Cyber spying/stalking, am I obsessed and a creep

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TheWeirdPig
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10 Dec 2010, 1:56 pm

I dated a girl a little over a year ago that I had met online. It was a nice but very brief relationship which ended too soon. The official reason why she broke it off is because she decided to move to a different state a thousand miles away, but there was a lot more to it than that. The night she broke it off, she told me she had a lot of baggage. She puts up walls to protect herself. I asked her about the baggage. She said she has a temper. She said she has Catholic guilt. The one that haunts me the most is she said that she's "always been the kind of girl who feels that she doesn't deserve a relationship." It was a hard night for me, but I acted all macho like it wasn't going to bother me and I could easily move on. She said it was up to me if I wanted to stay friends, and I said yes.

About a week later, I sent her a facebook message being more honest than I had been that night. I told her that I was hurting but I knew she was hurting too. You need to understand, she's acts like John Wayne and pretends everything is ok to her family and friends when it really is not. She responded with "I'm physically attracted to you, you treat me well, I kinda like the attention you give me but that's where the problem lies; I feel you're not the one." (I am so sick and tired of everyone talking about "the one" it is just so much bs and it makes me want to puke, but that is another rant). She said she still would like to keep in touch.

After that , her messages got to be fewer and fewer, shorter and shorter. But it was I who finally wrote "I'm letting you off the hook, and I'm going to try some more online dating." I regret that. I should have made her suffer more. She responded with "Thank you for giving me my space. I think you should try more dating. I will let you know when I move." She did then move, but she let me know after she got settled. We sent a few messages after that, but then I was starting to meet other women online and both of us stopped messaging. It was also about this time that I started therapy with my first therapist.

None of my other online dating experiences were as good as the relationship I had with her. By January, I was very depressed. I kept seeing her facebook statuses saying how good she was doing, and her friends were commenting how she should find a guy. I then my first cyber spying/stalking. I looked up her dating profile from the sight we met and found out she was active again. I wrote her a message on facebook and then unfriended her. This is the biggest regret I've had in my life, and I really mean that. I thought it would be liberating, but it has left me in misery.

I continued to try to date, but after a month or so I realized it wasn't fair to the women I was dating to continue to do so when I still had such strong feelings for the first woman. I looked again at her public profile on facebook, and it still said she was single. After a few weeks, I got up the courage to write her a facebook message explaining that I made a mistake, and I was angry. I thought it was a very nice letter, and said that she needn't respond, that I would get back to her (I know this might sound creepy to her, but that was not my intent). I sent her two more letters, but then she officially blocked me on facebook. That was it. I could not write her anymore and I needed to set up a secret facebook account in order to see her profile (this has got to seem creepy). I would also look at her dating profile regularly.

I continued in therapy. Then mid-summer, her dating profile briefly changed. It said "I'm sick of the games and bs. I'm ready to settle down and am looking for the same." That's basically all it said, then a shortly she prudently changed it to say just "I'm ready to settle down and am looking for the same." After seeing this for a month, I finally decided enough time had passed and I should try again. I sent her a brief message to her dating profile saying it would be nice to talk. Her only response was that she blocked me again and hid her profile. I was pretty much devastated and felt incredibly misunderstood. i just wanted to talk and I believe she owes that to me. I hate how easy it is for her to block me out the way she does, and it is very cowardly and very mean.

It was also about this time that me and my therapist started not seeing eye to eye about her and other issues (he totally ignored me when I said I thought I had Asperger's). I checked back online after a month or so and saw that her dating profile was back up but unchanged. Feeling my therapist was no longer helping me, I fired him and sought someone else.

My new therapist has been helping me with both the issues with her and with the talking about the Asperger's. I have finally decided that I should try giving her a call (I HATE phone calls). I have been working on the courage and confidence to do that.

Her's my problem right now. After her facebook page had not been changed for quite a while (other than adding new likes, etc.) she changed it drastically earlier this week. It no longer states her likes, her location, or her relationship status. All this happens this week, right as I'm mustering up the courage to try to get a hold of her. I check her dating profile. It was up, but as of yesterday it is hidden again.

If you're going to tell me to move on, or she's not into me, save your time; I will ignore you because I've heard it before and have already dealt with it. I am looking for empathy here, and possible ideas for why the abrupt change with her.

And If I sound like a creepy psycho obsessed cyber-stalker, I won't argue with you. Sometime I feel that way and am very self critical of myself.

Oh, and I see my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he will help me.



menintights
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10 Dec 2010, 2:13 pm

Yes.



