Long-distance relationship, changing lives

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I could use someone to talk to right now but since I don't have anyone right now, I figured I might as well post it over here. Ventventventvent

There's a guy I know, I'll call him Jake in this post, he's from England and I'm from the Netherlands. We met about 3 years ago because we played the same online game and visited a gaming-related forum. I really, really like him (not in love, but I am quite crazy about him), and told him so about 6 - 12 months ago. We've been lovey dovey ever since, Skyping for hours and hours in a row, every day we can, and we even met each other for the very first time last week. It was awesome. We cuddled, we kissed, and cried when we had to say goodbye.

But now, I'm worried. He's going to university, and moved in there today. Things will change. They're already changing. He hasn't been online today. I texted him, but he didn't text me back. He'll be busier. Away. We won't be able to Skype as much, if we can Skype at all. And of course, he could meet someone else and just... choose her over me.

Just the thought of losing him is driving me crazy. I don't know what I'll do. It's 12, midnight, right now and I have to get up at 6 because of work but I cannot sleep. I don't know what to do. I miss him already. Any advice would be most welcome... thank you for reading, anyway.

have you thought about attending university as well to keep busy? keeping busy can often prevent you from perseverating.

Thank you for your reply.

I have a parttime job (24 hours a week, 8 hours per day) and I have my own little company. Every now and then, I go out with friends. It's not that I don't have anything to do, it's mostly the evenings that I'm going to miss him. And just the idea that there is someone out there, caring about you and wondering how you are, that, I will certainly miss. It's nice to know you're not "alone". It's nice to know that sooner or later, you will be able to talk about something, anything to a good friend. I wouldn't just be losing a lover, I'd be losing my potentially best friend as well.

I guess I know that I'd get over it if he really "dumps" me, but it will be hell for sure. Not looking forward to it. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone like him again.

Well there really isn't a future in this situation. Your just two individuals with differing life circumstances and he will want to focus on his time at university. To maintain this relationship would be determental to both of you in enabling you to grow as young adults. Its a pain in the arse these situations cause it falls down to circumstances that are both out of your control, he probably realises this himself but is uncertain how to put this across to you without hurting your feelings (possibly)

You probably realise this is a possibility yourself but are too emotionally invested in the situation to simply cut loose and cold turkey the long lasting friendship you have developed over 3 years.

Realistically, your gonna get burned, but you'l learn from it and come out a more mature and stronger individual as a consequence all part of coming of age

We talked about the situation several times before. We both said that it is troublesome but also contemplated one of us just moving over to the other country if we manage to stay together for years. I told him that if one of us meets someone else, I think it'd be him since he'll be going to uni, meeting new people all over the place whilst I 'hang' with the same people all the time. And that if he finds someone, I'd wish them both the best because in the end I just want him to be happy. In reaction to that, he started crying and said, "But I don't want anyone else, I just want you. I don't care if there is someone just as awesome as you... it wouldn't be you."

Which he might say now, but I reckon that once he does meet someone who's "just as awesome", he will sooner or later forget about me.



Probably. I feel like I'm just in a hopeless situation, like it is doomed to fail miserably in the end. But thing is... I'd rather do something and see it fail miserably than not do or try anything at all. Because I'd die thinking about "what could have been" whilst I could actually be out there trying it. Reason be that I don't just want to "give up" on this relationship... not yet, anyway. We might find a way to deal with all of this, and we might still have a great time together, even if in a different or less intensive way. It's just that I'm scared of getting hurt, and that is hurting me.

Yeah...

You have GOT to give it up. You two are at different intersections of life and university is a vastly different world. Most relationships don't survive a) the distance and b) the divergence of interests.

Okay, now if you're 100% willing to be manipulative, you move into the town next to the university and get him to move in with you sharing a flat/condo/whatever. You could choose to get knocked up (100% bad bad bad) and then you'd have the guy (or a part of him) forever. But moving in and fending off the potential suitors is your better option.

Trips, frequent visits, etc. are not going to keep him interested in you nor deny his ability to meet other women (unless it's seminary which frowns heavily upon that sort of stuff).

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to try and catch up in 1,2,3 and then 4 years time during a common vacation to "touch base" and see if you two share the same common interests. Go with an open dating policy because you are just as likely to find someone else closer to you than the person he will likely become.

Well you are making the effort you are expressing your feeling to others and seeking insight from other people.

I only say this will end badly, because 99% of the time it does. You may be the exception but I would rather deal with the more prevailing reality then give you false hope or build up unrealistic expectations.

How you deal with this situation is simply going to be down to you and your individual makeup. All I can say is i imagine a few of us, myself included, have been in similair situations to yourself and have some idea of the emotions you are going to.

Whatever becomes of the situation you should think of the fact that you have found someone out there in the world who you did share moments of emotional intimacy with and that should give you the reassurance that you are someone who can love and be loved by others. If your life circumstances and having aspergers have given you a rather turbulant ubringing so far then clearly you feel emotionally vulnerable bruised and are afraid of falling into an abyss of despair. You should bare in mind that some people can go through their entire lives never meeting other people that they bond with and have an emotional connection too. This entire sub-forum of wrong planet is filled with the stories of such people for examples. So already you are in a privlaged position and regardless of the pain you are about to go through that is something you need to bare in mind and build on.

By what you say it sounds like you are in conflict at wanting to try and make a go of things with a part of you also realising that an inevitable fate is approaching. Whatever you decide, whichever part of you wins out you will need to commit 100% to that decision else you are simply going to prolong the emotional roller coaster for a longer period of time then is neccesary.

I wish you luck, but as I said, you will come out of this a more grown and mature person.

Don't be hasty.
This relationship can certainly work.

If the love is strong enough, the relationship can indeed survive.

People can be strong enough to carry these relationships out.

There doesn't have to be negativity fueled in this situation.

The emotions you feel are natural Daniella - that kind of fear and discomfort does happen at the beginning of a relationship but you know - this does not have to end at all.
The relationship may be a lot stronger than you think. ^^

I wish you the best of fortune and circumstances in this, Daniella.
^^

You and him may indeed be a great match. ^^

He's been busy today as well... but he does text me saying that he misses me. I don't know. I might be able to get used to the fact that he'll simply be online a lot less, it's just that I'm not that great at changing routines. We used to Skype practically every night.

I'm not ready to give up on this yet, even if I know we won't end up getting married or anything and that we'll both get hurt sooner or later... first I'm going to wait to see if this changes, to see if he'll have some time left for me, see if this relationship can still give me more joy than pain.

If it doesn't, I should probably end this.

I've been in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met online for 2 years. I'm a college student, jobs were way more plentifful near him than near me, it can work but when he got a job after being unemployed it was really hard adjusting to talking whenever we wanted to having to leave him alone to do his work during the day. It's a big adjustment. It can work though, but he has to want to find time for you. He has to be willing to, or you're both wasting your time.

YES. And he did he made time for me yesterday. We Skyped all evening. As long as he makes some time for me every now and then, I can see this working, at least for the time being. I told him this too when he said he's afraid he'll lose me. Happy we can be open about this.