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Joe90
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04 Oct 2010, 3:54 pm

Is there anyone else here who is angry with yourself?
I get so angry with myself a lot. I just feel I'm the cause of everyone's stress. I feel I'm not normal. I feel my parents will be better off if I was dead. I'm scared I will run my mum into an early grave, and because I'm feeling so anxious and frightened of getting a job in that big wide world full of misunderstanding NTs, I feel I'm clinging to her more than I ever did. I felt so happy at school because I got all the help I needed, and was well looked after and felt secure, but now the social services don't want to know. They think I'm OK enough to get on with it, just because I'm grown-up. That isn't always the point. Just because you're grown-up, doesn't mean you magically turn into a NT and live happily ever after. (I wish that could happen, but it don't, unfortunately.)

Anyway let's cut to the chase here. I've been getting so angry with myself in the passed nine months that I've found myself running myself down a lot. I am not satisfed with anything about me. I hate my height, my figure, my posture, my personality, my looks, my name, my voice, my hair colour, my eye-colour, even my skin-colour (very pale). And there's a lot more I hate about myself, and everyone around me says they'll do anything to have my figure and my name and my height. But I'm still not satisfied. And I wonder if it's because I've got so angry with myself. And I'm angry with myself because I feel embarrassed of really daft things I have done in my childhood. And I know it's easy for people to say, ''you must put your childhood behind you,'' but sometimes you can't because you've done such terriblly embarrassing things that people often remember you by them. Like when I was 10, I was laying on the floor in the street because my mum was talking to her friend, and her friend had a 10 year old aswell who outgrew that along time ago, and now I feel embarrassed about it because 10 is a little old to be laying on the ground in the street. And also when I was 14, I was swearing loud in a restaurant because a kid was crying loud near me and my mum said people were looking at me and she felt embarrassed. And there are other things like that which are now making me feel very angry with myself. I feel like my childhood has come back to haunt me, and now I'm freaking out about it. I can't forget about it because it's other things what are making me angry with myself too, like causing my mum all this stress ever since the day I started school, right up to this very day, and I don't know if it's my guilty conscience playing games with my mind and is making me angry, or if I've developed paranoia.
Another thing is I go out in public feeling very self-conscious, and I'm getting so aware of myself and concentrating so much on acting really normal in the street that I overdo it and end up not acting normal by showing that I'm over self-conscious. Or (worse) I worry and wonder if I look like a geek, then I get told that I walk out dressed like a geek. So it's like I'm acting self-conscious but not exactly knowing how to do anything about it, and it makes me wonder if I go out every day looking and acting like ''the village idiot'' or something. That also makes me angry because this poxy f*****g AS is giving me more stress than it's worth and I'm getting sick of it now.

All I know is that something has set all this anger, anxiety and paranoia off, and I wonder if it's just my childhood haunting me. Does anyone else feel embarrassed or ashamed of yourself when you think of things you do what is making you angry with yourself?


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Clyde
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04 Oct 2010, 6:35 pm

Um....this is going to stand ridiculous.

But when I read this...I started crying. Because this is how I feel exactly.

But my childhood doesn't effect me. It's more the feeling that as an adult I am more a ghost. No one is really interested in me, as if I am transparent. But then again I don't want them to look at me. Because I hate everything about me. Because everything about me isn't right. Even so I wish someone would convince me wrong.

I am so angry, sad, and I don't how to fix anything. I keep making mistakes. Maybe I was the kind of person who can't have anything. Maybe my life is better just being a ghost.



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04 Oct 2010, 10:47 pm

Yeah I'm constantly frustrated with myself.

I tend to be able to meet people fine, but as soon as there's a deeper connection that starts to build I'm full of fail.


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MXH
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04 Oct 2010, 11:05 pm

I have similar thoughts but I'm not angry at myself. Rather I have simply given up on myself. I won't be able to accomplish anything and I've always been good at giving up.



ToughDiamond
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05 Oct 2010, 5:57 am

Yes I get this a lot. I trace it back to my parents and (to a lesser extent) teachers who often told me how disappointed they were in me. I think that self-loathing always has its roots in that kind of thing - tell a child often enough that they suck, and the child will eventually come to believe it deepdown.

