Join me on my life journey...

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Joined: 5 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

06 Jan 2011, 9:15 pm

Well, where do I start? I think its better I start off by explaining my situation, who I am and what I’m about…

My name is Stephen, I’m an Aspie rated Severe (though I don't agree with the rating any more) and I was diagnosed professionally at the age of 9, although I’m now 18 (19 in 4 months). I left home 8 months ago as I had some issues at home, mainly because of my father who has had a rough childhood, and some deep issues that have prevented him from ‘being a father’ to me. He would constantly blame me for everything in the household; he would label me as ‘trouble’ and resort to pointing the finger before gathering evidence and analysing the situation. His father and mother were heavy alcoholics and did not parent him correctly. His father died of alcoholic abuse which resulted in lung failure, and his mother committed suicide with an anti-depressant overdose. For a large part of his life, he has had to venture out and learn how to survive. My Mum is a very emotional person, she is one if 6 siblings, born into an Italian family. Her father was a closed man, sheltered, paranoid and negative of life in general. She was looking into buying property at the age of 23, he forbidden her to buy the property as he feared her lending from the bank, even though she had enough for a deposit back in the day. As a result of his parenting in this way, it has washed off onto her and ultimately she has parented me in this way.

I have issues with both of my parents; however more with my mother has she treats me like I’m different. She thinks I’m stupid, incapable of living without her and demonstrates this by her actions. When I left home to move to her mother’s house, she couldn’t handle letting go of me. It was as if she had to continue to control me and baby me in life. I am the first child, as I do have a younger sister who is an NT and 15 years of age. Mum would constantly look for faults in me when I moved out, e.g. trying to create issues and invented a ‘3 strike system’ where if I did 3 things wrong in the house, she would force me to return home. Her siblings realise her issues and defended my case. Her issues were created and they were trivial to say the least, e.g. using too much water or electricity, even though I was paying half of utilities (and now ¾). My Mum had lost her battle and eventually gave up, she realised that she no longer had jurisdiction over me, and she was told by her close friends and a Pastor to let me go as I was 18, and in Australia, this is a legal age.

I have started to realise that I can help myself, and I have taken the steps of moving out of that house to start a semi-independent life with my Grandma. Over the past 2 years, when I hit 15, 16 onwards, I have become overly self-conscious of my condition and I have this enormous desire to change myself. I moved from a ‘closed’ Christian school to a Public school that catered for children with Aspergers syndrome through a private company. The reason why I moved from this school is mainly due to the school’s lack of desire to understand my condition, and realise that punishing me for something I would normally do/not understand is unethical and unjust in every way. The principal of the school was also a control freak, and would go out of his way to parent and control your life at home. I couldn’t handle this as I didn’t agree with his level of jurisdiction over me. It’s safe to say that he has left a nasty imprint on many kids that have gone through that school; he is known to ‘target’ those that he views as troublesome or ungodly. Unfortunately until my Mum had realised he was an issue, I had no say in moving schools.

I moved to this Public school when I was 14/15, this is when I started to become self-conscious of myself, probably because I was submersed in the environment of learning about my condition – discovering myself and other Asperger’s teens around my age. It was a great move, and life for me has never been better. However, like most of us, I too was bullied in this school, and was targeted by 2 guys in particular, they knew there was something different about me, and and I guess their suspicions were backed by me attending the Asperger’s class. It was subtle though, and known in that school as the satellite room or special ed’ class. The bullying did become severe, e.g. spitting, intimidation and constant fear of these boys who were my own age. It has left me a negative view of people my own age, especially ‘lads’/’try hard’ kids, and as I result I have a fear factor around these groups of people and find it hard to make new friends who have a few qualities. By that I mean guys that are nice in general however have a smart ass/dickhead personality when they joke around. For me they’re potential friends, as I never had an issue before I was bullied. If I was treated right by the bullies, this fear would not exist.

