Aspie Teens: Are they more immature?

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magicmom
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05 Jan 2011, 11:52 am

Against the clock, Yes, I do agree it is all how you define maturity.

In fact when I look at my post about maturity or youthfulness.
I realize that if my other child (non AS) were in a room of all Aspies.
That teenager might be considered very immmature.

I guess, I was trying to sympathize with the poster's perspective. I am a mom of
an AS son. I find it a bit more challenging and perhaps I am blaming maturity on AS.

Is immaturaity part of AS?
No, not at all, This is just my personal experience. He is a great kid, I adore him but he
does struggle with "issues" that my other child does not. Is it because he is not mature
or that he is a bit behind? Not sure. I do know that I have seen him grow and become
more mature, wiser, able to understand....
At a different pace than his peers. All good. No judgement. It is, what it is.

Asp-Z
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05 Jan 2011, 3:54 pm

jmorse28 wrote:

My son is about to turn 15 and is a freshman in HS. He was diagnosed 11 years ago so I'm very knowledgeable about Asperger's. He's very high functioning. Has been mainstreamed since kindergarten, and has had all services taken away although he still has an IEP. No one ever really knows he as Asperger's unless I tell them. People just basically think he's quiet. I think people pretty much leave him alone because of his size...he's already 5' 10" and has always been really big.

Anyway, my husband and I were talking the other day and we were discussing the fact that he doesn't seem to have the same interests as other boys his age. I mean, not to give more information than you need, but he's pretty much gone through puberty and he doesn't seem interested in girls. I see him check girls out now and then but if he sees us looking at him, he'll look away really fast like he's embarrassed. Almost like he shouldn't be looking. We always tell him that it's ok to look. It's normal for his age but he just shuts down and changes the subject. He also just doesn't seem to be in the subject matter as boys his age. He's on social networking but he doesn't post very much and when someone posts to him or sends him a message, half the time he doesn't even respond. And his profile pic is always some character from a book he's reading which I wonder if other kids find that dorky. Granted, EVERYONE knows him as the bookworm. He loves his cell phone but only ever texts us or his aunt, never anyone from school but he doesn't have any close friends anyway.

So, do any of you have a teenager or WERE a teenager that wasn't into the same things that all the other kids were into? Or it took you (or your teen if you're a parent) longer to be into the opposite sex? Do they tend to mature slower even if they've gone through puberty?

Thanks for any input.

I'm a 16 year old male Aspie.

I get embarrassed when my parents see me looking at girls, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested.

As for generally not being into the same things as everyone else, consider that a good thing as a parent. It's better to be a bookworm than to be obsessed with being a "gangsta" as most of my peers are.

I don't get how you've come to the conclusion he isn't mature. From what you've said, it sounds like he's more mature than most people his age. Just let him be himself. One thing I hate, and I'm sure he does too, is being pressured into acting like someone he isn't, especially if the pressure is coming from his parents.

Simonono
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05 Jan 2011, 4:18 pm

I am very interested in girls, but I get very, very embarassed if my parents talk to me about it. I try to hide it so much. I just want the freedom to talk openly about them but my Dad and Brother would never stop teasing and judging me

I can't even have a girl as my pc desktop or posters in my room because they would just make fun of me so badly.

CockneyRebel
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05 Jan 2011, 4:26 pm

I was never interested in members of the opposite sex, but I'm quite mature in other areas.

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Chronos
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06 Jan 2011, 4:16 am

magicmom wrote:

I have found exactly what you say to be true with my son.
My son is a Great Kid. I adore him. But he is about 7 years younger than his peers.
Having a younger non Aspie teens has made me more aware of how immature and rather
innocent my AS son is.

There are good things about being immature (youthful) and some rough things.

The good:
Great sense of humor, care free view of life, Enyoys still playing with toys, reading
certain books, playing family games, family time, Polite but distant with girls (this will come
later takes time and comfort) and with his youthful attitude comes a kind soul. helpful
to others, kind, caring and truly a benevolent friend.

The rough:
Bathing reminders, manners, not responsible to care for our pets

This doesn't really have much to do with irresponsibility. If he needs to be reminded to bathe, chances are, he just really doesn't care to. He is not sufficiently dirty enough for it to bother him to the point of caring to take the time to do it without prompting.

magicmom wrote:

I can not assume my son can handle being alone, or cooking for himself or protecting
himself. He is vulnerable. It is harder to teach street smarts and how to make your way
day to day to my AS son.

