Estranged wife may have Aspergers but denys it.

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Hi all,

I will try to keep this as brief as I can.

L and I knew each other since we were kids, and even though we couldnt stand to be around each other somehow in our late teens we ended up going out. At the time I didnt notice that I was the one paying for everything when we would go bowling or for dinner, etc, but figured thats what the guy did. A lot of my friends werent too keen on her because (again I didnt notice) they felt that she would make a lot of mean comments about me if anyone said anything nice about me.

Anyway, we got married a few years later and seemed happy enough, although at times it seemed a struggle for her to get out of bed and her moods could be up and down quite quickly. After a couple of years of marriage L had 2 miscarriages. All the attention and affection was put on her (as it should be) but she never asked how I was, which I thought strange. Eventually we had a beautiful baby boy (who has since been diagnosed with AS), and our world changed............

I couldnt do anything for him. I wasnt allowed to change him, feed him, take him out in his pram.................her world was him, and only him. I felt shut out but thought this was a faze that mothers go through for a couple of months. It continued on until out baby girl was born 2 years later. When this happened she said that her life was now complete and that she had everything she ever wanted. A boy and a girl, and a lovely house. No mention of me.

About this time things got worse. L never bought me an anniversary or birthday card, and would never come home with so much as a bar of chocolate for me if she was out. But one day she walked into the living room and said "I dont love you." and walked into the kitchen. But to this day, doesnt remember saying it. A year later I was attacked by a junkie in work and had my face cut. As L had the car I had to call her to come and take me to the hospital. Her reaction to hearing what happened still haunts me........"typical, I've only just sat down to a cup of tea.". Oh and she had her cup of tea before she came and took me for treatment.

She would say hurtful things and not understand why people took offence. Mostly her hurtful comments were reserved for me. No matter what I did, there would always be a criticism. L still does it to this day. And has always struggled with "please, thank you, and I love you." Its as if its not in her vocabulary.

We moved house but things didnt change. It still felt like I was living a family that wasnt mine as L protected her brood from everyone including me.

Eventually I did a stupid thing and met another woman, and left L. It was wrong and I offer up no excuses.

L decided to terrorise my gf for a couple of weeks and that I was NEVER going to see our children again. After many lawyer hours and court appearances and neither myself or my family being allowed by her to see the kids for over 15 months, the court ordered her to let me see them. She had warned her own parents not to get involved or they wouldnt see the kids either.

6 years on and I am now single (gf had enough of me bouncing between being with her and trying to see the kids and keeping L placated) and L and I are going to counselling to help us be better parents although we are separated.

The problem now is the internet. L is obsessed with a dating site and in the past few months has slept with about a dozen guys (usually first or second date) and sometimes meeting them in car parks and only knows their first names (yes, its her life but it is consuming it). When she gets up in the morning she is on it, in the afternoon after work, basically most of the day, 7 days a week. And the children are suffering because of it.

She has spent hardly any quality time with the kids in the past few months and seems more intent on farming them out to people so she can have "fun". Or as she puts it herself "I didnt get to do this when I was 16 so this is me knowing just catching up on every other teenage girl around boys."

The main problem is that despite 15 counselling sessions (in which she talked about me for only 10 mins) she cannot actually admit to herself that she is lying to everyone, or only telling them the parts of the story she wants them to hear. (eg. L told her counsellor that I called her a stupid idiot one day, but didnt mention that when I had come home from work that day she had ripped out a whole fireplace in the livingroom and it was lying in the middle of the floor, with half the wall beside it!! !!)

As I say we are now going to parenting counselling but I know just by looking at her that she isnt going to change the way she is. She knows she has issues and problems but doesnt want to deal with them. Although she will say she is working on them, but wont tell anyone how exactly.

What she does with her personal life is her business, but she doesnt see how it effects others (eg. last friday the kids and I saw the window cleaner sneaking out of the back door when I was dropping them off at a time she knew I would be doing so.)

