Adult AS identity crisis?

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Hello WP, Rob here

I've been substituting caffeine for sleep for some time now.. Please forgive the following rambling wall of text:

I was diagnosed with Aspergers yesterday, like many others here the doc told me to jump on the web and do a bit of research myself and let things sink in come back in 2 weeks.. etc
My 1st feeling was of being elated for being vindicated after all these years of my family and aquaintences thinking I was like this by choice..
I began to research, I couldn't believe I never heard of this before.. everything matched... everything.. each little thing about the way I feel, the things I do, it seems like every aspect of my personality, thoughts, emotions(lack thereof) are symptoms. I felt like I had just discovered I'm a robot after thinking myself human all these years.. which suddenly explained everything, but then finding out I wasn't a prototype but a hugely popular production model.

over the years, I learned to fake it in order to be "sociable" and I adapted to correct many of my more annoying quirks as I became aware of them.
at this point however, those adaptations seem to be the only things I have that are me.. all else seem to be just symptoms...

I feel lost

Welcome to the land of the Lost and Found. I didn't find myself till I was in my mid 60's.

I can remember thinking the same thing years ago, even before I knew aspergers existed, when I took those Briggs-Meyers personality tests. How could they know me so well? I thought I was special. You are much more than a collection of generalized symptoms. It is just a different style of human being with its own set of strengths and weaknesses.

Maybe a good analogy would be a different breed of dog, if you don't mind. One breed might be prized for being affectioniate, while another for its loyalty and protectiveness. It would help if I could think of specific examples of dogs. But my point, while each dog breed may have traits common to that breed, each individual dog has a 'personality' unique to itself.

Finding out has its ups and downs. I felt elated to understand myself for the first time and it was followed by a down period where I realized that I wasn't going to grown out of some of my difficulties like people told me I would when I was a kid. In any case, welcome from a fellow sleep-deprived caffeine addict.

The fact that symptoms portray differently in different people is enough to show that you are you, and not just a glob of symptoms. Your interests are also you.

People take personality tests and often score in (insert percentage here) just like a whole bunch of other people. I wouldn't take classifications that seriously. Not everyone with autism is the same, and not all people are the same even if they happen to have the same personality type or neurology.

Right - it is mixed. For me, having made it through a pile of years SOMEHOW, mostly positive.

Good to find you are a swan, not an ugly duckling. Not so good to realize you are stuck being a swan in a farmyard that does not recognize or value swans.

Still - FACT - better to know that to worry, i say.

When I first started reading about AS, I also had the reaction, "Wow, this is my whole personality reduced to a bunch of symptoms." But I am realizing that there is much more to my personality and individuality than all that. When we have these "issues" - for lack of a better term - that affect our whole life and personality and that set us drastically apart from the people around us, we will tend to focus on those - at least this is true for me. We will see those as defining aspects of ourselves, things that set us apart from the multitude (whether we like being set apart in that way, or hate it, or both). So when those things turn out to be symptoms of AS/autism, it's like seeing our whole personality written down as a syndrome.

But in reality, those things are not our personality, they are just what we've been focusing on (for years) because they are so glaring. At least, I think this is true for me.

Once the glare subsides, you will start to get a better understanding of who you are as an individual - especially by seeing how diverse the spectrum is and how different you are from other aspies.

"symptoms"... makes it seem like some sort of disease.

we just be wired a bit differently. if the entire planet was wired as we are, well... nevermind.

welcome "out here" to aspieland. hopefully what you are finding online will let your life make more sense to you. give it a while.

When I first learned about AS, I think I went crazy for the first little bit with the elation and then dark introspection period following. I purchased Liane Willey's Pretending to be Normal book and for about two weeks I was pretty much useless because all I could do was think about or read that book and make comparisons between it and myself, reanalyzing myself over and over again. It was a really good book to start out on and I still reread it in full or in part when I feel myself coming apart.

I've helped other people lead themselves to diagnoses before and they experienced the same kind of thing. So while your feeling insane, keep in mind this is probably a totally normal adjustment period. Yes there will probably be little in your life that you can't trace some connection to your AS in how you do it, why you do it, feel it, know it etc... But I agree with previous posters that doesn't just mean that you have no individuality. Think of it this way. A statue is can be thought of almost entirely in terms of both its structure/shape or in terms of its substance. There is no part of the structure that isn't intimately and deeply affected by the substance (clay, marble, wood) but that doesn't mean that there aren't differences between a Michelangelo's Moses vs a pebble on the ground even if are made of the same material. So you might be made up of the material we refer to as an AS personality. But that doesn't mean that you are no more individual than other people. Actually, since AS affects a minority, it probably could be argued to make you more of an individual. I mean take the reverse argument. You might try to claim that people with no particular psychological diagnoses are defined almost entirely by their symptom set of being extremely normal. That really doesn't make them any less individuals than other people. So there's no reason that shouldn't be true for you. Its just your way of being individual isn't within the typical run of the mill, so it feels like a bigger deal, especially since you are mentally transitioning.

Give yourself time to readjust to how you view everything in your life and past. Once the basic paradigm shift finishes up you'll feel much better.

yes indeed......welcome to the world
of lost n found.

I hope my little insert from my latest
book can be of comfort.

I wrte here in the 2nd person, as
i am having an inner diolouge with
myself.

You were born autistic, into a world that was obsessed with being normal. Your early experiences were deeply wounding, for to survive in the world you had to abandon any remnant of autistic personality, and shape your self almost entirely around the needs, wants and desires of others.

You developed a 'counter self', or put another way, a persona diametrically opposed to your natural self, in order to help you face the world. Consequently, you cast into the shadows your autistic self. You became like a puppeteer, as you were forever outside yourself, trying to pull all the right strings and link them to what you hoped were the appropriate actions and facial expressions. You studied the human condition as opposed to allowing yourself to become human.

You were able to achieve quite an advanced level of superficial social competence, but this came at quite a cost. You paid for this 'success' with anxiety, depression and terrible loneliness, the loneliness of a lost self.

So now, every time you have thoughts such as, "How is this idea going to be perceived by others?", or "Am I doing this right or wrong?", challenge that thought and also re-direct it to your deeper self. Then the deeper questions might be something like, "How does this idea sit with me?", or "Does this feel right for me?"

You are like a butterfly breaking free of the cocoon. You wake to a new world. You are learning to put into a respectful retirement place all that used to hold you back from affirming your true identity and sense of self.

Hello WP, Rob here.

Thank you for the warm welcome and advice.

After a couple hours of rest (sleep? Not sure..) I've had some time to reflect on what I posted..

1st I would like to apologise, I'm not usually one who makes broad generalisations. As a general rule I view everyone as an individual and not a group, religion, class, gender or race...

Also, "Symptom" may not have been the best choice of words. I think "Trait" might have been better, but I never have been that good at finding the right words... (if I hadn't been holding a ring the day I proposed to my wife, I might still be single)

At this point, I would love to hear more from you. I would like any advice you can offer, books you recommend etc. I'm certain that in time I will adjust and figure myself out. I also hope that I can return the favor or at least "pay it forward" here at WP..

Thank you again,

Rob