19 Oct 2010, 2:37 pm
So, apparently my shrink thinks I might have Asperger's. Which isn't really all that surprising, and I think she just *might* be onto something. But still... I just figured it would be useful to get a secondary opinion, so if any of you guys feel like responding, I just sat down and wrote a long list of my personal traits. Some of which I suspect to be AS related, and some which may or may not be, but are just.. well... overall WEIRD in general. (At least according to those people who live on the "right" planet, eh..? 
)
I know most of you aren't professionals, but it would still be useful if you would be willing to read through it and see if you recognize yourselves in any of it. Oh yeah, and: I'm new. So HI, by the way. 
Here's my list of possibly aspie-related traits and possibly just general strangeness. Brace yourselves.. XD
Background information: I'm 21 and female. (If it matters.)
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- I’ve got special interests and obsessions. Usually one all-consuming obsession at a time, which maintains an extreme intensity for about one to three years. Then, as it fades and becomes merely a topic I am interested in, as opposed to something that takes up my mind all the time, it is usually immediately followed by another.
- I feel somewhat secretive and protective of certain of those interests. With a lot of them, I’ll just keep them to myself. (Maybe because I’ve often gotten accused of “bringing up the same things all over and over again”.)
- I find it hard to learn about things I have zero interest in.
- When I’m doing something, I very easily get caught up in it. (Like writing this list, for instance. Writing lists is awesome!) And I absolutely hate interruptions. If I enjoy something, I can spend all day doing it. (Like for instance playing The Sims 3 for 15+ hours in a row…)
- I'm a very honest and direct person. I'll say what I think, and I'll want it to be interpreted as such. There are usually no hidden double entendres or things that I expect people to “read between the lines”, even though I definitely do have a sense of humor, and I like sarcasm, amongst other things.
- I like daydreaming and living in my own little world. My focus is usually inwards.
- When with other people, I speak very loudly and intensely, and I’m usually extremely prolix, especially if the conversation is about something I’m interested in and/or have a strong opinion about.
- I suck at small talk and regular chit-chat, generally preferring to go much deeper than that and exploring something in greater detail. However: if someone initiates it with me, I can usually play along up to a certain point, but I won’t enjoy it. (And fairly often, it will inevitably turn into a deeper conversation about something I like discussing.)
- I usually want reasons for absolutely everything. If I’m in a conversation with someone and I ask a question, and they fail to address it, I get frustrated. It also frustrates me if we’re talking about a topic I’m interested in, and they randomly decide to bring up something entirely different, thereby moving the conversation in a different, (and often NOT equally intriguing), direction.
- I’ll often need a very huge amount of alone time in order to recuperate after being out in public, meeting new people, etc. (In general: the bigger the crowd and the more new people there are to relate to, the more draining I will find it. I prefer smaller settings with maybe one or two close friends or family members instead.)
- I feel anxiety about social situations if I’m not aware of what is going to happen and/or I fear that there might be a confrontation of some sort.
- I seem to have partial prosopagnosia. I can recognize people I know very well, but it takes me a lot more time to remember a face than it does for the average person, and sometimes I’ll even forget the faces of people I have recently interacted with. (But I can usually figure out who they are based on other things, like their haircut, weight, situational context, etc.)
- There are numerous societal conventions I just don’t understand. For instance: why are certain topics taboo? Why do people take what you say, misconstrue it and turn it into something entirely different? Why do people hate it when you ask questions about the reasons for their behavior? Why do they ask you questions when they don’t truly care about the answer? (Like, for instance: “how are you?”) Why are they so concerned with what strangers think of them? (Personally, I couldn’t care less.) Why do they ostracize people just because of some minor differences? Why do they brag about their jobs and their material status? Why do they care about the concept of high status? Why do they so often seem so fake? Why do their personalities change so much depending on the situation?
- I avoid eye contact, for the most part. Both because I feel no desire to and because it is somewhat uncomfortable. It feels intrusive, too close, for some reason… However: I can force myself to maintain eye contact for a few seconds at a time, if I want to. It is much harder with strangers than it is with people I know, and the more I like someone and feel safe around them, the easier it is. (But I still won’t look at them for more than a few seconds at the time.) If I’m mad at someone, I won’t look at them, period.
