Do you feel like your the friend that doesnt matter as much?

Page 2 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Chickenbird
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 317
Location: New Zealand

02 Jan 2011, 3:51 pm

amusedviews wrote:
All the time! I don't know if I just keep getting bad friends or, well I don't really know. I'm usually a really good friend, I spend time on other people but it never seems to be recipricated. I get people birthday and christmas presents that took time and energy, they give me a card. :(


This used to happen to me, too, it would always be "less than" - sometimes nothing. So, I stopped. I have to say, after the initial grief, things improved. I never phone anyone, but they phone me every few years when they really feel like it, and I appreciate it instead of thinking "less than" the whole time.

I think Less is More, when you are an aspie.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


kruger4
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 264

02 Jan 2011, 8:10 pm

I'm pretty sure it's because aspies don't show their emotions much to other people and so other people most likely won't try it either or maybe think that you just don't want to talk about those things.



chessimprov
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 293
Location: Philly

02 Jan 2011, 8:26 pm

kruger4 wrote:
I'm pretty sure it's because aspies don't show their emotions much to other people and so other people most likely won't try it either or maybe think that you just don't want to talk about those things.


That could be just a small piece. I think it's more likely that maybe they cannot deal with the differences or do not want to, and do not feel a need to admit it. The best advice I can give is try to look for other things to do and if you can, other friends to network, build with, and maybe connect with on an even better level. Don't let go of what you have, but keep looking around. Maybe even post somewhere on here and see if anyone is near you- it's more likely you can become friends with someone on here because they are likely to have a similar enough mindset to yours and both of you can learn from each other.

Also keep in mind, other people have their own agendas good or bad. Some people are not as emotionally attached as we tend to be. So if they move far away, they may feel no need to keep connections, which I hate. I understand a lot less communication, but to totally cut it all off I think is just dumb. Alas, that is the world we live in. . .

I really like CranialRectosis's advice/post.



passionatebach
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 8 Nov 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 440
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa

03 Jan 2011, 12:00 pm

It took me a long time to realize that people in my life, have other lives as well. I was a deeply devoted and loyal friend, but I had a tendency to always want to spend time with my friend. Unfortunately, they also have other friends, family, jobs, etc that they have to deal with.

One thing that I have noticed with many of my friendships as well, is that they are not spontaneous. While, I am not disliked by people, people do not necessarly like to be bothered by me all the time as well. There have been times when people that I knew gained a trait or an interest that I found very desirable, I would seek out their friendship. This often ended badly.

When somebody gives us a little attention, I feels good to us so we have a tendency to want more. Like I said above, friendship is based around those common and spontaneous interactions. A couple minutes of conversation in the grocery isle, being on a committee with someone and sharing the expereince, etc is how most NT conduct their friendships.



Radiofixr
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,504
Location: PA

06 Jan 2011, 3:47 pm

I have had over the years always been used for the things I can do it seems-Its like I am taken out of a box and used and then put back into a box for storage until the next time I am needed-I had a friend who was like my brother even more than my own brother and they just stopped communicating with me after knowing him for 30 years and that hurt-I have one friend now-and thats all 1 friend now and he is also on the spectrum and I couldn't ask for a better person to have as a friend! As aspies we like our alone time but we also like to not be alone too-lonliness isn't all that its cracked up to be-I spoke to a young man on IM one night and asked him if he had any friends-this young man is an aspie and he said "well I know people in school but I do not hang with any of them outside of school-I am always the one left out of things and not invited to things" and it kind of upset me to hear that because it reminded me of when I was his age-we have acquaitances but not friends-people we know from somewhere but not a person we hang out with or are friendly with. AS has so many pluses and then there is the other side-the negative and the lonliness is a major minus and for me it is not that easy to just say how I feel to someone or brush things off or start a conversation-these things that are easy for NT people but extremely difficult for me to do when I am outside my comfort zone-NT people say "just do it" and I just can't.


_________________
No Pain.-No Pain!! !!


jmnixon95
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,993
Location: 미국

06 Jan 2011, 3:57 pm

Sometimes.
People don't invite me places because they already assume I'd not want to go.



CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,125

06 Jan 2011, 9:25 pm

Skinnyboy wrote:
I'm like the Sith with friends, I've only really had one at a time in my life, but we are often great friends. I don't do nearly as well in groups, I need lots of one on one time to develop communications, if four friends get together I'm just swamped with too much activity.


The Sith comparison made me smile.

To answer to OP, yeah, I've definitely felt like that before, but I don't stick around in the relationship. I sometimes feel like s*it because of it, but I keep looking for something more reciprocal. I just put my faith in god and keep going.



Fu-Manchu
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jan 2011
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 22
Location: a little west of Boston

06 Jan 2011, 9:40 pm

tangomike wrote:
Throughout my years Ive had friends and still have about 4 friends who I see regularly and consider close. With my past friends and even these 4 people, I am considered their friend but I get the feeling like they dont feel quite as close to me as I do to them. Its probably because they have so many other friends in their lives that I dont matter as much, dont get me wrong I matter....just not as much as some of their other ones because Im not as spontaneous, loud, funny or good looking as the other friends.

