does any of this even make sense?

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So, I’ve been feeling crippled lately. I believe this feeling has been brought on by a host of reasons, but in thinking about why I feel this way one reason seems to stick out more so then the others; but first let me expand on the nature of this crippling feeling. It seems that this feeling stems primarily from social interaction. I find it remarkably difficult to hold a conversation, and what I say is usually so far from what I’m thinking about, that when I go to articulate some general observation about the current situation (or whatever the case may be, in response to somebody attempting to converse with me) it usually comes out with bad timing and lacking vocal control (usually monotonous and quiet). This type of response from me is typical; and I can tell it puts people off from wanting to talk to me. It just seems that I’m incapable of commanding a boisterous voice that rings with a promising tone of good things to come. I think that I lack the ability to maintain a voice of that sort because I’m just not a very good actor. The problem may be that I don’t necessarily see with any reliable certainty that in fact significantly good things are to come; and for this reason I find it difficult to maintain this elusive positive outlook that something extraordinarily good is just over the horizon.

From this perceived disinterest (at least that’s what I assume it looks like; although I have a sneaking suspicion that tells me their interpretation of my actions lie more so in the mentally deficient area) my peers see fit to isolate me, and I’m certain ridicule me to some degree; which I have found to be a favorite pastime of most people, and that is the depreciation of other people behind their backs. I usually avoid this type conversation all together, but sometimes find myself defending people behind their backs. I feel that this may annoy other people, as this topic is actually what they were putting their energy into, and here I come to humble them and preach tolerance/understanding. I do have some idea as to when an action is unfavorable, and then I may let the ridicule slide, but I usually don’t condemn people for trivial mistakes or character flaws; but this is usually how I converse with people when I do converse with them, otherwise it’s just the basic nonsensical “hey, how are you?”. Which I find those exchanges to be contemptible and I usually don’t initiate them because I feel that I’m imposing an expectation on them when I do; which is essentially the whole reason I’m writing this, and I’d rather not be too hypocritical or contradictory.

The thing is, to a large degree, I see the mechanics by which other people operate; because these are the same mechanics that I operate by as well, but they are less expressed in me. The first sentence of this paragraph leads to an entirely different topic about value assessment and the pursuit of a certain thing based upon expected reward; but this is already getting long and I have more to say. Sure, I miss out on subtle cues and am clumsy as all get out, but I can usually get a vague grasp of what exactly is going on if I pay attention, it’s just my response time that is delayed. I find that others seem to act intuitively, but I on the other hand, evaluate what exactly is going on and attempt to contrive a proper response by weighing a few different options. In my studies I have mastered the perception of impatience, and this will often lead to a rushed response. So I usually know what the another person is attempting to convey, even when the context hasn’t been established (which pragmatics seems to be a large contributor to my inept social ways), but it’s a delayed response time and a growing impatience in my peer’s face that forces me to quickly detach from what it is that I was thinking prior to their engaging me and come up with a response within the limits of their patients. This I believe leads others to believe that I’m dull, as I’m usually forced to go with the quickest and most efficient means of confirmation that expresses I understand what they just said. Or I just shut down and remain quiet. So I am aware of the things others would probably assume I’m not aware of, but it just seems to boil down to different modes of thought.

It seems to me that thought can be cut into two broad categories, on one extreme you have a state of flow (where things are intuitive and almost instinctual) and on the opposite end you have a very rigid type of analysis (where each nuance needs to be accounted for, and a sort of separation from self in order to gain a less muddled interpretation of a thing that takes place). Which seems to be a difference in the compartmentalization of things, and to what degree things are separated from the investigator or to what degree things are representative of the investigators self. This might translate into a person’s personality; because what is a person’s personality but a series of socially reinforced behaviors that that person then associates with themselves? I will have to admit to having been accused of lacking a personality. I have always found myself attempting to make sense of things in the social realm, which usually just leads to frustration. It’s difficult to predict motives or even understand them after they occur. It has always just seemed that I must be missing out on something. Even though I’m almost certain that I have a solid grasp on what it is that people’s motives are; none of it seems to appeal to me. It just seems the same game over and over again. Sure there are unique qualities to each interaction, but not so unique as to escape my understanding of the social game. I have chased after the reason to these motives in the past (by attempting to become socially active) but to no avail. Not to say that I wasn’t relatively successful at the social game, but it just didn’t meet my expectations.

