Lost Generation?

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I sometimes wonder if younger posters even understand this fear, it was ever present in my childhood. It was a constant threat, even a vague future threat that I was going to be put in an institution once my parents died. If you couldn't work was SSI even presented as a possibility? Nope a state institution was.

Agree about the "lamenting the past/why me" thing. I don't see any point in asking why this condition happened to me. I know the answer-- in my case anyway, it's genetic, genetic, genetic, genetic. The "red thread" that runs through my life is spun from fibers of my father and my mom's father; one could very safely say that it's ONE THREAD running from someones somewhere in the tree through them to me.

Where it will run from me isn't known yet. One thing's for sure, though-- with four kids, it's pretty unlikely that that thread's going to be cut and tied off. I don't know how I feel about that. Some days I think that's an OK or even good thing and I'm fine with or glad about the fact that I had these kids when I was younger and a lot less cynical. Some days...

...well, I may not lament the past, but I do lament some possible futures. That's NOT PRETTY.

Some days I want to hunt down that very nice, very helpful, very idealistic therapist I saw when I was 19. I could; I know where she is. She runs a play therapy business hosting therapeutic tea parties for kids with varying degrees of developmental disability. I want to ask her if she remembers the day we came to the AS conclusion. The conversation might go something like this:

Me: "Do you remember how I fell apart crying? Do you remember why?"

Therapist: "Yeah. You said you understood that it meant you could never have a partner or be a mom. That you shouldn't even try."

Me: "You practically gave me a hug, the way you talked. You said that wasn't true, that I had a shadow of a shadow, nothing more. That I could and should pursue any kind of life I sincerely thought I wanted."

Therapist: "Well, what happened?"

Me: "I took that to heart. I did exactly that. I got it, too-- I got exactly the life I wanted. In spades. I married a good man-- he's got his pathologies and we've got our problems, but he's a clearly good man. He is as good to me as he knows how to be and it's mutual. I'm a hardcore housewife and I'm up to my armpits in kids. And I love it. Not to say it's perfect-- nothing is ever perfect-- but yeah. I love it. Love love love it."

Some days the conversation would stop there. Some days, if she had the time and inclination, it would go on to the problems. We would bounce around possible solutions, the way that little handful of solid friends and I do sometimes, though I imagine she would be wiser and more resourceful with her training and years of experience.

And some days it would continue something like this:

Therapist: "I'm glad!"

Me: "I'm not! I regret it painfully. I can deal with some of the problems fine-- I can wait for a long time. I stick to things. I don't mind tedium. I don't have these big future expectations of my kids or spouse that so many people get caught up in. I have a good memory of myself at their age, and I enjoy who they are right now, and I wonder where they'll go-- and that helps A LOT with being tolerant and patient.

"But there are so many things I can't deal with-- or more accurately, I deal with but deal with wrong. Deal with, but it causes so much storm and stress because there are so many misunderstandings. Or because my idea of a good course of action and a desirable outcome is so different from society's.

"You were right, Becca. A shadow of a shadow. Really not much at all. But enough to be too much. You believed in what you told me. I know you meant well. But we underestimated the absolutely vital importance of sameness and conformity in communicating with people. It's too late now, but I really wish I hadn't taken those kind words to heart."

1 - 1971, 41

2 - My entire social life was trashed. The funny thing is. I always thought all this trouble was because I have never learned social skills. or so I thought. Who would have ever guess that this was cause by a psychological disorder. But then again, failing miserably at it for 40 years should have kick up a red flag. but it didn't. I was always very good at math and science and there for. I was always considered a nerd or a geek and nerds and geeks where considered to have social awkwardness about then.

3 - When I was diagnosed. I found out I was blind to reading body language(BL). Although I knew what BL was. I always thought that BL was use in love and romance situations. I was oblivious to the fact that BL was used in daily communication and interaction. Although not perfect. Just knowing this fact has help me out a lot. One of the things I do now is ask a reply question. For example. If I ask a question and I get no response. Instead of asking the same question over again. I will ask another question in such a way that will force the other person to give a verbal response to my question.

1) 1951, 61

2) Cannot sustain friendships. Went literally from top to bottom of class at grammar school. Fortunately, after disastrous work experiences went to university in my 30s and had relatively good career until accused of being 'weird' yet again resulting in early retirement.

3) Relatively recent diagnosis means personal closure but really struggling to come to terms with diagnosis. Have told one person but may never tell anyone else. I am more self aware, I think but have been me so long I am unlikely to change and probably don't want to.

1 - 1963, 50

2 – I had difficult childhood. I felt so different than a lot of other kids. While young, I figured that, once I was an adult, everything would be OK (after all, the adults mostly treated me reasonably well).

Then, I entered adulthood. Again, I felt so different. Yet, I still tried to live a neurotypical life with neurotypical aspirations. And, yes, I was still trying to live up to my parents' overachiever expectations for me. It was not working. I had a feeling of being a failure and an overall sense of “purposelessness”.

3 – I was only diagnosed last month. This overall sense of “purposelessness” still pervades almost every thought.

I was hoping to use this new found realization (of being diagnosed with AS) to develop a purpose that is consistent with who I now understand myself to be. Also, I can move forward with no longer needing to try living a neurotypical life.

born in 1958, self diagnosed about 8 years ago i guess ( https://graywyvern.livejournal.com/275118.html )

1 - 1972 and 46
2 - Twenties were the worst, anxiety, agitation, poverty - problems culminating in being sectioned and physical injury.
3 - I wouldn't say that my condition has improved because of a diagnosis. WP has been helpful.