I left the Public school after 2 years of schooling there in 2008 (Grade 9 & 10) and received a School certificate as a result of graduating in a public school. This was a great result for me, however at this time I started to become more and more self-conscious of my issues. I have found that it wasn’t until I left school and started 2009 with no set plans, I have realised that I need to change my ways and become normal – something that I’ve found is incredibly difficult. That aside, here's the nasty part. I wasted 2009 to the end of 2010 doing absolutely nothing with myself, no work, education or anything useful to society. I was living on a pension, working around the house and buying things I didn’t need on eBay. To be honest I did enjoy those easy years but the self-conscious fears of my condition were in a large part of my brain, constantly hacking at me to be a normal person and get a life. At the end of 2010 I have started to push out and live a bit of what I call “life”. I now work 3 days a week for my Uncle, and intend to do so this year for at least the next 12 months. I go to the gym on Sundays with an old friend (Alan) I met at a group in 2006, however only now formed a light friendship with Alan. He’s a great guy but we rarely talk as I don’t connect well with him. His friend tags along and we do a session between 1 – 2 hours, say our goodbyes and head home. Joseph is another local friend in my area that used to live next to my Grandma; I never connected well with Joseph in the early days of knowing him (5+ years ago). Only in 2009 I’ve started to attempt at a friendship with him, as I am trying to make friends and live a normal life. Similar story to the other mate – get the pattern?

I hang out with Joseph more than my other limited supply of friends; he’s a very extroverted person and I see him as a value to my life. I look up to Joseph and I try and note down things about him and apply them to my life. I couldn’t drink in my home and I didn’t want to learn drive, as a my parents said I would be terrible on the roads, and my anxiety would affect my driving. I have been away from this negativity, and I am now lightly drinking and have just received my Learner’s Permit to drive! It’s an amasing feeling when you try something and end up achieving what you thought was impossible. I was only interested in giving it a go as Joseph recently moved from his Learner’s Permit to a Provisional License, his achievement inspired me to try. I go to the shopping centre (or Mall for my American readers) regularly with him; it’s traditional for us to watch a movie every time we go. He usually always spends money and I sometimes buy things I need for myself. Allot of the time its things I’m getting into, e.g. shaving, decent clothes and personal styling – again, the self-conscious taking over and demanding I become normal. I’m trying to do these things as I am attempting at improve my confidence for girls! You guessed it… as I’m after a normal life; I too am after a partner and a girlfriend. I love the Asian race; I prioritise Asians over any other race and I have a strong attraction to Asian girls. I love their facial characteristics (mainly eyes) and cute, petite body. I think I have this attraction as Asian girls are less forthcoming and are timid like myself, so I feel more ‘at home’ if I were to date Asian girls.

I’m at a point now where I have all of this power in my hands with people I can talk to occasionally, and a “life”, (at least in my terms ) to brag about. The only problem is I’m stuck; I’ve peaked if you will and I don’t know how to progress any further. I have no confidence around girls, I’m still very anxious in life, I stress over small things and I still get panic attacks. To this day I have not found a suitable method for controlling panic attacks, so anxiety and my raging self-conscious continue to control my life and fight off my courageous attempts at living a normal life. A big issue I have now is the way I walk in public, I feel as though I walk oddly, like a robot and I see people look at me. It might just be that they’re just looking, for no reason at all; it’s usually only 1 or 2 people out of 10 walking the same way, so I tend to think this is in my head. I believe my conscious is my problem, but I’m not sure as I’ve read this is a trait of Asperger’s syndrome, and this is why it rings in my head. Another BIG problem is forming sentences when I become anxious talking to people, I startle and say words wrongly, and I make a big mess of something that I can do perfectly without being under pressure. I do this mainly when I’m anxious to talk to a certain person, or when I don’t know how to approach a person with what I have to say, and girls in general. Other than that, I’m an excellent communicator, especially if the other person has a similar interest and we’re on the same page. I communicate better with adults and I suffer less with this problem when communicating with an easy going, friendly adult.

These two issues are current at the moment and they’re preventing me from going any further. I don’t know what to do, I want to be a normal person, I want to live a normal life, and I’ve come incredibly far at doing that… what am I doing wrong? What can I do to get past this barrier? I can’t accept myself, I won’t tell my mates about my condition, as I’m ashamed to do so. Joseph (from memory) actually knows I have Asperger's (Mum has mentioned it to his mother before) as he does treat me differently in life, not in a bad way though but more as a master training me in life, mentoring if you will. Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this long read of my journey up to now. If you have any comments or suggestions I’d be honoured to hear them. If you feel you are in the same situation or have been, please share your thoughts and experiences. If you know of any books that you feel would help me, please mention a few, I will look into reading them. I don’t read much though I do have a book I have been meaning to read, it is called ‘Pretending to be Normal’ and I think it would be a great book for me, or anyone else going through this rough and wild journey in the life of an Aspie.

Have a great day,

Stephen

:-)