On looks, leagues and other such irritants...

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Harpist
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27 Nov 2010, 1:12 pm

So I'm reading posts saying how you shouldn't try asking out people who look better than you do and that you especially shouldn't do this if you aren't particularly stunning socially. Dating "out of you league".

I'd never really thought about that before. However it raises a couple questions;

1. How am I meant to know how good looking I am?

2. How am I meant to know how good looking the woman I'm asking out is? This second question might sound silly, but I genuinely have no idea. If I'm attracted to a woman that's normally because I like how their personality is. In other words, I'm going to think anyone I ask out looks really good regardless of how good they actually do look...



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27 Nov 2010, 1:31 pm

Yeah, I really wouldn't make things that complicated. If you like someone, then go for it... talk to them, see if they are feeling you or not. You'll soon know.

If you don't know something, then the best thing to do is experiment. Always. You might start to get a sense of the types of people more likely to be interested in you. Rejection is nothing to be feared in the long run, just more data points to derive information from.

p.s. I love the idea of a guy asking a woman how attractive she is in order to find out. :lol:


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emlion
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27 Nov 2010, 1:44 pm

You naturally (apparently) go for people in the same attractiveness bracket as yourself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matching_hypothesis



Chronos
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27 Nov 2010, 2:17 pm

Harpist wrote:
So I'm reading posts saying how you shouldn't try asking out people who look better than you do and that you especially shouldn't do this if you aren't particularly stunning socially. Dating "out of you league".

I'd never really thought about that before. However it raises a couple questions;

1. How am I meant to know how good looking I am?

2. How am I meant to know how good looking the woman I'm asking out is? This second question might sound silly, but I genuinely have no idea. If I'm attracted to a woman that's normally because I like how their personality is. In other words, I'm going to think anyone I ask out looks really good regardless of how good they actually do look...


I think perhaps what most people are actually saying is, you should rise to the standards you would like in a mate, not don't ask people out who look better than you.

You cannot help your physical features (unless you want to pay for costly, and risky plastic surgery) and not being the best looking person in the world really doesn't matter all that much as far as dating, in real life, believe it or not, but you should generally shower every day and brush your teeth at least twice a day and be vigilant about your image, and make an attempt to be fairly stylish in whatever that image happens to be. I think this is actually easier for men, as women's clothing tends to be complex.

I don't think it's true that you should avoid trying to date people of a different social, caliber, in terms of social skills, than yourself. You just need to make an attempt not to be afraid to speak to the person you like.

I don't really prescribe to that "league" stuff very much, because in practice, if you go to a crowded place and look at all the couples, I'm sure you will see people coupled with those who do not seem to be in the same league as they are. I think attraction is really more complex than that and there are really only a few circumstances where one can safely say someone is definitely out of another person's league, and that may be in an upward sense or downward sense.



Chronos
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27 Nov 2010, 2:21 pm

emlion wrote:
You naturally (apparently) go for people in the same attractiveness bracket as yourself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matching_hypothesis


Interesting. There is probably some truth to this, however I think it would be more accurate to say, in their same perceived bracket of attractiveness. However I have male family members who I can say this is definitely does not apply to. If they see a pretty woman, most of them wouldn't think not to approach her.



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27 Nov 2010, 2:23 pm

Harpist wrote:
So I'm reading posts saying how you shouldn't try asking out people who look better than you do and that you especially shouldn't do this if you aren't particularly stunning socially. Dating "out of you league".

I'd never really thought about that before. However it raises a couple questions;

1. How am I meant to know how good looking I am?

2. How am I meant to know how good looking the woman I'm asking out is? This second question might sound silly, but I genuinely have no idea. If I'm attracted to a woman that's normally because I like how their personality is. In other words, I'm going to think anyone I ask out looks really good regardless of how good they actually do look...

PLEASE DON'T CHANGE.

don't even answer the questions. because a person who is beautiful on the inside can find other people who are beautiful on the inside, and the exterior does not matter except that you are beautiful to each other.

SERIOUSLY, you already live as we should all live. you are expressing the kind of inner beauty we should strive for. it does not guarantee some kind of "success" as other people may want (notches in the bedpost, or many love partners), and it may take time to find someone who is actually worthy of your own character, but the wait will be worth it.


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27 Nov 2010, 3:17 pm

Unless you meet someone with an aspergers fetish, I feel looks don't mean a whole lot when your socially awkward. Not that you should practice bad hygene or anything. And theres good looking and theres good looking. I thought I was pretty good looking for a long time but experience has thought me I still can't walk into a store and buy bread with my looks. When it comes down to it I'm really not that good looking. So I guess it just helps to not count on anything and roll with the punches as best you can and eventually you'll run into one of those aforementioned people with aspergers fetishes. I don't know if its good advice but it feels practical enough.



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27 Nov 2010, 4:39 pm

Imagine this next part whispered in your ear: " uhhhuhhhuhhhhuu huu huuuI want you to talk about history and manufacturing of Victorian homes while we (deleted for content)."



Last edited by Shadwell on 27 Nov 2010, 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nilescrane
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27 Nov 2010, 5:01 pm

Chronos wrote:
I'm sure you will see people coupled with those who do not seem to be in the same league as they are.


There are other factors involved in those cases...money...not-as-good-looking partner has striking personality...common friends...couple have been together for years and not-as-good-looking partner used to look better...better looking partner doesn't feel he/she can do any better (low self-esteem)...and so on.

