Obsessions that lead to a broken heart

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If you already know their flaws, don't downplay them. While something like constantly apologizing is relatively minor, something like "drunken party whore," isn't.

At the same time though, just by the way attraction works, I don't think too many people need to be worried about being attracted to someone who constantly apologizes - that's a display of weakness if there ever was one and nothing kills attraction more than that or behaviors indicative of high self-monitoring. Drunken party whore though, that's the one where I don't think too many aspie women would fall for it but most NT's would just because it is a display of someone who's not thinking, going all on feeling, showing at least immediate confidence in a way where they're insecurities are way in the back rather than on their sleeve.

I was mentioning two examples of gals I've liked (except the girl I currently like has gotten much better about constantly apologizing I guess.)

During my many infatuations, I have felt extreme feelings and emotions for someone. Then when it's over there is an overwhelming sense of loss, upset and despair. Every time it happens I hope that this will be the last, but it never is.

Once the cycle is broken though everything is ok..........until the next time.

It's getting to point where I tell myself to stop liking girls, but that isn't working yet. I usually spend heartbreaks lying down counting bumps in the ceiling.

This has happened to me 3 times. The worst part is, only one was destined for failure right from the start. The other two would have liked me, had they never found out. Sorry. I've been desperately looking for love since the last incident. I've had one girlfriend since then, but I didn't really like her. I just went out with her because she asked me! How many times is THAT going to happen to an Aspie?! We broke up a month later. I've been wondering, is that fake, unsatisfying love the most I can ever have without destroying any positive feelings the girl in question might have for me?

I have experienced the same time of obsession/infatution. He was actually the first boy i liked or was attracted to /interested in EVER, so that was a rude awakeing into adolescence! It lasted from age 12-15, 3 and half years. I couldn't think of anything else, my mine revolved around him. he was another boy in my grade at school, but not attractive to anyone else apparently. I got teased a lot but what hurt worse is that it was never reciprocated and it hurt so bad. i just wanted to be friends with him after awhile, just to talk to him once a day, and to know everything about him. I collected pictures and information about him. i had an entire fantasy friendship with him in my head for years. I became very depressed towards the end of it since i thought it would go on forever. THen, a miracle happened! i met a another boy in school (10th grade now) who liked me and I actually started to like him! we only dated for about 1.5 months, but i was so happy even after we broke up because i wasn't obsessed with the first guy anymore, and i also wasn't obsessed with the second guy. I was cured!! !

since then i've had no more crush obsessions! i'm obsessed even more with other things like art and elephants. but i haven't had any boyfriends though either.

one thing i tried to do to get my mind off him was play mind games with myself. like every good thought i had about him, i'd think the opposite, or i would imagine him doing horrible things and then treat him in real life as if he did them. or i'd try to pretend he didn't exist, but my imagination wasn't strong enough to trick my eyes! none of these games worked and they made me feel worse about myself, like i was powerless over my own feelings.

my advice to you is that it WILL end! They don't last forever, and even when you think nothing could change your mind about this person, someone or something might come along when you least expect it and you'll surprise yourself. I still regard that 10th grade boyfriend as a miracle.

another thing that helped was moving. a year after high school i moved across county to go to college (and my parents moved too, so i don't go back every summer like most kids). just not having contact with the person an knowing that there was no chance of it helped a lot. i know moving often isn't an option, but you can try avoiding him or her. In general, don't feel guilty and don't force yourself to get over it. It's not your fault, you have very little control over these things. Just know that it will end, and even though that special person doesn't value you, you are still a wonderful and worthy person!

oh, i think someone mentioned ocd. i didn't know why this infatuation affected me so much more than anyone else i knew. then when i was diagnosed with ocd we attributed it to that, but it still didn't make much sense. I think though, that it is very common in aspergers (though not exclusive). Tony attwood mentions in his book a teenaged girl who developed this kind of thing for a pop star.

I felt the need to add my thoughts on this. I have dealt with this my whole life pretty much. There have been many girls in my life I've liked but only a few I go back to over and over. One I have had feelings for since my senior year in high school. During that time, I got up the nerve to tell her how I felt, and she told me she didn't feel the same. I accepted her response, and felt we could at least be friends. So i'd try and catch her when I could, but I still had these strong feelings for her. Once we graduated, I tried to keep in touch with her, but it was tough. And when she was in town for various holidays it was just as tough to get in touch with her. Over time, I began to realize that she didn't really care about me or being friends. And it upset me, but there was nothing I could do. I always tried to call her and get together with her, she never initiated anything. I eventually gave up on her and lost touch completely. But I would still dream about her. The dreams were always different, but the theme was always the same: I'd spend the whole dream trying to get to her and talk to her, and never reaching her before I woke up. It's been almost 10 years since then and I can't seem to get over her completely, though I rarely think about her anymore. Then when I got my first job there were a few girls I liked but one that just got to me. It was something about her eyes, I don't know. I would try and talk to her as much as I could. I even wrote her a poem, and gave it to her right before I left there. She never showed any interest in me. After leaving there, I always thought about her and wondered where she was. Then last winter, after 3 years I bumped into her at a supermarket. She seemed totally different. I figured then was the time to tell her how I felt. But she told me she was now engaged. I was crushed, but had to move on. I ran into her a few times this year but since I told her how I felt, she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me. And at my current job as a janitor cleaning a building, there have been a few women that I've developed feelings for, but they are much older than me and I figured they are probably married and if I said anything I would make them uncomfortable and I didn't want to do that. So I just drove myself crazy, but eventually the feelings calmed a little. They haven't left though. These women work late sometimes and I catch them there. The only thing I've been able to do is avoid them so I don't think about the feelings. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed because of this. I always fall for girls that are either taken or just not interested in me. I haven't found anyone who even had a little interest in me. So it affects my self esteem, but I can't just shut down and hide. So I struggle daily. I try to explain these things with people and all they are able to tell me is get over it and move on. I tried to be as concise as possible without leaving out important details. I appreciate this post, knowing that this isn't just me and I'm glad I'm able to let it out here. And if someone else wants to comment, I'd appreciate it. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. Take care everyone.

