Single men and married women

Page 3 of 3 [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

TeaEarlGreyHot
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jul 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 28,982
Location: California

03 Dec 2010, 11:24 pm

That was very well said.


_________________
Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.


Space
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,082

04 Dec 2010, 12:16 am

Pistonhead wrote:
Better solution: men shouldn't get married.

I like you! 8)
zen_mistress wrote:
Even better solution: people shouldnt have friends.

This too.



Pistonhead
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jun 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,732
Location: Bradenton, Florida

04 Dec 2010, 1:03 am

Aww I like you too


_________________
"Some ideals are worth dying for"
==tOGoWPO==


zen_mistress
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,033

04 Dec 2010, 3:01 am

Pistonhead wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
Even better solution: people shouldnt have friends.


:lol: +1


Space wrote:
Pistonhead wrote:
Better solution: men shouldn't get married.

I like you! 8)

zen_mistress wrote:
Even better solution: people shouldnt have friends.

This too.


Thanks for the compliments, guys! : )


_________________
"Caravan is the name of my history, and my life an extraordinary adventure."
~ Amin Maalouf

Taking a break.


Bethie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,817
Location: My World, Highview, Louisville, Kentucky, USA, Earth, The Milky Way, Local Group, Local Supercluster

04 Dec 2010, 5:20 am

Craig28 wrote:
I have heard that married women should not have single men as their friends. What do other posters here think on this subject?


I'm failing to see how either gender being married
and having friends of either gender
violates anyone's trust or hurts anyone.


_________________
For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly, destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay.


AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

04 Dec 2010, 1:49 pm

Bethie wrote:
Craig28 wrote:
I have heard that married women should not have single men as their friends. What do other posters here think on this subject?


I'm failing to see how either gender being married
and having friends of either gender
violates anyone's trust or hurts anyone.


Well, just from my experience, it doesn't NECESSARILY. But I happen to know a thing or two about my wife before we got married. Like I said, marriage is MUTUAL ownership, so it's perfectly acceptable for either partner to cry foul against the other of some wrongdoing has occurred. Since we don't live by ancient Biblical rules (or other strict rules regarding the sanctity of virginity, marriage, etc.), I think the real test of a married relationship is the pattern of courtship. I think "try before you by" is less than ideal, but for our culture and society it's all we really have unless you want to go back to a system of arranged marriages.

Anyway, to get to the point: My wife had a number of male friends while we were separated in college. There was one guy she never had sex with but with whom there'd been a little drinking and fooling around. I was aware that things happened with her and she was aware of what I was doing with one particular freshman girl. The problem was that I came home after finishing my master's while she was finishing her bachelors after having taken some time off. So just because I came home and wasn't making more female friends and dedicated myself to only being faithful to her, it wasn't quite so easy for her to just start avoiding her male companions. When she came to my place one weekend for a visit, she came clean about an unwanted incident in which she'd been drinking and her friend tried to take advantage of her. I wasn't exactly furious about the incident, but I honestly felt that it was important that if we were to be together, that was just a part of our lives we had to give up. I deliberately turned it into a big fight because I didn't feel this is something we should tolerate from each other.

We both had a lot to apologize for after that. But one thing I did manage to win her over on was that by allowing herself to be pursued by men who wanted her and by keeping company with certain other single men, she did place our relationship in jeopardy. If she cared about "us," she had to start being more careful about who she hung out with and the kinds of people she talked to. Not because single men are inherently a problem, but because there are certain of those whose intentions are less than pure. If I'm being honest, I have to say that there is at least one other person I might say I'm still "in love" with. My wife is aware of that, and while the "sting" of that whole time in our lives has passed, she reserves the right to tell me to not be friends with that person or to even email her. I miss her terribly, but I value my relationship with my wife too much to put it in that kind of danger.

This thread is only about single men pursuing married women, but I'd like to add that the danger is not just from the opposite sex. I have found that same-sex relationships can be at least just as bad or even worse in the kind of negative influence and impact they might have on a married relationship. I happen to know a woman who is a very sweet person but does not have quite such an strict, exclusivist attitude within her own marriage and still enjoys partying. She happens to be one of my wife's closest friends, or at least WAS for a long time. Well, for one thing, I didn't like the way her husband looks at my wife. Second, I didn't like the way my wife would go for a "ladies' night out" (to which I was not invited) and be brought back home by her friend's husband. Shouldn't *I* have been the one she called? Honestly, it was embarrassing. So I basically said, "look, you are NOT hanging out with them again." She wasn't happy about it at first, but she also began to see some of the things I was seeing and has been very respectful of my wishes. She has lots of other friends who ARE a positive influence on her and who pose no threat to our married relationship. In fact, I see a lot of her friends, many of whom are older than her, coming to her for emotional support, and she's the kind of person who will drop everything to help someone through a crisis. Yes, I find it annoying, but let's face it--I married a wonderful human being.

I think it might offend our modern "sensibilities" that my wife and I live in submission to each other and feel the right to place demands on each other at critical times. But I just think it's so important that both partners do everything they can to assuage their partner's insecurities. If it means giving up SOME of our friends in order to maintain the most positive influences on partners and families, it's a small price to pay. And I'm not talking about ALL your friends, just the ones who pose a threat. It is too easy to become domineering and controlling, and that's something with which you must find balance. If you can find and maintain that balance, it shouldn't be terribly difficult to give each other enough space and freedom to do what you want to do within the parameters of marital fidelity.

