I want to do something 2 learn social skills and master them

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Corp900
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15 Oct 2010, 1:16 pm

I want to do something 2 learn social skills and master them but i dont know where to start,

Ive listened to hundreds of tapes on maniulation and mind games but that dosent help.

The social anxiety tapes are done by this boring doctor and are the only social anxiety tapes ever made for treatment and they really dont work without a group.

Im in debt and have no job. I freeload off my parents, they hate me too, thats all i do, because I did a 3 year prison sentence and now I cant get a job because of my felonies and my f****d up beliefs, logic, social anxiety, ocd, add, and aspergers. I cant function productively and dont really speak much, I feel that I really suck as a human being for my heads genetic or learned problems. I did have a job as a pizza delivery guy but was fired because during deliveries I forgot to deliver the pizza half the time, really embarassing, everyone there, all the NTs were cliqed together, I stayed in the corner, alone, and quiet, suffering quietly.

WHAT IS THE FIRST STEP?

No, A social worker dosent work because all they do is talk and make you talk a little about your problems, I go to one, im not going anymore tho. I take an anti depressant which dosent do much for me being that all it is is a chemical. also kolonipin for anxiety here and there, but really WHERE DO I START?



fernando
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15 Oct 2010, 1:41 pm

Nice avatar.


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Corp900
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15 Oct 2010, 1:55 pm

fernando wrote:
Nice avatar.



nice hat



oliverthered
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15 Oct 2010, 2:36 pm

Here's what I did.

Went down the pub [full of alternative people], sat in the corner lonely (if you pick a nice pub some people will speak to you anyhow, but...).

Watched the people, and looked for other younger people, with their 'head in their beer',
So built up some close friendships.
That slowly but surly allowed me to build up social confidence, by breaking myself in slowly, having some 'similar' people who knew me.
And helped with any 'flip outs' I may have.
I do loose friends on and off due to the odd 'flip out', but I've built up enough good solid friends that way.

The 'hard core' ones are always there, the 'softer' ones (who also flip out a bit), kind of hold off for a while, but always come back.

That also helps build a bit of trust, that even if some friends have difficulty dealing with your flip-outs they do come back.

I can give you some language tips if it helps and also tips on knowing what people 'want', cos I know everyone is different, so hell how am I supposed to know what the hell they want or know etc....

But that kind of stuff takes a bit of more refined social skills to start with.

Basically 'don't be too scared' fear only builds fear. If your feeling a little anxious, if you don't obey the anxiety and pretend it's a bit like a scary move that will be over soon, you'll start to re-train that anxious reaction by putting in a counter action.

Remember, there are a lot of freaks and weirdo's in the world, and you ain't the most freakish weirdo that other people have met and made friends with. Even if you feel that way.

The Pub was good for me, well, because people were a bit drunk so more 'accepting' and had more confidence. (which helps a lot when your trying to get to know people)



Surfman
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15 Oct 2010, 2:42 pm

Corp900 wrote:

Ive listened to hundreds of tapes on maniulation and mind games but that dosent help.



Listen to them backwards, then you will really be the beast to be feared.



Last edited by Surfman on 15 Oct 2010, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

oliverthered
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15 Oct 2010, 2:43 pm

Oh, to 'fix' you 's**t hole' your in,
self indulgence.

Maybe a walk in the park,
Exercise (ride a bike places)

That also gets you out in social situations, without much one-on-one contact.


Also try chatting to people on the internet , with similar interests.

I'm sure you'll find some here!

So long as the interst isn't too esoteric, feel free to hit me. I cook, sing, beat box, write software, fix computers, do 'counselling' for friends, make lots of jokes, write poetry, drive a car, know my Buddha from my Abraham, study people, cognition, language, law [uk], diet and health, exercise, gardening umm... well you get the picture.



Wallourdes
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15 Oct 2010, 2:46 pm

For basic social skills you could look into books on ettiquette for social acceptable behaviour and non-verbal communication. And go trail & error on it.
If you walk and talk like an NT you must be an NT for most, maybe a little awkward one though.

For all the anxieties you could try some meditation and if you can't sit still try yoga. Whatever you do (legally), just get that tention out of your body and mind - it eats up both on the long run.
Oh yeah, start looking on what you can do and instead of constantly looking at what you cannot do at the moment.

Write down what you want to accomplish and plan stepping stones to it.
For example you want to master social skills, stepping stones to it could be:
1. Orientate on what social skills are
2. Read up on the subjects
3. Test what you think works according to with what you've read
4. Adapt it according to what works for you in the given situations
5. Recap on what you have learned
6. Repeating the previous steps until it you make little to no faux pas in daily life situations
7. Mastering the skill is capturing the essence of it and to be able to give it your own twist, this can take a lifetime.

You could talk to the probation office and get a job through them.

A social worker can look like you are just talking (I do know, I am studying for it), but the first talks are the orientationing talks and later on you can define with the social worker on what you need help with - how confronting it might be.

Well hope it helps atleast a bit.

Cheerfully,
Wallourdes


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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15 Oct 2010, 2:57 pm

The easiest way to be more social is to stick out your hand and start introducing yourself to people. That's the first step, everything gets easier after that. If you can muster up the motivation to do that, you would be headed in the right direction.



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15 Oct 2010, 3:20 pm

It's feel and texture and the immediate situation. It emphatically is NOT like chess where you're thinking three moves away, at least in any kind of precise fashion. Think more like ping pong, loosey goosey, no really wrong moves, just kind of keep the conversation going.