Are you sure about this? I was quite shocked to learn that my parents had thought I would have to be placed in a home someday. Growing up, I had no idea they had such inaccurate perceptions of me and my abilities. The truth of the matter was, I was a lot more capable in such respects than NT's of the same age. Just because your child (adult child or otherwise) does not do something the way you would do it, does not mean they are not insufficient at it for their purposes.

I will give you a word of warning though. If you always do it for him, he will probably never do it for himself. People with AS hate transitions and large life changes and need incentives to do things such as cooking, and the likes themselves. When I was 15 my mother told me "You're 15 and I'm not doing your laundry any more." If I wanted clean laundry I had to do it myself. And do you know what prompted me to finally do my laundry? If you wear the same jeans for two weeks without washing them, the texture changes, and I didn't like the way the texture felt. Socks also become stretched out, and then they bunch between your toes and the seams get in the way, which I couldn't stand.

Honestly, and I think all parents should keep this in sight, most teenagers aren't as "innocent" as you think. That is not to say they all go out and do bad things, but your son may be more wise to the ways of the world than you think. Remember, people with AS have COMMUNICATION issues, not cognitive issues, and part of this communication issue is properly representing themselves and their abilities.

magicmom
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06 Jan 2011, 7:00 am

Hi Chronos,.
Excellent advice and I will follow that word of warning.

Today he is unable to stay alone in the house. It almost burnt down the
last time a gas stove with a pan was left burning, he was unaware or
perhaps chose to ignore the smoke.

The bathing, personal care, laundry... all excellent warnings. Thank you for this.

I want to ask because I really do not know, Maybe you can help me.
What about executive functioning issues and awareness of time?
My son does not seem to have a concept of time, time of day or
how much time he has left before he has to leave, or when the class ends
or when he has to get up for school. He sets an alarm for himself and
does get up, get ready all on his own but this could happen at midnight if
the clock went off or noon, he does not seem to know what time of day it is.
He is always late for his classes which drives his teachers nuts. If you ask
him to be at this door at 4:00 he may show up at 5:00 but never at 4:00.
..I wish I knew why. Now that he is able to drive it does not effect us. If
he is late or does not arrive when we want, no worries he will deal with it.
I am just curious.

slashfrehley42
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06 Jan 2011, 9:47 am

magicmom wrote:

Does it amuse anybody else that someone called Chronos is being asked about time-related issues?

slashfrehley42
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06 Jan 2011, 9:52 am

magicmom wrote:

Does it amuse anybody else that someone called Chronos is being asked about time-related issues?

Also, I'm seventeen years old and was diagnosed with AS when I was about ten or eleven. My mother would tease me relentlessly about girls, so I'm more than embarassed when she endeavours to get involved in my "love life" (asking about girls, sex and so on). So maybe lay off on that front, and when things happen (I assure you, they will), he'll be able to speak to you about it. The last thing you want is what I have, where I can't communicate with my mother. Adolescents are not at all innocent. I've been drinking and smoking since I was fourteen. We're just all very, very good liars.

Chronos
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06 Jan 2011, 9:28 pm

magicmom wrote:

You might ask him about this. He may have a different concept of time, or he may have transition issues, or both. He may get so absorbed in things that he doesn't know how much time has passed, or he may not care, or he may be bad at estimating how long it takes him to complete a task.

I actually have a fairly good internal clock as far as estimating time, which I developed in college, however my perception of time is still quite different from most individuals. I have very good distant long term memory. Events and relations I do remember from 10 years ago, for example, seems no more distant to me than events that occurred yesterday. I have to keep this in mind when meeting old "friends" because for most people, 10 years represents significant distance which has grown between two people in a relationship. In my mind, that distance is not usually present to such a degree. Perhaps it's because I tend to change less.
Some studies have found that the brains of those with AS do not undergo the same degree of synaptic pruning which occurs in the brains of most people as they age.

I also have a fascination with limits, past, present, future and causality....time is quite an interesting thing in many respects. It's quite odd if you really think about it. In the limit of things, on the quantum level, there comes a point when two states exist at once.

Did an event occur at 0.1 pico seconds, or 0.2 pico seconds. Or maybe between 0.1 and 0.2 pico seconds the event had both occurred and not occurred.

I would simply ask him about his time management issues.

Ahaseurus2000
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07 Jan 2011, 3:42 am

jmorse28, Does your son feel anxiety or shame about having interests in girls?

Me myself, I definitely took longer before getting interested. Or doing the things considered mature for my chronological age.

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XFilesGeek
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07 Jan 2011, 8:09 am

What exactly does wanting to have sex/relationships have to do with "maturity?"

I'm an asexual/aromantic, but I do not consider myself "immature." I was never interested in the opposite, or the same, sex, but I currently live in my own apartment and take care of myself just fine.

