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samtoo
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03 Oct 2010, 9:55 pm

I'm impossible I know.
There's a freight train of emotion in me and it never gets satisfied... it's reached a peak perhaps but the peak is really effin' painful.

I desperately need romance in my life. I've had it with being in the house all the time with injustices, heartbreak, trauma, feelings of inferiority, arrogance, rage, uncomfortable anger, sorrow, lack of understanding of my mind, fear of everything that can be feared going on in my head without someone there to soothe it.


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azbluesgal
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03 Oct 2010, 10:15 pm

I also desperately long for that physical/emotional connection but experienced and cautious enough not to fall for the first pretty face or butt that happens along. It's not that I don't have opportunities - even if i am old - i am actually quite hot (it's really embarrassing when guys half my age are hitting on me). Tried a lot of Plenty of Fish, and other sites, but gave up on that finally. it's too hard "explaining" myself online, and then "interviewing" in person. I am just going to places I like to go and do the things I like to do - eventually the right person will cross my path. Yeah, but even old farts like me like a pair of arms wrapped around us and a sweet voice telling us everything is going to be all right. with love, Zig (HUGS FOR YOU) :lol:



samtoo
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03 Oct 2010, 10:20 pm

Thank you azbluesgal. :)
I wish you the very best with it all. :) ^^

Yeah I'm thinking things in great detail.
I am so unhappy with what my ex has done... if she hadn't done that though, I might be unhappy because of loneliness and other junk anyway, but I don't need the hopeful memories she gave me that are now pointless but stuck there.
I don't know if I have the heart for love or the desire...
Obviously there is something very deep in me right now that needs to be fixed, and I think it extends far into the depths of mental health.

However, I'm very lonely, and it couldn't hurt for me to look around for a partner, but I might prove a liability in my current state of mind if I were lucky.


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HopeGrows
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03 Oct 2010, 10:35 pm

OP, please, please get yourself to a therapist and/or psychiatrist. You're struggling with depression and IMO, some unrealistic expectations about the difference a partner can make in your life.

I know you were devastated by your break-up, but I haven't seen any sense of urgency on your part to take a look at how you may have contributed to the demise of the relationship. (Not saying you haven't written about that - just that I haven't seen it.) IMO, you at least have to look at how your own behavior might need to change before you embark on another relationship. If you don't, you may be dooming yourself to repeat the same heartbreak with another woman.


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samtoo
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03 Oct 2010, 10:45 pm

I think I know exactly what my problem was HopeGrows.
My problem was telling my ex exactly what was going on in my head when she asked me to tell her - at the time I was suffering from OCD Pure O - I think I still have powerful OCD but not in the form of Pure O I don't think - and it was saying the most horrible things about her which disturbed me a lot.
I thought this was honourable and speaking the truth about what my head was doing - it was what she asked for me to say... I didn't do wrong there.
I don't think I did anything that a faithful person couldn't deal with.

And that might not have been what messed it up overall but it might have been a factor.


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HopeGrows
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04 Oct 2010, 12:00 am

samtoo wrote:
I don't think I did anything that a faithful person couldn't deal with.


But see, that's the thing, OP....it kinda always comes back to the sentiment above. You seem to have this kind of overwhelming sense of victimization about the failure of this relationship that I don't understand. I know you're disappointed and depressed. I know this hit you very hard....but if this girl couldn't deal with your mental health issues, then isn't it better that she moved on? It seems like you keep going back to this idea that if she were somehow a better person, you'd still be together. She reached her limit - that doesn't make either one of you bad people - it just makes you incompatible long-term partners. I think if you accepted that, it might really help you heal.


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samtoo
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04 Oct 2010, 12:08 am

Hopegrows, I have nothing else in life to look forward to though.
Denver beat the heck out of Telford.
I think my particular ability is forming creativity out of strong mental imagery - well with strong mental imagery comes a lot of stuff about memories and junk.
I masochistically have a sexual fetish when I look at stuff and fantasize about, right now, stuff that's emotionally too powerful for me to deal with.
There might be a condition or two developing without diagnosis for all I know.
I am very paranoid and I sometimes feel like the world is trying to hurt me, politicians are trying to wreck me, nature is shunning me as a weak link, or some other things.
My music is the only thing that pleases me but I question the credibility of that as well.
I am very lazy and I struggle to be motivated.
Being with her was easily the best thing that ever happened to me because every other phase in my life has been pretty dreadful.
I'm at home all the time and I question everything that can be questioned... I'm politically charged in my head and I feel terribly depressed about the heavy thoughts.
I can't relate to anyone and I feel as though I'm meant to fail or something.

What am I supposed to do?


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hale_bopp
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04 Oct 2010, 12:12 am

Its really really hard to change your lifestyle. I've been in that trap before, and I may fall back into it (I hope not)

Is there something - apart from a GF - you want more than ever?

Also. Sunshine helps. Not with heartbreak, but with general health and mood. You'll deal better with heart break better out in the sun than you will in bed with the blinds down. Even if its just a pinch.



samtoo
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04 Oct 2010, 12:48 am

lol I need a lifestyle to happen to begin with.
I want to become a world class musician and maybe even rather well known in that field as well; I'm only intermediate however, and to become professional, and then even better still, and even better still after that, would take years and years and years of practice and things.
The guitar obviously isn't a human being so I need a balance.

More important than that though is to be able to love people. I need to be able to love, in the universal sense of the term.

I want more social diversity than just some occasional things happening with planned events and family life.

I need a structure... but not just any structure - a structure I will find fun, and take seriously.


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Happiness never decreases by being shared.


Laz
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04 Oct 2010, 2:57 am

Epoxe+super glue = job done



sluice
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04 Oct 2010, 3:07 am

The obvious answer to focus all your energy and heartbreak into your music. World class doesn't come easy to most, and those that do make it have to make huge sacrifices in their personal lives. You may well fail, but you will have tried.