Her sister is now too scared to get involved as L has told her she wont let our kids play with her kids is she does. Her whole family avoid what is going on just so as not to upset her.

I want us all to get along and for L and I to be the best parents we can be, but its difficult when she wont let me be that unless its on her terms.

I've tried trying to drum home to her what is going on around her, and the kids are unhappy, but she just clams up and shutsdown.

I feel as if I am the only one that wants to try and help her, because everyone else is too scared to "rock the boat".

Any advise on how to deal with and cope with someone that is self destructing in her own world and doesnt care about the consequences to other people?


Many other things have happened, such as her brother's suicide last year (her parents told her he had a heart attack), but I think I've written enough to bore you all.

If you got this far then thank you.

Any advise would be great.

Oh god I hope she doesn't have AS. She sounds selfish and uncaring. I ask my husband if he is alright when I see him in pain and I get him something for his birthday or Christmas even though I hate Christmas shopping, I would never shut him out from being a dad when our kid comes. And lying and not telling the whole story, sounds like painting a picture which I think is a form of manipulation. She does sound like one anyway. I always hated women like that who shut their ex's out of their lives from their kids and her parenting sounds awful.

This sounds like something I would read on AS Partners. That horrible place about AS written by people who have abusive partners or selfish lazy ones but believe they have AS. But some of them do genuinely have it and it's their none AS partners who are inconsiderate and needy so no matter what their aspie does for them is never good enough.

I think you should try and get custody over the kids.

Thanks for the reply League Girl.

I'm by no means a saint and have my faults, but the list of things that are "odd" is staggering at times. It's as if she gets something into her head and has to follow it through no matter what.

A friend once said about L, "if she was driving a car down a narrow street full of parked cars and you said she couldnt go any further, she would keep going even if it meant hitting every parked car on the way, just to prove you wrong."

She probably has something seriously wrong with her but I don't think it's AS. We may be unintentionally hurtful but her behaviour sounds out and out mean, wrong and uncaring/selfish.

Hi GrantP,

To be honest, from what you've written, I don't think your wife is autistic, but she clearly does have serious problems. It sounds to me like some kind of personality disorder.

I'm really sorry that all this has happened to you, your extended family and your children. I feel sorry for your wife as well, because it seems that through her own actions she is destroying the family she has.

Sounds like a sociopath. Really. I don't know, maybe it's AS, but it sounds like a lot of things. What else gives you the idea she might have AS?

This must be making your life a living hell. I hope you find out some answers.

You should have gone for a divorce before doing any affair , you somehow brought up this to yourself.

(but I keep hearing that divorces laws there are sometimes so anti-men ,were you both working ? or were you the only source of income? were you going to lose half of your hard-earned wealth and the custody? .....so I am not sure what I would do in your place).



anyways , it's useless to regret now.

Best move to do now is to hire investigators to watch her moves , recording proofs and evidences of how she's treating the kids and how she's being a bad mother and a bad example to them. This intel might be your winning card for the child's custody later , play it smart and maliciously before striking.

I second this. It sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Ummm...first off, my guess is none of you are actually qualified to make such assertions, or you would probably refrain from doing so just from a story posted online.

OP, if you son is AS, there is a good chance either you or your wife are also on the spectrum or share many of the phenotypes. I'm not sure if you want her to seek diagnosis so that you can repair your relationship, for her benefit or for the benefit of the kids--perhaps its a combination of all three. If its for the benefit of the kids, and overall family relations, perhaps it would be worth it to suggest that the current supports you have used aren't getting the best results for the kids. Suggest that you both get assessed, perhaps, and then let the professionals handle it. If you see it and she doesn't, and she refuses assessment, it might make more sense to state your case directly (and without emotion), again as a means to get the kids the supports they need right now. It might help if you can turn it into concern for her...you seem lonely, you seem to be struggling...I'm concerned you need some more support.