After my first girlfriend, Claudia, and I broke up in January 1999, I was very upset and felt that she would come back to me (she cheated on me). She never came back to me, and never apologized for cheating on me. The only reason she dated the other guy was because he had a nicer car.

I kept hoping that she would change her deceitful ways, and it wasn't until February 2002 that I stopped trying to pursue anything with Claudia again. Claudia is the reason I don't date NTs.

Tim

I've had like 5 girlfriends whom ended it heartache with, they would all be NT. Though now I've found an NT whom I actually get along with.. really well!

Don't give up on a type of people, there are horrible ones of all kinds, but there are beautiful people hidden everywhere.

I've been in 11 different relationships over the last 12 years. Of these, I'd say 5 were serious, long-term arrangements, 3 were purely fun, by mutual consent, and the other 3 had potential but were cut short before anything truly meaningful could develop. There have also been a few 'near misses' along the way which I look back on with some regret. Well, quite a lot of regret, actually.

I was serious about all of them. In some cases they ended it, in others I ended it, because sooner or later it becomes obvious whether two people are suited or not. I've always had problems with depression and this has undoubtedly been a major factor, although surely a perfect partner would at least be easy to talk to about such things? In truth I've never found it easy to talk, especially as half the time I don't even understand myself. I don't want a multiplicity of partners - I want to find one person who I can feel contented with.

I'm still having problems with my break-up from Lisa, who I went out with for roughly 18 months when I was 23-24. We were engaged and everything seemed great, but then we suffered a miscarriage and the resulting stress tore everything apart. I was very naive and didn't know how to handle it. More significantly, it turned out that she was a really nasty, spiteful kind of person and I had been suckered in a big way. It was the most traumatic period of my life - I ended up losing my job and I also rolled my car, and I lost my hair through the shock of it all. But I still think about her, and how things could have been, even though I now know what she was really like.

At the same time I am still very hung up on my last girlfriend - Katie - who was lovely in every way. I drove her away by being a contradictory, depressed, idiotic f****d up mess. And I used to think that it was all a communication issue and if we could talk things through properly then everything would be ok. I was kidding myself, obviously, but I still miss her a lot. And I'm worried that if I find anyone else I'll mess their life up as well.

I am not particularly proud of this story for various reasons. But one year when I was in high school, I had developed an infatuation with one of the lifeguards at a marina that I frequented. She was no plain Jane, either. *dunks head in cold water* Anyway, it got so that I could not jump into the pool unless she was watching. Somehow, one of my dock buddies caught on to this, and got the lifeguard to flirt with me on various occasions, and not always in a PG-rated way either. Fortunately that was as far as it went. Some time after she left the marina, the proverbial skeletons came pouring out of the closet, and I felt smashed to bits, partly because of heartbreak, but mostly because it was like a test and I failed miserably. Somehow, I feel like I had it coming to me for being (ego-trip alert) a kid who wanted to be the handsomest kid in his school. Cupid must still be laughing fit to bust about that.

Wait! Why do they have to be bisexual?

Hehhe, I could definitely hook her up if she lived out here - a lot of the girls I tend to click with well are inclined that way, not all but a lot.

I think part of attracting good women in the first place is being the kind of guy who won't let his heart get walked on. Seriously, I know you've probably heard it enough times to be sick but you can't let them run you like that. If your dating a girl and she's that disrespectful of you you have to turn your emotions, be like "fine you want him your stuck with him - right about now you showed you don't give a f--- and thats fine, I can do that too" - and its hard as hell to squash your own feelings toward her sometimes but its a must, you just have to. Probably the only thing I took away from David DeAngelo that I really think is true in most cases is you never let them get away with things that you think would be beyond reason for you to get away with, the more they can s--- on you and you still want them back the more twisted they get on you. Yeah, you want to stay away from all the girls who are all up in the game like that in the first place but overall what matters way more than looks or anything is how well she has herself together and even moreso how well you have yourself together.

If the other guy just has a better car - great. That's about as far as their relationship probably goes, if she's a sucker for money she'll keep playing him right into getting an engagement and wedding ring, and if she does stay with him it's doubtful it'll be anything that great for either of them. Usually in situations like that ultimate justice seems to be served when they're married, stuck together with kids, she treats him like dirt (ie. the ring is on, the real self now comes out), odds are he's learned treating her like dirt is all he can do to save face, and they end up hating eachother all out but are forced to live together in misery and just bury it for the kids sake - rofl, thank god your not him.....

Good post.