So on a bad day, I see myself as a complete failure. I've wasted most of my life failing with relationships, and I still seem to think I can put that problem right, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I still stick doggedly to outmoded standards that nobody cares about any more. As for special interests, all they ever did for me was to pull me away from partners and friends. All the results I got were either useless or soon to be overtaken by technologists who were cleverer than I ever was - e.g. years of work making tape recorders until the digital recording revolution made the whole thing obselete. My life spirals inwards in ever-decreasing circles, and I do nothing to stop it. When I get home from work tonight, I'll just sit there like a hopeless blob....I won't seize the day, and so nothing will get better. I also hate my name and physical appearance. I should be working towards improvements in my life, but I just sit around and let things get worse, barely lifting a finger to set anything right until the problems are so intense that I have no choice. There are loads of opportunities for somebody so intelligent as I am, but I just let them go by...it seems I'd rather shrink into nothingness than step out of my comfort zone and run the risk of trying to achieve something.



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05 Oct 2010, 12:07 pm

I'm still too busy being angry at other people to be angry with myself.

Although, as I think on it, I believe I used to be angry with myself and that's what led to multiple suicide attempts in my late teens and twenties. Then I was just depressed and numb. Then I found out that have asperger's and all the anger came back except now it's directed at all those people who hurt me and drove me to a suicidal condition.

I'm angry at all the bullies who hurt me with words, boards, bleach, rocks, bottles, fists. I'm angry at all those teachers who let the bullies devour me like a tank of sharks. I'm angry at the teachers who bullied me with their words, including the teacher who put me in a cardboard box because she said it made her sick to look at me. I'm angry at the teachers for treating dysgraphia as if it were willfully bad behavior. Who decides that a child can't write legibly because they're bad?!

I'm angry at my mother for all the awful things she said and did to me. I'm angry at her for being a doctoral psychologist and *still* not understanding what was gong on with me because it was easier just to decide I was a "bad child" who was fatally flawed for some reason (not her fault!) and needed to be pushed out of her house so I didn't corrupt or harm her precious new baby. I'm angry at my father for not having enough spine to stand up to my mother and protect me from her (though he's the easiest to forgive because he also has asperger's and because he apologized to me twice in my twenties and said that he realized he had been abusive toward me.)

I'm angry at all my sexual abusers, including the family member who molested me from age 5 to age 15. I'm angry at everybody else in my family because I just discovered this year that everyone knew that he was a sexual abuser and all the other relatives protected their girl children from him but my parents did not protect me and I was even chastised when I refused to hug him, forced to give him a hug, and felt like vomiting when he fondled me sexually in that hug, right in front of the whole family!! ! And no one did anything, no one saw, no one stopped him . . but they KNEW he was a predator and forced me to hug him anyway as if nothing were amiss. I'm angry at the boy who pressured me to give him oral sex when I was 12 and continued to pressure me for sexual favors for the next three years until I left my parents' house. I'm angry with the men who took advantage of my homelessness to rape me. I'm angry with the men who took advantage of my poverty and social naivete to bring me into abusive relationships under the guise of protecting and helping me.

I'm angry at the vocational rehabilitation counselor who saw all the test results (that I now know wree a resultof asperger's, not super-craziness! We don't test well on psych evaluations like the MMPI) and told me that no one in his office could help me find employment or go to school and that I should get at least five years of therapy before I came back to his office. I'm angry at all the employers who fired me even though I came to work every day, on time, worked hard, learned my responsibilities quickly, and never had an outburst or meltdown at work. I'm angry that they would fire someone just for being different or creepy or whatever it was they didn't like about me. I'm angry at the homeless shelter for not protecting me from getting attacked on their property.

I'm sure I could go on ranting all morning, but I've made my point. There are far too many other people who are far more deserving of my anger than me. I hate to call myself a victim because I don't view myself that way, but I see so little to be angry at myself for. I was born with an alternate neurology that causes me to behave in ways that other people don't understand and don't want to be around, even when I'm in a good mood, pleasant, productive, and at my very best. I was thrown into the trash heap of life because my brain is different. I was abused for being disabled!

Why the hell should I be angry at myself? I'm not the one who went out of their way to try to squash another human being at every opportunity. I'm the one who's just trying to live my life in a confusing and often hostile world. I don't deserve my anger and, in fact, I make every attempt to give myself the love that was so long lacking in my life. I buy myself little presents. I make sure to schedule plenty of down time for myself. I congratulate myself on every milestone reached, every accomplishment attained.

I am nurturing myself and re-parenting myself and working hard to give myself every opportunity and blessing that was denied me by others. I hope some day to recover from all this anger I feel. But from the day that I learned that I was born with a different brain I have never turned my anger on myself again. Because I used to believe what people said about me being bad. But now I know the truth.


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Surfman
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05 Oct 2010, 12:53 pm

I come from a long line of quitters. I just quit before any anger has a chance to survive.

No anger for me! Life is too short



PHISHA51
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05 Oct 2010, 2:32 pm

Sometimes, I do get angry at myself after something happens I start to think "why did I say or do that"?


