Good Days and Bad Days

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Good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months, good years and bad years. All the optimism I had at the beginning of the semester is gone, evaporated! into thin air over the past couple of weeks as we have slowly slid back into the same old same old, which amounts to getting nothing done, failing classes, stress, strife...and all of my old barely-answered questions and insecurities rising to the surface...again. Is he capable of handling school? Why does it seem like he gets nothing done unless there is an adult standing over him every minute telling him what to do? How am I supposed to help him help himself be successful? I mean, I can't follow him around every minute of the day micro-managing his life...eventually he must step up and take ownership over his life...right? Or am I deluded? Will this never happen? Is this, what's going on right now, a glimpse of the future? Should I just give up trying to help him be independent and resign myself to the fact that I'm chasing a pipe dream? The specialists I've heard speak on the subject told me "independence is the goal with these kids"...but I'm not seeing any signs of it now, and am not able to imagine it for the future. What am I supposed to do? Let him fail?

This, obviously, has been one of those bad months

I'm so sorry to hear there has been a slide back.

With my son, I've found that I just have to invest what he's telling me by his actions he needs right now. I can't think about if or when it will change; I just have to dig down and invest it. Eventually, he does move past and move on, but he definitely does it on his own time and at his own pace. I believe your son's road has been rougher than my son's has been, but I wouldn't give up on the idea that someday he'll move past certain obstacles and acquire some level of independence. But do remember that it seems pretty much impossible to force the time table onto AS kids. Nudge and encourage, but forcing just plain old doesn't work. Schools are set up to make kids independent by the time the child is 18, and they'll keep pushing you on it. But unless you plan to push your child out the door at 18, or think he'll take himself out the door (which is a possibility, since he'll have the legal right to), you don't have to be on that table. I think keeping the relationship solid with the child, having them expect to be under your guidance until you both agree they are ready, and having that level of trust so that they are comfortable planning to stay under your guidance, becomes really important. The law will say they are independent at 18, but the child's needs today dictate that you don't even try to make sure that happens.

So, yes, you supervise everything because he needs that right now, and you do that until he no longer needs it. I don't see any other choice.

A comment on the let him fail question - I know people do that with NT kids, and we do it in small ways with our son, but I just don't think it works to do it on any large scale with an AS child. When everything is going downhill that fast, it represents a real need, and they don't have the tools and aren't developmentally ready to kick it in and figure it out. They'll just fail. No hard lesson learned; just failure. Without the hard lesson learned to follow it, you've gotten nowhere. When you are really really really sure the child can take the lesson, you can do it. But you've got to have that gut feeling that it will work, or I absolutely would not risk it. I've let our son take zeros on select assignments and end up with C's in classes he should have had A's in, but I've never let him fail. I don't think he could handle it. It's just one of those things you have to know as a parent, what your child can and can't do. It's a risky, risky approach with an AS child.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 05 Nov 2010, 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

One thing I keep reminding myself is that this is a developmental disorder, and he won't learn anything that his brain isn't ready to learn. For my son, some things he learns and forgets, other things take YEARS to get through to him that to me are simple, and other things that are complex or advanced he gets right away and never forgets. It's frustrating, and sometimes I wonder if all of this work is worth it, but then I realize....it is. It totally is.

You just have to keep plugging away and helping him where he needs help, be patient in his troubled areas, rejoice in his accomplishments, and try not to worry about his future. Independence is the goal, but that will happen when he is ready, and you can't let yourself believe that it won't happen. Look at Temple Grandin. Most NT's can't accomplish what she has accomplished. The only thing you can do is help him when he needs help, love him for who he is, and work towared the best foundation and support system you can give him and don't ever give up. It will pay off in the end, however that manifests itself for him, and you and he will be better people because of it.

Even if your child was NT, that doesn't mean that they will have an independent future either. Some NT kids end up worse off than ours will ever be.

Hang in there! Focus on the positives, especially in the tough times.

how's his independence with other things llike everyday stuff, personal hygiene chores and so on? if that is okay i.i. he can stay on task, he just hates school and imo that is less of an evil.

Hey DenvrDave, can you remind me how old your son is? Has he been through thorough assessments for any specific learning disabilities? If you want to talk curriculum or ideas for really resistant learners let me know, my son is one of them, but after a few tough weeks last year we had a great year when I finally realized I had to follow his lead with the occasional opportunity to push him forward...

