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AkaiHoshi
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04 Oct 2010, 4:57 pm

well after some browsing and searching for similar threads, and trying to figure out my situation on my own, i decided now is a good time for my first post on this forum.

i'm going to try and make this as short and readable as possible but i cant promise anything (thanks for your patience in advance)

i noticed this girl quite some time ago and i think we had some flirt moments, but i knew that i didnt know how to use these moments in my own benefit, and i tried not to think much about it.

after some months she approached me with some 'corny' line involving a band... literally: blurting out the band name and after that telling me that i 'reminded' her of that band.

we didnt realy talk much after that but still i had a few encounters where i thought she was flirting (looking at me, giggling and talking with a friend... then both looking and giggling... *sigh*) but i still made no move because i couldnt know 100% for sure.

one night she approached me and sat down next to me and we started to 'chit chat' and basically she told me that since her school was over and she'd had to wait till fall to go to college she was bored and she had no one to hang out with. i suggested we'd exchange phone numbers and told her that if she would like to go out she could give me a call. she called me two days later to have a drink and we met. since then she has called me every second day for a few weeks and we went out and most of the time she would tell me her emotional problems and she would read her poems... off course i started to think about all this in a romantic manner.

then one night i reminded her of a talk i had with her and a mutual friend of ours (basically telling them i feel down because i like a girl and i dont know how to handle it because i dont function socially like most other people do). that night i told her that the girl i was talking about was her. she replied with things like 'i am flattered', 'i dont know' and the dreaded 'i dont want this to destroy our friendship'... in my perception there was no NO. OK i thought... she already told me she had an affair with a teacher and he dumped her and she would not 'open herself' towards a relationship no more.

we continued to see each other and go out. she still dumped all her emotions on me. i felt that i had to tell her that i had my own issues (autism) and thought/planned of a way to tell her. then i had a death in the family and this triggered my anxiety with loneliness and i called her to meet, thinking how i wanted to spill my problems for once. after meeting and telling that i needed someone nearby because i felt bad and my aunt died, she almost bluntly ignored my 'emotions' driving me into a meltdown.

i left the place in a haste without explanation or saying goodbye , i just needed to leave. when i started to relax i text messaged her to meet me somewhere and she did. i tried to explain the aspergers thing and how i functioned... thus asking her once more and directly "can there be something between us, yes or no?" she answered no.

now what should have been an end to a train of thoughts i was bugging myself with, and shortly i did have a relief, turned out to bug me more.
i still am in contact with this girl now she moved out of town.

i somewhat realized that i have the tendency to manipulated the 'facts' into a 'there is something more than just friendship'. then again i have a really hard time to figure out some short moments that by all logic should mean that she feels more.

the thing i cant figure out is that all people i have met before her would have cut off all communication with me by now. i dont understand why she has the patience to keep in contact. its not like she will meet me on the street at any given time seeing shes 7 hours away (and i know she evades people she dislikes... like the teacher from the affair)

sorry for the wall of text... i really am confused



Sparrowrose
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04 Oct 2010, 6:40 pm

First, I could be totally wrong with what I'm about to say.
But, I am 43 and have watched guys I knew go through something very similar to what you describe. I have seen it many times.

So what I am about to say is based on a pattern I have seen over and over. It might or might not be what is happening in your case.

With that said, it sounds to me like she has stuck around because she can "dump" all her emotions on you and you listen and keep coming back for more. I've watched a lot of girls do that to a lot of guys I've known over the years. They like the guy because he's a friend that they can go to for a sort of "therapy" but they don't want him to be their boyfriend.

What you have to decide is if you are getting enough of what you would like to get out of the friendship or if she is "using" you to get her needs met but none of your needs are being met. The girls I have watched do this to guys will sometimes say "you're like a brother to me" and will often be flirty and sort of look like there might be more to the friendship but as soon as the guy asks if there's more or tries to also act like there's more, the girl backs down. She likes the "energy" she gets from the guy when she is emotionally intimate with him but she doesn't want it to be a relationship and she doesn't want him to be emotionally intimate with her in return (like how she didnt'really want to hear about your troubles, only to talk about hers.)