We believe also in holding each other accountable. When I say Person X is not a good person to hang out with, it doesn't give her the right to retaliate and force me to give up one of my friends. However, if I'm being lazy, spending too much time on WrongPlanet, and not picking up my clothes or keeping my space tidy, she has the right to give me a hard time about it. If she'd too exhausted from working a full day, has to take care of the kids while I'm watching TV/wasting time on the 'net, wash dishes, wash/dry/fold clothes, and won't have sex with me because she's too tired, I've only got myself to blame for not helping out more. Part of the problem, I think, with married couples is they want to keep all their rights as singles while enjoying the benefits of marriage and family. You can't have it both ways. You have to trust that your partner loves you and cares for you enough to be understanding when you feel the need to draw a line. Maybe you CAN resist temptation around Person X, and maybe I should just trust you. But can you do just one thing and stay away from Person X if for no other reason than my peace of mind? We need to be shown sometimes, and if my wife needs that from me or I need that from my wife, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask.



HopeGrows
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

04 Dec 2010, 2:13 pm

IMO, married folks socializing with unmarried people of the opposite sex is not supportive of the marriage. I concede that people in these situations rarely go into them with bad intentions.....but intentions aren't necessarily enough to counter those sneaky feelings when they crop up. It just seems like a better idea to avoid those situations and socialize as a couple.


_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...


Craig28
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,258

04 Dec 2010, 2:55 pm

I am now in a sticky situation, since the feelings, I have grown envious that he is with her.

With no previous experience in the relationship field and no guidance from anyone, I know its bad for me to get in their ways, but due to the lack of experience, I could chose to play dumb and assume I don't know what I am doing. Hmm.



Sallamandrina
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,590

04 Dec 2010, 3:09 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
Craig28 wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
I don't see anything wrong with married women having single male friends as long as they stay friends.


Thats the easy part. The development of feelings of single man to married woman is the hard part. Marriage doesn't stop other men having feelings for her. Marriage is not a magic spell designed for 1 man and 1 woman.


I never said it did. Feelings sometimes develop. My advice hasn't changed since the last time you and I talked about this. Stop talking to her. It's not fair to you, her, or her husband.

Just because you develop feelings for her doesn't mean all married women should avoid friendships with single men. Yours faults aren't our problem.


I agree.

I have male friends who are single - they are good friends to both me and my husband and I never had any problems with them. If they would suddenly become so selfish and disrespectful as to try to destroy or endanger my marriage I would have nothing else than contempt for them and they would instantly get the boot. So yes, it's possible to have such a relationship if you chose your friends wisely and avoid the a***holes.


_________________
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" (Oscar Wilde)


Craig28
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,258

04 Dec 2010, 3:12 pm

My feelings can't be helped. No experience and no guidance, how the hell can I sustain them?



Sallamandrina
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,590

04 Dec 2010, 3:15 pm

You might not be able control your feelings but you can control your behaviour - if the woman is happy with her husband it's selfish and spineless to try to destroy their relationship - and if it's a strong one, you have no chance anyway. But if she figures what you're trying to do she'll despise you.


_________________
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" (Oscar Wilde)


Craig28
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,258

04 Dec 2010, 3:19 pm

Sallamandrina wrote:
You might not be able control your feelings but you can control your behaviour - if the woman is happy with her husband it's selfish and spineless to try to destroy their relationship - and if it's a strong one, you have no chance anyway. But if she figures what you're trying to do she'll despise you.


Controlling my behaviour is easy, I would hate to come between them, They are a nice couple and I have met him once and we got on nicely. Me and his wife get on spectacularly and we both really like and trust each other.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

04 Dec 2010, 3:25 pm

I don't think there is a problem with having friends of the opposite sex who are single, if you are married. However, if said friend is an ex, that might complicate things, but not always.


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


Sallamandrina
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,590

04 Dec 2010, 3:28 pm

Craig28 wrote:
Sallamandrina wrote:
You might not be able control your feelings but you can control your behaviour - if the woman is happy with her husband it's selfish and spineless to try to destroy their relationship - and if it's a strong one, you have no chance anyway. But if she figures what you're trying to do she'll despise you.


Controlling my behaviour is easy, I would hate to come between them, They are a nice couple and I have met him once and we got on nicely. Me and his wife get on spectacularly and we both really like and trust each other.


Then it shouldn't be a problem - if you don't betray their trust, I don't think you are to blame. It's unfortunate you have feelings for her and it would be wiser to avoid her for a while - as long as you see her your feelings will grow. You should give yourself some time to get over your crush if you want to save this friendship - if she becomes aware of your feelings she might end it anyway and you'll suffer even more.


_________________
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" (Oscar Wilde)


Craig28
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,258

04 Dec 2010, 3:30 pm

Being apart from her does nothing, its been tried. The feelings for her will stop when I get my own girlfriend.

As of yet, no girlfriend. My body and mind are deliberately having feelings so that the people around me that know of these feelings can witness what is happening. That way, they are more likely to help me get someone.

I am requesting a lock for this thread.