Does your sexual attraction to people operate weirdly?

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Harpist
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17 Nov 2010, 7:19 pm

I'm an 18 year old male aspie and only started being sexually attracted to people for the first time back in March of this year. This is obviously very odd. Moreso, I'm told, is how my attraction to people works. It has almost nothing to do with looks, and I can't be sexually attracted to someone I only just met seconds ago. Almost all the sexual attraction (extreme cases don't obey this rule as far as I'm aware - I've yet to be attracted to anyone over 45ish and I imagine I wouldn't be attracted to someone who is majorly deformed) is based on whether I like the woman's personality and whether I respect the woman. Even what I think about how they look is based on this. Intriguing consequences include thinking my best friend is the most gorgeous looking woman I've ever seen, thinking this really kind 31-year old woman I vaguely know is more attractive than everyone I've seen on campus that is my own age, being strongly attracted to any female songstresses whose music I enjoy. Also I was attracted to this woman and when a friend told me some of the bad stuff said woman had done within a couple hours there was no attraction whatsoever anymore.

I was wondering whether anyone else was similarly strange?

Mindslave
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17 Nov 2010, 7:30 pm

That's pretty much how it works for most people, aspie or not.

Harpist
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17 Nov 2010, 7:35 pm

Mindslave wrote:

That's pretty much how it works for most people, aspie or not.

I thought sexual attraction for most men was based largely on looks? Hence people saying "you're not my type" in reference to people's looks when asking each other out &c. Certainly the men I'm around always seem to be far more interested in looks than intelligence...

Smike
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17 Nov 2010, 8:13 pm

Physical attraction always comes first for me

IdahoRose
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17 Nov 2010, 10:24 pm

My attraction to people works in a similar way, albeit not to the same extreme as yours. Although I do have a sense of who is good looking vs. who is not, I have to get to know someone's personality before I can determine if I'm actually attracted to them or not.

In regards to famous people, I become attracted to them if they have taken part in the creation of one of my special interests. For example, I'm attracted to Tim Burton and Johnny Depp because they played a huge role in creating several films which I have been obsessed with for pretty much all of this year. I'm also attracted to Helena Bonham Carter, Crispin Glover, Mia Wasikowska, Christina Ricci, Winona Ryder, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Christopher Walken, Christopher Lee, Stephen Fry and even Timothy Spall because all of them have played roles I enjoyed watching in said Tim Burton films, whether those roles were great or small.

Gremmie
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18 Nov 2010, 5:23 am

IdahoRose wrote:

Although I do have a sense of who is good looking vs. who is not, I have to get to know someone's personality before I can determine if I'm actually attracted to them or not.

I'm the same. Personally I'm never attracted to actors. Sometimes I might be attracted to a particular character an actor plays, but if I see the actor afterwards I'm not remotely interested in them. They might look the same as the character but they aren't the same person. I find myself attracted to characters in books more than films, probably because you get a much broader look at the personality without the physical appearance interfering too much. My biggest crushes are probably on Amit from 'A Suitable Boy' and Razumikhin from 'Crime and Punishment'.

CaroleTucson
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18 Nov 2010, 5:30 am

I think your "manner of attraction", for want of a better phrase, changes as you age. I'm 45 and I'm attracted to a man's character and integrity far, far more than his looks.

It's not that I don't notice his looks. Of course I notice. But at this point in my life I've encountered enough good-looking men who were moral adolescents that my perspective has permanently altered.

It works in reverse, too. If a man shows interest in me, I can usually tell if it's strictly based on his perception of my physical attributes, such as they are, or if he's really interested in me for me.

CrinklyCrustacean
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18 Nov 2010, 5:54 am

Harpist wrote:

Intriguing consequences include thinking my best friend is the most gorgeous looking woman I've ever seen, thinking this really kind 31-year old woman I vaguely know is more attractive than everyone I've seen on campus that is my own age, being strongly attracted to any female songstresses whose music I enjoy. Also I was attracted to this woman and when a friend told me some of the bad stuff said woman had done within a couple hours there was no attraction whatsoever anymore.

I was wondering whether anyone else was similarly strange?

Yes, this is how it is for me too. Once I get to know someone, my appreciation of someone's physical features are altered by how I regard them as a person. My friends look physically more attractive than when I first met them, those I dislike look less attractive. I saw it happen once where a guy in my school who up until that point I liked, was nasty to another guy. Instantly, he became much less handsome.

Daedelus1138
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18 Nov 2010, 6:13 am

Harpist wrote:

That sounds more like romantic attraction maybe, not necessarily sexual but it could be. It's true alot of men are initially attracted by looks, but people with autism aren't exactly typical are they?

I've come to the conclusion i'm probably a bisexual/pansexual slightly gender-atypical (somewhat transgendered). that rates fairly high in asexuality compared to the average person. An individual's personality seem more important to me than looks. I also tend to find heterosexual males unattractive in their appearance and behavior, perhaps due to personality issues ( patriarchy and heteronormativity don't appeal to me, and alot of men live this out daily without really questioning it).

Squirrelrat
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18 Nov 2010, 11:55 am

Everyone experiences sexual attraction differently.

billsmithglendale
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18 Nov 2010, 12:08 pm

Harpist wrote:

Aw, you have a paraphilia -- don't feel bad! Most people do!

Admittedly, the attraction only starting in the last year is pretty weird for a guy your age, but whatever -- Apies seem to be a universe of strange behavior there.

However, what you describe is not that abnormal -- in fact, there are several genres of adult material targeted specifically at your paraphilia -- 40+, 50+, "Mature", etc. -- do a google search and see if that seems to fit what you like.

And to answer your question -- yes, I have weird desires too, along with normal ones, and sometimes I've gotten to indulge. I will say that if in fact that is what you want, you should be able to find it -- put an ad out on craigslist, I'm sure there are a ton of lonely women in that age range who would love to be with a guy in the best shape of his life, and your age.

Eldanesh
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18 Nov 2010, 12:18 pm

The more I get to know a girl the less I think of them sexually.

Harpist
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18 Nov 2010, 1:33 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:

Harpist wrote:

Wait, where in my post did I say I prefer older women (I only stated one example where that is the case)?

Because I don't...my post was focused on how I'm sexually attracted to a woman almost entirely for their personality rather than their looks, nothing to do with an paraphilias.

billsmithglendale
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18 Nov 2010, 1:44 pm

Harpist wrote:

billsmithglendale wrote:

Harpist wrote:

Whoops -- my bad. I misread your post (was reading it at work over two days).

CaroleTucson
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19 Nov 2010, 10:06 am

Eldanesh wrote:

The more I get to know a girl the less I think of them sexually.

That's interesting. I'm just the opposite. The more and better I get to know a man, the more interesting and sexy he becomes to me.

And I'm not "officially" bisexual ... LOL ... but the same is true of women. They become sexier over time.

This is assuming they aren't total a*holes.

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