Question for married or happily partnered aspie women

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Sallamandrina
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22 Oct 2010, 8:02 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
You sound very lucky Sallamandrina. I would love a guy who just accepted me of my quirks. I use to try and please guys by acting "normal" and then when they got to know me better as I got comfortable in the process, they couldn't handle it. I really couldn't live with someone and pretend to be something I'm not, it's too painful.


YES and that's why I was convinced I'd never get married - I couldn't even share the house with someone for more than 3 days. I've met my husband at 27 - I hope you'll also find the right person some day.


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willaful
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23 Oct 2010, 8:50 pm

My husband and I clicked right away... I have never felt so comfortable with anyone. Everyone else I'd ever been in a relationship with would wear me out, or vice versa.


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CaroleTucson
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25 Oct 2010, 4:20 am

Very interesting thread. I'm not married anymore, but looking back I think I did "act" sometimes with my husband. Not always though, and the interesting thing is that I think he liked me better when I wasn't acting.

The only people in my life that I never felt the need or desire to act for, was my children.



caerulean
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25 Oct 2010, 3:26 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
i don't have to act for my husband, but he sometimes has really high expectations for my behaviour around other people. sometimes i can "act", and sometimes it falls apart if i am too overwhelmed. i went to a chinese restaurant with my husband and his family a couple of weeks ago, and i embarrassed his dad because i kept touching the walls (they had cork and textured wallpapers in the various rooms).

i can be completely my own self around him, but sometimes he is disappointed if i can't be 'normal' around other people.



i had to laugh so hard when i read about the cork walls. i do that quite regularly and i never considered it odd, but come to think of it, i havent seen any adult do that ever. what a shame though, because i'm often 'moved' by its (odd) beauty.

On topic though:
I wear a mask at times. My partner has a few very annoying topics of conversation and quite frankly i get so tired of those topics that i'd love to scream "SHUT THE * UP!! IM TIRED! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!! !?!?!? AARRRRGHHHH!! !!" but ofcourse i never do that. I tried telling him in all kinds of variations that i'm really not interested but he doesnt quit, so i often put up a mask of total socialness.

I can tell however that he has issues with me being odd. He doesnt really understand it. And if only i were normal, so i could have a regular job.
But other than that im free to have all odd interests and such. So thats cool :)



Kaspie
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31 Oct 2010, 6:20 pm

I definitely know what you mean by "performance." It gets so tiring, doesn't it! I've done that in so many relationships (both friendships and dating), and I've learned that it's impossible to keep that up for a long period of time.

I know it's incredibly hard, but you just have to be yourself.


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31 Oct 2010, 8:55 pm

I don't know whether I just wasn't able to "pretend to be normal" or whether there was too many serious things that happened in my life to keep me from having the time or effort to try (death of sister when I was 5, death of father age 14, sister's pregnancy when I as 14, caring for her children for a couple of years late teens, brother's suicide when I was 21 and caring for sister through cancer to death when I was 23). My husband met me when I was about 17 and apparently he always thought he would marry me. He said he was attracted to me because I was different and that I wasn't "chuckle-headed" like most other girls of his acquaintance (his term).
We married when I was 24, he was 23. He gave me the gift of loving and accepting me for exactly who I am and I've never had to pretend to be anything different.
It takes far too much effort to try to be somebody or something that you aren't, don't ever settle.



anomie
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01 Nov 2010, 8:16 am

hyperlexian wrote:
]i can be completely my own self around him, but sometimes he is disappointed if i can't be 'normal' around other people.


This.

All my friends are Aspie - I feel anxious around all NTs except my partner. I just don't know what to say to them.

So when we visit his family is is very difficult for me and sometimes I can't cope with it (e.g. when I am tired, hungover or depressed) and I behave wrongly and he is disappointed. I wish I did not have to visit his family. They have kids as well and I am afraid of kids. When I'm in a good mood and have lots of energy I can cope with all that for a bit - an hour or two - but otherwise, no chance.

Actually with his parents it's not so bad because they are very intelligent and understanding people and I think they know what is going on with me even if they don't call it by the name "AS". But his sister and brother-in-law are very normal and have children, and terrify me out of my wits.



Jaz1787
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07 Nov 2010, 10:01 pm

oh im myself around my OH

he likes me for me, we've been together almost 5 years and live together now. he likes that im a bit different, he likes that i like similar things to him (we're both science students) and watch similar movies etc

he knows i have a few quirks, but seems to be fine with them (yeah he has his quirks too)

occasionally i get on his nerves. usually when im being obsessive compulsive about routine or where something should be and isnt. and at time he thinks im lazy, which is usually when ive locked myself away with my laptop and watch tv. it's my "tuning out" mode and he doesnt get it.

i am very lucky though, he worships the ground i walk on and ive never loved, needed or trusted anyone like i do him (with the exception of a pet or two :lol: )

that said, i mask up for most social situations. i get to be my self with my bestfriend form school but that's about it. i think i "mask up" for my sisters now, i was really close to my little blister but the last few years have seen us drift apart a bit


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Spinnekop
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08 Nov 2010, 2:30 am

I don't have to perform for my DH. We've been together for 18 years now, and it is still good. I have learned over the years to show a bit more emotion/enthusiasm than I really feel though, I do feel it is needed.



willaful
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08 Nov 2010, 10:54 am

My husband has "trained" me to always tell him I love him when he says it first, no matter how angry or withdrawn I am. It's very hard, but he really needs it.


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