How did you learn Social Skills?

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When I re-learn them, I'll let you know.

Lets see:
My parents constantly correcting and nagging me
My friends picking on me when I screwed up
Watching tv and emulating what the people on tv said and did
Some of the special education teachers who thought I was odd
Watching the other kids in school interacting with oneanother
Learning not to say or do something ever again when I got a negative response
Learning to laugh when others laugh and be mad when everyone else is mad
Following the sage advice of Monkey see, Monkey do

dito here too

Observation for the most part, but within observation, three important factors.

Intelligence. What I was able to do below would not have been possible with an inordinate amount of intelligence. I don't say this as a vehicle of self aggrandizement, but to point out that I would not have been able to absorb and create what I did without higher than average intelligence and very quick learning skills. However, intelligence is both a blessing and a curse.

The next factor was following my Dad around. When I was a very young boy to early adolescence my Dad and I spend a lot of time together. He was a high school teacher and a boys basket ball coach. So I was with him first as a mascot for the team; second, later after I was in school I was with him at practice and traveled to games with him; and final as a manager for the team as I grew older. In other words, I was with him much more than a child is normally with their Dad or any parent for that matter.

The final factor is TV. I love TV. It is the giver of life, provider of knowledge and secret lover. I would spend hours away from my family held up in the basement of our house watching TV, observing and learning.

Ultimately, however, I think it was spending all of that time with my Dad and being around the many social aspects of sports that allowed my to develop an alternate persona for myself that was pretty much 180 degrees different than I was feeling and wanting to act on the inside. This allowed me to navigate the world pretty much as an undercover aspie until much later in life. It was the internal tension between the "real" me and the "for public consumption" created by my intelligence and self reflection that finally led serious mental health consequences such as severe depression, very, very severe anxiety, mild OCD and self destructive behavior.

For the past two years I have been trying to disaggregate the the two version of me to find the one me that is truer to what how feel and how behave.

Observation, mostly, and that's really only come to fruition in the last few years.

My intelligence is only above average and not anything that has given me an opportunity to excel in any practical way, but I have found that it makes things more difficult in socializing because people are intimidated, unless I "dumb myself down" in order not to give the impression that I am looking down on them. Since I am not good at doing that, it has caused me problems socializing, even though I genuinely don't feel that people who are not intellectually gifted are somehow inferior. I wish that I could connect with them but they don't want to connect with me.
I have had this experience as well. I had a therapist a few years ago who was bent on convincing me that my social skills were just fine, and she encouraged me to go out and be with people, something I ultimately found extremely stressful and made my depression and anxiety -- a feeling like I was on an edge always about to fall off -- worse.

As far as learning social skills, mine are quite bad, but two things I have learned are, one, to be polite. This is fairly easily done. You just have to keep the things you say casual and not inquire about people's personal lives. It's also quite easy to remember to say how are you and thank you. The other one is that people like to talk about themselves, so the best way to carry on a conversation is to ask questions, as long as they are not intrusive. I also consciously read articles etc. online so I will have something to talk about.

Who.me? Social skills?

Primary data fiction - I run a bit old fashioned even for my generation.

Try to step through things - minimal and awkward, but enough those who feel kindly can see I am trying and make allowances for deficiencies.

As far as possible hiding discomfort and mingling mostly with those who partly accept.

I watched how my father interacted with people and began engaging them the same way.

Thanks to trial and error, I've a fair idea of what social etiquette is.

But there are times when people jump in shock at something I've said and retort with "How rude!"

TV. I learned social interaction and facial expression from TV. Of course such social interactions and facial expressions don't translate exactly into real life, so it took me a few years to figure that out. Eventually I've managed to use TV as more of a rough guide than an absolute, like I did as a kid. Although I can only interact in simple social ways. More complex relationship and social interaction I am completely dead on. If I can't reference it with something I've seen on TV, I don't know how to deal with it. Which is hard when you are trying to figure out if someone is flirting with you or not. Not to mention how to ask someone out. It just seems to always happen on TV, it doesn't explain the nuances that go on with such interactions. It's rather frustrating.

I learned really lousy social skills from the people I was surrounded with in my youth but later I relearned more polite social skills on my own.

Very, very smart. Being polite is the best way to blend in. It is sorta like a beige wall, people notice for a second and then they forget about. And yes, people love to talk about themselves -- it is a great distraction.

Anyway, back to me....

Well, since I grew up not knowing a single Aspie in my life, and was surrounded by a NT family and NT friends at mainstream school, I've naturally learnt to pick up social cues quite easily. So that's why I've learnt to hide my AS more.

It's everything else what I have issues with; loud noises, change, meltdowns, irritable attitude, special interests, anxious over mundane/trivial things. Also I get rather anxious in crowds. But my general communication with people is very good, for an Aspie. I don't tend to stand out or feel different when I'm with familiar people. I even enjoy getting to know new people.

Last edited by Joe90 on 14 Dec 2010, 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just also remembered. Back when I was 10, I wanted to be liked by everyone so much and have lot of friends, I started to listen to people when they tell me what I said or did was rude. I would never do that again. That's how I even learned it's rude to ask people if they are pregnant or making a comment to a guy about his belly being big and saying he is pregnant. I even stopped saying to people they are fat since that was also rude too. Even if I didn't understand why these things were rude, I just followed the rule only because I wanted everyone to think I was nice and like me and be my friend so I be normal.

But yet I am surprised none spectrum people ask women if they are pregnant. Okay when it is socially appropriate to ask them if they are or not? Or are they just being rude?

Yea,
Trial and error.

Once you know how it is perceived from another vantage point, then it sets in. I sometimes face palm now a days when I think of the inappropriate questions I've asked in the past, or even some past comments.

Believe it or not, I've just learned in the past several years the art of talking on the telephone. I could seem' to sense/ get the rhythm of' when to speak ( "your cue"). Either not enough or at the wrong time; run over someone, or shift the subject. It finally set in in my late 30's.

I do OK. now, or to borrow "mildly competent," as someone posted above,

One thing that I still do is , as my spouse just commented on, is poor eye contact when conversing with someone. I don't sense it, but my wife says " I don't dare stand with you if you are talking to someone, because you will look at me almost the whole time." This is true with someone I don't know too well.

I'll state for the record that my social skills are nowhere near the level of other people in the spectrum in terms of relating to other people in any sort of scenario as well, simply being able to navigate the pitfalls of life one could say though, I'm trying..

Human behaviour is really interesting. What I do for learning it:
- watching people, looking for patterns;
- asking NTs why do people...?;
- reading books and magazines, especially those stupid (occasionally, I want to learn, not become);
- reading popular websites (I know what's on the top, I learn the words, etc.);
- writing on many forums;
- trying to integrate (for example: forum meetings);
- acting behaviours (pretending to be normal);
- my Mom's suggestions (behave like a human, call your friend X, go with X to the cinema, invite X to us, etc.).