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10 Dec 2010, 2:18 pm

If she's not interested in you, she's not interested in you. She owes you nothing. If you can't move on then fine, but leave her alone



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10 Dec 2010, 2:45 pm

For gods sake whatever you do don't call her, you'll end up in a prison cell.

I know it can be hard getting over someone who just isn't into you but you have to. I cried for two months when a guy blocked me like that on MSN and facebook.

I desperately wanted to find out what was wrong with me but you just can't. Sometimes you will never know why, and you never get to say your piece. You HAVE to cut your losses and move on. you HAVE to.

I know it's hard, and I know it's upsetting, but you do get through it. I "stalked" his profile every now ad then to see if he had a gf/whatever, but it's pointless. You're better off not knowing.

As the days go by, eventually things start to re-fill the gap in your life. the person eventually is pushed out. Time is the only healer here.

Good luck, and don't do anything silly.



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10 Dec 2010, 2:52 pm

I think it's cowardly of her to block you like that and refuse to talk to you - I think she should at least tell you properly if she doesn't want to talk to you.

As for reasons why she changed, perhaps she didn't change - perhaps the relationship always meant more to you than it did to her, but you haven't picked up on that until now when her rejections and avoidances become obvious and hurtful. People can be quite good at pretending to like you more than they really do.

This sort of thing happens to me all the time - people I think are my friends just start to ignore me for no reason that I can discern. My strategy is to stick to people who don't make me feel bad about myself.

I'm sorry she has hurt you like that x


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10 Dec 2010, 2:58 pm

I think you're kind of feeding your obsession by stalking her on facebook.

I know that getting deleted by my ex was the best thing that happened to me; we hadn't been speaking for months before that (my choice), but that final childish act was very cathartic as he was my first bf & it was hard to emotionally make the break. Sure, sometimes I want to see what's going on/think about trying to find out, but I know that because of my obsessive nature, it would quickly become an addiction & logically, there is nothing good that can come of it. I hardly think of him anymore, and when I do, there is no emotion attached, but for a long time, it was a very painful period.

I think your ex has done you a favour by blocking all her information and the best thing you can do is not try to imagine/find out what's going on. Calling her wasn't a good thing to do; you knew she didn't want to talk to you, so you must have known you were harassing her.

Definitely talk to your therapist about this.



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10 Dec 2010, 3:19 pm

Blunt as it sounds, I'm really saying this with kindness, TheWeirdPig: If you persist you'll destroy any chance with this girl, including being friends. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear, but she doesn't indeed owe you anything - you'll just end up losing whatever affection or respect she might still have for you.

Good luck - I'm sorry you're suffering.

Edit: My post was delayed - both hale bopp and Lene make excellent points.


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10 Dec 2010, 5:48 pm

Quote:
I should have made her suffer more.


:?: :!: 8O


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10 Dec 2010, 5:57 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
Quote:
I should have made her suffer more.


:?: :!: 8O


yeah I stopped reading when I read that
looks like we got another one of "those guys" here
be very afraid



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10 Dec 2010, 6:23 pm

TheWeirdPig wrote:

If you're going to tell me to move on, or she's not into me, save your time; I will ignore you because I've heard it before and have already dealt with it. I am looking for empathy here, and possible ideas for why the abrupt change with her.

And If I sound like a creepy psycho obsessed cyber-stalker, I won't argue with you. Sometime I feel that way and am very self critical of myself.


So -- you don't really want answers or advice, just people who will feed into your fantasy? Those of us who have been around the block (and done some of the things you have mentioned) know that this girl called it quits and tried to let you off easy, thus her palpable sense of relief when you "let her off the hook" Let me warn you that it's not just social censure you are risking by pushing things --she may take out a restraining order, at which point you could very well see your own rights curtailed (including your 2nd Amendment rights, if you life in the U.S.).

You're way microanalyzing this girl -- really, find another one, you are wasting your life, and as far as i know, you only live once.



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10 Dec 2010, 6:28 pm

Seeing you're not here for support in your hard time, here is my opinion on the questions you asked.

If you want possible reasons for the change in her, we don't know, we are not her and I don't see why it matters.

Here is what I got after reading through your post twice.

As the above poster said she tried to let you off easy/without causing drama
When you continued to message her after that she got sick of replying - she called it quits and expected you to go on your way and her on hers - she blocked you on facebook.

That should be a clear indication shes not interested, doesn't want any contact from you from any sites.