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j0sh
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05 Oct 2010, 3:27 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:
I'm still too busy being angry at other people to be angry with myself.

Although, as I think on it, I believe I used to be angry with myself and that's what led to multiple suicide attempts in my late teens and twenties. Then I was just depressed and numb. Then I found out that have asperger's and all the anger came back except now it's directed at all those people who hurt me and drove me to a suicidal condition.

I'm angry at all the bullies who hurt me with words, boards, bleach, rocks, bottles, fists. I'm angry at all those teachers who let the bullies devour me like a tank of sharks. I'm angry at the teachers who bullied me with their words, including the teacher who put me in a cardboard box because she said it made her sick to look at me. I'm angry at the teachers for treating dysgraphia as if it were willfully bad behavior. Who decides that a child can't write legibly because they're bad?!

I'm angry at my mother for all the awful things she said and did to me. I'm angry at her for being a doctoral psychologist and *still* not understanding what was gong on with me because it was easier just to decide I was a "bad child" who was fatally flawed for some reason (not her fault!) and needed to be pushed out of her house so I didn't corrupt or harm her precious new baby. I'm angry at my father for not having enough spine to stand up to my mother and protect me from her (though he's the easiest to forgive because he also has asperger's and because he apologized to me twice in my twenties and said that he realized he had been abusive toward me.)

I'm angry at all my sexual abusers, including the family member who molested me from age 5 to age 15. I'm angry at everybody else in my family because I just discovered this year that everyone knew that he was a sexual abuser and all the other relatives protected their girl children from him but my parents did not protect me and I was even chastised when I refused to hug him, forced to give him a hug, and felt like vomiting when he fondled me sexually in that hug, right in front of the whole family!! ! And no one did anything, no one saw, no one stopped him . . but they KNEW he was a predator and forced me to hug him anyway as if nothing were amiss. I'm angry at the boy who pressured me to give him oral sex when I was 12 and continued to pressure me for sexual favors for the next three years until I left my parents' house. I'm angry with the men who took advantage of my homelessness to rape me. I'm angry with the men who took advantage of my poverty and social naivete to bring me into abusive relationships under the guise of protecting and helping me.

I'm angry at the vocational rehabilitation counselor who saw all the test results (that I now know wree a resultof asperger's, not super-craziness! We don't test well on psych evaluations like the MMPI) and told me that no one in his office could help me find employment or go to school and that I should get at least five years of therapy before I came back to his office. I'm angry at all the employers who fired me even though I came to work every day, on time, worked hard, learned my responsibilities quickly, and never had an outburst or meltdown at work. I'm angry that they would fire someone just for being different or creepy or whatever it was they didn't like about me. I'm angry at the homeless shelter for not protecting me from getting attacked on their property.

I'm sure I could go on ranting all morning, but I've made my point. There are far too many other people who are far more deserving of my anger than me. I hate to call myself a victim because I don't view myself that way, but I see so little to be angry at myself for. I was born with an alternate neurology that causes me to behave in ways that other people don't understand and don't want to be around, even when I'm in a good mood, pleasant, productive, and at my very best. I was thrown into the trash heap of life because my brain is different. I was abused for being disabled!

Why the hell should I be angry at myself? I'm not the one who went out of their way to try to squash another human being at every opportunity. I'm the one who's just trying to live my life in a confusing and often hostile world. I don't deserve my anger and, in fact, I make every attempt to give myself the love that was so long lacking in my life. I buy myself little presents. I make sure to schedule plenty of down time for myself. I congratulate myself on every milestone reached, every accomplishment attained.

I am nurturing myself and re-parenting myself and working hard to give myself every opportunity and blessing that was denied me by others. I hope some day to recover from all this anger I feel. But from the day that I learned that I was born with a different brain I have never turned my anger on myself again. Because I used to believe what people said about me being bad. But now I know the truth.


I'm so sorry you went through all of this. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to say something supportive... that's just sooo much to live through.



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05 Oct 2010, 3:32 pm

j0sh wrote:
I'm so sorry you went through all of this. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to say something supportive... that's just sooo much to live through.


Thank you for the validation. I wonder how to "just let it go" and sometimes feel weak because I'm still "clinging to" the anger. It is good to hear that (even though I still want to move beyond it) the anger is justified. Thank you.


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05 Oct 2010, 3:44 pm

Its a shame that this sort of behaviour is still common, that parents, teeachers and therapists, are still victimising aspie kids.

Shame on them



j0sh
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05 Oct 2010, 4:32 pm

Surfman wrote:
Its a shame that this sort of behaviour is still common, that parents, teeachers and therapists, are still victimising aspie kids.