If your needs for friendship are being met, if you genuinely enjoy relating to her, then accept that she wants this kind of brother/therapist/friend relationship with you and enjoy it for what it is. If you feel bad in any way about the friendship or if your romantic feelings for her make it difficult for you to be around her and only be a friend, then start "breaking up" with her because if you feel bad about it, you will probably just keep feeling worse about it over time.

The kind of friendship I'm describing can last for years and be a good one or it can be very destructive and depressing. It's not a good thing or a bad thing -- it is what it is. I wish you well and hope that you can be happy -- whether it's as her friend/brother/therapist-type relation and accepting the boundaries she has set for how the friendship will go or whether it's to find the strength to end it if it's not good for you.


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Apera
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04 Oct 2010, 10:35 pm

The dumping of emotions and problems is just a friend thing. Girls expect reassurances in return - did you provide them, or try to find a solution? That's something I've faced. If you didn't give her what she wanted, she would have done the same to you.

As far as whether or not she likes you and/or wants a relationship, only she knows. And it sounds like she might not admit it if she did.

Additionally, given the 'emotion dumping,' this may be a "friend zone" thing.


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Sparrowrose
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04 Oct 2010, 11:32 pm

Apera wrote:
Girls expect reassurances in return - did you provide them, or try to find a solution?


Oh, yeah. That's one of those general "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" things. This doesn't apply to ALL men and ALL women but it applies to most men and women:

When men talk about a problem, they are (generally) looking for a solution.
When women talk about a problem, they are (generally) wanting to hash out their emotions about it.
When men and women get together and talk about problems, it can cause communication difficulties because the man wants to solve the problem and the woman wants to hash out the emotions so the woman thinks the man is kind of cold and unsupportive while the man thinks the woman just goes on and on and wallows in misery.

Knowing these general rules can help communication problems.


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hale_bopp
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04 Oct 2010, 11:53 pm

Sparrowrose wrote:
Apera wrote:
Girls expect reassurances in return - did you provide them, or try to find a solution?


Oh, yeah. That's one of those general "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" things. This doesn't apply to ALL men and ALL women but it applies to most men and women:

When men talk about a problem, they are (generally) looking for a solution.
When women talk about a problem, they are (generally) wanting to hash out their emotions about it.
When men and women get together and talk about problems, it can cause communication difficulties because the man wants to solve the problem and the woman wants to hash out the emotions so the woman thinks the man is kind of cold and unsupportive while the man thinks the woman just goes on and on and wallows in misery.

Knowing these general rules can help communication problems.


Agree.



AkaiHoshi
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05 Oct 2010, 9:50 am

@Sparrowrose

thank you for your reply.

after i wrote my post and read it the same thing started to dawn on me, that i was only an emotional dumping ground for her.

this also crossed my mind before but, as i said before, i noticed myself manipulating the situation in my favor. this i am trying to halt now.

obviously i still like her a lot, and i would love that something 'more' would happen, but i understand now that i have been obsessively grinding all the data from all the encounters before with the idea of a romance as a goal.

the thing that i never had encountered before, in other relations with people, is that i see her as a good friend and i let myself 'fall in love' with her... all of them were either friends or crushes. so that makes things a little harder.

i dont think that her one sided 'selfish' communication is a reason for braking things. its not like its only negative emotions being 'dumped' on me. i think its a faze in her life that projects all the bitterness and pain she has gathered in a short period of time. and the least i can do is try and help her with that... maybe one day she will be open up for my troubles with handling things so that she could help me out by slightly adjusting to my atypical social behavior. because i think she is capable of doing that.

Apera wrote:
The dumping of emotions and problems is just a friend thing. Girls expect reassurances in return - did you provide them, or try to find a solution?


i have lately started working on the NT empathy issue (although i have realized before that providing solutions is not something NT's, especially women, want in that situation. so basically i just listened and nodded every now and then) i noticed that sometimes i still have to fight my urge to provide solutions and i just try to combine listening with saying things like "you poor child" or "good for you" etc.
now i am trying to introduce the questions like "how did that make you feel" etc.

all in all its a good relationship to learn a lot of things i have evaded before (because a year ago i didnt know AS existed... i just thought i was just weird/creepy/ugly etc. etc.) at least now i am getting some feel of direction in things and i dont need to resort into depressions.

and that feels good :D



hale_bopp
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05 Oct 2010, 10:14 am

just a quick heads up.

Don't ever say "good for you" in an IM if you're serious. It always sounds sarcastic.