No-one here is going to give you a reason why she keeps making her profile unviewable and removes her information, but my guess is because she doesn't want anything to do with you and thinks you're going to stalk her - which - you are (or were) by saying you were going to call her.



cmjust0
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10 Dec 2010, 6:47 pm

TheWeirdPig wrote:
I dated a girl a little over a year ago that I had met online. It was a nice but very brief relationship which ended too soon. The official reason why she broke it off is because she decided to move to a different state a thousand miles away, but there was a lot more to it than that. The night she broke it off, she told me she had a lot of baggage. She puts up walls to protect herself. I asked her about the baggage. She said she has a temper. She said she has Catholic guilt. The one that haunts me the most is she said that she's "always been the kind of girl who feels that she doesn't deserve a relationship."


That's what's most commonly known as the "It's not you, it's me -- but it's actually you" speech. She didn't want to see you anymore, but she didn't want to be careless with your feelings. It *was* a nice gesture, when you think about it.

Quote:
"I'm physically attracted to you, you treat me well, I kinda like the attention you give me but that's where the problem lies; I feel you're not the one."


This is the point where she realized you weren't going to accept being let down easy, so she broke it to you in a more matter-of-fact way. And she wasn't mean about it, even at this point. She was clearly just trying to get the message across that any romantic involvement was OVER between you two.

She still wasn't mean about it, though, and she was ok with talking to you as a friend.

Quote:
After that , her messages got to be fewer and fewer, shorter and shorter. But it was I who finally wrote "I'm letting you off the hook, and I'm going to try some more online dating." I regret that.


Regret is frequently the result of saying things we don't mean.

Quote:
I should have made her suffer more.


That's truly disturbing. 8O

Quote:
She responded with "Thank you for giving me my space. I think you should try more dating. I will let you know when I move."


That's "goodbye," but even now, she's trying to be nice by keeping in touch. That was a mistake -- for her, and for you.

Quote:
I kept seeing her facebook statuses saying how good she was doing, and her friends were commenting how she should find a guy. I then my first cyber spying/stalking. I looked up her dating profile from the sight we met and found out she was active again. I wrote her a message on facebook and then unfriended her.


Here's what I notice... To this point, you've gone into detail about what was said, at what point, even so far as to put quotes around some of the paraphrasing. Yet, when this comes up, you simply say "I wrote her a message" without so much as a hint to the content.

That, to me, speaks volumes about the content -- you became jealous and angry that she was trying to date again, so you blasted her in a message before unfriending her. You were in a rage. That much is clear..

The only question I have is whether you said anything *threatening* or *intimidating* in your message. ??

Quote:
This is the biggest regret I've had in my life, and I really mean that. I thought it would be liberating, but it has left me in misery.


Again -- that's what happens when we say things we don't mean.

Quote:
After a few weeks, I got up the courage to write her a facebook message explaining that I made a mistake, and I was angry. I thought it was a very nice letter, and said that she needn't respond, that I would get back to her (I know this might sound creepy to her, but that was not my intent). I sent her two more letters, but then she officially blocked me on facebook.


.....ignoring the fact that you use the word "officially" to describe being blocked, which indicates a *clear understanding* on your part that she'd been trying to close the door for some time.....

Yeah, she blocked you. OF COURSE she blocked you!

Think about this from her perspective.. She dated you briefly, decided you weren't for her, and so she broke up with you -- and she was at least nice enough to put it all on herself and tried and let you down easy. She moves 1000 miles away.. She keeps in contact, just trying to be nice, and you tell her that you still have feelings for her. She realizes that she needs to be honest and firm about the breakup, so she does that -- but she's still as nice as she can be about it. Things peter out, you talk less and less until you're no longer talking at all. You're not really on her mind anymore...she's moved on, and she probably assumes you've moved on as well.

BAM.

Next thing she knows, she gets an angry message in her fb inbox from you where you almost certainly mentioned creeping around her dating profile, etc -- and you unfriend her. Then you create a fake profile just so you can creep her fb status.. Then you write her *another* message to apologize and say "you'll get back to her"...

I mean...yeah, dude. She's freaked out at this point, and rightly so.

Instead of realizing you've freaked her out, however, what you proceeded to do is.....

Quote:
...set up a secret facebook account in order to see her profile
...look at her dating profile regularly.
...sent her a brief message to her dating profile saying it would be nice to talk.


And what does she do? Well, she does the only thing that makes sense:

Quote:
Her only response was that she blocked me again and hid her profile.


YEP.

Quote:
I was pretty much devastated and felt incredibly misunderstood. i just wanted to talk and I believe she owes that to me. I hate how easy it is for her to block me out the way she does, and it is very cowardly and very mean.


First of all, SHE OWES YOU **NOTHING.** Get that through your head..