Caitlin, I'm pretty sure the son is in high school; not sure if a freshman or a sophomore; I think freshman.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies and encouragement, and sorry for my rant in a moment of weakness. My son is 15 and a freshman in high school, and there is a lot of good in our lives, and much to be thankful for. He has shown good growth since middle school, and he's hanging in there like a champ. He is very intelligent and is successful in music and karate. There is a part of me that really believes he has a bright future. But some days its like the wind gets knocked out of me...like earlier today. Fortunately there is WP where I can share thoughts and get supportive feedback from people who relate. You get up, dust yourself off, and keep trying.

Thats not a rant or a moment of weakness, its you telling us what your thinking and feeling without putting a veneer over it, and illustrating your struggles, thats a good thing, Bravo Dave.
I feel up and down about my little one too a lot, I guess we all do.

Thank you

Very impressive that even while you were in the midst your own difficulties you were reaching out to help someone else with theirs.
My two oldest boys haven't been diagnosed but now that I am aware of ASD's, they are pretty classic AS.
It might reassure you to know that they are in their late 20's and independent now. (I'll never stop worrying about them though)
One is married, and they have two children, one is adopted (daughter of his wife's brother) - 4 years old; and a 6 month old boy. I find that he is now very responsible and has been able to maintain steady employment. He is in demand in his area for his knowledge in his field. Where I see him struggle still is in special interests. Once he has mastered something, he likes to move on and learn new things. Right now he is considering going into civil engineering. I know this is a concern for his wife who is at home on maternity leave and wants stability in her life at this time.
The second boy is 25. He has had a harder time. He did not end up getting his high school diploma, he is 3 credits short. He struggled with respect for the teachers in high school, he was very passionate about his beliefs and accuracy in what was taught; the teachers often didn't respond well to him and he ended up disillusioned about the whole educational system. He also had more difficulty with organization and not completing assignments. I would love to see him go on to university as he really is a genius however it has to be his timing and him making the moves, anything I've tried to do for him in this regard hasn't been successful. He has worked since he left school in carpentry and is a real artist with wood. He is living with his girlfriend of 4 years, they seem to be doing well in their relationship. He has had to learn a lot more the hard way and he takes things more literally than his older brother which has been an issue with some employers. His most recent problem was when he was audited by our CRA (Canada Revenue Agency). He wasn't able to provide them with what they considered appropriate receipts for some of the tools that he claimed and so they have asked for the money back and also assessed penalties. He doesn't have the money to pay and is in the process of trying to work it out with them. It could be worse and his girlfriend is sticking by him through this, which I find admirable.
Didn't mean to write such a long post, but wanted to encourage you, it may take a little longer for your son, but it sounds promising that he will be OK. My youngest son's psychologist told me this: I have every confidence that your son will be successful as an adult; in the meantime, we need to make sure he gets through school.
Hope this helps a little.

Helps a lot...thank you

if you find the magic pill, please share =)

i have one of those children too, my 14 yr old. sounds like a clone of yours. he isnt dx asd, has some traits, but mainly its defiance and executive dysfunction. we struggle every single day with him. we worry more about his future than his asd brothers future, maybe that will change as our asd son gets older, but with their personalities, i doubt it will change.

i think one of the most important things is to try and remain hopeful. to keep at it, hoping one day they will "get it". one day they will wake up, get dressed on their own, be out the door on time, bring home all their homework, and let us think for at least one day that our offspring will make it out of the nest.

if hes got an iep, get the school involved as much as you can in regards to homework, assignments, and organization of it all. even without an iep, they will sometimes make accomodations for acknowledged issues.

we havent ever addressed the failure issue, mainly because given our sons disposition and personality, if we allowed him to fail, he would completely fail. he would do no homework, no projects, completely lack organization, forget about tests, etc. also, he attends a public gifted charter school, and grades below C average (or C+ in their concentration courses) mean expulsion. the opportunity to go to this school is something we cant afford to let him ruin.

for some kids, allowing them to fail can be a motivator. but if you have a child who shows no responsibility to accomplish on their own, who is literally incapable of maintaining the organization to manage their own life at this point, then failure is unlikely to move them ahead and would only mean sliding so far behind they cannot catch up.

the only option is to put your shoulder to their backside and keep pushing them forward and holding them up at the same time, and hope the propulsion you give them now will be enough to get them to go forward on their own later. when we get to later, we'll see how well the plan worked.

I have the same clone. I just keep telling my self that when it comes down to it. I want to be able to say I did everything possable for my son. No matter what the outcome is. It still not easy.