Basically I feel like to me these 4 are my #1 friends but in their eyes I might be say friend #5 or even #10 because they have so many more buddies and gals they also associate with outside our friendship. I get so sad thinking about it but I realize it could all be a matter of perception.

I feel just like you do! Since I have basically no self confidence it makes it tough. My friends are both models and are extremely confident. Both have many friends. I like to know that I am just as important to them as they are me. Maybe I am. I just can't tell or read them most of the time. They do know me and assure me at times that I mean very much to them.



Todesking
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,088
Location: Depew NY

07 Jan 2011, 1:51 am

I am the friend the wives or girlfriends make their partners get rid of first. They do not get my humor what their boyfriend/husband see in me. They use all manner of reasons to keep them away from me like: he has a dead end job, he lives with his parents, he gets into too many fights, he acts weird around new people or her friends, or that I was in special education in high school and their boyfriend/husband can do better in having me as a friend. :x b*****s one and all. Screw em' I am autistic I feel better alone. :wink: 8)


_________________
There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die -Hunter S. Thompson


Kaybee
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Oct 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,446
Location: A hidden forest

07 Jan 2011, 7:22 am

Yes. It's part of why I moved away and why I don't move back. I realize it's probably all in my head, as they say, but that doesn't stop the feeling. But everyone loves you when they only see you once a year. I'm hoping it doesn't turn out that they love you less when they see you less than once a year.


_________________
"A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it."


Todesking
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,088
Location: Depew NY

07 Jan 2011, 11:19 am

jmnixon95 wrote:
Sometimes.
People don't invite me places because they already assume I'd not want to go.


A lot of people stop hanging out with me due to this. They think I do not like them because of it. I use to get invited to weddings all the time but I kept saying no so I guess people do not like getting told no.


_________________
There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die -Hunter S. Thompson


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,406

07 Jan 2011, 11:57 am

I've noticed sometimes that "friends" will seem to take other people more seriously than they take me, as if they had a common language that I can't speak. I've also noticed that an Aspie friend of mine is seen like that by others - he seems more autistic than I am, and one or two mutual friends seem to prefer my company to his, perhaps because I can reel off pseudo-NT signals and comments in a way that he can't. One guy was actively recommending we stopped associating with him just because he was "so obviously on the spectrum." :evil: In a sense I know where they're coming from - he fails to give out a lot of the usual "social reassurances" that would make people know that he likes them, and he has a tendency to cut across other people's thoughts in conversation, so it's easy to imagine he doesn't care about anybody but himself. You have to infer his feelings by looking at the way he always remembers when he's going to meet you, and turns up regardless of foul weather and poor transport, and by the way he never excludes anybody. But when he performs music as a floor singer he's been known to get more applause than anybody else in the place......his music is probably no better or worse than anybody else's, but I think some folks will by nature take the trouble to include people who seem strange, and I think that's why I like the place so much.



ProfessorX
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Feb 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,911

07 Jan 2011, 5:09 pm

In terms of how I'm treated as a friend? Well, rarely do people ask me to go somewhere or do things as well, most persons feel that I'm sort of slow,dim-witted person whom is capable of carrying on in various social scenarios..Many years I simply let people go about their business and don't make any inquiries as to whether I can tag along or such..



tangomike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Oct 2010
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 675

08 Jan 2011, 2:29 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
I've noticed sometimes that "friends" will seem to take other people more seriously than they take me, as if they had a common language that I can't speak. .


I definately feel this way. My friends accept my ways and my awkwardness, but they just assume I'm super reserved instead of socially impaired. When I do speak, their reaction is kinda like, 'Dude what?" or "dude, i dont get it" "I already know" since I tend to point obvious things out. im not taken that seriously either



biostructure
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,452

08 Jan 2011, 3:29 am

Yes, I've noticed this quite often, though sometimes I wonder how much of it has to do with simple numbers and the fact of how busy many people's lives are. In other words, I have fewer friends overall than the average person, generally don't like talking much with random people I meet throughout the day, and prefer to see friends in small groups. This means that even though my overall need for social contact is much less than that of the average person, those other people have fewer "slots" in their day that they don't have someone to meet with, if they want to meet with a friend at that time. Then also much of their social time is spent in groups where everyone kind of knows everyone else, so if I am that lone friend who only knows one of them, I "bring" less total friendship if I join, figuratively speaking.

I think these might have as much to do with the one-sidedness as people not liking me that much, as the thing of people being unavailable tends to happen even with friends who seem to really like being with me once they make the time to do so.

I have noticed one curious exception, and that is with religious people who meet me in the context of debating religion. That has not happened since I left my undergraduate years, but back then it happened several times that I was the agnostic who someone chose to debate religion with. Once they realized that I was skilled at arguing my (non)beliefs despite disagreeing with them, it somehow made them tend to get interested in me to the point where they would take the initiative to meet with me--which tended to annoy me because I felt such debates went nowhere.