- I find it hard to understand people’s intentions and states of mind unless they are explicitly stated. For instance, I often don’t notice it if what I am talking about bores them.
- I don’t understand conventional flirting very well. Nor do I understand clique mentality, extreme patriotism, sports hype, the need to play different roles for different audiences, etc. Indirect social “games” confuse me, generally speaking.
- The verbal part of the conversation is what matters to me, but I can still read certain facial expressions if they’re obvious. If they’re subtle, I won’t get it. According to my sister, my own body language and facial expressions seem pretty exaggerated. Maybe because I just don’t deal in subtleties? (Also: according to my parents, they had to explain the meanings of facial expressions and body language to me when I was a child, because I just couldn't work it out on my own.)
- I stim by jumping up and down and flapping my hands at the same time. Often while listening to music. Plus I randomly start running sometimes when I’m out walking, solely because I get an urge to. I also tend to bite things a lot. (Like randomly chewing all of my pens apart, chewing on my fingers and cheeks sometimes, etc.)
- I listen to music WAY more than the average person. It is a lot like an addiction. I’d go crazy without my MP3 player and the ability to frequently sing along, and I use music as a thing to relate to, as well as something that can alter and/or amplify my mood.
- I’m a grammar + spelling Nazi. I notice typos and errors of speech all the time, and I feel a very strong urge to correct them.
- I speak English all the time, (even though it is technically my second language), and I absolutely hate my mother tongue. I don’t know if that’s an aspie thing or not, but it is most definitely a very strange quirk, and it often annoys people a lot.
- I frequently get feelings of depression and helplessness. Often I think there is just too much responsibility to cope with… I feel part child and part adult, in a lot of ways. (Even though my actual age is 21.)
- I talk to myself a lot. (Which is great, because I always understand myself 100 %, so it works. XD)
- I’m not frequently bothered by sensory issues. In fact, I tend to like being stimulated a lot, but there are still certain things. For instance: I’m terrified of explosions, gunshots, fireworks, etc, especially if they’re sudden and/or unexpected. As a kid, I would absolutely lose it if, say, a balloon accidentally popped. I have a strong aversion to oil-like substances on my skin. And I’m oversensitive to cold, apparently. I'll want to wear a thick sweater when others are complaining about how hot it is, and my thermostat is consistently set to a near tropical climate.
- Speaking of which: I wonder if I might have seasonal affective disorder. Winters and autumns always f**k me up in a seemingly endless number of ways, and I wish I could move to Australia just in order to escape them.
- I don’t truly feel rooted here. Never have. That probably doesn’t have all that much to do with AS, but it might be because I have developed an intense hatred for this society, due to never having been fully accepted by most of my fellow people.
- My sleep schedules are crazy. I always end up pushing them forwards, more or less unwillingly, because I just cannot seem to make myself fall asleep. (And if I can’t, I’ll just spend some more time on one of my current obsessions, or I’ll do seemingly meaningless things like playing 35 games of Minesweeper in a row, when I could actually be doing something useful instead. ;-S) Falling asleep usually takes at least an hour for me, and even longer if I’m not tired.
- I’m (more or less) asexual. (Except for one thing, namely this one super strange fetish I haven’t told anyone about as of yet… But the naked bodies of other people do nothing for me, and I never get an urge to f**k them. I do think certain people are aesthetically pretty, though.) As for romantic attraction: I’m panromantic, but I don’t get crushes very easily these days.
- My intelligence is definitely above average. (Though I’m not a genius or anything…) After taking an online IQ test, I was told I have an IQ in the 140 range. (I don’t know exactly how reliable that test was, though.) But minor practical things can often be extremely problematic, never the less. For instance: housework. I just can’t find the drive to do it, so my apartment looks quite a lot like Shrek’s and Fiona’s swamp, if you catch my drift… (Yes, this is BAD, I know.)