As it is, I know a few Aspie males that are really, really good looking and get nowhere with women because once the woman finds out how unconventional he is and how bad his social skills are, his looks go out the window. Aspergers in itself is a turn off to a lot of NT women...mix average or sub-par looks in the equation, and it equals "no chance."



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27 Nov 2010, 5:04 pm

nilescrane wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I'm sure you will see people coupled with those who do not seem to be in the same league as they are.


There are other factors involved in those cases...money...not-as-good-looking partner has striking personality...common friends...couple have been together for years and not-as-good-looking partner used to look better...better looking partner doesn't feel he/she can do any better (low self-esteem)...and so on.

As it is, I know a few Aspie males that are really, really good looking and get nowhere with women because once the woman finds out how unconventional he is and how bad his social skills are, his looks go out the window. Aspergers in itself is a turn off to a lot of NT women...mix average or sub-par looks in the equation, and it equals "no chance."


As much as I agree that many NT's find AS a turn off, there are people on here with AS who are rather average in looks or sub par and are still married or in a relationship.



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27 Nov 2010, 5:31 pm

Chronos wrote:
nilescrane wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I'm sure you will see people coupled with those who do not seem to be in the same league as they are.


There are other factors involved in those cases...money...not-as-good-looking partner has striking personality...common friends...couple have been together for years and not-as-good-looking partner used to look better...better looking partner doesn't feel he/she can do any better (low self-esteem)...and so on.

As it is, I know a few Aspie males that are really, really good looking and get nowhere with women because once the woman finds out how unconventional he is and how bad his social skills are, his looks go out the window. Aspergers in itself is a turn off to a lot of NT women...mix average or sub-par looks in the equation, and it equals "no chance."


As much as I agree that many NT's find AS a turn off, there are people on here with AS who are rather average in looks or sub par and are still married or in a relationship.


I know, but the partner of the average/below average looking guy with AS is likely not that attractive herself (which isn't a bad thing...I'm just saying that the average looking, married or committed AS man likely realizes his limits and rightfully so found someone who liked him for him.) A lot of the average/below average looking guys on here still hold onto "hot NT girl fantasies" and don't date not because they can't date, but because they have unrealistic standards. (There are exceptions like Nick and Toad, who don't care about looks and just want a similar-minded women...and I think those guys will eventually find someone.)



Chronos
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27 Nov 2010, 5:35 pm

nilescrane wrote:
Chronos wrote:
nilescrane wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I'm sure you will see people coupled with those who do not seem to be in the same league as they are.


There are other factors involved in those cases...money...not-as-good-looking partner has striking personality...common friends...couple have been together for years and not-as-good-looking partner used to look better...better looking partner doesn't feel he/she can do any better (low self-esteem)...and so on.

As it is, I know a few Aspie males that are really, really good looking and get nowhere with women because once the woman finds out how unconventional he is and how bad his social skills are, his looks go out the window. Aspergers in itself is a turn off to a lot of NT women...mix average or sub-par looks in the equation, and it equals "no chance."


As much as I agree that many NT's find AS a turn off, there are people on here with AS who are rather average in looks or sub par and are still married or in a relationship.


I know, but the partner of the average/below average looking guy with AS is likely not that attractive herself (which isn't a bad thing...I'm just saying that the average looking, married or committed AS man likely realizes his limits and rightfully so found someone who liked him for him.) A lot of the average/below average looking guys on here still hold onto "hot NT girl fantasies" and don't date not because they can't date, but because they have unrealistic standards. (There are exceptions like Nick and Toad, who don't care about looks and just want a similar-minded women...and I think those guys will eventually find someone.)


It would be interesting if the married people on here with AS would post a photo of their partners (with their permission of course).

To be honest I'm as perplexed as most how they came into relationships anyway.



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27 Nov 2010, 5:48 pm

Maybe it's the cynical part of me, but the Aspie men that are better off in the job area might attract some women because of the stability they bring (and a lot of Aspie men are in the computer field which is a pretty lucrative industry.)



Chronos
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27 Nov 2010, 6:05 pm

nilescrane wrote:
Maybe it's the cynical part of me, but the Aspie men that are better off in the job area might attract some women because of the stability they bring (and a lot of Aspie men are in the computer field which is a pretty lucrative industry.)


I really think the job thing is over rated. Many things must transpire socially before a man is in the position to tell a woman of interest what he does for a living.



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27 Nov 2010, 9:25 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Harpist wrote:
So I'm reading posts saying how you shouldn't try asking out people who look better than you do and that you especially shouldn't do this if you aren't particularly stunning socially. Dating "out of you league".

I'd never really thought about that before. However it raises a couple questions;

1. How am I meant to know how good looking I am?

2. How am I meant to know how good looking the woman I'm asking out is? This second question might sound silly, but I genuinely have no idea. If I'm attracted to a woman that's normally because I like how their personality is. In other words, I'm going to think anyone I ask out looks really good regardless of how good they actually do look...

PLEASE DON'T CHANGE.

don't even answer the questions. because a person who is beautiful on the inside can find other people who are beautiful on the inside, and the exterior does not matter except that you are beautiful to each other.

SERIOUSLY, you already live as we should all live. you are expressing the kind of inner beauty we should strive for. it does not guarantee some kind of "success" as other people may want (notches in the bedpost, or many love partners), and it may take time to find someone who is actually worthy of your own character, but the wait will be worth it.


What if someone is ugly on the outside and the inside?