14 year old son with ASD, how do i tell him he has Autism?

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theWanderer
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19 Nov 2010, 1:00 pm

Emsjane wrote:
He has exceeded all my expectations and
is doing really well.

I hope that continues when he goes to college and I will be there to help him through


I'm glad he's doing well, and I hope he continues to do so. But if you are going to help him through college, you need to understand the issues he will be facing. Yes, I think many NT kids face these, too - but not to the same extent.

A: He will be leaving behind familiar surroundings and familiar routines. Desperate as I was to leave home (I was overprotected to a ridiculous degree), the effect of this on me was about as drastic and traumatic as (I suspect) it would be for most NTs to come home one evening and discover nothing but a crater due to a gas explosion, and have to start all over.

B: He will be leaving behind everyone who knows him and is used to him. He will have to make his way in a crowd of strange NTs who are not used to his quirks. Even the best intentioned are likely to make life hell on him. As for the bullies... :evil: Speaking for myself, trying to get used to any group of strange NTs, even now, is demanding and stressful, and seldom works out that well. I find interacting with NTs about as baffling as the characters in video games, where you just have to figure out what you're supposed to do before the game will let you move forward. Actually, those games are easier: at least the cheat sheets make sense and I can follow those instructions easily. The "cheat sheets" for those of us with AS to deal with NTs either don't make sense to me, or tell me to do things I find difficult or impossible.

C: There will be a flood of sensory issues he may not be prepared for. Strange sounds, smells, tastes, whatever tends to bother him. These are more real, and more important, than you probably imagine. An illustration of that from my own life. I just figured out this last September that AS actually explained all the weird things in my own life, including sensory issues. A few weeks after that, an eye doctor finally identified* exactly what has been wrong with my eyes since birth. It is a rare condition called ocular albinism - and among other things, it means my eyes are very light sensitive. Now, that wasn't news to me. Bright lights have always bothered me. But, among all the other, worse, sensory issues I was expected to "just get over", it literally got buried in the 'background noise'. Think about that for a minute: a verified physical condition which causes 'normal' bright lights (headlights of every passing car, for example) to feel to me like looking into very intense lights (essentially the feeling of a phantom knife blade thrust into your eyeball - if you can, look into a light bright enough to make you feel that way, and you'll know what I feel) - and I never particularly noticed it because it was somewhere in the mid-range of annoying sensory issues.

D: The work gets harder. Many NTs struggle with this. With all the other struggles added in, this becomes a much bigger issue.

E: Suddenly, he's on his own. He is the one who has to keep track of everything, organise everything, plan his time, get his work done. Again, NTs struggle with this one, but without all the extra burden piled on.

In my opinion, the only way an AS kid is going to make it through college without a meltdown is if they're prepared to face all these issues, with at least some strategies worked out in advance. True, I'm not a "professional" - but I have one huge advantage over them. They're observing us from the outside, and relying on that information. I know what it's like in here. And some of the "strategies" will not work for us. To this day, I can't look at the person I'm talking with if the discussion gets serious enough. And, if you force me to "look them in the eyes", that will guarantee I'm not paying attention. Even when I am able to do it, it may degrade the quality of my attention. So what you and he need to work out together are strategies that work for him the way he is, not ones that make the NT world happy. Although, yes, if you annoy them too much, that leads to issues of its own. That does need to be considered - but, in the end, every useful strategy must be one he can work with and live with.

*Yes, in spite of endless visits to countless eye doctors throughout my childhood, almost all of whom gave me a hard time for squinting and dodging their bright lights - including a specialist respected throughout the US (who did at least get it partly right), it took 49 years (the visits to eye doctors started when I was 2) for one of these "expert professionals" to finally identify the underlying condition.


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Todesking
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20 Nov 2010, 2:43 am

I was put into special education classes and I spent 1st grade to 10th grade telling everyone I did not belong in them. Later when I was 40 I went to get tested for autism and was diagnosed with Aspergers. I asked my doctor about my ADHD he said he had seen no signs of me having a learning disability. Maybe your son should take one or two normal classes perhaps he will do well. You never no he might flourish in a normal school environment because he would not want to go back to the special school. :wink:

I never studied in school because I gave up because everyone called me a ret*d for being in special education. I figured if I was not good enough to do regular school work I never would be able to handle college courses. :roll: I was pretty much cheated out of a proper education by psychologist misdiagnosis, my own apathy along with self loathing, and school system that did not care. I have had a slew of looser dead end jobs where I am always the lowest paid and most mistreated.


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Mumofsweetautiegirl
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20 Nov 2010, 5:24 am

Quote:
Against my own judgement, I purchased the book that many people recommend called "All Cats Have Aspergers". My son doesn't have Aspergers, he has PDD-NOS, quite severe. I gave him the book and told him he does not have Aspergers, but something called PDD-NOS which is similar. He cried and said "Are you saying I have a cat disease???"


I can't stop chuckling about this. :lol: Bless his heart, taking the book so literally!

Sorry about going OT... Not sure that I have any advice for the OP. My daughter was diagnosed pretty young at age 5 so she's known from the word 'go' pretty much, that she has autism. 14 is a difficult age; I agree with the poster who said that teens are struggling to form their identities at that age. I remember doing the same when I was 14. Maybe the diagnosis will help him understand himself better, though. Especially if the good parts of ASD are discussed and emphasized, along with the challenging parts, so that it doesn't sound like a horrible life sentence or something. By the good parts of ASD, I'm referring to things like having an excellent memory, stronger mathematical skills, being able to visualize things more vividly, creative thinking ( which is why some of the greatest scientists and inventors had ASD) and that sort of thing.



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21 Nov 2010, 1:19 am

Whatever you do don't mention the character, Rain Man.


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missykrissy
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21 Nov 2010, 2:25 am

honesty and openess are key, i think when it comes to these types of things. i have told my kids right from the day they were diagnosed what it was and even beforehand they knew why they were going to see doctors and specialists. i would think that hiding such an important peice of information, even with the best intentions, will probably be doing him more harm than good. the best time to tell him would have probably been when you found out but that moment has passed. he may not want to hear it and it may be hard for him to listen to but it's something he needs to know about as soon as possible and you never know, it may help him to know so he can figure out what's going on with himself, look into it on his own and will probably be quite releived to know what is making him the way he is. maybe even point him in the direction of this site so he can get into contact with others and vent about what's going on with him. i agree with whoever said that the best discription is that he thinks differently than other people. that is how i initially explained it to my children and i still use that today when one of my nt children says something rude like 'what's wrong with you?" i always tell 'them there's nothing wrong with him/her. remember they just think differently than you?" seems to work well