Affection/accommodation issues...

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Hiya. Female NT with male aspie significant other.

Right now the relationship is long-distance, has been for a while, will be for at least another three-or-so months. Right now we text, email, and Skype. Since learning that he's an aspie, my reactions toward his behavior (which previously I took to be thoughtless and even mean) have changed because I'm better able to understand why he says (or doesn't say) certain things; I also text him a lot less, which has cut down on arguing a lot. We both care about each other, but he hates "being sappy," which basically encompasses talking about anything sentimental or sexual -- he says it makes him sad or sounds trite or reminds him of things we can't currently do being so far apart, so there's no point to it. I get where he's coming from, but being far apart makes me want some sort of affirmation that I'm still wanted -- it is hard to feel secure in a relationship when you live 3000 miles away from each other, can't touch, can't visit often, have silly arguments over miscommunication frequently, both have plenty of friends of the opposite sex to worry about, and just about never verbally affirm feelings.

I've brought all of this up to him on numerous occasions, but he doesn't get it. I'm probably not phrasing things correctly, but I don't know how I should phrase them. It seems like he just assumes things won't change between us -- however, I've had more relationship experience than he has and have learned that assuming the other person feels the same as you do is not reliable.

So, I guess my question is: Do you think there's any way for me to get him to see this from my perspective and see it as an actual issue? Because right now, he acts like it's just another silly complaint, when for me a relationship like this can seem very lonely. (I'm not trying to "change" him -- I just think we really aren't on the same page with this.) And if I do get him to see it my way, then what? I don't want to tell him to say a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean just for my sake... maybe there's something we can actually do instead? I don't know, help me out...

Careful there, girlfriend. I've been there, and it ate my heart. I'm aspie myself, so I put up with a lack of input/compliments/effort for years. If you love him, you'll tend to do that kind of thing. However, here is what I learned: at some point if he's not willing to accommodate or listen to your needs then it can get to be...well, an abusive relationship. Your needs matter, too, and someone who cares for you should at some level be able to make an effort.

Being aspie means there need to be some accommodations, forgiveness and help--but ultimately, he also needs to step up and put in some effort. Relationships are two way streets. If you can accommodate his needs, then he also needs to make an effort to accommodate yours. You'll have to decide how much is enough and how little is a deal breaker--and I'd urge you to figure this out soon before you find yourself in my position--married for 22 years to a man who silences me everytime I open my mouth--because I was always willing to do that before to keep him comfortable and at ease. Turns out I needed that reassurance and a compliment here and there after all.

I hope things improve for you one way or another; I am divorced, myself, so to an extent I can understand what you're going through. Good luck making some sort of decision, because that's the hardest part...

For my own situation, I'd still rather find a way to present the topic in a way that'll make him really understand my side, 'cause right now it feels like we aren't using the same language, so to speak... thoughts?

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but since you argue all the time and have different emotional stances, perhaps it just isn't meant to be?

I have been in a similar situation myself with my Aspie ex. Well, we argued all the time anyway, and recently when we were talking again she told me she didn't see the point of relationships at all anymore.

Us Aspies often have problems with emotions and they can cause a lot of stress and hurt in relationships. At least, until we find someone we're truly compatible with. Or maybe the last part is just wishful thinking.

I appreciate the input, guys, but I'm not really asking whether I should break up with this person -- that's the sort of conclusion I'd have to arrive at entirely on my own. All I really want to know is whether I'm being reasonable in this situation, whether he's being reasonable in this situation, and if there's anything that either of us can do to make things easier while we're apart.

I think you should read Rudy Simone's book, 22 Things A Woman Should Know if she Loves a Man with Asperger's. It may help you figure out what to expect, in general. Like I said before, Asperger's isn't an excuse for him to be rude, to not try or to deny your needs.