply not yet ready for school. After a few months, the school authorities admitted that my mother had been right and told her to bring my brother back in the next school year, but the damage had been done. That is a concern which should interest the school. I have a notion that mentioning AS in that context could be counterproductive, as many people would consider it a disability, and so the solutions they would come up with would tend not to involve giving your son more advanced problems.

A secondary concern is that your son might get so bored that he becomes disruptive. At that point, mentioning AS might get the school off thinking of your son as simply a brat. You could then argue that AS and boredom make for a bad combination, that there is nothing to be done about AS, but that it would be easy to do something about boredom. Apart from the same risk as above, the dilemma is that waiting until that point is not good, but starting out with the argument before your son might get disruptive effectively makes AS, and by extension any aspie kid, into a threat to the smooth running of the school. That would not be good either. People's responses to what they consider threats are often not reasonable.

Depending on how much time you have available, you could try home schooling as either a supplement or an alternative. You effectively use the supplement option already, but if you base it on a home schooling course, you have some ready made material at hand. You could tell your son that this is what the school will do, so that whatever interesting challenge he does get is at least indirectly associated with school.

And if you can find a way of explaining why the school finds it difficult to give him things to do that are new and challenging, without implicitly undermining the authority of the teacher, it might make it easier for your son to wait until school catches up with him. Unfortunately, I have no idea how you could find such an explanation.

You may be interested in the book "The Man Who Loved Only Numbers", by Paul Hoffman, a biography of the mathematician Paul Erdos. The book does not mention AS anywhwere, as far as I can remember (it has been a while since I read it), but Erdos seems to me very aspie-like in his social interactions. His practical intelligence was also not highly developed, but academically he was a genius, and he lived a rich and fulfilling life, doing something that is both fascinating and often enough useful. I doubt that many can count themselves so lucky.

Regards

Gromit



summer
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 23 May 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 220
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York, USA

25 May 2006, 2:27 pm

Hi there,

I'm new too but from what I read, symptoms can be helped by early diagnosis and treatment.

I attached some links to some videos. These were hard for me to find yet very helpful.

http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/vie ... MB&dur=187

http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/vie ... 30&dur=867

Sorry, these links are terribly long...but worth it to view :!:



spacemonkey
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 639
Location: Atlanta, Ga

25 May 2006, 8:14 pm

A lot of what you are saying sounds similar to AS.
I was not too bad with the social stuff when I was a kid. I had lots of friends, but I can think back now on times when things just didn't make sense to me, and now I know why.

It's great to see parents coming around here and wanting to understand rather that just seeking a quick cure.

I wish my parents had understood a little better that my positive traits, and negative ones were intertwined.

I heard somewhere that there is nothing more stressful than being held accountable for what you can not control.


_________________
"I was made to love magic, all its wonder to know, but you all lost that magic many many years ago."
N Drake


BeeveSniffers
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 18

26 May 2006, 12:04 am

Thank you spacemonkey. I went to see my therapist for unrelated issues tonight and i disscussed what i thought my son has AS and he said he works with alot of Autistic and Asperger children and what i have described tells him he does not have it. That if he is social then he does not have AS becasue AS is a social disorder. Does that ring true to you, since you say you were not too bad on the social realm. He also said that a lot of the things described about my son can be traits of many "normal" children that they are not exclusive to AS children. Do you think different? Or have an opinion?

Summer and Gromit thank you for your posts they really helped out alot and I appriciate the time you put in writing and finding those links for me. All of you have been so helpful to me. I am sorry i havent reply back to each of them, i run a family child care with 7 kids most of them under five and so it is hard for me to get back and write but i can print it out and read while making lunch and so forth :D Thank you