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bobbysands
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23 Dec 2010, 2:39 pm

SacredOreo wrote:
Simonono wrote:
I have never had a real life female friend. I thought I did at the beginning of college but I think I screwed that up by barely talking to her at all because I am so shockingly shy. I don't think I can ever, ever talk to a girl or at least communicate properly because I turn to ice from being so incredibly nervous. I haven't learned to talk to girls like I should have done at school so I am completely screwed now, and for the future. :cry:



Yeah same here, i never really learned how to talk to girls, as i get nervous and i'm very shy


I was the same as you Simonono, about 6 years ago.

But the only way you combat this is going to a self-esteem course. But a week after I went on a 6-week self-esteem course, I want to share one of my experiences with you. I won't reveal the place I once temped at, but in November 2007, I was asked by a female colleague to perform a task for her. One of my colleagues jokingly asked me to get the lady's phone number, But I was so scared having to talk to her. I felt so sick with fear. I kept being stood next to my fellow-dyslexic's friend. I also remember a female temp returned for a second and final stint when we reintroduced ourselves, I stood next to my fellow dyslexic friend.



CaptainTrips222
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24 Dec 2010, 6:56 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.


I did not say cut out trying to make female friends. I just said that removing sexual intent (even underlying) is a must to do so. Guys and girls are a filtered version of themselves with each other if that factor still exists and therefore, can't really become friends.

Have a couple female friends who started as sexual partners, but that part died, and we still kept in touch and are now fully platonic. Declaring no romantic interest from the start could also work, but I haven't really tried it to know.

Aspies have a hard enough time just socializing. Why not remove as many complications as possible?


How you were assuming the OP had romantic intentions, and how you worded your answer. That's what I mean. It was plain rude.



Mindslave
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25 Dec 2010, 3:30 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.


I did not say cut out trying to make female friends. I just said that removing sexual intent (even underlying) is a must to do so. Guys and girls are a filtered version of themselves with each other if that factor still exists and therefore, can't really become friends.

Have a couple female friends who started as sexual partners, but that part died, and we still kept in touch and are now fully platonic. Declaring no romantic interest from the start could also work, but I haven't really tried it to know.

Aspies have a hard enough time just socializing. Why not remove as many complications as possible?


How you were assuming the OP had romantic intentions, and how you worded your answer. That's what I mean. It was plain rude.


Why wouldn't anyone assume there are romantic intentions? It seems like a fair assumption, if he has never had a female friend. In fact, it's next to impossible to not have romantic intentions and not have a female friend. Women are still weirded out by me to this day for the most part, but I have made a couple of friends, mainly because I "cut it out". But that takes time, and telling someone to do it does nothing, because some things can only be learned on a personal basis. What he needs is more self-confidence, not to cut it out. He can do that later. I'm going to assume he needs structure of some sort.

By the way, the responses are hilarious (How obnoxious, oh! Meh! Gawd, who does that?) (Anyone who disagrees with me is WRONG, I say! WRONG!) and his wording wasn't that bad. Blunt, sure, but not mean or rude. A rude response would be more like "Quit being a loser and grow some hair on your testes, and try again" instead of "Here's a way you can do better".



TheRoadWarrior
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25 Dec 2010, 7:56 pm

bobbysands wrote:
SacredOreo wrote:
Simonono wrote:

But the only way you combat this is going to a self-esteem course. But a week after I went on a 6-week self-esteem course,


self-esteem course ? I wish I could find one !



clumsybee
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25 Dec 2010, 9:39 pm

I've never had any women friends under the age of 45. Most young girls and women can just sense something wrong with me and back away quickly. And I'm a plain looking unintimidating 18 year old female. I imagine the creep factor these women feel if an AS man is nearby goes off the charts. Most women are taught forever to avoid creepy people ... I can't remember how many times I heard the speech: "Avoid weirdos, asocial people, people who dress 'odd', people who have odd interests/behaviors, etc. If you don't, he'll rob/kidnap/rape/kill you."

It's not right, but most women internalize these messages before junior high. And in an NT woman's mind (at least the ones I know), AS dude often = creep. A majority of women my age can't understand obsessions that don't include their cell phones, so to them (not pop culture) special interests = freak.

I don't know how helpful this insight is ... but if you wonder why women may be avoiding you it could very easily be their internalized paranoia creep factor kicking in.



CaptainTrips222
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25 Dec 2010, 10:45 pm

Mindslave wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.


I did not say cut out trying to make female friends. I just said that removing sexual intent (even underlying) is a must to do so. Guys and girls are a filtered version of themselves with each other if that factor still exists and therefore, can't really become friends.

Have a couple female friends who started as sexual partners, but that part died, and we still kept in touch and are now fully platonic. Declaring no romantic interest from the start could also work, but I haven't really tried it to know.

Aspies have a hard enough time just socializing. Why not remove as many complications as possible?


How you were assuming the OP had romantic intentions, and how you worded your answer. That's what I mean. It was plain rude.


Why wouldn't anyone assume there are romantic intentions? It seems like a fair assumption, if he has never had a female friend. In fact, it's next to impossible to not have romantic intentions and not have a female friend. Women are still weirded out by me to this day for the most part, but I have made a couple of friends, mainly because I "cut it out". But that takes time, and telling someone to do it does nothing, because some things can only be learned on a personal basis. What he needs is more self-confidence, not to cut it out. He can do that later. I'm going to assume he needs structure of some sort.