I do notice, OP, that in this whole tale, you don't mention buying her anniversary gifts or expressing to her feeling shut out or anything aside from calling her names because she did something you didn't expect/like to the fireplace, and that you are (perhaps) obsessing over her being obsessed with a dating site. Having been in a similar situation, realizing that I am on the spectrum after watching my kids struggle, and realizing that my spouse is likely there with us...and being unable to convince him of that while our relationship just generally falls to hell...well, your story seemed very familiar. Even the bits you didn't mention seemed familiar. Go find someone who can give you both an ADOS IV and see if that doesn't make the counseling sessions more productive. I wish you well

Grant, when I first read your post, I initially thought her not remembering your anniversary may just mean that she must keep a diary or something to remember special dates, since a lot of people with AS don't remember them and are often preoccupied with special interests etc. However, her saying "I don't love you" and walking into the kitchen or reacting the way she did when you were attacked, is NOT typical of someone with AS. Sorry to say this but you're probably better off without her.

Somehow, I'm not surprised by how quickly people jumped to conclusions about L without first hearing her side of the story.

Listen to what she has to say. And do it with an open mind. You seem to have made up mind that she's definitely "ill" and needs help. It wouldn't hurt to consider the possibility that you might need just as much help--although not necessarily on the same issue(s).

That really isn't relevant pandora, their split up now. It would be relevant if they were going for marriage counselling, but their relationship is long over.

Your wife's behaviour is clearly affecting your children, and that is not okay, and what ever your faults are do not compare to her psychological effect on her children. I would seek complete custodial control until she seeks help for whatever her problems are. it sounds like she has a problem and does not want help for it, so in that case there's not much you can do. I would suggest having the courts appoint a lawyer specifically for the children so that lawyer could argue the best case for your children independent of the influence of either yourself or your wife. Hopefully the courts will realize what a wing ding your wife is a prevent her from having access to the children for the time being.

Actually, it's incredibly relevant. They are in family counseling according to the OP, and really the only reason the OP would have reason to post here if for the benefit of the family...unless he is actually seeking to repair something. Either way, my point is that his tale seems familiar, and tends to be told with a very pointed one-sidedness that also seems familiar. AS is extremely hereditary, and we tend to find one another and breed.

All what we have here is his part of the story , and we're assuming he's saying the truth.

That's the best we can do.

OP, I think @pandorazmtbox has given you some good advice. I second her assertion that none of us are qualified to diagnose your estranged wife. It's possible she's ASD, along with other issues.....it's possible she's not. Because you have a child on the spectrum, I'm also more inclined to think that either you or your wife may also be on it.

The only thing I have to add is that, IMO, you should be focused primarily on your children and their welfare, and not on your wife. Reason being, you can affect changes that will help your children, and again, IMO, there's nothing you can do to help your wife. It seems that she's not interested in being helped, so that leaves you exactly zero options to assist her. Be smart about this, and start collecting documentation that will allow the courts to assess her fitness as a parent. Keep a log of the things she tells you about her exploits, figure out how much time she's spending away from your children, document the threats she's made to cut you and other relatives out of your children's lives. It may well be in your children's best interest to have primary physical custody of them (for now) - and you've got a helluva hurdle to overcome because you cheated on your wife, and left physical custody of your children to her. So get your documentation together, and keep focused on your children's welfare. Good luck.

Um.. I'm glad that you care about your kids and still try to play an active parenting role in their life.

I don't get why you took so much abuse from your wife, nor why you'd accept that type of treatment from anyone let alone someone you plan on spending your life with.

Your ex has obvious issues but quality time? I mean you guys are separated, how could you possibly know every waking moment she spends with her kids. Are they directly complaining to you? Is it bad enough that you'd call her a bad parent? If so, you need to try and get full custodial rights. If not, unfortunately these eccentricities of hers are something you knew about when you got married. I feel bad for you, but.. such is the power of marriage. Also about her being an aspie, a lot of people will try and convince someone that they have aspergers, but being real the last person you want to try to convince you is your ex hubby who cheated during the relationship.