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Chickenbird
Deinonychus
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Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 317
Location: New Zealand

04 Jan 2011, 9:48 pm

Can I share with you something that is helping me deal with the idea of making social
mistakes all the time?

I've been having a meltdown or something in the last couple of days and it came to me
yesterday that I have no choice about "putting my foot in it" constantly with people. I
can't see how I can "learn" not to when social situations are so unpredictable, and in any
case I don't want to go through life like a robot; anyone who liked the robot wouldn't know
the real me, so what's the point.

But I can hope to become less intolerant of other's mistakes and their outrage at mine.

Here is an example from life:

We have chickens and the other day my husband commented to me that he couldn't believe
not only how inconsiderate they both were of each other - stepping in the food, tripping over each
other, both trying to lie on the same spot - but also how incredibly tolerant they were when the
other did it to them. It's very endearing to watch.

I have a number of aspie-like people in my family and in the last few years such awful things have
happened that I have avoided them in the hopes of protecting my life from their thoughtlessness.
Now I know that I am helplessly thoughtless myself, I think it might be time to let them back into
my life.

Does this make sense to anyone else? Please give your thoughts. I apologise if I have inadvertently
included you in something that doesn't apply to you; I'm new to this.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


jamesongerbil
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Joined: 17 Sep 2009
Age: 37
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05 Jan 2011, 2:48 am

Yeah, it makes sense to me. But knowing social rules isn't like becoming an automaton. Looking back, even when I tried, it still may have come off as "off," since I am only now comprehending the rules, really. Some of them. A lot of them are "context"-based. Like, that in itself is a rule. "Spontaneity." It's pretty freakin' unpredictable, all right. Several sudden shades of gray.
Not knowing them is the main trait of autism. But... with that knowledge, you can adapt yourself better based on the situation. Like, knowing how something might come off as, and adjusting. Or something. I may be not the best one to talk about it. It's opposed to just going along with it and pretending you know to keep face. That really sucks. I mean, sometimes it goes well, and it's how I've "passed" but it's ultimately unhealthy, I think. Too much stress. I'm sharing with you my experiences.



Chickenbird
Deinonychus
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Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 317
Location: New Zealand

05 Jan 2011, 3:55 pm

jamesongerbil wrote:
Yeah, it makes sense to me. But knowing social rules isn't like becoming an automaton. Looking back, even when I tried, it still may have come off as "off," since I am only now comprehending the rules, really. Some of them. A lot of them are "context"-based. Like, that in itself is a rule. "Spontaneity." It's pretty freakin' unpredictable, all right. Several sudden shades of gray.
Not knowing them is the main trait of autism. But... with that knowledge, you can adapt yourself better based on the situation. Like, knowing how something might come off as, and adjusting. Or something. I may be not the best one to talk about it. It's opposed to just going along with it and pretending you know to keep face. That really sucks. I mean, sometimes it goes well, and it's how I've "passed" but it's ultimately unhealthy, I think. Too much stress. I'm sharing with you my experiences.


Sounds like you know what I am talking about. I like the "sudden shades of grey", that's what it's like for me too. I've realised I love people, but I would rather play cards with them than converse. I see now it's because I can understand the rules there.

This is a huge step forward - I used to really hate people, and that was because I was so far out of my depth. How could they express tolerance, when I couldn't admit to a weakness?

I agree we can learn social rules for those times when we just have to cope - like if you are in the supermarket (simple transaction) and you meet someone you know (extremely demanding transaction). But I don't think it's charitable to put ourselves in those situations
on purpose when we know that 1. we can't cope and 2. we look like an other adult. That's what they call an "attractive nuisance".

Thanks so much for responding jamesongerbil, you have made my day :)


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.