Your son probably isn't asexual, but, regardless, sex and dating don't really have anything to do with maturity. Sexuals can be some of the most immature, egotistical, emotionally hysterical people on the planet. Go read the "Love and Dating" subforum for a demonstration of just how immature certain sexuals can be.

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magicmom
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07 Jan 2011, 8:39 am

slashfrehley42,
I am not the original poster who spoke about her son's level
of maturity and sexuality. (interest in girls)
To be clear My son's sexuality is his own business.
He has had girlfriends before and currently is single but this
will change soon.
~mm

Chronos,
Thank you again for some great insight and I do agree that
it is something to talk about with him. How he views time.
He has this terrific memory and can remember events, smell,
sights that he saw at age 3. This is amazing to me.
~mm

XfilesGeek,
I wonder if the orginial poster is more concerned with her son's
sexual progress or maturity than he is. This is normal for moms
to do. We worry about out kids fitting in, being part of the group,
falling in love, being loved for who they are....
I notice that my AS son, is far more practical about relationships,
sex and intimacy than my other non AS child. The non AS child
tends to get caught up in what every one else is doing and less
about what she wants. She has to keep rethinking things
and discover what it is she wants in her life not what is bombarded
by the media, advertising or peers.
~mm

websister
Snowy Owl

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07 Jan 2011, 11:28 pm

I have four sons, 3 with ASD, one NT and I have ASD myself.
As a teen I was a very private person; I was often thought to be very mature for my age and had to take on responsibilities like part time employment and family meals, etc earlier than most of my peers so I'm not sure that "immaturity" is the right word. Developmentally though, I do not feel that I was ready for a relationship, even though I thought I would have liked to have a boyfriend earlier than I did.
With my own boys, I do/did not push or tease them about girls; I could tell they were interested in girls by watching them and also by the increased time and energy that began to be put into hygiene and appearance (after all those years of trying to get them to shower, suddenly I couldn't get them out of the shower).
I found it interesting that alll of them, even the NT did not seem to be aware of interest shown to them by girls; girls have had to be fairly obvious i.e. saying "I like you".
I feel that my boys were comfortable coming and discussing girls/relationships etc. with me because they knew that I would not tease them and I also would not embarass them publicly. They also knew that I would keep what they told me confidential.
I hope you don't take this as being critical, it's not meant that way - if your son is anything like the way I or my sons were as teens, you and your husband might want to tone down the teasing, especially in regards to girls. Being a teenager is a difficult and sensitive time for most teens and puberty can be even harder for a teen with AS.

ediself
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08 Jan 2011, 4:25 am

I agree with previous posters, the sexual matters are a very private thing, i remember when i was 14 or 15 , i was not a virgin anymore but my mother thought i was, and she thought it was a good idea to tell me things such as "sex is not dirty" and " you can go sleep at "that boy's" house if you want to" that made me feel violated to the point that i kept everything to myself. It made me feel as if she was interrested in my sex life, as if she was trying to get aroused through the stories i "should" tell her, so i lost a lot of trust in her at that time. She never knew i was sexually active until i got pregnant actually, and she never heard about a boyfriend unless we were living together....

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daedal
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08 Jan 2011, 10:40 am

I still played with my dolls until I was 14 (until a girl came over to my house and snapped the head off one of them- my childhood friend beheaded!), was very VERY naive, didn't care about looking good (it's still a major chore to remember to shower and wash, although I've managed to make these fairly regular occurences in the week now. However, going on holiday and things like that throw off my routine, my parents notice that my toothbrush is still dry and they go on about "a girl of your age doesn't even bother about basic personal hygiene!" etc), especially didn't care about getting a boyfriend. I did try having a boyfriend once or twice and hated it. For one thing, I hated being touched by them, and another thing was...spending time with them! Yeah. I need to wait a while for that. I don't know. Some people say I'm very mature, in my ways of thought (although I personally think I'm spot on where age is concerned, and especially when I was 13- having lofty pretentious thoughts which I forgot in a week or so), and then others (my parents, who know me the best) keep saying how immature I am. I think I'm a good 4 or 5 years below others, socially, in fact more than that! Of course. 9 year olds can be social better than me.

battlekid
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10 Jan 2011, 2:19 am

Well... Kinda 1/2 like me.. People always say I'm mature for my age though (I get along with older teens/adults better). He seems fine, let him do it at his own pace.. I personally HATE Facebook, I'll only use Twitter (but I don't post), or use message boards/chat apps/game chats. Nothing to worry about...

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Aspie Teens: Are they more immature?