Second, the reason it's so "easy" to block people is because these kinds of sites make it easy for people to be stalked...which is *precisely* what you were doing.

Quote:
It was also about this time that me and my therapist started not seeing eye to eye about her and other issues


Which is to say it was about the time that your therapist became concerned about an your unhealthy, potentially dangerous obsession with this girl, so you stopped seeing that therapist.

Quote:
My new therapist has been helping me with both the issues with her and with the talking about the Asperger's. I have finally decided that I should try giving her a call (I HATE phone calls). I have been working on the courage and confidence to do that.


DO NOT DO THIS. She's done with you...it's over. You need to focus on moving on instead of trying to "fix" things with her.

Think about it this way: Do you want to defend any of these actions *in court*??

If not -- DO NOT CALL HER.

Quote:
Her's my problem right now. After her facebook page had not been changed for quite a while (other than adding new likes, etc.) she changed it drastically earlier this week. It no longer states her likes, her location, or her relationship status. All this happens this week, right as I'm mustering up the courage to try to get a hold of her. I check her dating profile. It was up, but as of yesterday it is hidden again.


You *do* realize that she may very well be tracking your visits, and that *may* be why she's hiding everything again.

It's also possible that she's hiding things because she's learned that it's not always a great idea to make so much of one's personal life publicly available...and you may be the person who taught her that.

Please understand that this is not a sign that you need to work harder -- this is a sign that she doesn't want to be contacted through these sites.

Please, please understand that, and respect her wishes.

Quote:
If you're going to tell me to move on, or she's not into me, save your time; I will ignore you because I've heard it before and have already dealt with it. I am looking for empathy here, and possible ideas for why the abrupt change with her.


I *have* told you because you've clearly not "dealt with it" at all. This is part of your problem -- you clearly don't listen to anything other than what you want to hear, and when something doesn't go your way, you tune it out and look for someone who will tell you what you want to hear.

This is *precisely* why you're going through what you're going through right now.

Quote:
And If I sound like a creepy psycho obsessed cyber-stalker, I won't argue with you. Sometime I feel that way and am very self critical of myself.

Oh, and I see my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he will help me.


Hopefully your therapist will find a way to contact this girl and let her know you're thinking of calling so she can take steps to protect herself.

Dude, seriously...DO NOT CALL HER.

LEAVE HER ALONE.



Last edited by cmjust0 on 10 Dec 2010, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

glamourdollxoxo
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10 Dec 2010, 6:47 pm

I agree with what everyone else says she blocked her information for a reason and if she wants to talk to you again it will be on her time because if you keep going your going to make it worse or end any chance of friendship in the near future. I was the same way about my ex and so to solve it I blocked his info from facebook so if I get tempted to search him it wont pop it its drastic but its better this way. Sometimes we are better off not knowing how someone is or what they are doing because it only hurts worse.



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10 Dec 2010, 7:32 pm

I also wonder what the content of the messages is. I mean its hardly fair for us to have an opinion without knowing exactly what he said to her.



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10 Dec 2010, 7:42 pm

okay, so i'm not sure what you are asking for. your title seems to be asking for an opinion:

Subject line wrote:
Cyber spying/stalking, am I obsessed and a creep


but your last paragraph says:

TheWeirdPig wrote:
If you're going to tell me to move on, or she's not into me, save your time; I will ignore you because I've heard it before and have already dealt with it. I am looking for empathy here, and possible ideas for why the abrupt change with her.

And If I sound like a creepy psycho obsessed cyber-stalker, I won't argue with you. Sometime I feel that way and am very self critical of myself.


are you wanting to vent or are you seeking honest opinions?


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10 Dec 2010, 8:14 pm

years ago, I had a similar problem with an ex, a guy who sort of ditched me. He had run all hot and cold when I was with him so I was never sure of whether he wanted me or not.

Anyway he was on my MSN and I could see when he was online, when he was offline... it really messed with my head, seeing his name allthe time, and when he was online I would be really nervous, hoping he would message me. Sometimes he would, giving me the usual mixed messages.

Anyway it got so that one day i made some lunch and turned on my MSN. He came online, but didnt message me. I completely lost my appetite, I was so stressed over whether he would message or not.

That day, I hid his name from my list, so that I couldnt see when he came online, or his name at all even. i sort of made his name invisible...

A few weeks later I was feeling much better. It really does help to have the person out of sight.

So, what I recommend for you: block her from facebook, and not have her on your friends list at all. Remove her completely. Try and use facebook to contact your other friends. And my final suggestion is, try and not spend so much time on facebook. Spend time doing interesting things you enjoy instead.

If you do all these things, it will help. :) .


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