Best friend confessed his attraction for me. Ick. Help?

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emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 2:42 pm

I guess this would go here.

Basically, my male best friend, got a little drunk last night, called me and told me all this stuff about how he loved me and how we should be together because he knows me more than anyone else.
The problem is, I don't feel the same way & love my boyfriend.

I don't want to have to tell him because they're really good friends too and I just don't want to rock the boat...

What should I do? Should I tell my boyfriend or what?



Moog
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10 Jan 2011, 2:50 pm

I guess it's awkward and potentially painful. But you have to tell him. Sucks to be desirable sometimes, eh?

Or you could pretend he didn't say anything. Let him think he dreamed drunkenly phoning you to disclose his secretly harbored love.

No, I'm not really being serious.

I wouldn't tell your boyfriend, unless you want to potentially upset him. I can't really think of any benefit of telling him.


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Jonsi
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10 Jan 2011, 2:51 pm

You could have a talk with this friend. Though, he might be the type to not take it well. I would mention it to your boyfriend if he isn't the jealous type, though.

Hopefully you can stay friends. :\



emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 2:52 pm

Moog wrote:
I guess it's awkward and potentially painful. But you have to tell him. Sucks to be desirable sometimes, eh?

Or you could pretend he didn't say anything. Let him think he dreamed drunkenly phoning you to disclose his secretly harbored love.

No, I'm not really being serious.

I wouldn't tell your boyfriend, unless you want to potentially upset him. I can't really think of any benefit of telling him.


My friend called me today and said we should talk about last night, so I think just pretending it didn't happen is out of the question, which is what I hoped to do in the first place.

I just hate the thought of hiding things from my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him.

Do you think the best option is to just tell my friend to forget it ever happened, and I should forget it to then?



Moog
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10 Jan 2011, 3:00 pm

emlion wrote:
Moog wrote:
I guess it's awkward and potentially painful. But you have to tell him. Sucks to be desirable sometimes, eh?

Or you could pretend he didn't say anything. Let him think he dreamed drunkenly phoning you to disclose his secretly harbored love.

No, I'm not really being serious.

I wouldn't tell your boyfriend, unless you want to potentially upset him. I can't really think of any benefit of telling him.


My friend called me today and said we should talk about last night, so I think just pretending it didn't happen is out of the question, which is what I hoped to do in the first place.

I just hate the thought of hiding things from my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him.

Do you think the best option is to just tell my friend to forget it ever happened, and I should forget it to then?


I think it really depends on whether your friend can forget it. If you're not interested, then it's up to him to decide if he can deal with remaining friends with you. A lot of guys have an all or nothing mentality.

From what you tell us, your boyfriend is extraordinarily cool and secure so, maybe you could tell him. I just don't understand what it would achieve.

I hope you work it out.


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emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 3:03 pm

Jonsi wrote:
You could have a talk with this friend. Though, he might be the type to not take it well. I would mention it to your boyfriend if he isn't the jealous type, though.

Hopefully you can stay friends. :\


Thing is, the friend is the jealous and angry type so I don't think he takes rejection well.

& the boyfriend isn't - I think i'll talk to the friend first, then tell the boyfriend if the friend gets angry or anything.

Else i'm just not going to tell him because I don't want to hurt him.

Thanks guys - it's appreciated.



Moog
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10 Jan 2011, 3:10 pm

Ah, well if he's liable to get violent(!) then I can see why you should perhaps tell your boyfriend.


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emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 3:12 pm

Moog wrote:
Ah, well if he's liable to get violent(!) then I can see why you should perhaps tell your boyfriend.


He has hit me before. But only once.

& Yeah, I will only tell my boyfriend if things seem to be getting bad or tense. He knows the friend is a bit prone to violence...



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10 Jan 2011, 5:03 pm

Tell your friend to back off and not contact you again, or you will tell your bf.

Even better, tell your bf anyway. Your "friend" needs to learn a lesson so he doesn't ever DARE interfere with anybody else's relationship.



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10 Jan 2011, 5:06 pm

emlion wrote:
I guess this would go here.