And, being open to appreciate others. Now, flat out appreciating others is probably too high a standard. Just be open to it happening, and sometimes it will, sometimes it won't, and either way is perfectly okay. And don't 'invest' too much more than the other person. And that's kind of tricky, too. I'm learning a lot of social interaction, you kind of lightly skim across, until you and the other person hit something of common interest or a common reaction to something, and enjoy it for what it is and don't make too big a deal out of it, and then let it go back to the light skim. A little like a movie where there's an action scene and then a more quiet scene, and they kind of alternate between them in a way that's enjoyable.



oliverthered
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15 Oct 2010, 4:03 pm

Oh yeah, start looking on what you can do and instead of constantly looking at what you cannot do at the moment.


To that I'd add,
Look at what you've done and achieved in the past. (even if it's fixing a plug or making a cup of coffee, or getting off to sleep easily)

And try to use the things you already know you can do to help you achieve what you want to achieve.

So, I find it easy to get off to sleep. So when I'm distressed, I could use that as a meditation process.
I can make a cup of coffee, so maybe I could make candles or do some plaster of pairs modelling.
I can fix a plug, so maybe I could put a computer together, install doors, whatever....

Think of the positive things that you can do, no matter how small, your past achievements, things you've done before to help yourself out [that won't make things worse, esp if you end up inside again].


Build your own self confidence, using things your already confident you can do.
Then keep building on that.

Often there are work from home opportunities (but don't go for the ones that look 'easy' because they usually aren't or too good to be true because they are).

Maybe get involved doing stuff with your parents, that may help with your social skills too.
See if they will help you to achieve better things, working with other people (with them for starts).
[my patents didn't really do much with me, so I stuck at things myself]

Anyhow, slowly but surely, and look at your progress over time, don't let set backs dampen your hopes [we learn from our mistakes, so learn from them, to become better]. be strong, and keep pushing, slowly. momentum will build.



oliverthered
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15 Oct 2010, 4:11 pm

Surfman wrote:
Corp900 wrote:

Ive listened to hundreds of tapes on maniulation and mind games but that dosent help.



Listen to them backwards, then you will really be the beast to be feared.



Listen to them backwards, then you will really be the beast to be feared.

'probably third person'

If you listen to them backwards [second person]
You should listen to them backwards [first person] (there the buggers!)
Or even
I would listen to them backwards. [an 'order']
not
I listened to them backwards once. [ a piece of information]

look out for people who 'put themselves first',
That's because they perceive the world as them first, basically taking little transcendental measurements, which will never add up.
There usually the ones who are selfish and manipulative, but not always, some of them are spot on people.



oliverthered
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15 Oct 2010, 4:15 pm

you in the third person I'd expect.

you listed a load of facts.

Then asked the personal question.


Not:

I would like to know how to improve my social skills.
The social worker was useless.
I've tried books and tapes and stuff


NT's may have difficulty understanding you if you don't use first person, or second person.
Third person really messes with their heads!



jamesp420
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15 Oct 2010, 4:50 pm

start a conversation with someone, its as simple as that. say u get a new job at wherever, and another employee is always right next to u. when your not busy(obviously) go to them with confident body language and introduce yourself. extend ur hand to shake theirs. then ask them how long theyve been working there, if they like it, get them talking about other jobs theyve had, and you talk about your experiences that relate to theirs in any way. a simple convo like this will hellp u find common interests with someone, and that is one of the first steps to sparking a friendship. this is just one example, u can mold it to work for u in almost any environment.


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15 Oct 2010, 9:17 pm

I talked about social skills with an occupational therapist. The things I took away from it were,

To ask questions. A good way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions that relate to the discussion. We practiced this, practiced really listening to what people were saying to find clues to ask questions. It takes practice, I'm still not great at it.

That it really is about just putting yourself out there. Say hi to people. Introduce yourself. Nothing will happen if you don't make any effort.

That I wasn't really as horrible at making conversation as I thought, that by worrying I had nothing to say I was just short circuiting my own process.

That's all I really took away from it, but those first two important points really helped me get out there more this year at school.


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16 Oct 2010, 11:54 am

Dots wrote:
I talked about social skills with an occupational therapist. The things I took away from it were,

To ask questions. A good way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions that relate to the discussion. . .


And then---the Zen of it all---you don't try too hard at it! You try not to try (and that sounds zen, doesn't it?)

A conversation has a duration, and when it's meeting new people, this duration is relatively short, you just ride with the natural cycle (I can say this. the actual practice is more dicey, and it is inherently imperfect, inherently imprecise)

And, like a once-a-month humanist club, or like a twice-a-month bike club, or like an every-Tuesday night billard club, it's about short, low investment conversation and seeing the same people again.

And you don't want to invest too much more emotional energy that the other person (I mean, are you trying to grill someone for a job interview!, are you trying to palm off a screenplay, etc, etc, trying to recruit someone for your church, trying to recruit them to be your 'downline' for Amway)---all of which the person will pick up on and feel uncomfortable. Even if your 'agenda' is to have a good conversation about topics of interest to them, the person will pick up on the fact that you have an 'agenda' and feel uncomfortable. So, don't have an agenda (more zen!).

So, you lightly skim, come across a topic of mutual interest, enjoy it for what it is, and then more light skimming.