aspie guys: are you passive with your girlfriend?

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Do you take a passive role in the relationship with your girlfriend? Do you expect her to initiate sex, kissing, cuddling and other things such as, for example, choosing a restaurant or vacation spot?

Not passive, but not assertive either. I expect an equal partner and a mutual give/take relationship. We decide together where to go and what to do, and nothing happens unless there's a consensus.

That's not "normal" male behavior. I get that. Men are expected to take initiative and women are expected to follow. SCREW THAT. I prefer a woman capable of thinking for herself. Let me be me, and let her be her.

Personally, It's on and off for me, It all depends on what type of mood I am in. Although I might be more leaning toward the girl taking over sometimes.

On a side note, I think this is what can screw up relationship, What ever one does, the partner is probably not agreeing with that and want to initiate sometimes.

I've twice had girls tell me I was "not assertive enough" in the relationship.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood the first one. That went bad.
And the last one let me know it a bit too late for anything to get better.

So yeah. NT girls expect the guy to be "male" in long term relationships.
Even if it's the 'not pushy' aspect of the guy that attracted them in the first place.

Watch yourself. And tell them they're sexy whenever you realize there's been no physical contact in a while.. even if you aren't planning to make a move; even the strong ones need to hear it (or have it demonstrated).

I completely agree with that, The Girls want control of the relationship and in the NT world guys want to maintain control as well, if they don't have control they succumb to the girl's will and guys don't like that.

While I am not currently in a relationship, I have been in relationships in the past. I went from being very passive in my first relationship, to being very assertive with a woman I had pursued until recently. She accused me of being a manipulator, when I was being assertive. She had a bunch of rules a guy must have, including one where a guy must have a "strong personality", meaning that one should be able to make decisions without ever having to ask for advice. To her, asking for advice constitutes an inability to directly communicate with a partner, and lack of motivation, and an inability to direct and support oneself.

She complained that I was too far away, when she was only a 2-hour drive from me, and it would have only been until I finished college. I was trying to keep an open mind about everything, but she was very rigid and closed-minded, and felt the need to be in control over everything, and felt that relationships should be based on order and predictability. I was trying to convince her that I could be a good partner, and that she should keep an open mind about it, but she would not let go of the rules, and wouldn't even accept a compromise.

She was about to graduate from college, and didn't know where she would get a job after graduation. She said a relationship would be possible if she got a job closer to me, but not if she got a job somewhere else. In other words, she put conditions on a potential relationship. So I decided to wait until she knew more about where she would likely find work. But she accused me of being affected by her actions, yet I couldn't do anything but wait and see, because she called the shots. I was trying to convince her to pursue a relationship with me without any conditions, but she wouldn't budge on the rules. I felt I was being led on.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 25 Oct 2010, 11:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Actually most girls/women just want an equal partner in a relationship and if it were between a guy who was a little more passive or a little more assertive, they'd probably choose the guy who was a little more assertive.

But you have to understand, there is a difference between assertive and controlling and a difference between assertive and disrespectful, and a difference between assertive and inconsiderate.

I understand that, no girl in there right mind would want someone that disrespect them and treats them like an object at least to my understanding

This.

Unless she likes being told what to do...

Same here! Although for the latter I'm always nice about it!

Goodbye Till Next Time

I prefer assertive guys.

All of my relationships have gone fine as long as I disclose the aspie side, they will usually do some googling and gain a better understanding of the way my mind works and after that usually no issues. Unless they cannot handle it. I am married now and she understands me and I tend to be passive in my role almost all the time, but I dont mind taking control, but sometimes I do need to be reminded by her since I do not always think to take the lead. I am not saying it is easy by any means, she has bipolar 1 so I have had to learn body language/social cues more than I ever would have otherwise I wont notice when she is down. But we work good together, I dont get upset with her for really much of anything and she gets mad at me but understands why I act the way I do so she gets over it quick now.

this

although despite that i'm naturally pretty passive my GF is prolly a little more passive than i am, so by comparison i'm assertive. So it works out.
If anything, I'm the one trying to teach her how to be a little more assertive

I was the one who made the first move , so I would say that I was assertive in that respect. She tends to be more spontaneous in other respects, but I would say that a case could be made for a mixture. It's a new relationship, so I will take a wait and see approach.

Should be dominant.
It's sexy.

I have a question though: How do I know if I'm going too far? Because I don't realize it until well after the fact, and well after anything is salvageable. So I end up being very passive because, above all else, I don't want to hurt a partner.