Let me provide an analogy to all of this. In a forest, a tree exists within two worlds. The most readily available and presentable one would be on the surface; the other world existing below the surface as the roots. Initially when you see the forest one can just sand in awe and appreciate its aesthetic appeal. Upon entering the forest one fairly quickly will recognize differences among the tree’s; height, width, angles, color, est. A majority of people will simply use these differences in the vegetation as a navigational tool. But some will find that their talents and interests lie within what causes the trees to manifest themselves in the manner that they do. At certain points one’s ability to navigate through the forest are tested, but in some cases that person may have been uncovering the roots of a particular tree in order to understand more about it. When called into question the person may be disorientated when required to pull themselves away from what they had just been doing prior. After a failed presentation of one’s ability to navigate the forest, it’s easy to see that others may interoperate this as a sort of ineptness and being ostracized or ostracizing one’s self from the group as a result wouldn’t be out of the question. While you know of the surface worlds interactions’ through a vague probabilistic concept, your interaction with the surface world isn’t on par with the others who spend most of their time attempting new acrobatic feats. When you attempt to present some discovery you have made about the nature of a particular tree, you would often find that it conflicts with somebody else’s associated meaning of that tree.

To provide an example for the situation above: Say there is a tree that is on the outskirts of a desert, half of it being in fertile soil and half of it being in sand. Through some miracle (it would seem) the tree has remained healthy in spite of its condition. Well say a couple had planted that seed, and say they believed their love is what has kept the tree from being overcome by its circumstances. Also say that you have decided to investigate and come to find that the tree has remained the way it is through a connected network of roots; and the other trees are providing nutrients to the misfortunate one. Your finding is in direct conflict with that couples belief, as it turns out your sharing this information won’t lead to a favorable situation.

While studying the tree you can come to find a good many things about it, but it’s usually only to bolster your understanding of the forest; as its inhabitants don’t care. They seem to be interested in the wind rushing through their hair as they run around the forest to find the next prospect for their daring feat. And after one of these feats they may offer a challenge of sorts and find you feeble when you need to trace along the network of roots in order to navigate to where the challenge ground is.

It seems that my interest is below the surface; in analyzing the intricacies of the forests root network and the processes and influences by which the trees take shape. I know of the forest and the potential landscapes it may lie privy to, but my ambitions are to discover rather than to entertain. I don’t believe this hinders my ability to appreciate the magnificence of the forest, though I may not be able to articulate my appreciation for it or interact with the same finesse as others; I am still able to see the forest for the wonder that it is. But beyond that I am also able to dissect what it is that makes the tree interesting; or a flower beautiful. I know of some of the cells within a flower and a few of the processes by which the flower functions. The fact that the color of the plant is a consequence of evolution in order to attract insects to pollinate it, is beautiful in itself. I know that the color that I see is the result of the different pigments in my eye being stimulated by certain wavelengths on the electromagnetic spectrum. The intricate dance within a system that produce what it is that we see are magnificent in their own right.

I can’t seem to escape this feeling of inferiority though. Its painful. I dont even know why im submiting this or why I even wrote it, as if some sequence of words is going to change something. Maybe I just want feedback, confirmation one way or the other as to whether im justified in my feeling inferior or whether its simply a result of social isolation and discrete ridicule; or both.

Whew! First of all, welcome to Wrong Planet. I understood everything you wrote but now I have a slight headache

because I have trouble keeping my eyes on track. I am one of those ones who would rather be feeling the wind in my hair and

marveling about the majesty of the tree, but I would also very much like to learn about the intricacies of it's construction. I just don't

have the necessary focus to do the research. I'm happy to let someone else do it for me. If I am around people that are new to me,

it is likely that my tension will make my intended voice tone come out as forced and they do pick up on that. I cannot banter. I

don't know how. I hate it when people stand around denigrating people for small sins behind their back. I don't say anything but

they definitely pick up on my lack of participation. Anyway, I hope you like it here.