- In general: I’m awful at motivating myself to get things done. I usually need some major incentive, or alternatively a rigorous routine, in order to cope. (Like managing to do dishes solely because I’ve told myself I will do them every time I wait for a meal to finish cooking, for instance.) But when I first get off my ass and stop procrastinating, such problems seem to dissipate immediately. It is getting started with it in the first place which is the hardest part.
- If somebody tells me to do something, I’ll usually need to make very concrete plans in order to be able to fit it into my schedule. Or I’ll need concrete directions. (For instance: planning that I should go to the hardware store next Thursday is much easier to deal with than being told that I should go to the hardware store “sometime next week”.)
- I have certain OCDs and certain systems that are very important to me. For instance: there might be piles of paper on the floor and dirty dishes all over the kitchen, and I won’t care much at all. But if anyone as much as moves one of my necklaces half an inch, or touches certain things that are lying in a certain position, I’ll freak. (As a kid, I used to dress up my dolls, brush their hair and position them in rows. And I’d throw a major tantrum if anybody or anything interfered with my system.)
- If I had expected something to be a certain way, I will find it very discomforting if there are unplanned changes, unless said changes are what I consider positive. (For instance: if I had expected pork chops for dinner, but my mom decided to buy me lobster instead, I’d consider that an immensely positive change. But if she had invited me to dinner, and then canceled just a few hours on beforehand, I’d consider that a very negative change, and it would probably make me extremely cranky and dissatisfied. I’m not really a fan of “neutral” changes either.)
- I have a lot of emotions, and when faced with a difficult situation which is just too much for me to handle, I will often break down and cry about it. Sometimes I can feel miserable without even knowing exactly what is causing it.
- I’m somewhat physically clumsy, but I was much worse as a child. I suck at sports because my reflexes and reactions just aren’t fast enough. Plus I find it hard to emulate other people’s physical movements. I also can’t navigate for the life of me… (Don’t even know the difference between what’s south and what’s north, frankly.)
- As a child, I showed little to no interest in other kids and would much rather play on my own, but I was better at interacting with adults. I had lots and lots of mood swings and temper tantrums, to the point where I would lie screaming in the middle of a store, to my parents’ profound embarrassment… I was incredibly inflexible. (Demanded to listen to the same damn tape recording EVERY night for several hours before falling asleep, had a major breakdown once because my grandmother removed a rubber band from my braid without telling me, etc.) I was very intense, in a whole lot of different ways. But I avoided eye contact, disliked hugging and spoke in a voice that was somewhat “off”. (Today my voice is normal and I’m usually just fine with hugs, though. However, there is still the eye contact thing.)
…So yeah. Secondary opinions or useful insights, anyone? XD
(And once again: hi. )
19 Oct 2010, 3:05 pm
19 Oct 2010, 3:06 pm
Welcome 
Not very helpful since I have not been officially diagnosed with AS ~ but almost everything on your list also applies to me.
19 Oct 2010, 3:59 pm
19 Oct 2010, 4:00 pm
19 Oct 2010, 4:04 pm
Hi. I haven't been officially diagnosed - but in 51 years, the first time all the various odd parts of my life made sense was when I finally sat down and said "I think I have Asperger's." Last month. And the more I learn, the more I understand myself. So, from that perspective, reading your list, I was starting to wonder if anyone had cloned me. 
Although there are a few differences, but nothing large enough to make me think you aren't "one of us".
19 Oct 2010, 5:19 pm
"I was starting to wonder if anyone had cloned me."
LOL! Nice. XD
Hmmm.. Wonder what *I* would do with a clone, if I had one. I'm sure she'd be lots and lots of fun. (And all of our social interactions would be SO easy, not to mention!)
"Although there are a few differences, but nothing large enough to make me think you aren't "one of us"."
...Yay! I'm sure I could have done PLENTY worse. You guys seem like a bunch of very cool people.
(I'm going to do some more reading as well, in order to learn more. But yeah... Actually having a word for it, as well as an explanation, is a relief, to say the least.)
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