Shame on them


Sadly, I think you can replace "aspie kids" with: people of other ethnic origins, sexual preferences, religious beliefs, etc. It just seems like people think it's ok to dump on, use, manipulate, or abuse people as long as they don't feel a connection to them or perceive a difference. Kinda like "they aren't like me, so f-bomb them!" And when they think nobody will notice/care, it's even worse.



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05 Oct 2010, 5:01 pm

Joe90,

I'm sorry if I got off topic in your thread. I just couldn't help commenting.

To your post:

I've noticed something in common with several very successful people I've met in my lifetime. This may sound horrible, but... I got the impression that many of them were too dumb to know why they shouldn't have taken the first step that lead to their success; or to stop trying when they kept running into insurmountable obstacles. Other than the obvious lesson that I was probably very wrong, it lead to a few insights.

1. Sometimes you just gotta stop over thinking things and take some kind of action.

2. Not understanding your limitations can actually help you surpass them.

Judging by your age, I assume you've probably grown up with the AS label. I didn't get that label until about two years ago. I grew up with a "learning disabled" diagnosis. I didn't really understand that I'm pretty smart until I accidentally got into a technically challenging job in my mid twenties. When I was your age, I was planning on working in restaurants, because I figured it was something I could handle (due to being learning disabled).

I didn't know there was any reason I shouldn't be able to become self dependent, because I wasn't carrying a label that would imply I was any less able than anyone else. The day after I graduated high school, my parents moved to another state. I stayed for my job because I was terrified at the prospect of having to make new friends. I only had a couple, and it was the first time I my life I really had many at all.

I ate a LOT of Ramen noddles, but somehow, dumb luck prevailed and I survived. Had I know that my odd neurology was much more pervasive than previously suspected, I don't think i would have taken that risk. I don't think my parents would have let me either.

Believe me. I understand how hard it is to forget our mistakes and short comings. This is something I am trying to do myself. I want to go to college. It's a goal that nags at me daily. I need to forget my past yearning issues and just do it. I know I can, regardless of it possibly being a little harder for me.

Is that something you can try? Maybe something small first. Just say to heck with it and take one big step towards something and see what happens. Follow the flow and try not to over think the challenges or your past failures. Just make that first step and do your very best to follow through.

I think you just might find that you are more able than you give yourself credit for. A few challenges surpassed will build momentum and confidence. Take a running start and go for something like you didn't know any better. 8)



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05 Oct 2010, 5:10 pm

I spent most of my life quite the opposite. Always angry at everyone else for refusing to understand me.

My first long attempt to rectify the situation was to start listening to them and trying to change. I am glad I did that because I did manage to change some things about me for the better, but even those things were only superficial changes.

Now that I know what the real problem has been all along, I realize none of the problems I had or still have are my fault, or anyone elses fault. I still feel a little angry sometimes when people refuse to even try to understand me, but I don't let it eat me up anymore.

Don't remember ever being angry at myself for anything except a few specific things I know were my fault but had nothing to do with AS.


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Joe90
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08 Oct 2010, 5:06 pm

I'm also angry with myself because I take s**t from people, and I just cannot stick up for myself. People say, ''oh just ignore them,'' but ignoring people is practially letting them s**t upon me. Some NTs can stick up for themselves and not let anyone s**t on them, and they get on so well in life. The right words they need to use just come straight into their mind, but when someone is being rude or nasty to me my mind goes blank and I stand there like a prized prik.

I get teenagers delibrately walking into me in the street, then as they approach right up to me they scream in my face for no reason - well, the reason is because they can sense that I look a shy and unconfident mug and they decide to pick on me, and I'm talking about teenagers I don't even know in the street. If only they knew how much older I am to them. And I can never retaliate because they will either laugh at me, or make it so I'll get done, which will probably happen because a) I'm older than them and they're still children, and b) it's their word against mine.
And it's no good people just saying, ''they're just kids,'' because whether it's kids or adults, they still notice how unconfidently I walk, and teenagers can judge others more than anyone else, and if they know you appear unconfident, they will take the piss. The only ones that won't take the piss are the ones who are shy or nice themselves.
I wonder if any NTs get teenagers tormenting them in the street. I've never seen them do it to anyone else. My god, I must walk really unconfidently, and it must stand out really bad. Is there any way I can change this? It's giving me severe social phobia and Agoraphobia, and is effecting my job search too.

I can't go through life like this. I NEED help to make me show a confident appearence. Yet, when I stop and chat to someone, I'm fine. I'm good when I'm chatting to people because I can block everyone else out and just focus on the conversation, but when I'm walking on my own I feel as unconfident as f**k.


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