By the way, the responses are hilarious (How obnoxious, oh! Meh! Gawd, who does that?) (Anyone who disagrees with me is WRONG, I say! WRONG!) and his wording wasn't that bad. Blunt, sure, but not mean or rude. A rude response would be more like "Quit being a loser and grow some hair on your testes, and try again" instead of "Here's a way you can do better".


That's not how it sounded to me.



jamieboy
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26 Dec 2010, 10:38 am

OP I've never had a female friend irl either. I havent had a close male friend in almost ten years either. But i am far more relaxed around guys than i am girls. I get ultra shy and awkward.



SacredOreo
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26 Dec 2010, 3:40 pm

clumsybee wrote:
I've never had any women friends under the age of 45. Most young girls and women can just sense something wrong with me and back away quickly. And I'm a plain looking unintimidating 18 year old female. I imagine the creep factor these women feel if an AS man is nearby goes off the charts. Most women are taught forever to avoid creepy people ... I can't remember how many times I heard the speech: "Avoid weirdos, asocial people, people who dress 'odd', people who have odd interests/behaviors, etc. If you don't, he'll rob/kidnap/rape/kill you."

It's not right, but most women internalize these messages before junior high. And in an NT woman's mind (at least the ones I know), AS dude often = creep. A majority of women my age can't understand obsessions that don't include their cell phones, so to them (not pop culture) special interests = freak.

I don't know how helpful this insight is ... but if you wonder why women may be avoiding you it could very easily be their internalized paranoia creep factor kicking in.



true, some females if not most of them do see a dude with AS as creepy


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jamieboy
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27 Dec 2010, 8:59 am

Thats a depressing fact isnt it? I think i'd rather not know that most women find me creepy tbh. :(



bobbysands
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28 Dec 2010, 7:16 am

TheRoadWarrior wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
SacredOreo wrote:
Simonono wrote:

But the only way you combat this is going to a self-esteem course. But a week after I went on a 6-week self-esteem course,


self-esteem course ? I wish I could find one !


I saw my Doctor in May/June 2007 and got help to conquer my phobia. I had one or two appointments with a Mental Health Worker. But at one stage, I wasn't happy with certain things, so an alternative was found and The Self-Esteem course option worked.



bobbysands
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28 Dec 2010, 7:32 am

clumsybee wrote:
I've never had any women friends under the age of 45. Most young girls and women can just sense something wrong with me and back away quickly. And I'm a plain looking unintimidating 18 year old female. I imagine the creep factor these women feel if an AS man is nearby goes off the charts. Most women are taught forever to avoid creepy people ... I can't remember how many times I heard the speech: "Avoid weirdos, asocial people, people who dress 'odd', people who have odd interests/behaviors, etc. If you don't, he'll rob/kidnap/rape/kill you."

It's not right, but most women internalize these messages before junior high. And in an NT woman's mind (at least the ones I know), AS dude often = creep. A majority of women my age can't understand obsessions that don't include their cell phones, so to them (not pop culture) special interests = freak.

I don't know how helpful this insight is ... but if you wonder why women may be avoiding you it could very easily be their internalized paranoia creep factor kicking in.


I fully sympathise with you Clumsybee. Just remember those women and young girls are a problem and you are not.

Have you considered any counselling - like seeing a psychotherapist? I did for 3 and a half years.

But also remember those women and young-girls, could well be brainwashed themselves or in some cases, may have had vaccinations which have affected their own health, but deny any knowledge of it. This probably explains why you relate better to women over the age of 45, like I did.

If an appointment with a Psycotherpist isn't a good option for you, ask your Doctor to refer you to a Mental Health Worker. I did so three years ago.

Please, I urge you not to put yourself down.



SacredOreo
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28 Dec 2010, 10:59 pm

jamieboy wrote:
Thats a depressing fact isnt it? I think i'd rather not know that most women find me creepy tbh. :(


don't sweat it, there are plenty of women out there who have good hearts and actually care :)


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29 Dec 2010, 5:32 am

SacredOreo wrote:
jamieboy wrote:
Thats a depressing fact isnt it? I think i'd rather not know that most women find me creepy tbh. :(


don't sweat it, there are plenty of women out there who have good hearts and actually care :)


hah. Yeah it's just having aspergers i'll never meet them.



Reptillian
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29 Dec 2010, 11:51 am

clumsybee wrote:
I've never had any women friends under the age of 45. Most young girls and women can just sense something wrong with me and back away quickly. And I'm a plain looking unintimidating 18 year old female. I imagine the creep factor these women feel if an AS man is nearby goes off the charts. Most women are taught forever to avoid creepy people ... I can't remember how many times I heard the speech: "Avoid weirdos, asocial people, people who dress 'odd', people who have odd interests/behaviors, etc. If you don't, he'll rob/kidnap/rape/kill you."

It's not right, but most women internalize these messages before junior high. And in an NT woman's mind (at least the ones I know), AS dude often = creep. A majority of women my age can't understand obsessions that don't include their cell phones, so to them (not pop culture) special interests = freak.

I don't know how helpful this insight is ... but if you wonder why women may be avoiding you it could very easily be their internalized paranoia creep factor kicking in.


Seriously? They find people who have those thing you mention such as asocial, odd people, and things like that very creepy? Oh I can't imagine how much you had to go through. As a loner myself who have quite some odd behavior, I can understand why they might find me creepy, but I'm glad to have few girls who actually understand who I am.



howzat
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31 Dec 2010, 4:07 pm

I don't really have a problem talking to woman to me they are just like everyone else as long you don't give them the wrong impression then your fine.



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