Basically, my male best friend, got a little drunk last night, called me and told me all this stuff about how he loved me and how we should be together because he knows me more than anyone else.
The problem is, I don't feel the same way & love my boyfriend.

I don't want to have to tell him because they're really good friends too and I just don't want to rock the boat...

What should I do? Should I tell my boyfriend or what?


Keep in mind, your best friend was drunk, and you can allow him to save face under that pretense alone. "You said some pretty silly things when you were drunk last night." Type thing.

If he weren't drunk, this is what I would point out.

Erroneous philosophy: He thinks you should be with him because he knows you better than anyone.

This is a very self centered and ill conceived philosophy which indicates jealousy and that he feels wronged in some way. It shows no consideration for the other person.

You should be with someone because you are attracted to them and they are attracted to you, in *that* way, and get along nicely together on that level. No other reason

If this were my best friend, and these sentiments are true, I'd also be annoyed that he did not approach me sooner, while sober, before he deceived me into thinking he was my best friend, rather than someone who wants to be my boyfriend. I'd also be annoyed that he expressed little in the way of tact, moral and integrity by pursing me when I was already in a relationship.

But then again, he was drunk and may have just been spouting off.



emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 5:07 pm

wo0 wrote:
Tell your friend to back off and not contact you again, or you will tell your bf.

Even better, tell your bf anyway. Your "friend" needs to learn a lesson so he doesn't ever DARE interfere with anybody else's relationship.



It's not that simple. He's my only friend. I can't just dismiss him out of hand.
We're going to talk tomorrow.

& I think I agree more with Moog, telling my boyfriend will probably achieve nothing except hurting him. And he's not the type to go and confront the friend..



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10 Jan 2011, 5:12 pm

I think talk things through with the friend first, and then make the decision as to whether or not you discuss the issue with your bf. It's a difficult call to make. I'm sure your bf would understand that you didn't initiate or encourage it though - I don't think he would feel hurt at you as you didn't do anything.


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10 Jan 2011, 5:46 pm

Your best friend isn't so cool if he has hit you. Once is once too often.Tell your boyfriend because he has a right to know if you are threatened or if another guy is threatening your romance.

But secrets of this sort never work out well coz it stresses you.

You should consider protecting your relationship with your existing boyfriend first and if your other friend really does care for you then he will back off and put your interests first, not his.

Mind yourself.


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emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 5:49 pm

The boyfriend knows he hit me.
He obviously didn't like it. He didn't want me to see him again.
But I never listen, because i'm a stupid girl.



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10 Jan 2011, 5:57 pm

emlion wrote:
Moog wrote:
Ah, well if he's liable to get violent(!) then I can see why you should perhaps tell your boyfriend.


He has hit me before. But only once.

& Yeah, I will only tell my boyfriend if things seem to be getting bad or tense. He knows the friend is a bit prone to violence...


"Only once" is totally unacceptable, and the fact that this young man went on to get drunk and put you in such an uncomfortable position leads me to believe that he is not as much of a friend as you perceive him to be. My personal rule with anyone is that there is no opportunity for a second time with physical violence - the relationship ends immediately following the first time. Sadly, I know of someone who did not follow this rule with tragic results.

Abuse is not exclusively about a dating relationship, it can be any relationship - but I'm doubly concerned that your friend seems to think there is a romantic relationship there, and is ignoring the boundaries of your existing relationship and your friendship. Please get help - are you still in school? See a counselor, tell them the story of the original incident where you were hit, the "violent tendencies" and this situation where your friend got drunk. I would not talk to either your boyfriend or your friend about it until you have worked on a plan of action with a professional that you trust.

You can find more resources here: http://seeitandstopit.org/pages/index.html



emlion
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10 Jan 2011, 6:00 pm

Jesus. How do I always manage to get myself in these situations?
I'm such a defective human being.

All this stressed me out, so I got all weird and me and locked Stefan out of the flat and now he's gone somewhere and I just want him to come back, but i'm scared to go outside, because I don't like the night time. And his phone is here. I know i'm going to end up hurting myself over this and then that's another reason i'm such a stupid b***h.

Why can't I just be normal for once?